OP: disappointed with the men I'm meeting...

Dating is designed to fail--up to the point where a person finds Mr./Ms. Right. To be successful and to discover or learn what qualities you want in a mate, you have to date lots of people. As the saying goes, if you want to find that one in a million guy, you have to date a million guys. So, rather than finding a warm blooded bloke to cling to, find many in which to learn about what matters to you so that you will be better able to recognize Mr. Right when he comes along. Dating should be an open-ended and ongoing process and not one in which you stop with the first guy who pays attention to you.

Some dates will last thru dinner, others longer, a few will be in your life months, and one or two will be there for the long run, yet all but one will come and go. This is as it should be, so my suggestion is to change how you view dating and embrace the process for how it should be instrumental to you.

There is nothing wrong with dating more than one fellow at a time, either. Explore the possibilities; meaning, learn about the likes, dislikes, goals, ideals, morals, values, temperament, etc. of each in order to learn how these qualities and traits mesh with you and your needs and desires.

If you require help finding men to date, please read the article that discusses this, also.

Relationships are formed when two people, each with a past, decide to join together in order to make a life greater than the sum of its two parts. In the meantime I encourage you to "get a life" independent of men, so that when you do date, you will be a much more interesting person of interest. Do not expect or rely upon a man to complete your character. This is your job. If you have to give up part or all of who you are in order to become half of a partnership the price is too high. Build upon what each of you brings to the relationship.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 08 Oct 22:56

I have read a good amount on dating in the stickies section, especially finding men to date.

However, I am troubled that the stickies don't do enough to address the issue of race and dating.

Sooner or later, I believe that this needs to be addressed based on statistics and cultural issues that may come up.

(This would actually be a worthy topic to go into, I might add.)

I will state though, that it is difficult for a lot of black women, especially within my generation to find someone worthwhile. I'm not saying this as an excuse, but as a hard cold fact of life.

It's not easy when people of color do fuel the stereotype, but then when it comes to people like me who just want to be successful, it gets even more trickier and it's not as simple.

Now I already have a good idea of what I want and need in a male and I'm definitely open to dating anybody.

But realistically, not many people find African-American women attractive, not even African American males nowadays. I got lucky with one who was well educated, that's even tougher to find.

So, while I do appreciate the comments and the advice, there is always going to be this slight issue being an impact when it comes to dating.

I do need to collect more data before making a final decision to address this issue, but based on my personal observations then, I don't know where to go from here and I hope that I am not the only one in this situation.

I can gladly make another thread that deals with this issue strictly because it's seldomly talked about, yet it's an issue that should fairly be discussed on this site.

sensualGoddess

Posted: 08 Oct 22:58

I concur. I'm also trying to get back into the game myself and I don't know where to start either. And you are correct about the race thing. African-American do have a tough time in dating arena and its a shame they aren't getting much love especially since I find them very attractive overall ;)

g-dubz

Posted: 08 Oct 22:58

> Dating is designed to fail--up to the point where a person finds Mr./Ms. Right.

There is a distinct difference between a person failing at something and a (potential) relationship failing.

> To be successful and to discover or learn what qualities you want in a mate, you have to date lots of people. As the saying goes, if you want to find that one in a million guy, you have to date a million guys.

Dating is about "discovery", not "failure". When two people are introduced, decide to go on a date and then perhaps several, these dates are to be learning experiences in which we discover what we like or dislike in the other with regard to what we are looking for in a mate. When one, the other, or both parties decide s/he is not for me--YOU DID NOT FAIL--the relationship did. We then move on to the next candidate in line! and so on until Mr./Ms. Right does come along and everything clicks.

So, my friend, please stop thinking in terms of I failed therefore the budding relationship has failed as a result. What failed was in not having the right ingredients for the recipe so to speak, nothing more.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 08 Oct 22:58

The issue of race? What about the issue of race? If you care, then I suppose you care and what can we say about it that would have the least bit of effect? Nothing! I have 'dated' most "races" - so-called because actually we are all one race - homo sapien sapiens - and the differences are minimal - as far as I was concerned. I didn't marry my husband because he was Caucasian but because he is the man he is. If he had been anything else and still the man he is, I would have married him anyway. Character matters more than anything in a husband.

