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OP: Pickup lines... they crack me up

Add yours to this! Some of these are ****ing hilarious! Also, let us know if anyone has ever used one of these on you!

I'll give you a nickel if you tickle my pickle.

I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest lady on earth tonight.

There's just one thing your eyes haven't told me yet....you're name.

Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

What time do you have to be back in heaven?

Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?

You are like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.

You are so beautiful that I want to be reincarnated as your child so that I can breastfed by you until I'm 20.

You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

You must be a high jumper, because you make my bar raise!

You're like milk, I just wanna make you part of my complete breakfast.

(Use index finger to call someone over then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.

A women asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You: "Do you have the energy?"

Are you free tonight or will it cost me?

At the office copy machine "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?"

Baby, I'm an American Express lover.... you shouldn't go home without me!

Brrr! My hands are cold. Can I warm them in your heaving breasts?

Can I flirt with you?

Can I please be your slave tonight?

Can I see your tan lines?

Can you believe that just a few hours ago we'd never even been to bed together?

Cold out isn't it? (staring at breasts)

Congratulations! You've been voted "Most Beautiful Girl In This Room" and the grand prize is a night with me!

Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) 'Cause I could see myself in your pants.

Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job? No! D'ya wanna do lunch?

Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.

Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly color coordinated.

Do you like short love affairs? I hate them. I've got all weekend.

Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?

Do you spit or swallow?

Do you wash your panties with Windex? Because I can really see myself in them.

Ever tried those weird prickly condoms?

Excuse me, ma'am, is that dress felt? Would you like it to be?

Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers? No. Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.

Go up to a girl in a bar, and slip your arm around her, and say, "Hi Laura!" She says, "I'm not Laura!" And you say, as your hand slips a little lower, "But you sure feel like her!"

Ask: "Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?" (No.) Wink.

God must have been in a very good mood the day we met.

Have you ever played leap frog naked ??

Help the homeless. Take me home with you.

Here's a quarter....call your roommate and tell her you won't be coming home tonight.

Hey baby, are you a glover? NO? Well, I am, wanna wear me?

Hey baby, let's play house, you can be the door and I'll slam you!

Hey! Ya wanna try out my new 'Home Artificial Insemination Kit?'

Hi, I need your help! My mom says that if I don't get a date by tomorrow, she's putting me up for adoption.

Hi, I'm new to this country and you are the prettiest sight I've see so far. Can you give me a tour of your body?

Hi, my name is "Milk." I'll do your body good.

Hi. Are you legal?

Hi. You'll do.

How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?

How do you like your eggs cooked? Why? Well I just wanted know what to make for you in the morning!

I had a friend who used to hand out phone cards that said: "Smile if you want to sleep with me." And watch them try to hold back their laughter.

I had a wet dream about you last night. Would you like to make it a reality?

I like your butt, can I wear it as a hat?

I think I could fall madly in bed with you.

I wanna floss with your pubic hair.

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

I wonder what our children will look like.

I would kill or die to make love with you.

I would say that I'm in love with you, but you'd think I'm trying to pull a fast one.

I'd like to name a multiple orgasm after you.

I'd look good on you.

I'll cook you dinner if you cook me breakfast.

I'm an organ donor, need anything?

I'm Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?

I'm leaving this place. Do you want to come?

I've got a condom with your name on it.

I've got a pimple on my butt, wanna see it?

I've got the ship, you've got the harbor...what say we tie up for the night?

If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me?

If I was Elvis, would you screw me?

If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

If your right leg was Christmas and your left leg was Easter, would you let me spend some time up between the holidays?

Is that a tic-tac in your shirt pocket or are you just glad to see me?

Let's have a party and invite your pants to come on down.

Lie down. I think I love you.

Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?

Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum."

Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!

Pardon me, but are you a screamer or a moaner?

Picture this, you, me, bubble baths, and a bottle of champagne.

Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?

Sit on my face and let me get to 'nose' you better?

Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us.

So, come back to my place, and if you don't like it I swear I'll give you a full refund.

So, what are the chances that we can engage in anything more than just conversation?

That dress looks great on you... as a matter of fact, so would I.

That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed.

That shirt's very becoming on you. If I were on you, I'd be coming too.

That's a nice shirt, it would go great with my floor.

That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?

There are 265 bones in the human body. How would you like one more?

There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

Those are nice jeans, do you think I could get in them?

Uh, oh. My parents met at a place like this. Let's get the hell out of here.

Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh.

Want to come into the garden see my big hard cucumbers?

Wasn't I supposed to eat you somewhere?

What do you like for breakfast?

When she asks, for a match. How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?

Which is easier? You getting into those tight pants or getting you out of them?

Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

Why don't you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight?

Will you marry me for just one night?

Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?

Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?

Would you like to have morning coffee with me?

Would you please come home with me and tie me up...

