BDSM 101- Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism
Over the years I have seen several queries in this forum about BDSM or one or more of the components: bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism. My reason for starting this thread is to discuss BDSM practices and techniques for those who are interested in knowing more and especially for those who wish to experiment in this type of activity. In this initial post I shall present basic definitions and guidelines. I imagine that the thread will eventually expand beyond the BDSM 101 level.
What is kink?
I have always said that kink is any sexual practice that is outside the usual practice of an individual, a couple, or a society. Of course a kink is an intense bend or twist in a wire, cable or filament. In the sexual sense a kink is a "twist" and kinky people can be considered "twisted" but I like to think that when we are talking about activities between consenting adults that kink is a good thing.
Personal interpretations of kinky may vary. What seems extremely kinky for one person may be the usual for another.
BDSM?
BDSM is an acronym which seems to have first appeared in the late 1980s or early 1990s with the advent of public access to the internet. It is a combination of two earlier sets of initials: B&D (Bondage and Discipline) and S&M (Sadism and Masochism).
Any BDSM activity should only occur between consenting adult human beings!
Bondage is usually defined as the practice of confining a person or restricting a person's movement with metal, leather or other bonds or by binding the person with rope or other wrapable or tieable material such as scarves, tape, etc. Many people have their first bondage experience using scarves, neckties, pantyhose or other garments to bind or be bound. Others go out and buy bondage cuffs of leather or PVC, velcro restraints or soft bondage rope. Real police or military handcuffs are not recommended. Bondage can be steel bondage which includes the use of chains,shackles and cages, it can be device bondage with stocks and other "torture devices" or it can be rope bondage. Rope bondage can be Damsel in Distress style bondage based on the old dectective and cowboy novels in which a vulnerable woman is taken captive and her partner plays the role of captor or hero or both. If the captive is a male it might be called Dude in Distress bondage so either way it is referred to as DID. This style lends itself to role playing as you can see. Another rope style which is gaining in popularity is Japanese style bondage often called shibari in the West, but sometimes called by the Japanese word for it, kinbaku-bi. Shibari or kinbaku can be used in roleplay scenarios also, but for most practitioners is a sort of spiritual bonding in which both partners take an erotic journey together along the pathway of rope or nawa do.
Discipline Discipline happens in a roleplay scenario in which one person is in authority and the other is subordinate. Usually the subordinate commits some act of "insubordination" or "misbehaves" and needs to be disciplined. The discipline can be "corporal punishment" such as a spanking, paddling, whipping, etc. or it might be a task such as cleaning the oven, going shopping while wearing no panties or even performing a sexual service. Some popular discipline scenarios involve Teacher/student, Boss/employee, Parent/child, Police/criminal, and Master-Mistress/slave. Obviously there are instances in which Discipline can be combined with Bondage.
Sadism and Masochism Typically abbreviated S&M,SM or S/m erotic Sadism is about becoming sexually aroused and or experiencing more intense orgasms by inflicting "pain" on another while erotic Masochism is the kink of becoming aroused and experiencing more intense orgasms through pain. The person who likes to serve up the pain is called a sadist and the one who enjoys receiving pain is called a masochist. The term sadism is based on the name of the 18th century French aristocratic libertine author, Donatien Alphonse François de Sade, whose literary works were filled with shocking sexual practices and acts of cruelty. Masochism comes from the name of Leopold Sacher-Masoch a 19th century Austrian aristocrat whose Venus in Furs is autobiographically based on his own kink of gaining sexual fulfullment from a dominant woman or dominatrix with whom he entered into a contract with him as slave and her as cruel mistress. Some S&Mers now eschew the terms sadist and masochist because of the bad press this enjoyable kink has received in the past and because sadism, masochism, bondage and discipline practices have been included in several editions of the
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders or simply DSM used by the American Psychiatric Association. Since 1994 the APA has backed away from that classification somewhat. An alternative name for the practice of S&M or the enjoyment of pain is algolagnia.
