Brandye gives the definition of an addiction. A person surely can have an addiction to work. Probably very uncommon, but let's say that this man in your example is at work so often that his personal relationships are suffering. He is working 24/7, nights, weekends and so on. Far beyond his call of duty, there is nothing reasonable that's keeping him at work for so many hours. He gives up normal activities in order to keep working, like eating regularly, sleeping, spending time with his family. No matter how much people in his life try to tell him to take a break, tell him that they miss him, they need him, they are concerned about him - he will not stop, he feels like he can't stop. That could become enough of a problem that a wife may consider divorce, yes? When it is something that consumes you so much that you lose your ability to keep a normal life going, that is generally when you cross the border into an addiction. Technically, I suppose you could be "addicted" to almost anything, but an addiction becomes a problem when it starts affecting your sense of normalcy and your relationships with other people. An addiction to chapstick is not going to affect your life as much as an addiction to drugs will.
In this case, she states that her fiance has told her that this is a compulsion and he feels like he cannot stop. It would be different if he did not WANT to stop (maybe he doesn't), but it sounds to me more like he feels like he's incapable of stopping the pornography. We don't know anything about their sex life, whether it's normal or not. But if he is avoiding sex with a real person to masturbating to porn, even though he has a willing participant, that to me could qualify as someone who has an addiction. No one likes to have limits put upon them, no one responds positively to someone they love putting out ultimatums and telling them that they don't want them to do something. In some cases, depending on the ultimatum, it's enough to end a relationship. However, asking someone to stop viewing, or at least cut down on viewing, one particular type of pornography does not seem like enough of a reason for a person to want to end an engagement. Maybe for some people it is, but this is a woman that he has decided he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Why would he want to choose his pornography over a real life relationship, a chance at a family, and so on. Personally, I do not think the request is so crazy. Part of keeping a marraige and relationship working is compromising. In this case, I think she also is coming across the problem of wondering whether his pornography viewing is signalling that he actually could be bisexual or at the worst, gay. He may or may not have been actually trying to find transexuals to hook up with in real life, while he is away on business. This is scary to think about when you are almost married to a man that you fully believed was satisfied with your sex life before this. I would want to know whether or not my fiance was really attracted to men, or transexuals, and if he was - whether or not he was really planning to seek out sex with them.
Anyway, I support the decision to see a counselor and try to work on things. He may not WANT to give up the pornography, which is completely different from having an addiction to it. In that case, you would have to make a decision of whether or not you wanted to marry him. An ultimatum in this case will probably not work. But, at least you would have all the chips down in front of you in order to make a decision. It seems a little rash for either of you to walk away from your engagement over this issue without trying to work through it first with a counselor. Think of how many other tough compromises the two of you are going to have to make later in life, during a marraige together. You'd better be able to tackle the tough issues if your marraige has any chance of surviving. I'd just focus on postponing your wedding date, if necessary, until you find out whether or not you can both come to a reasonable solution over this.
Just my opinions.
katiebug
Posted: 05 Oct 08:34
