Wife only passionate when drunk...
Umm...hey guys! New to the forum! Just a little backround, I'm 28 and married to my wonderful wife, who is 26. We've been married for 3 years this June.
We live busy lives. I am on the road a lot with my job and we hardly get to spend weekends together anymore. Mostly just 1 or 2 nights a week. She is a full time teacher working mon-fri. I think we have a pretty good relationship, but she thinks I'm obsessed with sex because the 1 or 2 nights I'm home during week, of course I want to make lots of love. Not really her thing, because she's stressed and/or tired from work. I can understand that.
On the weekends when I'm stuck in a hotel somewhere, she goes out to the bar with her girlfriends. I'm okay with that too. But overtime I'm starting to feel neglected. When I'm home, she's kind of bossy and not very "pleasant". She has a really bad class of kids this year, so during the week she is not very happy after school. But that's the only time I get to be with here, and its only for a few hours each night before she goes to bed. We sort of lead two different lives because of my job, and I am actively pursuing another job because I miss my wife, and want to be there on the weekends with her. No job is worth sacrificing your marriage for, and I feel like my job is really hurting our marriage because we don't see each other often.
I try everything to keep a passion with her. She doesn't like toys in bed and every night we do have sex, she wants it to be quick because a show is on, or she has work to grade or something else. I never complain, I just enjoy what I can with her, but this is eating at me!! When I'm alone in the hotel and bored, I text her and call her and try to keep our relationship fresh because I'm not there everyday. She doesn't seem interested and seems more concerned about the latest episode of the bachelor or something like that. I sent her a text today and asker her if steamy, romantic stories turned her on. I'm a pretty good writer (one of my side jobs for a magazine), and she says "I don't know". Well I give her a little sample in a text and she says "oh ok". Thats the only response I ever get from her.
I've told her before that I feel like she has no desire for me, like she doesn't want me. And in turn I get snapped at! Like how we have so much going on and I have no idea because I'm never home and she's paying bills (we have a joint account, so its my money too) and maintaining the house. And what do I do? Well I'm never home to do anything! So what does she expect? I come home and I want her! I don't want anything else, I don't want to do anything else! When I haven't seen her or slept next to her in 5 or 6 days/nights, well I want my wife! I know that sounds selfish, but I love her to death and she is beautiful and sexy and being away from her 5 days a week is torture.
But she doesn't understand. We have discussed this very same issue for over year. In fact, this has been an issue for 2 years of our marriage, because after we got married, I got hired into my line of work and she was o.k. with that. She was happy I pursued my career goals and she pushed me to succeed. Well after dealing with this for 2 years, I don't know where to turn or what to do. I can't talk to her about it because it turns into an argument, no matter how I approach it. I told her that I'm not just a horny nut, but I'm a 28 year old guy who thinks his wife is drop dead sexy and I hardly get to see her! She just says "Sorry, I don't know what you want me to do." Well I want her to have some kind of passion towards me. Damn, I've tried for 2 years. The only time she is passionate is when she is drunk!
Why is it that alcohol turns her into a passionate, love making sex machine? Just this past New Years, I called off of work. Big mistake with the company because they were pissed, it was a big work holiday, but I wanted to be with my wife and my family. We're at a family party and my wife is getting tanked! She's drinking all kinds of Martini's and she's hanging on me, kissing me - wow, it was soooooo awesome! I was totally head over heels for her that night! I loved that attention, I desired it sooo bad! On the car ride home (I didn't drink, had to drive), she started masturbating in the front seat! Believe me, this is totally NOT her! She never gets adventurous like this! Next thing I know, she's taking her top off and is wearing nothing but a jacket! Well you would of thought I was drunk because I couldn't stay on the damn road! I was drunk with hormones ragging like a maniac! Every stop light was leaning over, kissing me passionately and putting her hand in my pants and my hand on her breats.
When we finally got home (which took waaaayyyy too long), I literally carried her upstairs and we had the absolute most passionate sex I have ever had! I mean, it rocked my world to the point where the entire next 48hrs I was on such a high, that I just replaying that night over and over and wanted to do it again. The next day, sober of course, she was back to her old self. WTF? And this is part of the reason why I feel jealous that she goes drinking with her friends every weekend. For 2 reasons, the obvious, I'm not there to be with her and the other obvious - because she lets down her guard and gets comfortable. I doubt she would go home with some other guy, but when she gets drunk - look out. I don't complain about her weekend fun, but I feel jealous, because she goes and has fun with other people but when I'm home, I get the cold shoulder.
