OP: I might be bi-sexual

Dazed, there is a full spectrum of sexuality. You are thinking in terms of gay-bi-straight as the only options, when in reality there are many in-betweens and shades of gray. It's not like you either are equally attracted to both sexes or you are gay or you are straight. I've never been in a relationship with a girl, though I have fooled around with girls. In general, I think girls bodies are more attractive than male bodies. Walking down the street I see more women I would want to hook up with than males. Yet I am very happily in a long term relationship with my boyfriend, and we want to get married. I am very attracted to him. If someone asked, I'd say that I'm bi. But that doesn't change the fact that I am happily in a relationship with a man. My best advice is not to limit yourself. Don't worry about what title to give your sexuality. If it feels right to be with a woman - do it. And if it feels right to be with a man - do it. It sounds to me like you are attracted to both sexes, so I think it is fair to say that you are bi or bi-curious. In five years, you may find that you are only interested in dating men. If that's the case, you can say you're straight then. In the meantime just worry about what feels good in the moment.

browneyedgirl

Posted: 30 Sep 07:00

I guess the point you as the OP & Ducy are looking for a clear cut picture and there is not one. Experiment sexually & see where you are most comfortable. As you get older "having the answers" is not as important; rather leading a happy life is the most significant part. How do you find happiness? Try life, see what makes you happy, and then live it. What you find attractive is your teens, 20's, 30's, etc...continuously changes. But experimenting will help you find your sexual identity, likes, & dislikes.

sera300

Posted: 30 Sep 07:00

(Brandye, About 20 years ago, I realized that there is no winner, and therefore there is no competition. So there is at least one woman in the world who does not look at other women to "check out the competion." I appreciate whatever it is I find attractive in both sexes without worrying about how I might measure up (for some desireable other person) in comparison with that person.)

Anyhow, to answer Dazed original question, I agree with browneyedgirl in many ways.

"Lesbian, bisexual, and straight" are recently invented socially convenient categories that we as a society agree to use to identify women who have and/or act on sexual desire their sexual desire for women, women and men, or men (respectively). The categories don't actually define our sexuality; but our sexuality gets defined through these categories by ourselves or other people.

You are telling us in your post that you have sexual desires for women and for men. The category for that is "bisexual." But that doesn't mean that you ARE "a bisexual," however, it is a word that may be useful to you to describe to other people which sex(es) you are attracted to.

If you choose to call yourself, "bisexual" now, you are free to keep that identity or change it over time. You don't have to BE a bisexual, ACT like a bisexual, or in any other way adjust your sexuality or your life to fit into your idea of what "bisexuals" are supposed to say, do, or feel.

Someday you may find that your desire for men is so strong that you stop desiring women. Or you may find that your desire for women is so much stronger that you stop desiring men. So what? You don't have to explain yourself to anyone about why the label does or doesn't fit you. You don't have to say, "Whoops, guess I'm really straight and I've been lying to myself all this time!" " or "Whoops, I guess I'm really a lesbian, not a bisexual after all." People are not "really" anything. It's all about your desire at a specific time.

Don't be afraid to accept any of your sexual desires as "real." People often say that adolescents experiment with homosexuality, but it is equally true that adolescents experiment with heterosexuality. Adolescents experiment sexually.

Guess what? So do adults.

Best,

BTDTWoman

Posted: 30 Sep 07:01

First off, i apologize if i sound ignorant in anyway, because well i am. i also dont want to offend anyone and if i do it is completely unintentional and ill apologize in advance.

