OP: starting an affair with a co-worker....

No
STOP

Jeez! Do not date where you work. Period.You have to get OUT more.
You want casual sex? - Go join your local swing group.

I swear these peeps still playing high school games during their adulthood are inbred.

Esp when they bring in the chatty, big-mouthed girlfriend. Look the woman has a problem so why on earth do you want that problem on your doorstep ready and willing to pound your worthless hide, in his eyes, into chopped beef?

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 08 Oct 22:40

why is it so white and black to you EEK? i am sure there are stats somewhere that say a lot of long healthy relationships are with people that met at work. many people already spend so much time at work why not?

big916

Posted: 08 Oct 22:40

Why is it so 'black and white' to me?

Because I believe that your sex/love life should be managed and enjoyed with wisdom for maximum benefit and fewest risks for self- or mutual destruction and 'drama'. How is this affair going to enhance/enrich his life?

Obviously, this woman hasn't the character of a bathmat else she'd get herself out of that bad MARRIAGE before entering into another relationship. Her ability to make good decisions is also in doubt. She wants an affair in the sense of putting a small bandaid over arterial bleeding.

Equally obviously, her HUSBAND isn't the type of man given to controlling his emotions and thinking things through before acting upon those emotions.

Getting inbetween warring spouses has never been a good situation.

And he wants to bring all of that into the place where he earns his paycheck?!?! Thus making a bad situation worse. Like no one's going to notice and talk. The entire situation reeks of destructive drama.

What he should do is thank her for her interest but decline her offer because she's not interested in HIM. She just wants a bandaid.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 08 Oct 22:40

I do agree with Big; a lot of friendships and relationships develop at work. especially in companies that consist out of people with heart & soul and a passion for their job :) (instead of lifeless offices that could just as easily have been created and run by computers:rolleyes:).

But in this specific case, I agree with EEK. Especially because of this quote:
Getting inbetween warring spouses has never been a good situation.

Personally; I doubt whether we can judge the intentions of this particular woman. We only have a guy's impression of her being "touchy". Does that really tell us anything? :rolleyes: Either way; no need to find that out, since it's clearly a bad idea to go after her.

RedRoses

Posted: 08 Oct 22:41

Precisely, RR.

But you're not getting paid to fool around at work either.
And then there's the whole sexual harassment thing too.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 08 Oct 22:41

True, EEK!
I'd never encourage anyone to fool around at the job. That's what you do at home! :)
Whatever your personal relationship (none/relatives/friends/lovers), you keep a professional attitude during hours the boss pays you for.

In my experience; that's really not hard. People normally adjusts constantly to where they're doing what with whom, so this is just one of them. It's more difficult to keep work off the dinnertable! :rolleyes: Especially since we're both passionate about it. Our boss benefits a lot more than any way he might be neglected by our relationship. Both our superiors as our colleagues are either perfectly fine with it or are happy for us. Let me emphasize we were both single, we dated outside office-hours and we worked in equal positions that prevents even the slightest suspicion of abuse of power.

RedRoses

Posted: 08 Oct 22:41

im not necessarily disagreeing with you EEK on this situation. i disagree that one should never date someone from the office, provided that professionalism is kept and no fooling around at work. if it were me in this particular situation i would wait until the dust settled from these two fighting. let her get on her own feet and find a place so that i avoid the possibility of her wanting to move in too quickly. is that not a logical way to go out this situation, because i believe it is.

big916

Posted: 08 Oct 22:41

Big - you're still operating on a hazardous wavelength and frankly with a woman whose decsion-making skills - she married him - are this poor, I'd pass.

I have worked with men in the military where the rules are somewhat 'different' but also where lives depended upon you not being distracted at work. Besides, in this economoic climate, would you reaally want to take the chance of losing your job if the 'affair' goes sour? NEVER date someone from work.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 08 Oct 22:41

Do not dip your pen in the office ink.

Many larger companies have policies regarding place in the company - cannot have the same reporting or endorsing official - and do assist in transfers as necessary. Too many office affairs (indeed, affairs of all types) end less than pleasantly. You should really not place yourself in a position in which you can easily screw up your personal and professional lives in one act.

I am with Evil and my industry is rife with hanky panky in the hospital corridors.

