OP: are men afraid of virgins?

Hi all, I'm 24 and still a virgin, and I want to get back out there in the dating game now that I am at a very good place in life. However, I keep hearing that men avoid mid-20's virgins like the plague. I don't really confrom to any of the stereotypes and I am very in tune with my body and have a very clear idea of what I want out of a relationship sexually. So, is this virgin-shaming just trash-talk to make themselves look/feel better or is it the general consensus? It's making me feel a bit insecure(which is weird because I'm usually confident), and I'm wondering if I should fake my sexual experience(which I prefer not to, I'd rather approach sex like an experiment). Advice?

Oh, and before anyone asks: main reason I haven't had sex yet is because I was very career focused in college and wanted to go out into the world and explore it. Ended up getting my dream-job right away and had a ton of fun road-tripping across the US, Canada, and S.America so I have zero regrets over my choice. I also hung around a lot of people who didn't pressure me to have sex, nor pressure me not to have sex, so that probably influenced me as well.

jen99

Posted: 08 Oct 23:09

Replies:

It is likely that between 5 and 10% of 24 yo women are virgin. Some, such as you, for perfectly good reasons and some because they either fear sex or have simply not had the opportunity. Minority, yes; problem for you, no.

Most stuff you read emphasizes the big deal men think it is to "take" our virginity. Few real men would find your virginity off-putting. If they do, throw them back in the pond. No reason to fake anything; also no reason to blurt out that you are virgin at the first introduction. If it is a healthy relationship developing, sex just happens.

For your own peace of mind, visit your gyn and make certain that all is well and no problems are likely. If your hymen is still present this is a chance to get it out of the way. There is another advantage: Gardasil. Twenty-four is beyond any nations' guidelines for the anti-HPV shot but many doctors will administer to a legitimate virgin. Your activity has been delayed, make the best of it.

"Virgin shaming" is trash talk and is no one's business but yours. I was (too) much younger when I divested myself of virginity but did, in fact, approach it as you describe - a science experiment. Not very romantic but it got it done and the learning was wonderful. I actually knew more about how his body would function than mine would! Relax, talk to your doctor, get the Gardasil series and let it happen. You will know what to say when you know with whom it will be.
Do not forget protection!!!!

Brandye

Posted: 08 Oct 23:09


There is a reason behind this.
It is a question of judgement. Yours. In a man's mind, an experienced woman isn't going to be put off a fellow by some under-performance on his part. She's no doubt been through such situations before. But a virgin may have unrealistic expectations which, if he fails to meet those expectations, could result in "drama" for him, create "baggage" for the next guy - and make him responsible for her tarnished view of sex/men/relationships - and he does not want that responsibiity, tyvm. Unfortunately for you, all of the above has happened enough times to make it an axiom and not 'virgin-bashing'. Read the articles on Dating in the INDEX.

Think through all the 'reasons' you did not have sex before. Career oriented - never stopped a guy from having sex but it did stop you - why? Wanting to travel the world - also never stood between a guy and enjoying sex but it did stop you - why? Hanging around people who did not pressure you either way - so what? Weren't any of them cute enough to stir something? Did it never occur to you that they were waiting for you to make a move? Probably not. Apparently sex was not important to you. So why is it important to you now?

Please do all that Brandye has advised AFTER you have sorted out your answers to what I have written above because sex begins in your brain so it is what's in your brain that should be addressed first. Never fake anything. But if s man hesitates do not be surprised or hurt by that or if he declines to have sex with you. Only an unfeeling lout would be eager - though he might try to hide it. If you have a gf with a good 'radar' you might want to take her advice on which men to consider asking.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 08 Oct 23:09


> ...and have a very clear idea of what I want out of a relationship sexually.

Relationships are partnerships, not necessarily what one person does to the other; rather, what we do with and for each other. That said, it is fine to have ideas of what you want sexually, yet in the overall scheme of two people coming together in order to have a life better than what they can have independently, you will probably find both compromise and ideas you have not necessarily given much if any thought to until "she/he" gives you a wish list.

