I told my bf that an ex was better
My boyfriend and I recently had an argument and somehow the topic moved to our sex life. I asked him "who was better at sex...me or your ex?" and initially he refused to answer the question but I stupidly kept on pushing him to give me an answer (and an honest one) and he said that "yes, she was better." Obviously, I was devastated with this response and felt absolutely sick to my stomach.
He later explained that this was because they had more practice and did it like 3 times a day for the amount of time they were dating (1 and a half years) and she also apparently initiated sex more often, and he also said that I don't seem "into it" (I am). This girl was also his high school girlfriend and his first love, first time having sex, etc. He is my first love, first boyfriend, first time having sex so him saying this absolutely tore me to shreds. I get that practice makes perfect (I was also living in another country for 10 months during our relationship). We have been sexually active for a total of 8 months and have been doing it once a day on average (except for the last few months where he was living in a different city)....and I thought I was pretty good. (he said I was really good at one point).
But now I feel like our sex life (and our relationship) is doomed because I'll be thinking about him and his ex and comparing myself to her. I know it's a relationship rule not to bring up exes, but now I did and the damage is done. Is it worth saving? If it is, how do I get over the hurtful things he said?
Replies:
I have to say while honesty usually goes a long way, really the only sure-fire thing that a response like your boyfriend´s does is cause hurt, insecurities, and crushes a person’s sex drive. On your part, and as you already mentioned, it´s not a great idea to test the waters for an honest response when there is a 50/50 chance that you're not going to like what you hear! The good news here is that he seems to have clued in quickly, explaining why he said what he did and communicating to you why he felt that maybe it was better. Communication is HUGE in a relationship and if your boyfriend is laying it out there for you, the best thing you can do is try to appreciate the honesty, take advantage of it and be open and receptive to what he is trying to tell you. I think this one is salvageable, if YOU think it is worth it.
Since the question has already been asked and the response given, you now have a very honest playing field to move on. I would suggest taking this as a golden opportunity that some couples never get, to really tune into what your boyfriend is telling you, and act on it. While I wouldn’t recommend driving yourself mad comparing yourself to other women, especially ex´s, I would recommend reflecting on what he says made it better for him. He has clearly laid out for you, what makes sex great for him:
What he is saying: He and his Ex had sex more often. Translation: He wants you and him to have sex more often. This doesn´t mean you have to have sex 3 times a day -you can switch things up between having sex, oral sex, sensual massage, masturbation, ect. What he is saying: His Ex initiated sex more often. Translation: He wants you to initiate the sexual intimacy more often. What he is saying: You don´t seem into it. Translation: He wants to feel more passion from you. This may come directly from you initiating sex more often and having sex more frequently and/or he could be looking for other erotic forms of expressing sexual desire such as role playing, lingerie, talking dirty, using toys, etc.
I would also like to recommend that you use this opportunity to look at why you asked the question in the first place. Are you feeling insecure? Have you been feeling jealous? These types of feelings can cause big problems in a relationship if they are not resolved. The truth is that self esteem is a concept that many of us struggle with and it really needs to be worked out within yourself so that you can be a strong, independent and happy person and so that you don't sabotage this or any relationships you may have in the future.