Some favorite activities of S&M people are impact play:whips, paddles,canes,other kinds of "impact play"; dripping hot wax;clamps on nipples, genitals and other body parts; "humilliation"; needle play and piercing and other activities which stimulate the nerve endings. While the the idea of using a bullwhip, flogger (scourge) or paddle on another human being or having such an implement used on oneself may sound terrible the fact is that the blows are often little more than light caresses given with implements made of suede, rabbit skin or other soft materials. Often the aspect and the sound of the implements are more terrifying than the actual blow.
For beginners Whichever of these activities you decide to try it is recommended that you follow the first rule of the worldwide BDSM community (yes we have a community called "the Scene") and that rule is safe, sane and consensual. Let's begin with consensual. This means that any and all activity involves live, mentally sound, legally adult human beings who knowingly and willfully give their consent to participate in such activities. Necrophilia,zoophilia or bestiality, pedophilia and real life abductions or forcing people to participate or bringing people unknowingly into your game are not acceptable. This is what draws the line between willfull consent and abuse. BDSM is not about abuse. Safe is a word which may seem debatable when we are talking about suspending someone from a rope, whipping someone with a bullwhip or some of the other practices. Be aware of what the potential dangers are in any situation, know how to eliminate or minimize them and know how to react in a worse case scenario. Rope people always have safety shears within a split second's reach for example. Sane is again a debatable word it would seem. If the risk seems too high the don't do it. Personally I would rather take my risks having wax dripped on me as foreplay or during sex than have sex while skydiving or appear on an episode of Jackass.
The players People who engage regularly in BDSM activities often refer to what they do as play. They are the players. The person who runs the scene, does the binding, administers the discipline or inflicts the "pain" is usually called a Top. The person on the receiving end is usually called the bottom. These are words the BDSM community has borrowed from the Gay community. Other terms used in Bondage are Rigger, Rope Artist Captor or Rope Top for the Top and rope bottom, rope slut, and nawa-jujuun for the bottom. people who specailize in spanking are called spankos the Tops often being Daddy/Mommy, Sir/Madame or Professor and the bottoms being girl/boy or boi, or babygirl. Other people like to call themselves or be called Master/Mistress or slave. An advanced form of role play is called Domination and submission, abbreviated D/S,D/s and ,Ds. In D/s the top is called a Dominant and the bottom is called a submissive. Female Dominants usually prefer Domme. It is very difficult to precisely define D/s as no two people seem to be in agreement about what exactly it is. It is frequently called the "mental side of BDSM" and the fact that it is a personal emotional understanding of one's role and one's relationship with a partner that makes it so difficult to define in comparison to B&D or S&M which are fairly defineable activities. Most serious D/s people will argue that it is not role play as stated above, but is in fact very real. Some people prefer to only perform one role Top/Dominant or bottom/submissive. A person who enjoys both topping and bottoming is called a switch.
As you can see there are many possibilities for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism to overlap. In many cases involving role play a safe word might be recommendable. Since a naughty underling might be yelling "no no, stop please stop!" as part of the scene being played code word understood by both players might be needed. It should be a word which would never have any context in the scene beng played. Ocean is a good word because it can be understood even if a person is gagged. The most common safeword is red which means stop. When the safeword is uttered everything comes to a halt, that's it, game over. There is s sticky on this Forum about safe words.
Before you try any of these things the first time talk it over with your partner. Many people are afraid to expose themselves as "perverts" to their partners or anyone, but often as not your partner is willing to experiment. Most people in developed countries have tried or are willing to try light bondage, spanking or mild S&M at least once. Remember -only between consenting adults. Look for a tutorial on the web, buy books about this or find your local BDSM community who have educational events dedicated to whatever you might want to try.
Replies:
The basics of BDsm and D/s
OK, Y/you are curious and Y/you figured you would read this post. Cool!
First thing to know is that BDsm stands for 3 pairs or words, namely Bondage & Discipline, Domination & submission and also Sadistic & Masochistic. This is the catch all title given to all things deemed kinky.
