A Galaxian-style shooter. Move along the bottom of the screen and shoot down the egg formation while it swoops and dives at you. Catching power-ups upgrades your gun.

An Asteroids-style shooter. Fly around the screen blasting egg cells, which split into smaller cells until they're cleared. Blue pills upgrade your gun.

A Missile Command-style shooter. Dicks fall from the sky toward the women at the bottom; tap anywhere to shoot them down before they land. Ammo is limited, so aim carefully.

A Q*bert-style game. Hop around the pyramid to light every cube while avoiding the snake and the bouncing balls. Fall off the edge and you lose a life.

Why did the cock cross the road? Hop forever through traffic, train lines and rivers - ride the pool floats, dodge everything else, and don't let the world scroll past you. Distance is glory.

Frogger, biologically. One sperm, five eggs: hop through lanes of snipping scissors, condom packets and the dreaded IUD, ride the logs across the current, and settle every egg before the clock runs out.

Pac-Man, haunted. Eat every little blue pill in the maze while your four exes chase you through the corridors - then grab a big pill, watch them blanch, and chomp them right back. Being ghosted was never this literal.

A 1942-style scrolling shooter. Fly your cock over the bedscape and gun down squadrons of rival cocks from Time Cock's eras - corset trains, drunk disco shooters, censor-bar dive bombers - then face Performance Anxiety itself every fourth wave.

Flappy Bird, anatomically. One button: pump to stay airborne and thread the gaps between zipper teeth - the oldest enemy a cock has ever known. Touch anything and the run goes limp.

Time Pilot, through the eras of sexual history. Bank through an endless sky fighting a century of rival cocks - every decade dressed in its own colours, flying its own way - summon each era's mothership, grab the perks parachuting by, and warp forward in time.