It seems that your mood swings are of greater importance than your race - does any man want to wake up not knowing "who" she will be today? Perhaps you consider removing the 'excess drama' from yourself before pursuing relationships. Your character matters as much to him as his does to you.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 08 Oct 22:59

I agree with EEK. But I find it sad to read that people actually feel treated differently in the dating-area because of color of skin. Being white as snow myself and as far as my pedigree goes very rooted in Dutch soil, I can't really join this conversation. But personally, I only know of some who deliberately choose to only date people from the same religion and/or cultural background. Which is a free choice.

It would be the question; do you feel treated differently? Or are you treated differently? And if they actually do, do you perhaps let them, secretly thinking it does make a difference? I'm not saying this to make yourself feel guilty. It's just that while we grow up and live in this world, people tend to pick on believes about themselves that we carry along with us subconsciously and let it define us. Even when these believes aren't really good for us. Search yourself and see if your believes deserve to be shaken up and put out with the trash.

SG, I do agree with you that men can be terribly annoying at times. Not too long ago I went through a stage of feeling incredibly sexually charged. And I was enjoying it very much all by me oncy :rolleyes: But every time I was around people, it was like a cold shower. Being ill, I don't get out that much. So don't picture me hanging out in clubs. It was really the simple chats down the isles of the supermarket and such, that I'm usually quite fond of. But those days; the men I talked to, seemed to lose half their brains instantly. It was either the indirect approach of whistling, staring with open mouths, unnecessarily rubbing their ways past me. Or the more direct approach of turning a chat into sexist and disgusting jokes, standing too damn close, putting a hand on my shoulder and casually sliding it down. Not to mention that utterly dumb look in all their eyes. Not a single intelligent word springing from their lips.

I know that there's scientific research that has indicated men act/become more "dumb" around an attractive female. I know it had something to do with me oozing sexuality that created this cause&effect. I felt different, so even on the most subtle levels; I must have acted differently. I've found no way to work around that at the time. So I just accepted it was so for the time being. And I made my own luck to get myself a treat; looking on the shelves of the adult-store instead ;)

Satisfying sexual cravings is one thing. You seem to be speaking of something else; friendship, companionship. As far as finding yourself male company; Though I've not been trotting about this earth for that long and can't pretend I have all the wisdom, I can honestly say that new friends come when you were least looking for them. When you're simply enjoying yourself and feeling relaxed. Not needing company, but not closed up inside yourself either, just welcoming and open. Not hoping for anything to get in return from that smile and a simple hello you just sent to another person. And suddenly; you're chatting the evening away! :) I've recently made myself a new friend in that way. So I couldn't agree more with Brandye to find yourself a place that you like being. And most of all; like being you! This may be cliche, but you're worth it! :)

RedRoses

Posted: 08 Oct 22:59

I never thought of race being an issue until recently.

I grew up in a surburban area and to be honest, up until I met my ex, my preference was with the Caucasian set, not knowing at the time that race ever played an issue.

I went to a really big high school which had about 600 students per grade set, so realistically I must have been basically through about 50-75 boys within the district...and we're just talking about the infatuation stages, crushes etc.

I wish that there's still a part of me that was oblivious and naive about race being an issue, believe me I do.

But when the typical average teenager goes through about anywhere from 1-15 relationship during middle school and high school, it's stuff like that that makes me think...well what is wrong with me that people wouldn't even give me the time of day to get to know what I'm really like?

As far as my past is concerned, I don't recall much nowadays and if I endured any type of bullying, it was definitely mild at best....I don't recall being made fun of about my race...at least not directly, but I definitely got the "weird", "annoying" labels. And if I didn't know any better, back in the 3rd grade, we had the principal come in to talk to us about several things and issues...one of them being harassment...not sure if sexual harassment was in the discussion but i had a funny feeling then that this was done because many boys complained about me back then.

And I do remember being I guess being kind of forceful, rigorous and flirty around the age of 5 or 6...but then again...i was too young to really know any better and my home life was just so strict...all I wanted to do was feel happy during that time

Like I said, I'm not extremely picky with the men I would want in my life, but I don't even think that I trust myself to make a better decision the second time around if I do end up with somebody.

sensualGoddess

Posted: 08 Oct 22:59

i really do hope that my racial background was never an issue...I know to some it probably was, but hope it was not a serious issue that I'd never be considered to be "dateable"...

