OP: I'm not good at flirting... help!

Well, as a guy i'm not going to be able to say what female to female flirting is like, or even what works, but I do know how women flirt with me, and vice versa.

I've noticed that flirting with women from a male perspective is mostly self deprecating humor for me. I tease about how I am a dork, or how I'm not a typical "macho" man, then try to incorporate that into her. For example I'll talk about doing laundry, and how I have a magical power that I almost always end up with the correct number of socks (I do). Most people will open up to a thing like that because they don't, which gives me an in for more joking around. I've noticed that women (well, a certain "caliber" of women) aren't impressed with what guys would think. They aren't impressed by touts of strength or abilities. That just comes off as a braggart.

Also, I've noticed women are way more visual in sending and receiving queues. Women will accentuate what they like about themselves. Fingers through hair, hands on their legs, etc. One lady I know is very oral when she flirts. Like eating she'll suck her fingertips a little longer while looking in the person's eyes, etc. These seem to work for men to women too. Running my fingers through my hair, or things like that. Not flexing around or lifting heavy things. That's back to braggart.

Basically to me, flirting is like normal interactions, but just "more" and geared towards your target. I like to be funny, but I'll be funnier to that person. You may be able to use your flustered feelings to your advantage. Maybe express to a woman "I'm sorry, but I'm taken aback by you. I'm not able to express myself to you like I so hoped to." The women I've flirted with seem to like knowing they have an upper hand over a man, especially a "big guy", kind of removing the threatening feeling of someone twice their strength. Who knows, it may have the same effect for women to women? Maybe it will disarm the competition factor that women seem to have for one another?

Firmus

Posted: 09 Oct 00:01

Thanks @Firmus,I just don't want to seem like a 'dork' or like I am coming across as being too desperate and needy.I have been told that I am quite funny sometimes,but how to get that across in a way that will impress is something I'm not sure of.I am also not really all that self confident in myself and perhaps that is coming across in my discussions that I have had so far.I guess I could use the standard lines 'oh what beautiful eyes,smile you have',and see where that leads.

Aphrodite_66

Posted: 09 Oct 00:01

I suggest that you find a bisexual friend FIRST who just might be intersted in more - later on. As to flirting woman to woman, I wouldn't know but I'd imagine it would be similar but more subtle than with a man since woman 'do nuance'. How you flirt w a guy - easy! Just wink and smile like the Mona Lisa while stroking the stem of your wine glass up and down. *evil grin*

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 09 Oct 00:01

That's what I am trying to do EEK,but the ones I have been with so far have just been curious and want sex only then dump me.I have chatted with a few women online or via cell phone and texting,but after we meet they decide that they just want to be platonic friends only.Our meetings have only been at the local coffee shop,just informal and not intense.But I feel that I am either too unattractive or too boring for them to want to go any further.I feel that if I can learn to flirt then I can improve my self confidence and have that 'wow' factor too.

Aphrodite_66

Posted: 09 Oct 00:01

Or it could be they're just not the right women for you. It is just like hunting for men. You're trying to find the one(s) that suit you while also suiting them. Stop being so serious and stop acting as if the world's goinng to end this week. If you just had fun with this, you'd do a lt better nd enjoy the process more.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 09 Oct 00:02

I am having fun,and I know that is the main thing, but I just don't want to be with a woman for sex only.I want to meet someone who will be my best friend and lover too.To have several women use me for sex and then dump me unceremoniously by deleting me from their contacts on the dating site,after they had indicated that they wanted to see me again was devastating to say the least.It was their decision I know,and I shouldn't be too upset about it as it was good experience for me.Women can be players too as I have found out the hard way.I have been used for sex and stood up several times,just wish they would be more honest with me,and tell me that they don't want to see me instead of just dropping me like a hot potato.

Aphrodite_66

Posted: 09 Oct 00:02

Yes, it isn't a perfect world full of perfect people but then YOU have to refine your selection criteria.

First of all, make it LUNCH and not just a cup of coffee since the longer interview makes it pretty clear to both parties if this is going to fly or not.
Then be honest from the start - friends with benefits is what you want and DON'T be "needy" about it because that scares people. I get a sense that being 'needy' might be an issue for you - part of that seeking validation thing.

You could also try reversing the process - going out for the sex and finding a friend along the way. It can happen. I do this all of the time but then I am naturally wayward which is something men find difficult to resist.

What can you do to make yourself difficult to resist?

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 09 Oct 00:02

Gee, I am glad I did not jump in here early on. I thought Aphrodite asked how to, yet the replies are more about where to meet someone and what to do next.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 09 Oct 00:02

Because HOW to FLIRT is something most children learn by the time they're 4 when we call it CUTE. Then we tell them to stop it and that it is 'leading them on' and its bad. So all anyone has to do is to remember what they did back then - perhaps watch a 4 year-old to refresh your memory - and then do that again.

I've been able to observe small female children in action and I can tell you they lay it on with a trowel! It makes me laugh and it makes the object of their flirting smile. Spreading joy is all flirting is and if you can also be irrepressible - so much the better!

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 09 Oct 00:03

Yes you are right DD2,but I do appreciate the replies given.EEk you asked what can I do to make myself difficult to resist.Well that's why I want to know how to flirt because it has never come naturally to me.I am not used to doing the chasing,men have always pursued me and I never had a problem getting a date if I wanted one.But I do find it hard to chase the one thing that I want ,which is a woman to share things with that I can't do with my man.Someone who will become my best friend and lover,who I can laugh with,cry with and confide in.I can do all these things with my partner of course,but I don't see him all that often and want that soft sensual touch of a woman's hand when I need it.

People I meet do say that they like how natural and down to earth I am,and that I am accepting and understanding as well.But I think that part of my problem is that I can be a little too accepting and understanding sometimes.I am also very open and honest,and always upfront about what I want.I do tell women I meet that I have a male partner,but a few get put off by that as they think that it automatically means that I want a 3some,but I make it clear that's an optional extra only if they are fine with it,and it doesn't have to occur straight away.He has been very understanding and supportive of me and lets me go out alone which a lot of other male partners don't like.It would be nice if he could be involved in some way,but I like to leave that up to the other woman to decide,but so far it hasn't happened yet.

Aphrodite_66

Posted: 09 Oct 00:03