> So, is this virgin-shaming just trash-talk to make themselves look/feel better or is it the general consensus?

In a word: absolutely, positively, indubitably, yes.

> I'm wondering if I should fake my sexual experience(which I prefer not to, I'd rather approach sex like an experiment). Advice?

I recommend that you browse the Index {See View Forums) and read the article regarding approaching first time sex--be it the first time ever, or, the first time with a new partner.

You cannot successfully fake experience. For a woman, the state of the hymen can be a deciding factor. For both, expecting the motions to blend is very optimistic. To know how aroused each other is is an acquired skill. Be honest with others, read the article and you'll understand why. I suggest that you also read the articles that discuss the how-tos of dating. In fact, please read every article in the Index whether or not you think them relevant.

> ...main reason I haven't had sex yet is because I was very career focused in college and wanted to go out into the world and explore it. Ended up getting my dream-job right away and had a ton of fun road-tripping across the US, Canada, and S.America so I have zero regrets over my choice.

Kudos to you for your life plan to date. I recommend that a childless couple do the same sort of traveling. Once they have children it may be a couple of decades before they can see the world.

Lastly, consider that for you and the rest of the male population, masturbation is generally A#1 on our list of daily priorities; not so for most women. While making love may be high on your to-do list, making a relationship should be your top priority. Love and sex come later. Pressure to have sex? Try pressure to form a more perfect union, emotionally, before physically.

Oh, and as Brandye states, protection for you, her, and us--meaning a condom, highly reliable form of birth control, and for the both of you--contraceptive foam/etc. Look out for and protect A#1 {you) then the two of you together. Do not rely upon your partner for your protection, take joint responsibility.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 08 Oct 23:09


>... [EvilEvilKitten] Unfortunately for you, all of the above has happened enough times to make it an axiom and not 'virgin-bashing'.

Lol, that's just wonderful. Ah well, I've dispelled many other pre-concieved notions in my life, what's a few more?

>... [EvilEvilKitten] Career oriented - never stopped a guy from having sex but it did stop you - why?

Actually it did. A guy I dated in college, and another guy I was interested in potentially dating, both got really weird and nasty towards me after I landed a few internships they never told me they were after. Broke things off without an explination and never returned my calls. Ended up finding out from mutual friends.

>... [EvilEvilKitten] Wanting to travel the world - also never stood between a guy and enjoying sex but it did stop you - why?

I did this after two failed relationships and took a break from dating. I also had a few insecurities and body issues I needed to work through. I've since developed more self-confidence and learned to love myself.

>... [EvilEvilKitten] Hanging around people who did not pressure you either way - so what? Weren't any of them cute enough to stir something?

A couple, yes. Those boyfriends didn't work out too well: one was playing me because he thought I was "easy" and gave up after 3 weeks when I told him I wanted to wait to have sex; and another guy we mutually broke it off because he was graduating and moving back to Thailand, we didn't want to become serious. Two other guys I was interested in told me they weren't looking for a relationship at the moment because of their own career motivations. ONS/FWB weren't comfortable to me- especially now that most guy-friends have become co-workers and dating people I work with is a deal-breaker.

>... [EvilEvilKitten] Did it never occur to you that they were waiting for you to make a move? Probably not.

Yeah, I'm kinda dense with these things. It's a known problem of mine and I'm making efforts to get better at this. Ended up passing over a great guy wihtout realizing. :(

>... [EvilEvilKitten] Apparently sex was not important to you. So why is it important to you now?

I'm young, healthy, and I have all my other priorities taken care of, why not?

>... [dancingdoc2] For a woman, the state of the hymen can be a deciding factor.

I don't think my hymen will be a problem because I don't have one. Sex shouldn't be painful for me because I took my mother's, my brother's, and my bff's advice and bought a few sex toys so I could explore my body at my own pace, free from performance anxiety. It was great advice and I learned a lot of information to pass on to any future partners to make the experience more comfortable. The safest sex is the sex you have with yourself, right? :)

>... [dancingdoc2] Be honest with others, read the article and you'll understand why. I suggest that you also read the articles that discuss the how-tos of dating. In fact, please read every article in the Index whether or not you think them relevant.

