Bothered by wife having single male friends...

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My wife's been talking to a guy online over the past year. He lives about 2 hours away, and she admits he's the person she vents to about me when she has to (infrequently, and among other topics). I've seen some of their chats early on (about a year ago), and he did seem to make a few sex jokes and comments here and there, and my wife may have been a tiny bit flirty (although she plainly told him to stop the sexual stuff). Regardless, it wasn't in every conversation, and the more it went on the more it seemed friendly as that stuff disappeared. She definitely enjoys talking to him online, and considers him a friend.

Anyway, we ended up meeting him together recently and it went pretty well. I know they're just friends, and he seems like a nice guy, but...where do I draw the line (do I draw a line?)?! He's single, is dating a few girls but may not be satisfied with them (based on what she tells me), and he appears to have a crush on my wife. He makes her laugh, but other than that isn't really someone I picture her being interested in romantically. I think they would be great friends, but that's all.

I'm really not afraid she's going to leave me for him, or that they're going to sleep together or anything like that. I can imagine him hitting on her or trying to be more touchy feel-y (I thought I saw him try to put his arm around her when they were sitting together, then take it back quickly and look nervous as he remembered she's married and her husbands in the room). I have faith she would reject him if he tries anything (and he may not even). I don't mind them going out to eat by themselves if that comes up, as long as I'm told beforehand and nothing is hidden.

I'm wondering though...is that the right stance to take? Personally, I'm fine with them hanging out together, but would it be a mistake to get in the habit of one spouse going out alone with a single opposite sex friend? Would that be a date? I've been trying to imagine who would pay for the meal and if that matters, but I don't know if it does. I don't want to be a "barely there" husband, but I don't want to be a jealous oppressive husband either. I guess I'm trying to find a balance somewhere in the middle,...is this taking it too far though?

I should say nothing is planned of them hanging out alone, and I doubt it would come to that. It's just something I've considered. We'll probably all hang out again together as it was nice, but aside from this little break our schedules are locked down pretty tight. Free time with friends outside of class is pretty rare for us - our schedules just fell inline with his, it was something they've been wanting to do, so we went ahead with it and it worked out.

LickMyGamete

Replies:

They met online.
About 100 miles between them.
Not an established "old friend."
Takes some effort to get together.
There is clearly a sexual tension between them.
She is doing nothing to discourage a relationship.
Neither are you.
In fact, with respect to 6 & 7, you are each encouraging him.

Just where do you think this is heading? Why would their having dinner together be anything other than a date? Why do men and women date?

An old friend locally would simply be hanging out. A new friend at some distance is another story. Time for a loooong chat, perhaps with a moderator.

Brandye

Okay, so the following questions come to mind.

Do you trust your wife?
Do you trust him?
Do you trust in the strength of your marriage?

If yes to all of the above - what's your problem?

Pride? Insecurity? What will the neighbors think? Setting a bad precedent?

No one can foretell the future but if your choices are to play the heavy jealous lover/husband or to let the lady off the leash - let the lady off the leash. What's going on here is not very serious. You did the right thing by meeting him with her first; continue doing that, periodically. No need to stress about it but you do have to make it clear that you are HE as far as she is concerned. NO, this is not a 'date'.

And whoever invites is the one who pays - for the meal.

EvilEvilKitten

Well, lick, there you have it. Two of the "older," more established, sexually liberated women on the Board, who usually agree, have given you exactly opposite advice. You have some thoughts to sort through and a decision to make.

Brandye

Here's a couple thoughts:

One possibility is that you truly feel that you have no reason to have a problem with this situation. But that you're over thinking because it feels weird to you as a male that you don't have an issue with your wife enjoying conversations and company of a male who is single and who is not you.

The other possibility I see is that you really DO have an issue with the situation, but are trying to convince yourself otherwise because you don't want to behave like a jealous husband.

Talk to your wife. I know you're having trouble both deciding and articulating precisely how you feel about the situation, but share with her everything you can about where you are with this. Hopefully the two of you can help each other process all this and find a mutual place to land about it.

lnt1103

The only advice anyone can really give you is to brutally honest with yourself FIRST and only THEN discuss this with your wife.

EvilEvilKitten

There's definitely no sexual tension between them, as in Brandyes post. It's more...2 people who have talked almost daily to eachother over the past year and who genuinely care for each other. She's beautiful, he knows it, and I truly don't take him for the type who would go behind my back and sneak around with her (and I KNOW my wife wouldn't do that anyway). She says he's more like a brother, which is the impression I got when they were hanging out, but they obviously care for each other. Really, that is great to have another guy who would be there to help her with something if I can't. I guess that's what is sort of weird to me - my dad was an abusive overly jealous alcoholic, and my mom wasn't allowed to have any male friends. That's all my experience with this situation has been, outside of this message board. I know if my dad saw my wife going out with another (single) man he would be thinking the worst...but I don't care, I never talk with him nowadays.

So I think lnt (with his first suggestion) & Evil hit it right on the head. I did end up talking with her (just saying again that I absolutely trust her, and that he seems like a really nice guy, but that I know about the sexual jokes he has a tendency to make and that he doesn't need to be nervous around me when he does make one. I trust her judgment.) And I also had a talk with him. He obviously cares for her, I admitted I was jealous at first but I'm not anymore of their relationship, and that they seem like very compatible friends, and I'm glad it worked out between them.

I also told her if she wishes to meet him by herself for dinner or something, they can do that.

So I guess as Evil said - if you trust your wife, the other guy, and have faith in your marriage, then her going out by herself with the guy isn't a big deal. I just come from an environment where it is, but thank god I don't feel that same jealously my dad did.

LickMyGamete

Remember Lick, how fun it was living with your dad? Now think of how great it was for your mom to be married to him.
Don't let that into your life.

EvilEvilKitten

Thanks everyone who commented, I think I have it now in perspective.

I guess it's sort of sad that neither my wife nor I have any happy marriage examples to go by, but that's why this board and its members are so amazing! Thanks everyone!

LickMyGamete

A successful marriage is joyous, warm, supportive and loving.
Be that and you won't go far wrong.

EvilEvilKitten

If you have a problem with this so should she - he knows she married and if he wanted a friend he should not look for this in someones wife.I don't care what anyone else says when you get close to a woman (friends) you can't help but think - well you know what I'm trying to say.Even though 99.9 times out of a 100 you don't act on it . Anyone with good intentions knows a Married Women is off limits,and does not leave any room for any questions-Keep an eye and hand on this. Just my $.02 ,good luck

Bryon

Oh, please. What is this, "When Harry Met Sally"?

Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail them too.
Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.

Give me a break! If this is your thinking, you're LOOKING for things to get jealous about and you need a wake up call.

lnt1103

Well, Bryon, that looks like a 'personal problem' to me. If YOU can't keep it in your pants - that is YOUR problem, not hers.

It is YOU who needs to be on the leash.

EvilEvilKitten

I just Don't see why a single man to go two hours out of the way to see a married woman for friendship that he met on the web. Sorry if rubbed a few the wrong way, but for Licks sake,I hope I'm wrong. I just don't have much use for someone who would pursue a "fling" with a married person.

Bryon