Your friends were partially correct about the effect of smoking and cannabis consumption on your lover’s erections. Research shows that there are a number of physiological factors that contribute to Erectile Dysfunction (ED), such as: physical activity, aging, obesity, smoking and high intake of alcohol. However, to pinpoint the blame on just one factor is oversimplifying the complexities of ED, which can be both physical and psychological in nature.

Due to past social stigma this problem was rarely discussed, but with the arrival of prescription drugs such as ‘Viagra’ and ‘Cialis’, ED is now ‘out of the closet’ and surprisingly much more common than most people think. At least half of men between the ages of 40 to 70 have experienced trouble achieving or maintaining an erection at some point, but suffering from an occasional ‘let-down’ is completely normal and nothing to worry about. Occasionally being unable to sustain an erection is usually the result of temporary inhibitors, such as: fatigue, hunger, being under the influence of alcohol or drugs, and stress - but it usually goes away when the immediate causes are dealt with. However, a persistent inability to stay hard with a partner is a sign that he may be dealing with deeper underlying physical or psychological factors.

Some physical conditions associated with impotence are: heart disease; vascular diseases; diabetes; multiple sclerosis; alcoholism; smoking; abdominal surgery; spinal cord or nerve damage; low hormone levels; and the side effect of some prescription drugs, narcotics, and sedatives.

Psychological impotence usually has a very sudden onset and is the result of mental conditions where the man is unable to concentrate on sexual activities. Some things that can lead to this form of dysfunction are: excessive stress; relationship woes; depression; anxiety about perceived inadequate sexual performance; other psychiatric conditions.

As you say your sexual partner doesn’t have issues getting hard (only staying hard), then his issues are likely more to do with ‘performance anxiety’ rather than something you assume you might be doing wrong, or not doing enough of. Is he able to stay hard while he masturbates? If so, a common scenario where ED arises is when a man begins to have sex with a new partner - exactly as in your situation. The thought of having sex with someone new is exciting for him, but it can also prove to be unnerving and provoke great anxiety. When he focuses more on impressing his lover, rather than focusing on the pleasurable sensations of sex, it can become difficult (if not impossible) to maintain an erection.

This type of worry has a way of becoming a vicious cycle. Once it’s happened a couple of times, a man may begin to shift his attention away from impressing his partner to worrying if - or for how long - he’ll be able to be hard. The anxiety can become so overwhelming, it will most certainly impact his ability to get hard and stay hard. Repeat events like these can cause devastating effects to self-esteem, create sexual stigmas, and hurt relationships.

The best way to improve sex is to be patient with him and not blame his wayward erections on yourself (or him). Certainly, it’s worth approaching him (in a non-judgmental manner) to look for feedback and provide reassurance. Discuss it casually, rather than as a matter of life-and-death. If he is caught in the cycle of anxiety, perhaps he needs extra help to distract himself from worry. Help prevent his mind from wandering to his problem; perhaps try tactics such as:

Having sex in an unusual setting, such as outdoors - or even on the floor.
Catching him by surprise, so he doesn’t have any time beforehand to psych himself out.
Give him a variety of Penile Massage stimulation, alternating between fast and slow strokes.
When he goes limp say, “Not to worry, let’s try something else…” such as Oral, Sex Toys, etc. … or just lead the way. Capitalize on the other aspects of the fact that he is otherwise “great in bed”!
Try Talking Dirty to re-arouse him mentally.
This might be all that’s needed to improve the situation, but ultimately you both have to learn to not over-think it.

If these tips don’t improve his ED, he should see his medical practitioner. Whatever the cause, physical or psychological, there is no longer any need for men (and women) to suffer in silence. He may just need temporary medical help with the use of prescription drugs to re-bolster his self-confidence and (pardon the pun) ‘get him over the hump’.

Posted: 17 Aug 19:14