Yes I have read them, it's good advice! Will be taking it.

>... [dancingdoc2] Lastly, consider that for you and the rest of the male population, masturbation is generally A#1 on our list of daily priorities; not so for most women. While making love may be high on your to-do list, making a relationship should be your top priority. Love and sex come later. Pressure to have sex? Try pressure to form a more perfect union, emotionally, before physically.

This is wonderful advice, thank you!

>... [Brandye] Do not forget protection!!!!
Oh yes- I'd never forget about this! A few friends I know an "oops" with a ONS, so it's made me especially careful and aware of STD/STI and unwanted pregnancy.

>... [Brandye] but did, in fact, approach it as you describe - a science experiment. Not very romantic but it got it done and the learning was wonderful. I actually knew more about how his body would function than mine would! Relax, talk to your doctor, get the Gardasil series and let it happen. You will know what to say when you know with whom it will be.

Yes ma'am! I plan to just go out there and have fun(with safety of course), especially since I don't have to worry about finances, my job, my home, etc.

jen99

Posted: 08 Oct 23:10


that was certainly more than what you originally said.

But this idea that you HAVE to be in "relationship" before you enjoy sex is rubbish. Apologies to dancing doc, et al, but it simply is not true. The 'need' for a 'relationship' is rooted in insecurity. According to you, you have all of your bases covered and are now ready to embark upon 'the great game' so what do you have to be insecure about? He may not respect/like you in the morning? BFD. You had him just as much as he had you - honors even, and that's assuming you respect/like him afterwards too.

Perhaps you worry about being thought 'easy'? From the male perspective, NOTHING about getting, thrilling and keeping a woman coming back to him is at all easy. He has to get a woman to say yes and then he has to keep that yes from becoming no beforehand and afterwards he has to have done well enough to keep her from sneering at him and her thinking, with regret, that she could have had a quiet evening at home instead. To most men, women are dangerous and volatile creatures with whom he is compelled to bond. The hunger is in his very bones.

But where all you have to say is yes or no, he has to offer, without messing up, to hundreds of women to get just one to acknowledge his existence let alone to get a preliminary yes where she'll actually talk with him. Your anxiety re: sex is nothing compared to his. Add your virginity on top of all of that and yeah, he's going to hesitate - he'd be a lout if he didn't.

I'd recommend hunting up an older man, say 25 to 30 years, unmarried or divorced for two years now, who doesn't work in your field and has no children who shares some of your interests. Just for sex, fun, experience, and to help develop your 'radar'. Relax about the relationship aspect. Date more than one such man simultaneously. Compare and contrast.
What you will find is that over time, you will be spending more of your time with one man and that's the relationship you build and perhaps even the man you will marry and make the father of your children etc and so on.

But what you don't want to be is back in here 20 years later asking us why he won't have sex with you anymore when you married a sexually incompatible man in the first place.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 08 Oct 23:10


Just a little addendum...
Not only is there all that chase that the male has to go through versus the female's yes/no through dating, but it pretty much continues their whole life. Unless a wife/partner is sexually aggressive enough to initiate A LOT there are plenty of times that the guy will still be in "feeler mode" with his SO. Really the only difference is we learn the patterns of our SO's day, so that we don't ask in the dumb times like when you're getting ready for work, or are not feeling good, or are busy with something.

Well, we try to at least, but we do slip up and get our little feelings hurt that we can't have sex 10 minutes before church on Sunday. LOL

Firmus

Posted: 08 Oct 23:10


I love virgins and dated a few. Most are shy to sex but are willing to try different things. Only one went all the way and the sex was amazing. When I gave her oral for her very first time it set a fire inside her that couldn’t go out. I teased her for two months until one day it just happen. By the time it ended we used 6 condoms and she basically fainted after endless orgasm’s. We had a long wild sex life

Posted: 31 Aug 02:24





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