Having dealt with this sort of unequal libido problem off and on for nearly 20 years with my late wife, I do feel your pain, Firmus. At least you and your wife have enough communication so that you can ask if it's gonna be tonight, and she can tell you, "No, not tonight." We didn't, and I'd always have to guess. I never got the lead-on, but this was before texting, cell phones, etc., so having that sort of intimate conversation at work would have been impossible in our work environments. It took me a dozen years of this to finally get a handle on what I was really feeling and why, and then to do something about it.
I figured out that what I REALLY wanted was attention and affection, not always necessarily sex. Okay, I often did want sex when she didn't, but that was not the deeper problem, because guys train from adolescence to take matters into their own hands, as it were. I found my deeper problem was feeling rejected because she didn't NEED me--not want me, but need me. I needed her to need me. I needed to pay attention to her, not the other way 'round. Unable to meet these very real emotional needs, I would feel rejected and useless, unloved and unappreciated. I also finally accepted that none of this was really her problem or even our problem, but wholly MY issue to deal with and come to terms about.
She kept telling to to stop pouting and stop taking it personally. That was the difficulty--I always took it personally. I saw it as a personal rejection of my affection and my love. I began to believe that she was falling out of love with me at times. That was never it--she was only abiding by her inner schedule, leaving me to deal with whatever it was that I'd brought to the issue through my own self centered needs. I was able to resolve it by finally believing that she did love me, she did need me, just that she didn't always want me to pay so much attention to her. I unlearned my habit of feeling rejected, in effect. I learned to accept it as merely her own rational behavior, her meeting her own needs for whatever it was, alone time, TV time, book time, whatever. It was a slow process for me, this unlearning rejection, but within a year I'd gone a long way, stopped pouting and stopped taking it personally, and we began to be more relaxed and accepting around each other. That led us to being better communicators, which led us to more affection, more intimacy and, ultimately, what I'd always hoped for, more sex.
This does not answer your question of how to handle your immediate situation--that her rejection of you has taken the fun out of masturbation, yet you remain horny. Sometimes rather than masturbating alone, on occasions like that occasionally, after getting into bed, I'd tell her, "Honey, I know we're not gonna do it tonight and that's okay, but still I'm really horny and I've gotta give myself some relief. You needn't concern yourself, and I'll try to be quick and quiet so as not to keep you up." Then I'd begin, and probably half the time, before my climax, she'd start touching me somewhere, sometimes ticking my balls or between my legs, or pinching my nipples. That was actually very mutually satisfying--she'd done something for me, and I'd gotten off AND felt accepted, sexuality and all. I also think my masturbating with her right there helped tune her in on the subtle aspects of my arousal, which helped us in our lovemaking together. She would also sometimes masturbate with me next to her in the bed, and so we learned much from one another that way.
good luck with your frustration!
Michael
mikkiji
Posted: 05 Oct 22:56