Was trying to find this thread to address lingering issues and a new question came up of which I need an honest opinion on.

First of, since the last time I posted on this subject, there's been a lot happening. My dating life has taken a back seat due to the possibility that I may have a mental illness.

I started up therapy yet again for the third time and unlike the first two times I let out a lot more than I normally would

I am nervous about seeking diagnoses (mostly in the anxiety and depression areas) and I am getting overwhelming support from my friends, but not my family.

This being said here are questions I have

Is it possible that anyone with a mental illness can or should even be in a relationship?

Second question, can masturbation like any other activity become an addiction?

Thanks, will update soon, I'm not on this site as frequently due to grad school.

sensualGoddess

Posted: 08 Oct 23:00

As for the mental illnesses, I see no concern about that. I've always "hated" society and it's poor views on mental illness. A large swath of mental illnesses can be attributed to improper chemicals and/or balances of these in the brain. Something horrible happens, and you're sad too long, and your brain rewires itself to reflect that and bam you have depression. If you had regular illness, or a broken arm, or 6 toes on one foot, you wouldn't shy away from dating right?

Before any in the medical community criticize me I just want to say I know I 'm way over generalizing this. But I just don't see treatable mental problems as an issue. Now obviously if you were dangerous because of them, that's totally different. If you decide to become an axe murderer, please go check yourself into somewhere before heading off to Home Depot. :)

But you're not. Anxiety and depression are very common. I've been depressed. I've lost both my parents, way too young for me to at that. But it's something you can work through. These things will take time, but I believe you'll be fine.

As for the dating, obviously from my above comments you know my answer will be go for it! I mean, if you feel it necessary you can always let the people know, but as I said anxiety and depression are pretty common. Odds are some guy you find may have a slight case of it, just never bothered to fix it.

Firmus

Posted: 08 Oct 23:00

I have a psychiatrist friend who swears we each make a choice between being a psychopath or a sociopath. Ergo, we all have some form of mental illness. And, most of us do all right in healthy relationships. You may have seen my response to a young man denying the issue of his g/f's bipolar disorder. I encouraged him to move on for the specific reasons I stated. That does not mean a mature, controlled bipolar individual cannot be in a healthy relationship. His g/f was neither mature nor controlled and had the learned the tricks of manipulation that go with that problem.

Talk it out with whomever you are seeing for therapy. There are some times in life when major decisions should not be made but that does not mean you cannot be dating. If mental health is a prerequisite for happiness, we are all in trouble. I agree that this need not be an issue.

The functional definition I have often used for an addiction is that a person's need for it interferes with normal relationships or life's functions. Nothing wrong with pleasing yourself as often as you wish until you start refusing dates to stay home with your vibrator.

Brandye

Posted: 08 Oct 23:00

Reconfirmed for ADHD (just the attention deficit part...not surprised)
Also confirmed for anxiety attacks, panic attacks, depression and petit mal seizures (one recently suspected but was clumped together with ADHD.)

My therapy sessions recently ended. So here's some good news...

For these things, it's usually recommended that a person like me goes on medications, however, after reading the side effects and knowing what happened the last time I was on meds for ADHD (which did not work, it made things so much worse..) I turned to essential oils...which have actually been working so much more. I could go into a story about how EO's have helped me, but that's for another time.

Oh yeah, going to a gym and having a fitness trainer has also helped a lot as well, so I guess we will see how everything goes from here.
So, this kinda went for an odd turn and I mentioned it in passing as a question, but since I still have an apprehension about indulging in sex, after talking it over with a female friend of mine, we decided to do some experimentation on our own. I really hope this isn't weird or anything like that.

Part of the reason why we came to this conclusion was because we are still both in our similar situations and we found it to be easier at this point that we just experiment on each other for the time being.

We both know we are straight, so no emotional issues or anyone catching feelings should happen.

Even if we are using each other as replacements for men, we are both beyond curious right now.

I do think overall I am in a much better place than I was a long while back ago and I'm not stressing as much over general issues. It feels kinda nice actually.