I think i might be bi, or even a lesbian. I don't know. I have always been more open with girls, but then i like to hang around a lot of guys... i have dated 2 guys but other than that i haven't had any relationship experience. its like im attracted to both but i don't really know if its a phase or something. im a freshman in hs and i'm really close with some of my girl friends and i dont know if i like one of them... i've been called a lesbian because of how i act with my friends, we hold hands in the hall and we hug a lot and because i go to a small school where people are very ignorant. there have been couple of times where my friend ashley and i have joked around and she would say something like if you were a guy id go out with you and i dont know... its like there are times we hug and i dont want to let go.... but she's straight and is currently going out with my ex bf, which im totally fine with. but i feel like if i tell her or anyone of my friends that i feel this way, they might not act the same around me. i wouldnt blame them i just dont want them to become distant. im not crushing on my other friends that i hold hands with and hug, its just her. not to mention the fact that i am also crushing on my guy friend that ive known since third grade and im just very confused. and was wondering if i could have some advice. I don't know how to deal with these feelings.

mellohello

Posted: 30 Sep 08:15

well ashley is straight so it probably wouldn't be a good idea to tell her those feelings if she isnt even bi curious. no matter the gender or sexual preference i think a friend liking the other and they dont feel the same could make the friendship awkward. you have to ask yourself is the risk of telling her how you feel about her worth possibly not having the same friendship. see what your guy friend thinks about you. he must like your personality and you two get along well since your friends so see what he thinks about being in a relationship with you. he may have always thought you were cute but never made a move. hope the best for you.

big916

Posted: 30 Sep 08:15

girls tend to hold hands and hug. That is nothing out of the ordinary. I go to a christian school with one of the most anti homosexual views ever. And the girls will hug and cuddle. Now im not anti gay, infact im bi-curious. So go find someone to experiment with, you might be surprised!

Thecalliton

Posted: 30 Sep 08:15

There was a study many years ago involving homosexual contact in English school residences. The women were much more likely than men to have same sex contact - almost a third of the group. But, most of them went on to become very traditional wives and mothers.

It is not uncommon for women have same sex contact. It is, after all, safer than heterosexual intercourse. There is really nothing t be dealt with. It may be a few years before you really know which way to go. Welcome to female adolescence.

Brandye

Posted: 30 Sep 08:16

Hi everybody,

First of all, I am new here, and I would really appreciate it if anybody could help with the below:

I like to do cyber (I am male). I find it very arousing and almost always end up masturbating after and whilst doing it. But it's not women I have been chatting with, it's men.

I find women attractive, but in no way do I find men attractive. Recently, I have really gotten into the idea of having sex with a man. My ulitmate fantasy is for a guy to pleasure my bum with his tongue and fingers whilst I pleasure his cock. A 69 basically.

I am 18, and a virgin. Since leaving school, I have done very little in the way of socialising. I regret that now, and it's something I want to change.

Is it normal to feel this way? I really want to find out what it is like to have sex with a guy. But I like women as well.

Any advice would be great. Thanks.

Schumi

Posted: 01 Oct 22:42

Hi Shumi, and i'll add my welcome to Sexinfo101!

I've read your posts, I kind of have a different take on your bi-sexual feelings.

Having lived the first 30 years of my life in denial about my homosexuality, i feel i have some personal insight on this subject. I know "everyone is different" however, I think there are a few things that stick out in your posts that make want to delve a bit further.

To be blunt, your "fantasies" are much more advanced than most bi-curious guys i have known over the past 25 years. Having been a "married bi man" i dind't even have fantasies of anal sex and rimming - and i was 30 years old! My initial bi fantasies were more oral in nature and just the notion of touching another man was enough to arouse me.

Your declaration of finding women attractive and men not attractive is simply your mind's way of protecting your heterosexuality - ie: it's ok to have sex with a guy, just can't be attracted to him or that makes you gay. Well....thats not true. While being gay or bi is NOT just about sex, clearly, the reality of being bi, gay or str8 does include sex. You saying you don't find men attractive is in the "romantic" sense, correct?

Everyone has their "type" when it comes to sexual fantasy..whats yours? Are the men in your fantasies tall, short, old, young, fat, thin, effeminate, masculine?

Do you masturbate to str8 fantasies as much as gay/bi?

The fact that you are a virgin at 18 isn't really an issue. However, we need to know if you've dated women? Have you kissed women, had any sexual-type contact at all (rubbing her breasts, fingering, etc)?

