OP: Everything's awkward with a little cup of semen...

So today I have to take my second vasectomy sample to the doctor's office to see if I'm shooting blanks yet. I "failed" my first, so at best I have this one and another after to be sure everything's gone. Below is what I have to go through today....

Let me just say this, for every guy that blushes in the condom isle, for every man that winces when looking at the dizzying array of feminine hygiene products at the grocery, and for all the fellas that gets queasy when they see "something" rolled up in toilet paper in the bathroom trash, you are all WUSSIES!

Ok, I'll start at the beginning. First of all, you have to plan to collect it. There's kind of a time table to this. It has to be "fresh" the same day, and not refrigerated. There goes my plans of storing some up for the winter. Once you've found your hidey hole to squirrel away in, where the kids won't come knocking, and you can't hear the dogs outside barking to be let in, you can start. You're mind is constantly pulled out of the moment, because you're constantly thinking of "ok, do I grab the cup now? Am I ready? Oh wait, no not yet! Damn this will take forever!" It's hard to turn an orgasm into a clinical function. This isn't like brushing your teeth before going to the dentist, or putting glitter on your pubic mound before going to the GYN. (Just an assumption, I don't know what the proper preparations are for a GYN visit. Please don't enlighten me.)

And then there's this cup. I can't really in good conscious say it's a cup. It's more like a mug. It needs handles, and a coaster. When you're on your own, watching it shoot out in a towel, shower wall, or a loved one's torso, you feel like you're such porno star. You have all this VOLUME and AMOUNT and it RUNS and there's SO MUCH! My wife complains that the next day you can still feel it coming out. So obviously you wonder if it'll all fit in the cup. Reality hits when you realize you can't even wet the whole bottom of the cup. It just all hangs to one corner, even if you shake it around. What are the other 14 ounces of this cup for? Horses?

Ok, so you're all done. You have your tiny wet spot in your clinical beer stein, you've written your name all over it, and now you have to transport it. If you're lucky like me, you have to drive an hour to get to where your doctor is. Blessed is the engineer that made cup holders for cars. As a side note, my friend was pissed because she had to hold the cup in her armpit to keep it warm, as they're doctor wanted it within the hour and warm. Thankfully mine isn't like that.

Maybe I'm just weird (don't answer that) but while driving an hour, EVERYTHING seems awkward with a little cup of semen along for the ride. I went through the Wendy's drive-thru, with a little cup of my semen. I had to stop and fill up with gas, with a little cup of my semen. I was pulled over and got a warning for running a red light as it changed, all while my little cup of semen was there. I had to pull over to call for directions to the doctor's office, because I didn't know where to take my new driving buddy.

And by the way, is there any time of day at a doctor's office that there's NOT a lot of people there? And it's never the right type of people. I'd feel much more comfortable in a room filled with equally embarrassed guys, but not a waiting room full of grandparents playing with 3 year old grandkids, and they all want to talk to you. Even the nurses, who on any other day don't even look up for eye contact when taking your information. While every guy's fantasy has at some point involved a cute young nurse, that's totally NOT what you want in real life medical situations with the gravity of this magnitude. You want the old heavy nurse that's been around the block, and doesn't smile at you because you're disrupting her crossword puzzles. I didn't want the one that's pretty, and young, and smiling, and says she likes my shirt, and notices my running shoes and talks about barefoot running with me, all while I'm palming a little cup of my semen, and trying to remember if nonchalant is the right word for "man in an awkward situation with attractive person, pretending to not be awkward in said situation".

I also don't like sitting in the waiting room for 15 minutes, palming my little cup of semen still, waiting for someone to CALL MY FULL NAME REALLY REALLY LOUDLY and then saying (equally loudly) "DO YOU NEED ANY OF THIS READING MATERIAL TO HELP WITH THE COLLECTION PROCESS? OH I SEE YOU BROUGHT IT IN ALREADY. THANK YOU!"

My collection process is complete. My delivery is complete. I retire home to build a pillow fort to hide in the rest of my life.

Firmus

Posted: 14 Jan 03:03