Ya know, my mother would just love you if I brought you to my place tonight and then to her place tomorrow.

You have pretty eyeballs. Of course they'd be better if they were eyeing my pretty balls.

You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my nightstand.

You know, I've always wanted to sleep with you.

You smell wet. Let's Party.

You're good at math right? Is 69 a perfect square?

Your legs look cold. Do you want me to warm them up?

Hey baby...mind if I take my pants off?

I love you, you know.

Hey, kitten. How about spending some of your nine lives with me?

If I let you suck on my tongue would you be grateful?

Have you ever played "Spank the brunette"? Want to try?

Are those lumber jack pants your wearing? They are giving me a wood.

Do you like whales? Well I have a hump-back at my place.

Girl, yo' so fine, I wish I could plant you and grow a hole filed of you!

Cherry Cheesecake

Posted: 04 Oct 00:26

Replies:

You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you.

Is your last name Gillette, it must be because you are the best a man can get.

I have a six inch tongue and I can breath through my ears.

Hey baby, as long as I have a face, you'll have a place to sit.

Hi. Can I domesticate you?

Hey baby there's a party in my pants and you are invited!

Can I walk through your bushes and climb your mountains?

If you were a car, I wax you and ride you all over town.

Your belt looks extremely tight. Let me loosen it for you.

Hey I'm looking for treasure, Can I look around your chest?

"Excuse me, but you dropped something back there" Woman: "What's that?" You: "This conversation, lets pick it up later tonight."

I've been a bad boy/ girl,so spank me!

Say Baby do you mind if I hangout on your stomach for a half an hour or so?

I'm a freelance gynecologist. How long has it been since your last checkup?

Yeah, it's big and if you pet it, it spits

Excuse me, do you have any Benedryl? No why? Because every time I look at you I have swelling "down there"

Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?

Let's let only latex stand between our love.

(Walk up to a girl and lick two fingers and place them near her crotch. Then place the fingers back in your mouth and say . . . ) I know you!

So baby, do you see why the girls call me tri-pod?

Um...I need a little help with my Calculus, can you integrate my natural log?

There are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like to mount.

Do you like chips? Because if you are "Frito Lay" than I am a barrel of fun!

I heard your ankles were having a party... want to invite your pants down?

Come over here and get a taste of America's Most Wanted.

Hi. My name is Laura. I'll be your play toy tonight.

Did you know that I saved a girl's life last night? (No.) I pulled a 6 inch piece of meat out of her mouth to save her life. Can I save your life?

You know how some men buy really expensive cars to make up for certain, well, shortages? Well, I don't even own a car.

Do you mind if I end this sentence in a proposition?

How do you like your eggs in the morning? Fertilized?

Hey babe- pretend my pants is France and invade them.

Are you a virgin? (No.) Prove it!

Hey baby, I'd like to herd by cattle in your fertile valley.

Hi. I'm a dog and I need to bury my bone.

Lets skip all the bull-**** lose our inhibitions and DO what we really came here to do.

You bring a whole new meaning to the word, "edible."

Hi, I'm the new Milkman. Do you want it in the front or the back?

Hi, sorry I don't have an opening line but since you have an opening and I have a line. . .

What'll you say we make like Winnie-the-poo and I can get my nose stuck in your honey jar.

Do you wanna box? [Yes.] Well, get on your hands and knees and give me two blows to the head.

Pick a number between 1 and 10. **** you lose now take off your clothes.

Want to play lion tamer? You could get on all fours and I'll put my head in your mouth.

What is your first name? Hmm, that goes kinda well with my last name. (switch if female asking a male)

If I was a watermelon, would you spit or swallow my seed?

(wiping your face), Oh I'm sorry, (wiping your face), let me clear a place for you to sit!

Hey I see your wearing clothes, I'm wearing clothes, you know we have something in common we should get together and do something sometime.

Is your boyfriend/girlfriend here? Is s/he on the roof? (No.) Then let's go to the roof!

Wanna play "kite"? I lay down, you blow and we'll see how high you can make me.

My bedroom has a very interesting ceiling. . .

I'm easy, but it looks like you are hard.

Do you have room in your life for another friend?

Nice pants, can I test the zipper?

Are you going to kiss me or do I have to lie to my diary?

Do you believe in the hereafter? Then you know what I'm here after.

If I were to borrow your glasses, could I see you home?

Could you tell me where they keep the rutabagas? Oh, thanks. Oh, by the way, what is a rutabaga?

I think that we might be related. Let me check for the family birthmark on your chest.

I wanna take out your pencil and stick it in my pencil case.

I wanna take out your golf clubs and score a HOLE in 1.

If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep in until the afternoon.

Hi. I'm horny.

Excuse me, but you've got a Wild Blocost on your shoulder! (What's a Wild Blocost?) How much do ya got?