I understand stress is a huge kick to the sex drive. I experience it too. And we have a lot of stress. She's looking for a new job, I'm looking for a new job, we're trying to save money for a new house etc. etc. I've had some health issues over the last year and just in general, it has been a stressful start to our marriage! Now, I LOVE this girl to death. I would jump in front of a train for her. I have not even pondered life without her. But I'm not happy right now. She has no passion towards me, we never do anything fun together and we don't even laugh together anymore. I try to be cute and funny and play with her, but she snaps. Why does she get so passionate with alcohol? I ask her if she wants a cocktail every night I'm home...can you blame me? :D HELP!
DirtDriver
Replies:
Your wife is just as stressed out as you are.
She works with fiends in human form all day, deals with parents, deals with the educational bureaucracy all day and then comes home to an empty house and the bills, the things in the house that need attending to, the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, the upkeep, the trash, and 1 or 2 days a week to a husband who only wants to fuck her repeatedly, doesn't want to help out, doesn't want to deal with anything - and you're SURPRISED she begins to see you as 'just another person who wants another pound of flesh out of her"???
All take and no give is the fast way into the divorce court, buddy.
You're not 28, you're 18 at most while she's rapidly feeling a million six years old. She doesn't feel sexy, desired, loved for more than her sexy hot body since that's ALL you ever talk about. She works two jobs to your one and you 're complaining you're 'not getting enough'? Count yourself lucky you still have two testicles. And if you think going out with her girlfriends is enough 'fun' to replace that hole in her heart - think again.
You want her to feel desire for you? The get down on your knees and scrub the damn toilet for once! Take some of the burden from those slender shoulders of hers. Be her knight in shining armor for once instead of just another "job" she has to do. Try listening to the lady and finding out what SHE would like for change! The reason why she's not jumping your bones is you have turned her OFF. The bedroom is "all about you" which leaves no room for her. Why should she talk since you're not listening anyway - she's sees it as a big waste of her time so she starts a fight to shut you up.
Yes, she still loves, and desires you but there is so much 'baggage' between you - your unrelenting "I gotta have" and her seething resentment of and repressed anger toward you that she can only let go if she drinks too much and cannot think straight. Is THAT the sex you want?
EvilEvilKitten
Keep in mind that she is probably lonely also, so you are not the only one. In addition to working she has to go home and clean house, do the chores, cook, etc. What can you do while on the road or when you return home? Pay the bills perhaps?
Is your wife looking for another teaching position? If so, I'd recommend sticking it out as she will probably have a better class next September and this is a better bet than changing schools. If she is looking for some other type of work, what has her interest? What are you looking at doing next?
Her stress can be reduced or eliminated by you doing as much as you can for her when you are home; secondly, it doesn't always have to be about sex. You can spend time just kissing, hugging, cuddling, whispering sweet nothings in her ear, with intercourse not being the objective.
Draw a candle-lit bath for her and give her the opportunity to sit and unwind. Another time, join her but just be with her holding and kissing, nothing more. If things go further, fine, if not, even better for her feeling connected to you.
If you want closeness and an orgasm or two, consider letting her service you without you getting her fully aroused. She will feel less pressure, and should enjoy meeting your needs. This will help you and reduce the pressure on her that she perceives.
If the motels you frequent have Wi-fi, use these days to use the internet. Keep off the computer as much as possible while you are home. If you are a gamer, limit yourself to how much time you waste and devote more time to the two of you.
Wake up each morning and ask yourself "what can I do today to make her life better", then set about doing so--especially when you are home.
Does your wife have one or more teaching aids? If so, she should require more of them in order to control the classroom and see to each student's needs. If not, she should be meeting with the principal and seeing what can be done to acquire an aid and reduce her stress level.
Do you have sufficient funds in the budget to hire a housecleaning service to clean house every few weeks? On her own, she can do a lot to better manage the home. One example is to cook only two times a week and freeze the left overs for other days. This way she can make a salad, warm a part of the leftovers, and have much less work each day.