Don't get me wrong, I'm gay, and tho it took me nearly 35 years to accept who i am, i can still look at many women and find them very sexually attractive - i've even masturbated to str8 porn since coming out (ok, it's the tommy lee and pamela anderson video, and other famous folks home videos..i like seeing famous cock ahahah).

But i don't talk to str8 women online and get aroused by talking to them sexually.

I think, like the ohters have said, you need to experiment and explore your sexuality. but, that also means yo have to let go of statments like "i don't find men attractive at all." Clearly you find them SEXUALLY attractive or you woudn't be aroused by the idea of a man's cock in your ass, or him licking your ass as a part of sex. (it's ok to be open here, we're not a porno site, it's about sharing and education).

You're a young man who's entering the world for the first time. You have to face new challenges..you are loooking to find out who u are and waht you want out of life - that includes sexually.

Don't be afraid. If you're str8, great. If you're gay, great. You may be bi, but i'm one of those kinda guys who belives that being bi is kinda like limbo - it's just a place one waits till he/she either accepts what he/she knows to be true - or chooses denial and lives the rest of his/her life wiht a big secret.

Rawbob

Posted: 01 Oct 22:42

For a while now, I've been realizing that I may be a possibility that I am bi-sexual??? Don't know. I just don't let the public know about it, I keep it in my own privacy as a secret fetish fantasy type of thing. Out in the public, I'm very 100% straight acting, but on the internet, I seem to be getting very turned on by photos of men and enjoying looking at gay porn. I even enjoy crossdressing in my own private fantasy, just dressing up as a woman is very hot and erotic but I would never walk out in the public like that (although I do admit of trying it a few times but I'm afraid I get recognized fast...).

I consider everyone to be "people". I don't see them as a gender, I see both to be "people". I love both male and female. I find men to be beautiful people as well.

I have both guy friends and female friends, they're just friends, we're not going far as "hook 'em up dates" yet. All of my guy friends are "straight" as far as I know of, but you never know, they can always have a private secret of being a little gay too.

In person, I seem to be really enjoying talking to the men and I admit I can be 'sexually' attracted to some of them.

So questions for the gay or bi guys in the boards, I have a few questions:

1. How do you know if a man in person is gay or bi? (what are some good signs to tell...them being very feminish is one way to tell...any others???)
2. What is it like to kiss someone in the same sex?
3. What is it like to give or receive oral and anal sex in the same gender?
4. What is the secret of hooking up with the same sex besides the internet and going to gay bars?

Thanks if someone can answer these. I'm sure oberon and rawbob can answer this quickly.

Greendale

Posted: 02 Oct 20:09

Well lets see if my input as a gay male with a son matters much if at all.

To answer question #1 and this is a hard one. Be serious how many outright gays have you ever met in your life? You said that you are straight acting and with that I bet few if anyone has ever pegged you as being gay, now can you reverse that mirror? For me it's just being myself and I don't get questioned however having a 17 y/o son stacks the odds in the straight direction.
How did I get a son being gay? Short honest answer was trying to be something I could not be but we'll cover that later.

Kissing someone of the same sex. Well this is a matter of opinion but you may feel the "connection" that goes beyond the surface, I call it an electric connection but that is subject to opinion again. In reality it's no diffrent than kissing the opposing sex and both have their merits.

Now you asked for this one from question #3... Only a guy knows what makes another guy really feel good in that we both have the exact same parts, only the intensity differs from one to another and that goes with prefrences and/or remaining parts such as foreskins. How far you choose to go is between you and your partner but my biased opinion is guys know how it really works. Again you and your partner will learn what works where and how.

Finally how can I answer this one. Im not exactly sure as my experience is limited to my best friend and lover of over 25 years! Do the math I'm going on 35 myself. I would say go with your gut feelings but don't expect guys to be lining up or taking a number to meet you. To be honest many gays are very timid knowing how bad they could be hurt by the wrong apple however some are very outgoing from what I have seen in the past so it's almost a toss-up. Guess I would start with some of the quieter settings and see what that gets you, I wouldn't start with the leathers on the first outing unless you want to get into BDSM then again nothing wrong with that.