D/s just stands for Domination and submission. This all about consentual exchanging of power to various degrees.
The maxim used for BDsm is : "Safe, sane and consentual". So lets look at these seperately:
SAFE: Many BDsm practices have an element of risk so do all you can reduce these risks! Be sure to take your time, rushing leads to mistakes being made and accidents. Do not EVER take risks that Y/you don't need to take. Be sure Y/you know how to use equipment, and how to free a submissive quickly. Never tie a person up so tight that their circulation is effected. Learn basic first aid. Have a decent first aid kit handy and be sure that it is well stocked. ALWAYS use a safe word system. My preferance if for the "traffic light" system. GREEN means the submissive is happy, feeling safe and happy to carry on, AMBER means slow down or get ready to stop. The submissive is feeling close to their limit of mental, emotional or physical endurance. RED means STOP! Not stopping when asked to is plain wrong and can even be a good reason for a court case! If your submissive is unable to talk (they may be gagged, or in a trance like state sometimes experianced called "subspace") then take the submissives hand and squeeze it 3 times. they should know that 3 squeezes back means that they are OK. Learn to look for the physical signs that something is wrong as well. Skin colour, dialated pupils etc. Never enter a BDsm scene whilst under the influence of alcohol or drugs/medication. And Keep real life out of your BDsm play. This is no time for dealing with things that have upset Y/you!
SANE: To enter a BDsm scene without knowing anything about the other person is just plain crazy. Be safe, be sane, people! Can Y/you really trust that other person? If Y/you have any doubts or questions...DON'T DO IT! This applys to the Doms/Dommes as much as the submissives. Tops (Dominants) should be asking themselves "is this person mentaly, emotionally and physically healthy? Are they fully aware of what to expect? Are they going to cry rape? Do they have serious self image/respect issues?"
bottoms (submissives) should be asking themselves "Can i trust Them to respect me? Will They stop when i ask them to? Are they about to slice and dice me? Are they experienced enough to do this?"
Please, be safe and then the fun will be so much better!
CONSENTUAL: Mutual, volunteered permissions are VITAL! Do not assume that Y/you have an automatic right to do what ever Y/you wish. Discuss what will happen during the play scene and agree on everything that can/will happen. I cannot recommend doing a contract prior to any BDsm activty enough. Legally, they have very little use, but if everything is correctly discussed before hand then there should be no nasty surprises. Remember, Tops: Your "victim" is a human being with feelings, emotions and needs as well. they are NOT a peice of meat! Basic rule of thumb is: the more empathy You have for Your submissive, the better You will be at this.
Take time to learn the limitations of Y/your play partner, respect T/them and gain all the information Y/you possibly can.
Master Bulldog
BDsm contracts should be used in all relationships where such kinkiness will be employed. This is where the Top and bottom get together, sit down and discuss in a honest and mature manner what will and will not be expected and allowed. It is important that the submissive has equal rights to the Dominant when writing up and deciding on the contents of the contract. No Dominant has the right to demand anything, only request. The submissive has no duty to agree with things he or she does not like, feel comfortable with or is unsure of. they are allowed to say "no"!
Please understand that contracts have very little use as a legal document. They should be viewed purely as a means of agreeing in advance what will happen and what is allowed prior to BDsm activity.
Here is a suggested contract, written for a Dominant male and a submissive female:
"W/we, Master name and submissive name have agreed with mutual, volunteered consent to enter a relationship that will involve BDsm activity of a sexual nature. This will include the volunteered surrender of power from subs name to Masters name.
Masters pledge
I, Master name have made the informed choice to undertake a Dominant role within this relationship. I hereby promise to treat subs name with compassion, respect, love, care and consideration at all times.
I expect subs name to surrender her power, will, body and mind to Me fully during BDsm scenes, within the set parameters. she is to be loyal to Me, trust worthy, attentive and take guidence and instruction from Me only.