Another example is to stop cleaning the house one day a week; instead, clean one room each day or two. You two (especially her) will be cleaning a little at a time, rather than a lot all at once. This causes much less stress and is a technique I learned from an an aunt, who every time I called, was cleaning house! It was always immaculate and I could never understand how two people could dirty a small house that it required constant cleaning. It was years later that I learned her secret. So, suggest this to her as another way to reduce her level of stress. Save a room or two for you upon your return.
Do you do housework when home? Can you cook? Do you cook? Will you prepare meals when you are home? What about the laundry? Lastly, if the two of you pick up after yourselves each night, and not let the clutter collect, doing so will greatly reduce the tension in the home.
dancingdoc2
My question to Doc and EEK is, what if he does all that already? You've assumed he does not (and if not, get to it buddy!), but what if that's all being done already?
Then what?
wet_suit_one
Dear WSO:
"And what do I do? Well I'm never home to do anything! So what does she expect? I come home and I want her! I don't want anything else, I don't want to do anything else! When I haven't seen her or slept next to her in 5 or 6 days/nights, well I want my wife! I know that sounds selfish, but I love her to death and she is beautiful and sexy and being away from her 5 days a week is torture."
He doesn't do anything else. He told you so himself.
EvilEvilKitten
...and what about the families in which the man of the house is overseas for a year or more at a stretch?
I understand your frustration and not having a hint of what to do to work things out for the better.
WSO, I've recommended that he read the articles listed in the Index. He needs to understand what is sexy behavior from a woman's perspective, and, what is a loving behavior as she sees it. The answer to the last was covered in my previous post in which I mentioned that he needs to do more of the household chores when home, and whatever might be possible to do in a motel room at night like paying bills.
When home she sees, not being on the computer for hours on end and paying attention to her as well as any household tasks. The most common of which is taking out the trash. Take it out even if it is not the night before the truck comes. Making beds, changing sheets, doing laundry, folding clothes, dusting, all this is not only appreciated by someone who has also been alone, but as loving gestures more apt to place her in a receptive mood.
What fellas have to understand is that the fairer gender have different priorities and triggers than what guys have. It requires wooing in order to start their engines and we should plan on devoting half an hour or more to just fooling around and making out before ever getting to the foreplay stage or beyond.
So, DirtDriver, how are you dividing your time?
dancingdoc2
Thanks for the replies.
When I am home, yes I do things. I take care of the things that need to be taken care of, in addition to things that she wants me to do. For example, last weekend she bought a new light for the foyer, I installed it when I came home. I clean the litter box when I'm home, I do any laundry that needs it and I am the only one who does the ironing. I'm prior military, so she loves it when I iron her clothes. I do this on a weekly basis for her.
Usually when I come home, the house is already cleaned. She does her cleaning saturday mornings and I'm gone every weekend. My only days home are Monday and Tuesday. I take care of her vehicle maintenance, and in the mornings when I'm home, I get up early with her and make her tea, warm her car up and sit with her on the couch for the morning news.
I know it doesn't sound like much, and I know she works her ass off and has a lot to deal with. I am totally aware of the stress that she's under. You have to understand though, that my job is very demanding, of both myself and our marriage. When I get home from a 4 or 5 day, I'm beat and just so happy to be in my house. Living out of a suitcase in a hotel 5 days a week really drains the life out of you.
I'm not complaining that I don't "get enough". I just feel distant to her, like there is very little passion. I understand the cause, but until I can get switch careers, this is what we've got. Until death do us part - I will love this girl always and never for a second have I thought about divorce or seeking another woman. She's my girl. So our marriage isn't in a distressed state on the brink of divorce. I just don't feel like she's into the relationship and I'm looking for ideas to help.
I think the only solution is a career change. In this economy, its rough. I can't even get a job at Walmart. She's the love of my life and she is incredibly strong. She does a wonderful job maintaining things when I'm never home. I guess it's a bit selfish to expect more out of her, which is why I'm not blaming her or considering other options. Like I said, she's my life, I love her to death and I do the best I can to help out.
