Religious oldschool parents...
My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year and are in our early 20's. We started dating while we were in school and things have been going very well now that both of us have transitioned into the working world. She got a job very near where we went to school and I just landed a position in her home town (about an hour and a half drive away from her). We have been sleeping together since the start of the relationship and have a fantastic sex life. Unfortunately, both her parents and my parents are very Christian and wouldn't approve of that aspect of our relationship at all. The gf and I haven't brought it up to either of our parents because there hasn't been a reason to. My parents will most likely be a little mad at me if they ever found out but will eventually get over it. Her parents, on the other hand, will make her feel like she has disappointed or dishonored them and give her hell (according to my gf's estimation of their response). At this point, some of you are probably thinking why bring it up to her parents at all, right? Well, it really isn't an option because they are going to outright confront her about it soon. She has been sleeping over at my apartment most nights when she comes to visit me on weekends and they have voiced their opposition to that (they would like her to stay at their house exclusively). I love my girlfriend and see amazing potential for our relationship. I want to do everything possible to let her parents know that I respect them and their beliefs, but I don't know how to do that in this circumstance. They will probably hate me, which is understandable, but I am going to continue to see their daughter. Anybody have advice on how I can maintain my relationship with her family? Thanks!
SphericalTurkey
Replies:
been there.....my parents, well my mom moreso than my dad is like that.....anyway, everytime i would bring my wife (at that time gf) to my parents house (they don't live here where i live), we weren't allowed to sleep in the same room and we had to show alot of respect.....and i would never bring up sex to my mom, even though i knew she knew.....i just had to let her know that i'm with her for the right reasons.......as for my wife's parents, they were the complete opposite.....they already assumed that we were having sex and they were really open about it....plus we're grown in our 20's, i have a good job and they already knew that i would take care of they're daughter, so they welcomed me with open arms.....but in the beginning, with my wife's parents, i slept in another room out of respect
How did it work for us??
What you do in you're relationship is YOUR business!! What happens if you marry this girl and you have other people deciding the fate of your marriage? You don't want that, so some things are for you and your "significant other" to know. But in the meantime, you still show respect to her parents as well as yours.
Let your girlfriend handle her parents and you handle yours. If she really loves you, she won't let her parents come in between you and her. And if you're a good man to their daughter and show that you can be that man to take care of her for the rest of her life, how can they hate you? That's if you are looking/found your wife.... Besides the fact, why would you discuss sex with them anyway?
Qplezsthawife
You are each in your twenties. Any expectation on the part of either of your parents that you remain in a platonic relationship is unrealistic. Her parents can only make her feel dishonorable if she allows them to. Let them vent; do not argue; thank them for their "advice;" live your lives.
Twenty somethings may sleep anywhere they please with whomever they please. This dsipleases some parents. Allow the parents to be displeased but do not allow yourselves to feel guilty. Believe me, "everybody is doing it" or wishing they could.
They can either lose a daughter or accept you and that is their decision and, no, their "hating you" is not understandable. It is bigoted.
I always wonder about anti-sex parents: when did they begin having sex?
Brandye
Well Brandye, they'd probably have you believe it was on their wedding night. Not that I believe that generation behaved any differently than ours does--it was merely more stigmatized and less socially acceptable than it is now.
I'm getting married in two weeks. We lived 180 miles apart when we met. My mother believes to this day that the first time I traveled to see him for the weekend, I got a hotel room. In fact I had gotten one because it was all of the third time I was seeing the man face to face, and ended up deciding not to use it. Long story short, internet dating that worked out extremely well :)
At least she lets me believe she believes it. And that's fine by both of us. Anyway. I was 28 at the time, still living under her roof. A few months before, the first time I stayed overnight with a man, on a Saturday night, she cried and couldn't bear to attend church the next morning, for a lack of something to say about my whereabouts. No, I'm not kidding.
If it were me I might tell such a little white one about my trips. Either you give up the bed to her and take the couch, or she takes the couch. Or, now that I'm out of the house, I'd probably say look, this is how it is, it's my choice not yours, deal with it.
Because the latter is the harsh reality of the situation. It's about time everybody recognized the adulthood going on here and allowed people to become themselves.
lnt1103
Excuse me but aren't you two ADULTS? Haven't you yet realised that ADULTS do not 'hear' let alone answer impertinent, rude and intrusive questions even if asked by a parent? Once past the age of 18 - her sex life is none of their business. Where are their manners?
And where are yours? Naturally, if you're over at her family's house you sleep elsewhere. Sex is not discussed and flirting will not occur.
EvilEvilKitten
Where did the idea come from that we Christians are against sex?
You state that you and your girlfriend are both in your twenties. You are adults. What goes on in private between consenting adults is between those involved and is no one else's business! It is very uncommon anywhere in western culture, except for perhaps the most liberal familes, for adults to discuss their sex lives with their parents. There is no legal, moral or religious grounds for your girlfriend's parents to ask such a question of their adult daughter.
I just looked at EvilEvilKitten's reply and I agree that when one stays over at other peoples' homes one must respect the household rules and traditions which would seem to mean separate bedrooms in this case.
dlb
I didn't struggle with a traditional family. I did struggle with high expectations. All I can say is; treat them with love, respect and patience. But don't forget to treat yourselves the same way. They should allow you to make your own choices. Like Brandye says; they can either lose a daughter or accept you and that is their decision. You can only do as much as take responsibility for your own actions and decisions. Live your own lives with joy :)
RedRoses