11 years in, realizing there is no spark [m]
Hi All,
I've been married for 11 yrs to a beautiful, smart, intelligent woman. A few events in the past 6 months have caused me to re-evaluate my life.
Part of this reflection has been our relationship. I have been miserable for some years as my wife can be very controlling, stubborn and manipulative. I had previously blamed myself. Sexually, our relationship has always been a bit awkward. My wife came from a very religious family. I had attempted several times, unsuccessfully, to see a councilor with her. After talking to some family members, and finally talking to a councilor, I sat my wife down and explained what I have been feeling. This time I was at the point of leaving... she finally agreed to councilling.
Fast forward a few counciling sessions, the sex question comes up. We have sex, its ok but I'm .... shall we say "adventurous" and she is vanilla. It comes out that we both don't feel any spark... we never have. I have felt it with previous partners but not with my wife.
The councilor says that we can work on it.... I'm not so sure. I've done some research and there is differing professional opinions. So my question, if there was never any spark, can there ever be?? I'd appreciate any advice/feed back.
Gibbo
Replies:
My personal experience and general observations are that if there was never a spark there never will be a spark. The destiny for these couples is being best friends at best. "Chemistry" is what binds two people; no chemistry, no intimate connection. This is not unlike loving a person yet not being in love with the person. The difference is significant.
dancingdoc2
Well, you married a religiously inculcated woman who has certain ideas regarding men and sex. She has the "good girls don't" firmly in her brain and there's nothing you can do, now, to change that. She expects you to all the running and to do all the work because that's what she's been taught and that's what all of her experience, thus far, has confirmed. She may very well not have any sexual fantasies. Sex isn't something she thinks about becuase sex isn't important to her. That may be difficult for men to understand. For some women sex is just sex and she'd much prefer having a V8 thanks.
The sad truth is that you cannot change another person. People can only change themselves.
Your choices therefore are:
1. divorce
2. seek permission to get yourself a mistress
3. live with your marriage as it is
4. get yourself a mistress w/o seeking permission to do so
EvilEvilKitten
Although I am a believer in the concept of a "spark" between partners, that 'chemistry' thing that makes you go ga-ga, I also believe that sparks can (and do) came and go, go out and can be rekindled. I married my best friend, and our original spark was spiritual and intellectual. The emotional connection developed over a few more years, and then we decided maybe we were "in love", and we should sleep together. It took us some time to figure out how to translate our intense spiritual and intellectual connection to the physical/sexual realm. We did ignite that spark, and we took great joys in one another, physically and sexually, but it took constant tending so it would not go out.
When we would get too involved with our careers or our children, our spark would, inevitably, falter and sputter. We were always able to reignite it, however. One thing that helped us both in lighting that fire of desire was to idealize one another. You claim your wife is beautiful and intelligent. When I am in the company of a beautiful and intelligent woman, I get excited. Wouldn't anyone? Small appreciations go a long way. My wife used to, on occasion, if I was ascending the stairs in front of her, grab my butt and compliment it, "Mmmmm, nice cheeks (squeeze, squeeze), yummy!" Or, when she was cooking dinner, I'd occasionally dance into the kitchen, take her in my arms and twirl her around a few steps before depositing her back to the stove.
She began to do the same to me when I was cooking dinner--it became a ritual of mutual appreciation of one anothers' presence in life, and an on-going reminder that our spark required tending to stay lit.
I guess I'm saying, don't give it all up so easily, maybe there is joyousness to be salvaged from this.
Michael
mikkiji
@ Evil - I have come to the same conclusions u have. As for the options, they basically what I concluded::
1. Maybe, I'll give counciling a few months.
2. She wouldn't agree to that.
3. Maybe, see 1.
4. Have considered it, Dunno if i'd handle the "guilt" w/o permission.
@ lulu....Sorry to hear that. I'm finding this to be more common than I though.
Gibbo
Oh it is entirely too common. Haven't you read around the forum yet?
Time for you guys to start marrying the sluts instead of the virgins.
Yeah she may have a past but you would have a future with sex in it instead of living with a person who got far too good at saying NO.
EvilEvilKitten
Sigh....So, maybe I need to start a thread on time travel... should have married that slutty model. :l
Gibbo
i'm not claiming i know everything, but this happened to me on accident and it changed a lot, and before that i tryed to talk about it and be gentle a lot of times :s sometimes someone is to prohibited by various reasons like religion or insecurity etc. and then a little shock can open their eyes, that's all i was trying to point out.
milocool
@ Milo - i've tried the fantasy thing. She says she doesn't have any .... or at least won't admit to having them. She has only got really horny like 5 or 6 times in 11 yrs.... & I spend a lot of time setting the moodetc. I give her orgasms most times we have sex (i like to play n munch as much as having sex). We have rough sex occasionally, which she likes. But sex is always about her, nothing I do is reciprocated. She doesn't, tease, flirt...anything. And if she does play with me it feels like she's trying yp skin a sausage... I have gently tried to discuss it so many times.. her view is the guys are turned on visually and she shouldn't have to do anything... end quote. She doesn't even wear lingerie because "thats what sluts n porn stars wear. Not that she have ever watched porn. So u can see my frustration...
@ Kitten... not exactly, I said I was also at the point and had considered it because I was so frustrated... if I left just because of sex I'd feel like a complete prick.... but when is enough enough? And sex isn't the sole issue.
Gibbo
And sex isn't the sole issue
The above would seem to be a telling comment.
As for the religious angle, the women I have known who remained virgins until marriage didn't do so just because they have remarkable virtue. They were able to do it because they are somewhat asexual.
I grew up in a very religious environment and dated girls like this, but ultimately I wised up and moved onto date a girl with a more normal sexual history. So naturally, we got married and then she completely lost interest in sex. Sometimes you're F'ed no matter what you do! :D
ua322