I, Masters name, fully understand that a safe word system shall be used at all times during BDsm play. If subs name indicates to Me that she wishes to to stop a scene, I shall honour that request immediately.
I, Masters name understand and agree to NOT attempt to perform the acts named below:
Do a list here of things the submissive is NOT happy to do or have done to her
I shall respect this at all times.
I understand that it is My responsibility to assure the safety and well being of subs name at all times during BDsm scenes.
submissives pledge
i subs name hereby have made the informed choice to volunteer my selfcontrol, power and will to my Master, Masters name. I have made this choice totally of my own will, and I was not forced to make this choice and do so happily. I am therefore submissive to Him, Masters name.
i understand that W/we will use the "traffic light" safe word system. i also understand that should I ever feel unsafe, unwilling or unsure, i will indicate this either verbally or physically. i have the right to stop play at anytime.
my Master owns this girl and will do as he wishes with me, within the parameters set below:
set your limits and boundries here
W/we, Masters name and submissives name are consenting adults and have made this agreement mutually without influence of alcohol, drugs/medication or any person except O/ourselves.
This contract is valid during BDsm scenes only, and shall be reviewed by give date here or if one of U/us requests.
Signed
Master prints name and signs
submissive prints name and signs
There! How hard can that be? If Y/you find that Y/you and Y/your partner cannot agree to terms easily, then Y/you are probably doing it with the wrong person to start with!
Consider updating the contract often. I suggest every 6 months to a year.
Remember to state in the contract what time period the agreement is for. Is it valid only during scenes? Or is this a 24/7 agreement? Put in as much detail as Y/you can. Leave nothing to doubt!
In BDsm trust, honesty and assurance are everything!
Master Bulldog
Well I don't know too much about online BDSM Bulldog and the sites I visit are for people who practice in real life. I have S/seen I/it, B/but I/it I/is M/more T/the E/exception T/than T/the R/rule. Dominant/submissive contracts are more for people who just met I think and for people who are just looking for a play partner. I have to admit I never dated within the BDSM world, I just lucked out on having kinky girlfriends and married the kinkiest one. Back then the term BDSM did not even exist, or was just coming into existence. It was either B&D or S&M. DS seems to be a term that arose in the internet age of the 90s. But back to contracts---when you are with the same person for many years, Bulldog, and have the whole family, career married life thing going a DS contract is not what you need. It is not what my wife and I need. There are many people in the Scene who don't practice DS at all. Why distract oneself from good kinky sex with a bunch of rules that S/someone E/else made up anyway?
Enough of this S/silliness. Let's talk about BDSM if you want.
I started doing B&D in the university, back in 1980. I still consider myself more a B&D person than an S&M person although I sometimes feel that when spanking, caning,paddling, whipping, etc are done simply for the kinky fun of it without any roleplaying involved that the line between Discipline and S&M gets very blurry.
I personaly get very hard and have precum dribbling anytime I administer Discipline.
For the past three years we have been into Kinbaku, or Shibari as it is more commonly known in the west. This has been very good for us. Of course we have leather and metal restraints and chains as well as rope. Planning to buy some hemp and maybe jute and possibly silk next week.
We also have a nice collection of whips, singletails and multitails. Plus the usual crops and canes. Her favorites are the 3 ft. signalwhip and the floggers.
Roleplaying is lots of fun. That is a big part of western B&D. It seems not to be so big in Shibari in which people tend to go straight to the rope, I think. But if you like the feel of silk, well just get a couple kimonos have your nawajujun dress as a geisha and you as a Shogun and tie her and make love with her with the silk still on. You will both have the most delicious orgasms.
dlb
I am a tranny and luv BDSm, but only have myself to experience it with, I have very ample breasts and have bound them with rope, I use tarp clamps on my nipples that won't let go no matter how hard I pull. Also I use suction cups and large plastic containers to suck my tits and nipples out to extreme size. I even now have pierced my breasts with stainless skewers and nailed them to wooden planks. Doing this to myself id so rewarding but i wonder how it would be to have a Dom work on me.