Guess the shopping is not my strong point given the fact Ive had the same partner since grade school and even though we let each other "window shop" we always come back together and never "screw around". Its very rare that a gay relationship lasts this long however there are many exceptions to any rule, the fact I also raised my son as a single father also defies the rules.
How did I get my kid? 10'th grade trying to prove to a group of so-called friends that I was straight. Goes back to popping a woodie in the school showers when I was a freshman and I had to endure some serious hell, after that I met a girl who at first accepted me being a closeted gay and wanted to be my covergirl. Well we were horny on homecoming night 1986 and snuck out of the football game to try things out. Guess what happened 9 months later. My son was born and she turned away from me because her mother influenced her life to no end. The short of it: that was the best mistake of my life!

Jracer

Posted: 02 Oct 20:09

1. How do you know if a man in person is gay or bi? (what are some good signs to tell...them being very feminish is one way to tell...any others???)

If you assume that all feminine men are gay, you are probably going to get punched. The quickest and most accurate way is just to ask. Of course, this can be an uncomfortable question. Unfortunately, many men are offended by "Are you gay?" and get defensive, abusive and even violent. A more subtle way is to spend some time getting to know the person you are interested in. Pay attention to how they respond to "gay" things. Lots of television shows to choose from out now. "What do you think of that show "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"? could be a way to introduce the topic. Most straight guys don't mind bisexual female porn... if you can work the conversation to that then find out what they think of two guys together.

2. What is it like to kiss someone in the same sex?

Probably the most erotic thing I've ever done. Technically, there really isn't that much difference (and contrary to what anyone might think, I've done both)... depending on the guy. If you kiss a guy with a beard or five o'clock shadow, there'll be no doubt in your mind you're kissing a guy.

3. What is it like to give or receive oral and anal sex in the same gender?

Hmm... how to put this. It's just a more masculine experience. For one thing (and please, ladies, don't be offended), you are with someone who has a pretty good idea of how something feels. You still need to pay attention to the person you are with- everyone's sexual response is a little different- but there is more instinctive connection.

4. What is the secret of hooking up with the same sex besides the internet and going to gay bars?

There are phone lines (sort of like phone personal ads) and, of course, newspaper or periodical personal ads. I don't know where you live, but most major cities have at least one gay bar. Go through that area and find a gay publication. These have ads for just about anything. Just make sure you follow the rules for meeting with someone you don't know. (Meet in a public place, let someone know where you'll be, etc...) Also, be very honest in any ads you place. Remember, if things go well, you are eventually going to meet these people. But also remember, not everyone is honest in these ads (some people have a very high opinion of themselves).

Don't be too quick to write off gay bars either. You have a much better chance of meeting someone you're actually interested in if you can see them first. You don't really need to worry about being seen in one. Lots of straight people come to gay bars (what can I say, we know how to party). Anyone you might see there would also have to explain to you what they were doing there. Also, don't worry about being mobbed... come on to and being unable to get away. I've been to more gay bars than I care to remember and, while I've never had a problem picking someone up, I've never had a problem fending anyone off either. Most will accept a polite, "Not interested". If nothing else works, you can always just walk away.
*****************************************

Fairly important, if you are just looking for sex, make sure that's clear up front. You probably won't have a problem finding someone willing, but you really don't want to mislead someone into thinking you're available for a relationship if you aren't.

Please, don't assume all gay men do drag. I- and many others- never have. Cross-dressing just doesn't appeal to me. Nor is cross-dressing strictly a gay thing. There are also straight guys who cross-dress for fun and profit. If this is a turn on for you, that's great. Just don't think that all gay or bi men are going to find it so.

Finally, all of this is just my opinion and suggestion. Feel free to use or ignore any or all of it.

oberon

Posted: 02 Oct 20:11

Well, it is likely a bit different for us bi- women but here are some observations. Bi-sexuality is believed to be more common than among men. Some studies have given quite large percentages of married women who have outside affairs with other women.

