OP: Getting depressed from her not wanting sex

So I know nothing is gonna happen tonight...

Obviously there are just "those days" or "those weeks". Shit just doesn't work out all the time.

So, what do "you" do? I know I have a much higher drive than my wife, but there's just times that doing it myself doesn't help. There's times I need to be with her, and today is well beyond one of those times. We were texting earlier (both at work, different locations) and she flat told me she doesn't want to tonight. Thankfully it wasn't a "we'll see" lead on or anything.

This isn't a communication problem or anything, I mean I'm not trying to be an selfish ass. I respect that there will be times I want to and she won't. I'm just feeling stuck today. Today is a day when I wish there were options.

But there's not. If I were given permission to go out I most likely wouldn't take it. And what sucks about it is it takes the fun out of masturbating. I'm just feeling deflated. It's just amazes me how unimportant it makes me feel. By that I mean that I personally want to make sure my wife is happy, in any way that I can. But I don't feel that reciprocated. But I know that's not her goal. She just doesn't want to right now. It's not some personal attack on me.

So, back to my question. What are the things you do in situations like this?


Posted: 05 Oct 22:55


Having dealt with this sort of unequal libido problem off and on for nearly 20 years with my late wife, I do feel your pain, Firmus. At least you and your wife have enough communication so that you can ask if it's gonna be tonight, and she can tell you, "No, not tonight." We didn't, and I'd always have to guess. I never got the lead-on, but this was before texting, cell phones, etc., so having that sort of intimate conversation at work would have been impossible in our work environments. It took me a dozen years of this to finally get a handle on what I was really feeling and why, and then to do something about it.

I figured out that what I REALLY wanted was attention and affection, not always necessarily sex. Okay, I often did want sex when she didn't, but that was not the deeper problem, because guys train from adolescence to take matters into their own hands, as it were. I found my deeper problem was feeling rejected because she didn't NEED me--not want me, but need me. I needed her to need me. I needed to pay attention to her, not the other way 'round. Unable to meet these very real emotional needs, I would feel rejected and useless, unloved and unappreciated. I also finally accepted that none of this was really her problem or even our problem, but wholly MY issue to deal with and come to terms about.

She kept telling to to stop pouting and stop taking it personally. That was the difficulty--I always took it personally. I saw it as a personal rejection of my affection and my love. I began to believe that she was falling out of love with me at times. That was never it--she was only abiding by her inner schedule, leaving me to deal with whatever it was that I'd brought to the issue through my own self centered needs. I was able to resolve it by finally believing that she did love me, she did need me, just that she didn't always want me to pay so much attention to her. I unlearned my habit of feeling rejected, in effect. I learned to accept it as merely her own rational behavior, her meeting her own needs for whatever it was, alone time, TV time, book time, whatever. It was a slow process for me, this unlearning rejection, but within a year I'd gone a long way, stopped pouting and stopped taking it personally, and we began to be more relaxed and accepting around each other. That led us to being better communicators, which led us to more affection, more intimacy and, ultimately, what I'd always hoped for, more sex.

This does not answer your question of how to handle your immediate situation--that her rejection of you has taken the fun out of masturbation, yet you remain horny. Sometimes rather than masturbating alone, on occasions like that occasionally, after getting into bed, I'd tell her, "Honey, I know we're not gonna do it tonight and that's okay, but still I'm really horny and I've gotta give myself some relief. You needn't concern yourself, and I'll try to be quick and quiet so as not to keep you up." Then I'd begin, and probably half the time, before my climax, she'd start touching me somewhere, sometimes ticking my balls or between my legs, or pinching my nipples. That was actually very mutually satisfying--she'd done something for me, and I'd gotten off AND felt accepted, sexuality and all. I also think my masturbating with her right there helped tune her in on the subtle aspects of my arousal, which helped us in our lovemaking together. She would also sometimes masturbate with me next to her in the bed, and so we learned much from one another that way.
good luck with your frustration!


Posted: 05 Oct 22:56

That middle paragraph is actually very helpful

I have a higher sex drive than my boyfreind and it feels exactly like that when he rejects me. Sometimes I would wonder what he even wanted a girlfreind for if he didn't want to be loved. Compromise means having sex on HIS schedule simply because he can't produce an erection if he's only doing it out of a sense of obligation, and that leaves my need to both GIVE and recieve affection feeling disregarded.

I guess I could insist a bit harder that he take care of me occasionally even if he doesn't want sex. But knowing he'd rather be doing something else makes it incredibly unsexy. And doesn't help me with the giving affection to him bit.

It's just something I'll have to learn not to take so personally. We've been getting over it bit by bit; I'll get cuddling a lot more now as long as I don't smother him, like maybe he can still use the other arm to do whatever he needs to like reading. Affection multi-tasking! The fact that my honeymoon period seems to have dropped off and I don't want to be on him ALL THE TIME is helping, bahaha. Looking back I can see how he felt that was clingy.

But to answer Firmus's question what I would normally do is either throw myself into a painting, or go and kill things on the Playstation.

To be as busy doing something as my boyfreind is (he usually rejects sex if he is on a project kick) is helpful to both of us. I get a distraction, and he feels less guilty than he would if I was lurking or idle.


Posted: 05 Oct 22:56

I do understand, Firmus, but frustration won't kill ya, hun. No, it isn't "personal" but there are times when she just "doesn't want to know". To be truthful, same with men - they have their episodes as well. In such cases I recommend snuggling and perhaps helping him masturbate. Because loving sex isn't just about penetration.


Posted: 05 Oct 22:56

I think I need to hypnotize that last line into her mind EEK. We've had many long (but to me fruitless) discussions on exactly that. For her loving sex = penetration. This will be the most pig headed thought I've ever expressed, but....

I wish she'd realize that if she a) doesn't want that much sex and b) wants to be sure I'm taken care of, then oral/hands would be the vastly easier and "better" method.

By that I mean, would she rather live with a sullen grouchy overly-prolonged horny bull in a china shop, or take 5 minutes to sooth the "savage beast"? I mean, she gets upset at how often I'm going on about sex, but if I had a frequent outlet I'd leave her alone and in peace. :)

I abhor the idea of "wifely duties". But I at least now appreciate where the concept comes from. Because I hate that I start noticing and thinking of other women when I'm desperate. I never thought I'd be that way but I feel like a dairy cow that's on a poor milking schedule.

And thanks all for the replies. :)


Posted: 05 Oct 22:57

OK, Firmus, show her this post. I have never been married but had two long term male "roommates," about two years each, and we were in our twenties, and in high stress jobs learning to be doctors. As is often the case, my desire was a bit lower than the man's for frequency of orgasms. I prefer less frequent but slower and more languorous sessions.

Each night as we turned in, I ran my hand down his front. If there was any sign of erection, I took care of it however I desired - vaginally, orally, digitally. I looked at this as an investment of a few minutes that paid back manifold when we did have time for a more leisurely approach. He got the relief that he needed frequently; I got just about whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it. This was not manipulation on my part; we each considered it a fair exchange.


Posted: 05 Oct 22:57

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