OP: My first time is not her first... I'm bothered by this.

Welcome to the world of JEALOUSY and PUNISHING WOMEN FOR THEIR PAST and she knew this would happen which is why she did not want to tell you about this and also explains why she trusted her gut and did not enjoy all that much sex with you in the first place.

It is time she broke up with you.

Now then: where you went wrong.

1. You over valued virginity. This made her feel like crap. Congrats! Instead of playing it cool you acted like some kid with a new toy "oh goody it is all so bright and shiny and new and it only has my fingerprints on it!"

2. You failed to interpret her actions/mood correctly. And this is due to #1 above and being a virgin yourself. So now you see why being a virgin isn't a good thing when it comes to building a relationship. You're a blind man trying to find your way through an unknown maze.

Now she's told you all and...you can't get 'past it'. It being "she says it had actually been a lot more than that! In the back of his shitty car! In a damn parking lot! I asked her how many times and she said she couldn't remember... most people can remember numbers under 10..." News flash - most women have a past and most of that past is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

I suggest you go and see that the number one complaint of older men is that their wives are not interested in sex. Then think WHY the women might lose their enjoyment of sex.

Perhaps it is because they have experienced being with a man like you who "can't get past it" which made them feel like crap "damaged goods" and all of that other rot so they turned their enjoyment of sex into a whip they beat themselves with since obviously they're unworthy of the love of a decent man. This lies latent even after marrying someone they love, who loves them back, and gradually traps them into a downward spiral.

Your gf does not have a problem, you have the problem and you're committing the sin of making your problem, your insecurity of possibly being compared to some other man, her problem. For shame!

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 04 Oct 23:40

EEK has it spot on. What she has for a background, and it sounds innocuous to me, she has for a background and it is really none of your business. Learn from that. You are now in the circle of jealousy and mistrust and I have no idea why she has not moved on. Do so and get a fresh start.

Brandye

Posted: 04 Oct 23:40

So... instead of attacking me, could someone maybe give me advice on how to get over it and move on with the relationship? I'm new to this and im looking for someone to help me fix my problem, not just tell me why I'm wrong and an asshole. I realize I made some poor assumptions at the beginning and I am truly sorry for it, I've already talked to her about it and we've moved past most of the problems together but I'm trying to get over my latent issues.

Sov

Posted: 04 Oct 23:40

Dear Sov,
From everything you've written, it is clear to me that she has been honest with you, even when she didn't owe you any explanation. You have not been listening and been assuming things that weren't said.

Which brings me to the following: Do you ask her what she (dis)likes? Do you really listen to what she replies? Or are you assuming?

Improving your listening-skills could improve your relationship and sex-life. If it's too late for this relationship, it will be of benefit in the future. Also; I'd advice you to adjust your own attitude towards sex, virginity/being experienced and relationships. Because it's not her, it's your own attitude that is making you feel bad. Changing this essentially means making that choice. Probably someone has imprinted your attitudes first, but you are your own master and can change it.

I hope this has opened your eyes and even more so: ears. If you love her as much as you say you do, you better start treating her with the respect she deserves. You can't reverse the hands of time, but you are very much able to better yourself for the future. Perhaps even heal some of the damage done, if she allows you a second chance. Expect this to be a slow process and no quick fix. You have rewarded her honesty and trust with anger and disgust and sadly that can have quite an impact on a person. It will take time.

Good luck!

RedRoses

Posted: 04 Oct 23:41

I do believe that EEK and I both gave some good advice. Move on. Although you posted in Married and Long term, you are just getting started. In mid-marriage perhaps counselling would be advisable; at this beginning point, that circle of jealousy mistrust is exceedingly difficult to break and, as EEK says it, a "downward spiral" results.

Advice: Learn. That will do you some real good no matter what transpires.

Brandye

Posted: 04 Oct 23:41

It was necessary to attack no so much you but your attitude implict in the quote about the car and how could someone forget how many times - as if numbers really matter. That you got defensive only proves my point - you over value virginity and are insecure. You cannot afford to be insecure in this world. You must realize that your attitude will always affect the outcome so you have to learn early on to think if reacting badly to the truth/advice will get you to your goal.

Instead of not getting over it, realize that here you have a great opportunity to LEARN something. This girl can teach you a thing or two - if only you'd value her and her experience.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 04 Oct 23:41

Sov have you ever heard the saying "I poked a frog with a stick once." what does it have to do ewith anything? Wel nothing, nothing at all. What your G?F did in hte past has nothing to do with the now. She was honest with you and you wig out about it.