My first heterosexual experience was very well planned, anticipated, worked out and a huge disappointment. With that particular partner, things never got better. My first experience with another woman was quite unexpected and the first time another person had brought me to orgasm. It was the first woman on woman for either of us and, I believe, a surprise to each of us that we could so easily for each other what boys had not been able to do.

Much less pressure to perform and no sense of possibly letting the other down. I will never give up heterosexual contact completely but my primary relationship is another b-- woman. We have rather specific rules and complete trust that they will not be violated. We also live with the constant reality that one of us may fall completely for some guy and that will be the end for us. A risk we are willing to discuss and live with.

Brandye

Posted: 02 Oct 20:11

Thanks for the interesting replies, Brandy and oberon. I liked what I read.

Yes, I do agree with oberon that many "straight" people are going to gay bars these days which is weird. I wonder why straight people go to gay bars? Is it because that there are no other bars in town or "straight" people happen to find "gay" people really cool and fun down to earth people to talk to.

I find gay people very cool to talk to. They are always easy going and a lot of them are fun to talk to. I've been close friends with a few gay guys before but we never gone as far as a serious relationship though.

I get really turned on by both genders.

I've always thought about getting into a gay relationship since I can never find a serious relationship with a female yet.

Being lonely sucks. I've been lonely for years and getting sick of it now. So I figure, hey, why not have a relationship with either gender. I gotta be loved at some point here whether it's a man or woman.

Greendale

Posted: 02 Oct 20:12

It could be because most gay people really aren't judgmental. We know how it feels, and try not to do the same to other people. (Not to mention, we generally play MUCH better music.) I don't think it's "weird" at all that straight people go to gay bars. Here in the states, most straight people in a gay bar are treated like royalty. We genuinely appreciate having them there. The ones that do come to gay bars are there because they want to be there, not because there's no where else to go.

I don't really want to throw cold water on any enthusiasm you have, but don't expect to jump right into things with someone just because you are both guys. You may go out and meet a "Mr. Right" immediately, but most of the time, it takes just as much effort as dating women. If you do find someone with whom there is mutual attraction, sex may be reached more quickly, but the relationship issues are just the same as they are for straight couples... with the added pleasure of not being in a legally recognized partnership, general discrimination and having some segments of society completely look down on you.

oberon

Posted: 02 Oct 20:12

Morning Green, sorry for being tardy, but usually i only post on weekdays (weekends are for me! hahaha)

Let me answer your first few questions and then i'll reply to your followups as Oberon did.

QUESTION 1. How do you know if a man in person is gay or bi? (what are some good signs to tell...them being very feminish is one way to tell...any others???)

MY REPLY: I think you're asking if there is any way YOU can tell if another person is gay - not you. Well, as oberon can attest, there are some gay men who make it VERY CLEAR they are gay. From having gay flags on their cars, to overtly talking to friends and co-workers about their life as a gay man. And while a many may sound, look and act in an effeminate manner, thats not always an automatic. The only real way to know is to strike up a conversation with guys you find attractive and kinda feel them out by how they reply. NOW that does not mean sitting next to a guy at the local deli, and directly asking him - if he's in the closet..he's gonna know how to aswer without giving away his cover. You have to build up some sort of relattionship with the guy so he trusts u enough to let out some subtle hints.

Now, you can save yourself alot of trouble, and hit the gay bars once in a while. You'll see that gay men have a full spectrum of looks, body-characteristics and styles. Thats one way to hone your "gay-dar." But, you have to be secure in your OWN skin to be able to do that...so maybe you should focus as much on who YOU are as opposed to who might be gay or not.

QUESTION 2. What is it like to kiss someone in the same sex?
MY REPLY: Well, as you know, i was married for 12 years, and have a 14 year old son. So i have kissed more than my share of women and now men. I will tell you that the first time i kissed a man, it was a real eye-opener. Now, what i'm about to say is from my personal perspective - not reflective of every gay/bi or str8 person in the world...but i found kissing a man to be ....more passionate. The women i have kissed seem to very much enjoy the softness of kissing. Female skin is much softer to begin with, so when i kissed a man, the lips were a bit less smooth, and of course, the facial hair gave an entire different feeling on my lips.