You know, I wanna go inside your wine cabinet and pull myself out a stiff one.

You look like my type: nice hair, beautiful eyes, amazing body, but there is still just one problem: your clothing. (What's wrong with my clothing?) They're still on.

(Look down at the crotch) It's not just going to suck itself.

So, are you going to give me your phone number, or am I going to have to stalk you?

I'm a writer, you're a writer, how about we get naked together and put some poetry in motion?

Hi. I'm like a tropical island: hot, wet, and waiting for tourists.

Are you cold? Let me be your electric blacket. Just plug me in and I'll make you feel nice and toasty inside and out.

(Hold up a screw) Wanna screw?

Do you want to come over to my place and feed your beaver some wood?

Champaine can be tickly, and so can I.

You know how your hair would look really good? [No.] In my lap.

If I jumped on your back, would you beat me off?

Do you remember me from the other night? Probably not, because we really hit it off.

Do you believe in Santa Claus? Do you think that if I am good this year, he'll put you in my stocking this year?

You know what they say about guys with big hands. [What] Big latex.

How can I love you if you won't lay down?

[What are you doing?] I'm taking off my shoes. [Why?] So I can take off my pants.

If I were the king, and you were the queen, in the cosmic game of chess, would you mate with me?

My cat has lovely fur. Can I see yours?

Do you like anyone else in here? Well, I guess you are stuck with me.

Excuse me miss... Do you have a cigarette? Actually, I don't want one, I just wanted to start a conversation with you.

You like sleeping? Me too! We should do it together sometime.

What do you think of Bill Clinton? (Answer...) Yeah, me too, but I try not to follow that stuff regarding Bill, Hilliary, or Monica. Want a cigar?

Damn, I know you are not on four legs, but you look faster than a cheetah.

You're on my list of things to do tonight.

"I have this magic watch that can actually talk to me. Seriously, it's saying something right now." Put ear to watch. "It says that you're not wearing any underwear, is that true?." [No.] "Oh..." Tap watch a few times. "That's the problem... my watch is an hour fast!"

Do you want to go swimming? Damn, there isn't a pool around... But my sheets are blue?

Hi, I'm the reincarnated soul of Tai-Pong, once a starved, nude Buddhist monk. All that isolation is getting to me. Want to get down on your knees and pray?

Come on. We're leaving.

The name is Reese, and you're lookin like someone that would suck on my piece.

(Holding your nuts) Do you want "2 CDs" (see these) for a dollar?

Does God know you've escaped from Heaven? Here, come with me to my place. You can stay there until he calls looking for you.

Look at my lips and your lips. They want to massage each other.

Have you ever seen Buttman's Between the Cheeks?" No, well let me demonstrate.

re you cold? You look like you could use some hot chocolate... Well, here I am!

What's your name? That's a beautiful name. Can I ask you one single, impulsive question? Are you in love at the present moment? I'm not the type of guy to impede on another man's happiness but if the answer is "No" I'd like to continue with my rhapsody. Has anybody ever told you that you glide? (What?) It's a very special quality, every other girl in this place merely plods along but you glide, girls who glide need guys who make them "thump." (What's thump?) You think about him, you can't eat, you can't sleep, you watch the phone waiting for it to ring. Girls who glide need guys who make them "thump," I can make you "thump." Have dinner with me.

I know I can't have your cherry, but can I get the box it came in?

If you think Chewbacca is hairy, wait till you see my Wookie.

Hello, can I offer you eight inches of strength and sensitivity?

Are you anorexic? Oh, OK, then I'll understand if you spit.

Do you work at Subway? Cause you just have me a footlong.

Do you want to see the soles of your feet in the wing mirrors in my car?

Baby, I wanna take my extention cord and stick it all the way into your electrical outlet.

You have beautiful hair. But it could be better. (How?) If it were spread over my pillow.

Wanna feed my beaver some wood?

Hello, I may have just met you but I feel like I have known you all my life and I love you, what hotel room should I reserve?

Hi, do you dissect insects for scientific research? (No, why?) I thought you might want to look inside my fly.

I'm sterile.

I'll make you shiver when I deliver.

Hello, well-formed Homo sapien specimen. Would you care to depart with me towards my domiciliary residence and observe a documentary of the ontogenesis of another Homo sapien individual just prior to fertilization?

Wanna get down with me like four flat tires?

Did I mention that I'm the only person in the Guiness Book of World's Records actually able to suck a golf ball through a garden hose?

If you were camping and woke up with a used condom inside you, would you tell anyone? (No) Wanna go Camping?

Let's have a party in your shoes, and then invite your pants.

I'm hungry and I'm on a liquid diet.

I can play the 1812 Overture on a touchtone phone with my tongue.

Hey. Do you have that Hawiian Disease? What? "Comeoniwannalayya".