Oh and yes, I cook dinner for her when most of the time when I am home. Sometimes I only have a "quick turn" at home, with only 1 night and 24hrs at home. In these cases, I have to do my own laundry (for my suit case, work clothes), repack my bags, iron my uniform and pick up lunch meats for the cooler. I barely have time to think.
DirtDriver
Well,
I see that my failure of reading comprehension has disqualified my question. That doesn't quite make sense, but whatever...
As for Dirtdriver, I've often thought that modern life is scourge for marriage. Your circumstances are some anecdotal evidence that I was on the right track...
Change jobs. Your life sounds like crap.
wet_suit_one
Yeah sorry, my first post was on day 4 of a 5 day away from home. I try to find ways to do fun things with her when I'm not home, like meet up with her on instant messenger, or play an online game together or write her a story or whatever. I get pretty damn lonely on the road and I try to keep a connection with her, but usually she's not interested. Which is frustrating, from both standpoints. Its frustrating for me because she doesn't understand or see what I go through every week, and for her because I'm not home every night to help out with the daily routine.
My job sucks, there's no better way to phrase that. She's been an amazing supporter of my career aspirations, but lately we've both been on the same page that this is not a life we want to live. In addition to traveling so much, I have a lot of responsibility at my job. Lives are in my hands daily. I have a lot fo "extra" work to keep up on when I'm not working, like staying current on regulations and procedures. To pile on top of that, I've been going to college through online courses pursuing a degree in Fish and Wildlife for a change of career. Ideally, I would like to be out of the industry I'm currently in and get a job with the Fish and Wildlife near home. So I can be home every night. I miss her, but short of quitting and going on unemployment, I'm stuck right now. I am more of a benefit to her by working this job right now, I make decent money. Because of my job, we are able to save a lot of money every month for our future and I provide her with excellent health care coverage.
Its just life I guess, and right now it sucks. But I came home last night, which was a surprise because I wasn't supposed to be home until today. I cooked her dinner, we watched the game together, cuddled on the couch and had a great love making session afterwards. I cuddled her to sleep, woke up this morning and drove her to work. She knows I love her...I know she loves me. But the passion is infrequent, not her fault, I know.
DirtDriver
WSO - your question has been answered many times before: if your partner refuses to work with you on solving a problem, one that you both perceive as being a problem, then you either accept that or you divorce.
Just because you're married doesn't "entitle" you to sex. Your spouse can always refuse and his/her wishes must be respected else you become unworthy and "less of a person" in their eyes if not in your own.
Dirt: never permit anyone to hear you whining like you were in your first post ever again. Yes, being apart from the one you love is frustrating but you know, more or less, when you're coming back - and it isn't a question of not making it back as it would be if you were employed by certain branches of the government - so count yourself fortunate. There are others in this forum who aren't in such a good position.
I recommend that you read the various articles Doc has indicated and also that you read The Program and Body Worship and "plan your hunt" in a mild sort of way when out on the road. Then set up a 'date' with your wife for when you're back home. Sort it out online with her in advance so you both can savor the anticipation. Savor the sex to the extent that the afterglow carries you both over until the next 'date night'.
Finally, learn to laugh and to be joyous - nothing is as bad as we think it is - often it is our attitude that makes it terrible. Your current job is an opportunity for conquest. Gear up. Soldier on. Until you can change it for the better, but, no more whining about how hard your life is.
EvilEvilKitten
There is an old saying in business: "Plan your work and work your plan".
EEK said it well. Your date nights or whatever your plans are for your days off should probably at first be scheduled by penciling (na! Inking) them in on the calendar or maybe even a day (night?) planner at first until the two of you get used to having and working with a schedule.
Your wife needs to get on board and work with you on this, also. Marriage is a team effort, even if one-sided at times. Have you had a discussion about why she is uncooperative and unlikely to be in a better mood when you are home. Have this talk, it could prove enlightening.
As with EEKs "The Program", first attend to her emotional needs. Sex and intercourse are not those, that come later after her mood improves from the other things you do. Quite frankly it does seem to me like you are very attentive to her emotional needs when home and doing the various tasks that you do. That she does not seem to be makes me wonder what it is that is preventing her from meeting you at the front door (naked or not), kissing and hugging you, taking our shoes off in the proverbial sense, while you reciprocate. Asked another way, why is the passion missing from the equation. Hear me, I'm not so much talking about physical passion as in wanting to make out, etc.; rather, the emotional passion that comes from the anticipation that you are coming home, have now arrived, and, now she can relax in your arms, just being with you. Something is missing and only you can learn what it is.