Although I do feel that this is definitely a side step personally for me, we came to a mutual agreement on this...so I guess I'm a bit antsy about the outcome, but at this point we are seeing where this leads us.

sensualGoddess

Posted: 08 Oct 23:00

To learn about your respective sexualities?
To learn how to pleasure yourself and each other more effectively?
-and as a result to know what to ask for from men in future relationships?
To simply give and receive in order to have a higher high when it comes to what would ordinarily be a masturbation session?
Other?

What the two of you are doing with and for each other is not common, yet, having sex with a friend of the same gender is not unheard of, either. Post pubescent boys sometimes get together as a group and engage in sex games such as seeing whose penis/testicles are the largest when erect/smallest when flaccid; who can cum in the shortest amount of time {the quickest); who can "shoot" the greatest distance; who has the most volume. In a group we might discover that testicles do vary in size! Either on our own {self exploration) or from group activities, we discover that the scrotum varies in size due to the ambient or surrounding temperature. (When the ambient temperature is cool/cold, the sack hugs the body, when warm/hot, it enlarges and dangles away from the body.) Usually these curiosities about ourselves and each other last a short time and then we move on to other interests; although, it is not uncommon in the post pubescent years to engage in mutual masturbation sessions just for the fun of it as well as the need to relieve stress and tension. These sessions can sometimes expand from mutual masturbation in the beginning into pleasuring each other and learning what types of stimulation each person likes and how to best accomplish all this--all without necessarily a thought to whether one or both are Straight, Bi-, Bi-curious, or Gay. For me, this experimentation came during my college years with a roommate. In the beginning it was simply playful experimentation, yet sometime later I made the determination that I was Bi-sexual after noting my attraction to some men as well as females.

I have not read any statistics regarding the sexual practices of the gentler gender, although, my gut feeling is that experimentation {early on &/or in later years) does occur yet much less frequently. Personally, I think any of this is a good thing and nothing at all to be ashamed of. Whether there is an emotional connection or just a FWB arrangement, these sessions are more intense than the results from self pleasuring; occur more frequently than masturbation; and, help women/girls learn about their body as well as how best to acquire pleasure.

So, for as long as your playfulness serves a purpose and is mutually beneficial, continue to continue on. No harm, no foul.

Does anybody on the sidelines reading this want to chime in with additional thoughts, or to agree or disagree?

-doc

dancingdoc2

Posted: 08 Oct 23:01

OK, you are experimenting bisexually. The last data I saw on that was that over thirty percent of us do. In the last few decades there has been an increase in divorces by women who "discover" that they prefer other women. In the old "public" schools (actually private pay, residential)for women in the UK, it has been estimated that same sex play was over fifty percent. The data are becoming powerful that male homosexuality is genetically determined in most cases. Similar data are less powerful for women. As for bisexuality in women, I recently was guinea pig for a team of psychiatrists. Because I prefer women as lovers but still want some penis time, they concluded that I was likely a heterosexual woman who had learned that women can be quite good at satisfying one another. All of my erotic dreams and most of my masturbatory fantasy involve males. I still think women are better lovers.

Outcome? Who knows? You will be having no children; if you each want a little heterosexual activity that will have to be negotiated. My longest term woman lover decided she wanted to become married, (again) and we went our separate ways. We had agreed up front that that was a possibility in either of us. The bastard backed out on her and I have had no similar urges. My present "partner" and I have a similar agreement to not stand in the other's way.

So what is normal? Who knows? I have spent part of my life as a lesbian; part, as a straight woman becoming engaged; most of my forty years of sexual activity has been as a bi-sexual woman. On the path I have met many actively bisexual women. We tend not to be promiscuous but are more open than most about their sex lives. On the other hand, one night stands at professional conferences or similar are not unknown. There are many more of us than most straight people realize.

Brandye

Posted: 08 Oct 23:01

DD2, basically all of the above.

Things took an unexpected turn in the last few days actually. I had been talking to a male friend that I haven't heard from in 5 years...and now we're talking about experimentation. I just realized that I have been feeling very comfortable and secure with speaking to him about what I desire, so we will see where everything goes at this point.

I think, I'm definitely bi-curious at this point. Going to an all girl's school, the closest I got to same sex experimentation was with a roommate. After our classes, we just kinda decided to be in the same room with each other while using our individual vibrators to get us to climax.

I accept the fact that I may enjoy group sex. The idea of it doesn't make me feel uncomfortable.

sensualGoddess

Posted: 08 Oct 23:01