Brandye

Posted: 08 Oct 22:41

I do wonder; what about family-businesses then? These appear to "work" ;)

Guess I'm happy to be living in the Netherlands :) Because here a company can not prohibit relationships. All they can do, is ask for the people to report to their superiors that they are involved. They perhaps could fire, if it is explicitly documented and openly communicated, without the slightest doubt, that dismissal will follow when a romantic relationship is started among employees AND the company can proof that this policy is 100% how it is dealt with in practice AND the rules as described are considered "reasonable" by the court. In other words; if companies try to fire on these grounds, the court will rule in favor of the employees in nearly all cases :rolleyes: What companies can do, is find other grounds prior (not after; off course the court will see the scam!). Iow: playing an unfair card. Yet mostly; only the hint of an employee to take the matter upstairs is enough to get a good deal out of it. (In the Netherlands lawsuits are not as common as in the US.)

Personally; I'm not interested in sticking around in a bad and stressed working environment, just because the law permits me to. There's a social aspect far more important in a place where you spend most of your days. To me it was vital to get a neutral or positive response.

RedRoses

Posted: 08 Oct 22:41

There's enough stress at work without adding ex-lovers to that mix.
And then there's the grapevine...

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 08 Oct 22:42

I dont think would have a relationship with a coworker.... If the relationship didnt work out it might make things awkward in the workpace. And that is aside from the fact that this woman is married..... that is not something to get in the middle of!!

DaniJo

Posted: 08 Oct 22:42

There are work related relationship guidelines that have been in place for decades, Big.

* Superiors should not date subordinates
* People should not date others on the same shift and/or department
* It is OK to date equals on different shifts - who work in different departments

When it come to dating a man or woman who has recently ended a relationship, wait for several months to a year or so, depending upon the length of the previous relationship. Each of us requires time to get over the other person and to reset our sites, goals, objectives, and, to get used to living solo for awhile. It has never been a good idea to start a "rebound relationship" with someone newly single.

As for interjecting yourself into a (troubled) or existing relationship, you will probably discover that even if a couple is fighting, they will band together if the unit is threatened. Not always, but, enough that doing so is not a good idea. Date a truly single person, both in her legal status and in her mental status.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 08 Oct 22:42

dude, your going to get into more trouble than you can handle. affairs never turn out good. someone gets hurt or even worse. i would stay away and just stay friends with her. thats my advice.

brianmyers

Posted: 08 Oct 22:43

I have to place myself squarely on the fence on this one.

In general......they can work, if done with care.
This one.....when snowballs survive down south....WAY south.

RR, your question about family businesses....it just depends. On the one hand, there's a difference between starting a relationship at work, and starting a business with a family member. On the other, even the latter doesn't always work out. NASCAR racing legend Dale Earnhardt Sr couldn't race for his wife. He owned a racing company but drove for a different one.

I have to ask the OP to make up his mind. Are you wanting to start an affair, or a relationship?

lnt1103

Posted: 08 Oct 22:43

There are two very red flags here;

1) Sounds like she's not an equal coworker, you're her superior, is that right?
2) She's married!!!:eek:

So; you have to take at least two meassures;
1) switch company or downgrade within this company to a position equal to hers.
2) go have a talk with her husband and her.
Both have to be taken, if not; you're in a definite no-go-zone.

Why?
Because in a superior position there are conflicting needs at stake here! Not only should you know your own ethics not to put her in the position of; "perhaps I'll lose my job if I don't". I mean seriously, unless you really want to get some very disrespecting names not appropriate to spell out here, you DON'T!!! And; you should be concerned of your own job. She could rather easily drag you to your superiors or even court for you being sexually harassing at the first move you make.

And I think I don't need to explain about marriage, do I?:rolleyes: Some couples may be open-minded, but you should be 100% sure of that.

If you're in an equal position, you should at least take her being married (!) into account. And do be aware not all companies tolerate (sexual) relationships at work. Personally; I'm not against relationships at work, as long as it's a clean situation and sorry to say, but the situation in this thread has something fishy about it all...:(

RedRoses

Posted: 08 Oct 22:44

Been there, done it. Will probably never do it again.

At the time we started our affair she didn't work directly with me or under me, she worked for a different department altogether. We spoke at length at the beginning of the affair that this was completely outside of work and I had nothing to offer her professionally. I repeatedly asked her why she was interested in me (I'm a 6, she's a 10+). Each time she said she was attracted to what's on the inside and always wanted to be with someone a little older.

A position became available in my department that she actually had all of the requirements for so I pulled strings to get her the position. The day she got the promotion she told me we shouldn't date anymore and the relationship ended abruptly.

We're still friendly with each other, but it's INCREDIBLY difficult to work so closely with her knowing that A: she probably used me to get a promotion and more money, and B: I see her flirt with other guys in the office on almost a daily basis.

It's all fun and games until it ends (and statistically, they almost always end) then it's excruciatingly painful. I'm looking for a new job, which is difficult at my level.

Good luck to you!

Cookiemonster6970

Posted: 08 Oct 22:44