A "customer care" technique I learned years ago when I worked in retail was to never be in an obvioiusly bad mood when a customer walked in the door. Never let the irritations caused by the prior customer who may have been difficult to reflect upon the new person. All this person expects is a pleasant greeting with a smile and to be treated like s/he is the only person you've seen today or that all customers have simply made your day. If you are grumpy and do not shut off this emotion upon turning around and saying "hi" to the next person, your chances of making a good impression about you and the store are reduced significantly--so too are any potential sales.
So, the two of you should probably have a heart to heart talk about what is really going on between you, what both of you can do working together or individually to turn the situation around making an undesirable circumstance better. This takes more than a "can do" attitude, it requires desire and working together for the common good. So, tonight being Monday, think about this and have a fact finding discussion with your better half and map out a plan. If she is unwilling to at least share life with you from her perspective, then she is either too hurt or simply not willing to work with you on making lemonade out of lemons so to speak. This would be cause for concern.
Thank you for the great report on how things went last time. It sounds like the two of you had some good times together without making intercourse an objective. Good going. Here's to more of these.
dancingdoc2
Well I just wanted to give an update.
One day when I was home, I cleaned the house, did the laundry, took the trash out and had dinner on the table when she came home. We sat down for dinner and I talked with her. I told her how I felt and explained just what it's like to do my job for 5 days a week. I apologized for approaching the issue in the wrong manner and asker her how she felt.
She explained that she absolutely appreciates everything I do for her and she apologized that she has kind of pushed me away lately. In fact, she cried and said she was really sorry that I felt like she was pushing me away. I told her that she didn't have to apologize because I understand that she is under a lot of stress and me not being home just adds to it. We both agreed to set time aside together every night that we are home and do something. Even if its just cuddle and read a book. I have to control my sexual urges to want so much sex when I come home, and she needs to work on setting time aside for us when I am home.
Well it's been a month now since we had the talk and things are going really good. Last weekend I surprised her by taking her to Key West, FL for the weekend. I know her job has her stressed out beyond belief, so I thought a surprise trip to a warm sunny destination would help cheer her up and relieve some stress. We had a great weekend. Enjoyed some nice cocktails on the beach, had a lovely dinner and great evening on the town. To say that I love her is an understatement. I really can't describe how I feel about her. She just makes me smile and I love making her happy. Things have changed now at home and we've really been enjoying the time we set aside everynight. Some nights we'll play in bed, but other nights we'll watch a movie, read a book or play a game.
Life is busy and life is hectic, especially with the economy the way that it is. But I think when the times get tough on a marriage, you just need to work a little harder to take care of each other. Thanks for the advice here.
DirtDriver
Sound like you're doing what you can. Marriage isn't easy. By a looong shot. You guys aren't even 30 yet. The economy is tough right now. Just be lucky you don't have kids in the mix! (They haven't been mentioned, so I assume you don't). Just be HONEST with each other and start talking. It's easy for everyone else to say to find another job. I've been through it with my husband of almost 20yrs. He lost his job (1st time ever) over a year ago, due to them just closing their doors with 2wks notice. Well, his replacement job isn't quite the salary we've been accoustomed to. It's been a VERY tough year or two. I resented him and the world for quite awhile. But times are tough, and eventually they'll get better. We've both looked for better positions and sometimes that just isn't a reasonable option. It took ME going back to school (I'm a psych major with less than a year to go--I acually found this forum by doing a search for a paper for school!) and learning to see that I need to change myself too to keep things going also. I've been bad (and still am) about being too tired for sex during the week and wait for the weekends, but both of us have the same schedule for the most part--luckily. You don't have that luxury, so you need to find a compromise for what DOES and WILL work but it takes the two of you discussing it.
You haven't mentioned if your sex drives were in synch before your travelling job and her teaching job. If so, it most likely is the stress and will just take honest communication and some of the tips already mentioned.
Sounds like she has a keeper to me and you two just need to keep plugging along!
Rayna J