Kissing to me is a very emotional thing, so it was a key indicator for me as i was exploring my own sexuality after my wife and i separated. So, when i kissed a guy i was dating at teh time for the first few times, it really sent chills down my spine - because it was the first time i came to understand that being gay was not about where i put my penis..but where my heart would be at peace. So, kissing was crucial to my self-acceptance as a gay man. I learned that i would only find inner happiness and love with a man (relationship wise, i still have tons of str8, bi and lesbian gals i kiss hee hee hee).

QUESTION 3. What is it like to give or receive oral and anal sex in the same gender?
MY REPLY: Well, sorry buddy, the only answer to this is - YOU HAVE TO TRY IT! Now, if you're asking was i a bit nervous, and akward the first few times - hell yes. I mean, life dosn't prepare alot of us gay/bi men to be good tops and bottoms or good cocksuckers. And just know this, just like there's GOOD and BAD str8 sex partners..there are GOOD and BAD bi/gay sex partners. So, if your first time is a knockout....and the next time it's a let down....don't automatically think that its YOU.....more than likely its not. But, do yourself a favor..and tell any partner you find that you are NEW and INEXPERIENCED. If you come to trust them and want to engage in some form of sex, it will make it alot better for you then just going to an adult bookstore and seeing if u can "get lucky." And as we always say - PLAY SAFE! Trust me, there's plenty of time to find a life partner (male or female) and have all the bareback sex u want - just always have a condom with you. And ALWAYS talk to a prosepective partner about how important safe sex is - that will help when you get down to business and you'll both be prepared.

Now, i can tell you that for me, the first time i sucked a cock, or felt a cock in my ass that i was in heaven. It felt very natural and normal - kinda like the feeling of putting on your favoriate blue jeans - ya know what i mean? Just felt...right.

Now, afterward, i had to deal with the reality of what i felt and come to grips with it. Remember, i had been married, yada, yada....so i was running face-to-face with the reality that all i had been taught by society might not completely apply to me - sex, relationship and sexual identity-wise. But, i took it one day at a time, and luckily, my first couple of boyfriends were great help and supportive as i grew more comfortable in my own skin. I hope you can find the same.

QUESTION 4. What is the secret of hooking up with the same sex besides the internet and going to gay bars?
MY REPLY: Hell, if i knew the absolute answer to this, i'd be a millionaire! hahahahah
The problem with your question is that i'm not sure if you're asking how to MEET other gay/bi men for frienship...or if you ARE just looking for ways to meet men for sex. Which is it?
If you're lookin for sex, you can go to adult bookstores, gay bathhouses, and cruisy areas. If you're looking for places to go where other gay men might be besides a bar, you should find the local gay paper (i don't know where u live, but even in smaller communities, there are gay magazines and newspapers that will have a listing of social groups and other non-sexual things to do where gay men go and socialize. There are gay bowling leagues, softball leagues, hiking and biking clubs and more. If you're smart, you'll find out where they meet and just be there when they are all there.....trust me...you'll be noticed!

I read a few of the other posts, and they have alot of great points. I'm with oberon, don't give up on the bars, just know that waht and who u see there is not ALL the gay/bi community..but trust me, you can learn alot there!

In closing, don't put too much pressure on yourself in the "who do i see myself with? male or female" question. The key is to be introspective. Look inside and just try and be honest with yourself. As you DO meet gay/bi men, just look inside and listen to your inner voice.

Now, also remember this.....str8 women LOVE GAY MEN! WHy? Because we don't have a sexual dynamic with them. We arne't trying to get in their pants..so many str8 gals become our (fag hag)..i know its crass..but it's just a nickname and hell..who am i to buck a tradition.

My hubby and i have many gal friends and enjoy their company alot. We also have lots of str8 couples and friends we hang with.....so a mix is key.

Just take it slow. Be honest with yourself and as always....practice safe sex if you play!

Rawbob

Posted: 02 Oct 20:13