Here's the deal.
I'm trying to get back in the dating pool. I have avoided this site as of late, just due to ill feelings I have had about my first relationship being a total failure. I'm still friends with the ex, but there were things mentioned and while in the end this should actually leave all things to chance, my ex has decided that he would much rather move on. At this point, I'm not going to hold him back, there's nothing bad I can say about him...things just didn't work period.
Unfortunately, my reluctance about letting him go is also a lot deeper than just keeping him around as an friend...he is my only MALE friend I currently have.
Two weeks ago, I had such a bad nervous breakdown since he finally decided that it would hurt him for us to continue being intimate. He says he wants a healthy relationship and came to the conclusion that ours just wasn't. There are other things that were said, none meant to be offensive or nasty or anything like that, but I took it as that I'm basically losing a male friend in my life.
I've always craved certain male attention (usually from those I consider to be good looking and not creepy), but ever since graduating from high school (co-ed), graduating from college (all girls and a huge mistake on my end overall) and to be honest, I found it easier to talk to men rather than with women due to the backstabbing nature of woman. I'm sorry, I did the all girls college and by the time I graduated, even though I did gain some friends, I ended up feeling rather lonely.
It's been a year since I graduated and of course being the one who graduated during a s#!tty economy (I know I shouldn't curse, but I feel like venting) I have been doing odd jobs, I haven't found anything secure.
So I decided to go back to grad school because I wanted to find out what I could do with my life...that and I just can't stay home or be by myself for too long. Being alone drives me crazy and lately nowadays I just have horrid thoughts.
I took up an offer to go out with a friend who finally convinced me that maybe I should just consider being alone for awhile...what she doesn't know are about my true thoughts...which if I disclosed to anyone, I'm certain would get me sent to a ward or something like that. So I'm scared that I'm going to lose a whole slew of friends if I told them what I was feeling internally
We went out a weekend ago, went clubbing. I don't like clubbing and I feel sorta sad that I don't because I'm in my 20's and I should. I only do so if I'm bored to death and desperate or to grab some drinks which is not often.
I can't stand the men i attract because they are and have always been old (late 30's-late 40's old, foreign and way too touchy feely forcey grabby for my comfort...and in the end, I end up feeling more reluctant and scared to even go clubbing again just because of what I am attracting.
So as you can tell, i'm feeling a lot more discouraged about going out there and trying again when I can't even seem to feel the feelings of intimacy I once shared with my ex.
I know it's not going to be the same or supposed to feel the same, but everything just feels awkward.
What if I'm not capable of giving someone a "healthy relationship?"
Does this mean that maybe I should just settle now and maybe give these older guys a chance?
I feel like if I do this, i'm setting myself up for a trap. Based on the way they touch me in the clubs, i know they don't respect me and therefore, I think I'd risk entering an abusive relationship in the near future. Yet, these are the "things" I attract.
I'm not stupid, but sooner or later the whole lonely route becomes so much more to bear and while I'm not suicidal anymore like I was in the past, nowadays...the thoughts I have have made me sick to the point where there is literally a bitterness in the back of my throat.
I want to start a new relationship, but the men I attract currently are so much less than what I desire
Am I being selfish?
Posted: 08 Oct 22:55