OP: Husband is boring

When we were dating we would have sex twice a day if not more. He would want to do it anywhere and everywhere. He would take control and be more assertive and talk dirty to me. He has a job that makes him be gone a few months at time but he would always sext me. Now that we are married (1 year of marriage) I have to beg and make him feel guilty just to get it twice a week. He has zero interest. He says his sex drive is just lower. We are only 27, I don't know how his sex drive can just plummet like that, we have only been together a total of 2 years. Even when we do have sex it's so vanilla now. If I "take care of myself" he get upset and says he feels like he isn't doing his job. Forget the thought of me even using toys, he'd freak out for sure. I can't even get him to use lube. I tried to mention maybe an open relationship, but that went south real fast. I'm just so sexually frustrated. I have such a huge sexual hunger. I want it all the time, I want it kinky, I want it adventurous, I just want to be wanted. He makes it feel like such a chore for him. The worst part is I can't even talk to him about it without him getting all offended. He has to watch porn just to try and get himself turned on to have sex. I need any kind of advice please.

Posted: 10 Dec 16:40


It is very normal for libido's to fluctuate... diet, medication, stress and many other factors. Further, a man peaks at 18, then slowly declines... meanwhile women have a hormonal shift roughly every 7 years from their first period, peaking around the 35 range. At 27, you are likely going into your second last libido increase. I'd be willing to bet a dollar that the scenario you describe started out as a small mismatch, and got amplified heavily by you not respecting his boundaries. Relationships require compromise, but "no" to anything is a boundary that needs to be respected. You've mentioned using guilt to get sex... I can't speak for everyone, but I'd have trouble getting an erection under those circumstances. I would also give a half-ass performance to increase the rest period to the next time.

On the flip side, your desires count too... and what goes into your body is your choice and your choice alone (except perhaps while pregnant). Don't point the finger back at him, don't get into arguments about it. It's a topic that simply isn't open for discussion. If you want to please yourself, he has no right to say anything about it... and make sure to respect his masturbation - as frustrating as it might be.

Step 1: Undoing the damage

The relationship seems to have gone through a lot of strain... and it's going to need a reset before anything can improve. I'd suggest to switch gears, and exclusively take care of yourself with fingers or toys. If he wants to have a tantrum like a toddler about toys, or masturbation, suggest he seek counselling and ignore it. If he comes crawling back when he wants some, or semi-unwillingly offers himself, refuse him. He needs to rebuild his appetite, before anything can improve... and that energy needs to be focused at step 2.

Step 2: Communication

You need to go back in time and figure out how you guys got to where you are. You are going to need to listen, and talk little during the first part. He knows your primary issue... if anything, you can focus on his problems about you pleasing yourself without attacking him in the same breath. Once everyone has gotten their grievances out on the table, it's time to identify where you guys didn't communicate effectively when it would have been a small problem to deal with, and discuss how not to repeat those mistakes.

Step 3: Bringing sexy times back

You overdid it, you need to step back. Let him initiate when he wants to. Allow sessions to be short sometimes, mix up the positions, and take care of yourself the rest of the time. Again, it's not his business, and i can only assume you'd rather take of yourself than be doing it with someone that isn't sharing the same mindset about it. Be welcoming if he wants to join, but I would suggest not inviting him for at least a few months of things getting back on the tracks.

Posted: 12 Dec 22:04

Thank you so much for your thorough advise!

Posted: 12 Dec 22:42


Posted: 12 Dec 22:42

No problem at all... glad I didn't come across too harsh... :)

My first post was actually about 3 times longer, but my session timed out before i hit submit... and I lost it all. Sadness... another item for the to-do list. (along with letting people edit so that they can fix their typos :D)

Please keep us (and by us I mean me for the most part) posted on how it goes... hopefully some more people will be posting by then so we can learn from other perspectives...

Posted: 13 Dec 03:32

people's errrr peoples'

Where is that edit button. son of a...

Posted: 13 Dec 03:33

My wife and I have been married for 26 years and we have had sex about once a week (weekends). Even when we were in our 20's it was less frequent than that and no foreplay at all. The kinkiest we get is in the shower or she uses a vibrator on herself where I am just a spectator. Sex is great but only in either missionary or her on top and that is the only position for the whole session. It works for us but I would also like a bit of oral involvement as well. Religion (especially in the Christian religion) can play a big role in lack of sexual freedom which is my take on why she is so restrictive in the bedroom. Your husband should be very lucky to have someone sexually outgoing. Usually it is the men who want more and more variety. Sometimes getting two people in the same mindset is tough but you two are still young and I hope the best for both of you.

Posted: 15 Dec 18:35

Interesting post Sarabeth, I thought there was something wrong with me. I'm 26, not married and no kids. I have a bf who at first was as horny as Me. But that's moreso expected from a guy, Maybe I'm wrong. Like you, I want to have it more then once a day. Do it anywhere anytime. I'm very spontaneous, not into wired positions, but definitely not vanilla. He's two years older, in good health and shape, but has really sexually slowed down. We both live with our parents, so it's not seeing each other daily. But, we use to go to one of our homes daily at first, spend the night. Some say it's normal that one or both will slow down. Keeping in mind that men peak at a much earlier age then women. So I understand your frustration, we are hyper sexual.

Posted: 12 Apr 15:06

See I am in the opposite situation. Sometimes my wife and I can go 3 months with no sex. Her drive has always been lower than mine. We are both in our late 30's. If I could, I would have sex everyday!!!!

Posted: 22 Apr 07:48

Glad to read your story here. Also get to know about you and your boyfriend.

Posted: 25 Aug 01:57

Its the opposite for us. I'm the one with the higher drive and want it all the time and want to be more adventurous. When we do have it, its like she just wants to just lay there. She seems like she enjoys it and says I please her good enough. What's frustrating, though, is she has to initiate it. She'll say she wants to do it later, but when later comes, nothing happens. But if I try to initiate anything, I get criticized or something. So, SaraBeth, I sympathize with your plight.

Posted: 11 Jul 20:20

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