I agree with the Ladies that she handled it right and you didn't handle it at all

BertDCaveman

Posted: 04 Oct 23:42

Oh man. Don't be THAT guy. First, you have no right to judge her for her past. You need to work on your current relationship, not compare it to her past relationship. If you want to have sex more, talk to her about how you feel. If it is indeed a logistics issue, what's the problem? Don't make her feel bad about how her past relationship. Express your needs in your current relationship.

Phoenix5000

Posted: 04 Oct 23:42

So essentially she lied to you at the start of your relationship. I guess where you go from here on out is based on you and whether you can get over the fact that shes a liar or if you think she can be honest in a relationship. Once you get past that or not there are other things to consider- Do you think that this subject could be affecting her 'mood' is it brought up a lot?

Amy28

Posted: 04 Oct 23:43

Essentially she lied? She's a liar?! :confused:

Let's rewind: She told him the truth when she said she had never been in a relationship. He just assumed that meant she also never had sex. When confronted with his assumption, she was so kind to give him the proper perspective. Then he went on assuming that the sex she did have, was only once. To which she again truthfully informed him his assumption was incorrect. Even though she didn't owe him any explanation.

No lies there at all. Just his expectations and false assumptions. For which she can not be blamed, certainly not be marked as a liar and definitely should not be punished. Even though the latter sadly has happened already, since her honesty was met with negativity. And apart from hitting his forehead thinking "stupid me!", I'd advice him to not be too hard on himself either. Just to learn and listen :)

That is; if he's still even reading along 2 months later...:rolleyes:

RedRoses

Posted: 04 Oct 23:43

I guess relationship was not clearly defined meaning boyfriend girlfriend or sexual. Hadnt noticed the date and was just stating my opinion. He's the one that lost his virginity to her. I guess he thought she had done the same with him. Just how i perceived it. If she had been open to begin with it could have all been avoided.

Amy28

Posted: 04 Oct 23:44

Amy, she answered his questions truthfully - how is that NOT being open?
Me thinks you, Amy, have issues of your own regarding feminine sexual experience.

Whatever her experience, she does NOT have to answer to him for it - ever.
And an intelligent man never asks anyway because her sexual experience is evident.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 04 Oct 23:44

> That is; if he's still even reading along 2 months later...

His last visit was the day he started this thread. So, while all the recent discussion has not benefited him, hopefully it will be useful to other fellas who have issues regarding truth, consequences, and a right to know what clearly is a personal and private matter.

The past is over, the future has not happened; all we have is the present. What guys need to focus on is the here and now in order to make for a better future.

For anybody willing to become righteous over a person's omissions regarding the past, please read the article I included in my earlier reply.

Finally, when you want to get in a huff about not being told "everything" about her past life, consider the following: "of what benefit is it for him/her to know...."

dancingdoc2

Posted: 04 Oct 23:44

I came to this forum questioning if various views of sexuality would be welcomed...not put down and attacked....what an eye opener....do we all have to FEEL the same, look through the same lenses?

The replies to this man answered my question very quickly...that NO... anyone who may share a more conservative type view of sexuality...(there are 6 sexual views 1) Covenant 2)Procreative 3) Romantic 4) Plain sex view 5)Power View 6) Expressive view)....

Seems if you are not a casual sex believer here -you will be attached...immediately called Insecure...and put down...

Yeah.. that's a shame...this seems like a nice forum.. A lot to be learned.. saddens me. Pm me poster, I can direct you to another forum where the judgement is NOT this steep...

Me & my husband married as Virgins (well we waited for intercourse)....this was very precious to both of us.. it saddens me very much to see the virgin bashing on the internet today... It is NOT always about insecurities... it is about personal beliefs, values, what is important to one person may not be important to another, this doesn't mean we have to stab each other in the gut.

Voracious

Posted: 04 Oct 23:45

"Virginity" as you call it is only defined as such when people put too much importance on that concept, that can come from either the inexperienced or the experienced people that tend to freak out about being 'virgin' or finding out someone else is.

Most of the time , this common freaking out tends to stem from social pressure and insecurity that either comes from the 'experienced' about the 'virgin' or from the 'virgin' about the 'experienced'.
(I use parenthesis because experience doesn't always mean its the right sort of experience so this whole thing tends to be more or less nonesense)

Maybe in your case it is not at all the situation: people choose to have sex or to 'save themselves' for various reasons and the people on this forum are very open and understanding of that, but that said are you going to deny that in many cases it is indeed a matter of insecurity?

Also you seem to be so convinced that there are only 6 types of views on sexuality? isn't that exactly the sort of stereotyping you are trying to speak against?

Male Apprentice

Posted: 04 Oct 23:45