Cherry Cheesecake

Posted: 04 Oct 00:27


I'm invisible. (Really?) Can you see me? (Yes) How about tomorrow night?

Do you like jigsaw puzzles? Let's go to my room and put our pieces together.

You, me, handcuffs, and whipped cream: interested?

Lets play "Titanic." When I say "Iceburg!" you do down.

What is long and hard, and right behind you?

You remind me of a Twinky: Every time I bite into you, you cream in my mouth."

If I were to send you flowers... No wait, let me rephrase: If I were to let you such on my tongue, would you be grateful?

Baby, I would do more things to you than MacGyver in a "Do-It-Yourself Shop".

I'm like Domino's Pizza: if you don't cum in 30 minutes, the next one is free.

I'm a vegetarian but I'd make an exception for your meat!

Smile. It is the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Puffs can guarantee a good blow. Can you?

Hey, do you exercise? Can I be your thighmaster?

I'm addicted to yes, and I'm allergic to no. So what's it gonna be?

Have you ever been hunting before? (No.) Well then how about you come up to my cabin with me this weekend and I can teach you how to stuff a beaver.

I hear there's a major problem with deforestation in the world today. Why don't we put together your chest and my nuts, and help save the world?

This condem (holding in hand) has your name written on it.

Save a horse, Ride a cowboy.

My vagina is a garden, want to shovel me out?

Dont you think most people who use pickup lines are dipsticks? (Yup) In that case mind if I check your oil level?

Excuse me, ma'am, but I've been over by the bar running some numbers, and I believe that through combining our genes, we could create a faster, stronger, smarter super-soldier for our country. Now, there remains only one way to actually create this super-soldier, but in this time of national emergency, we have all been called upon to exert ourselves to new heights. Therefore, not for me, but for America, the cause of freedom calls upon you to go home with me tonight.

Like the hurricane said to the coconut tree; hold on to your nuts I'm gonna give you the blow of your life.

If you woke up in the woods with a condom in your ass would you tell anybody? Wanna go camping?

You should join the circus.(Why?) So you can learn to juggle my balls all day.

(Blow a kiss and miss on purpose) Oops, I guess I missed, wanna try again, but a little closer?

Who wants a mustache ride?

My name is Haywood. Haywood Jablome(?).

Are you a horse? (No) Can I ride you anyway?

Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.

You know, I do sleep well with others...

Hi, my name is Laura. I don't have a gag reflex.

Can I add a branch to your family tree?

Do I know you? (No.) That's a shame, I'd sure like to.

What time do you get off? Can I watch?

Been to India? I'll get it India.

Do you know anything about real estate? (Grab crotch or breasts) I was just wondering if you could tell me if this is a lot.

I'm on top of things. Would you like to be one of them?

Would you like to actively engage in mock procreation?

Excuse me, I was wondering if you could help me? See,I'm trying to find someone. (Who?) Any girl/guy who'll sleep with me.

I have a job for you.... but it blows...

You should stop drinking! (Why?) Because you are driving me home.

Are you a god? (Um, no.) You're not? Then why do I want to kneel before you?

I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Are your knees dirty? I don't want to get my floor dirty.

I just got this tan in Hawai'i. Why don't you call me when you want some of this tan to rub off on you.

OH GOD! OH GOD! Just practicing.

Trust me. It will only seem kinky the first time.

You know, Dr. Phil says I'm afraid of commitment...Want to help prove him wrong?

In another life I think we dated and I dumped you. But I'm thinking that that was a mistake, and now is your second chance!

Soccer players can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different positions. Just thought you should know that.

I'd love you like a snowstorm: I'd give you 8 to 10 inches and you wouldn't be able to leave the house for 3 days.

Hi, my name is Joe Bloggs (any name!) Have you heard of me? No? Well let me take you home and fill you in.

So, tell me about yourself, your dreams, your ambitions, your phone number.

Cherry Cheesecake

Posted: 04 Oct 00:27


Haha wow....that is a lot of pick up lines...

My favorites....

Party in my pants come have a ball.

Do you sleep on your stomach? (no) Can I?

Would you give me a blow job for an apple (no) What would you do it for (ewww nothing) Okay then where do you wanna do it?

Ducy

Posted: 04 Oct 00:27


It's been used and used, but since I'm a bit of a geek, my favorite remains:

"You know, I wish I were a derivative, so I could lie next to your curve."

JustAGirl

Posted: 04 Oct 00:27


Make eye contact with a woman and smile at her. When she ask, "What are you smiling at?", smile at her and say, "I'm southern, I smile at everybody." ;)

The only other pickup line I've ever said to a woman was one that I said as a joke...
"Could I borrow your cell phone, my mother told me to call her if I ever found an angel."

cjb1981

Posted: 04 Oct 00:28




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