Wife Freakier when Cheating
Some years ago I caught my wife having an affair that had been going on for over a year. Desperate to save our marriage she agreed to answer all my questions and give me all the details I asked about. We’ve gotten past all that now and in fact our marriage is probably stronger than it was previously. But one thing still bothers me. During her confessions she admitted to performing certain sex acts with him that she had previously refused to even talk about doing with me. She swallowed for him and she did anal with him. She has never been able to explain why. Her explanations are things like, “Well I know I shouldn’t have done it, but I guess I got caught up in the moment?” And, “I wish I hadn’t! I shouldn’t have! I didn’t particularly enjoy doing either one! I don’t know why!” I now find others reporting this as a fairly common phenomenon in affairs. Can you enlighten me as to why? Why would a woman do sexual things for a lover that she refused to do with her husband?
Replies:
Infidelity can devastate a relationship. The steps that you took to make your relationship “stronger than it was previously” may come in handy in addressing your current concern. Whatever dynamic the two of you have that prevented her from being up front and honest may give you insight into the reason she got so freaky with her lover.
Without knowing her side of the story, we can only make assumptions about her behavior. Her performing those sexual acts could have been because she felt more comfortable doing them with a stranger. It may be simply because her lover’s ejaculate tasted better, or that his penis shape was more conducive to anal sex. Maybe she perceives anal and swallowing as acts that are suitable for a naughty affair, rather than something you do with your husband. Perhaps she actually is comfortable with those activities, but is resistant to doing them with you.
Sometimes, when a woman goes outside of the relationship, she feels the need to be outside of herself. She might have been experiencing conflicting feelings about her relationship with you, but couldn’t bring herself to address them with you, or possibly, even with herself. People who go through emotional conflict sometimes find it easier to look to external sources for distraction, approval, self-gratification, or a way out. They also do things they do not normally do, which in her case, might have been the sexual acts that you’ve described.
Be honest with yourself … does the thought of her doing these things with someone else turn you on in some way? If so, perhaps discuss the possibility of Polyamory (more than one relationship at a time) or Swinging as an option? You’re obviously committed to making this relationship work. This answer may sound simple but it works; focus on cultivating open and respectful communication in your relationship. She’s already demonstrated that she has a tendency to avoid the truth, so she may need encouragement to be honest about her feelings. Consider an objective third party, such as a Sex Therapist, to guide you through this issue.