OP: Ever wanted to ask a gay person a question?

The purpose of this post is to allow Sexinfo101 members and guests the opportunity to ask a gay person any question that may have been in the back of his/her mind. This is about information and education. Since i belive folks are born gay, this really isn't the place to have a theological discussion or moral crossfire discussions. That said, DON'T BE SHY about your questions. Trust me, i've probaby heard them all, and i'm not squeemish. I'll debunk myths, and hopefull give you insight into gay folk - i think you'll find we're not much different from most!


Posted: 30 Sep 04:35


Ok, I will bite...

1) Do gay people in general (or you personally) feel a desire to have children or is this absolutely not the case?

2) Are gay people in general (or you personally) at all attracted to women? Obviously, they are attracted to men more, but I am wondering whether their attraction to women is simply weaker or non-existent.

3) In gay relationships, is it usually the case that one partner assumes the 'traditional female role' and one 'traditional male role', or both generally assume both roles, or both assume the same role, or is it something entirely different? (I realize that this question is not very clear, but I am leaving it intentionally vague - answer what you think it is asking.)

On a related note, you mentioned you believe people are born gay. I know little about the matter of what causes one to be heterosexual or homosexual. From an evolutionary point of view, however, if it is genetic homosexuality should be genetically selected against (gay people leave behind no, or fewer children), so over millions of years it would likely disappear. Of course, we know that has not happened. That can mean either of two things:

1) Homosexuality is not genetic.
2) Homosexuality is genetic, but is recessive and the same genes responsible for homosexuality provide some other advantage which improves the survival rate compensates for the fact that gay people tend to have no or fewer children.

I do not know which of the above it is and I was wondering whether you could clarify that for me and enlighten me more on the origin of homosexuality.


Posted: 30 Sep 04:38

Hmmm... a couple questions...?

a) How do you determine which accent color will best compliment your primary color or pattern when decorating a livingroom...?

b) Do all gay men just receive a defacto gym membership and start working-out immediately...?

All kidding aside, I've known plenty of gay, lesbian and bisexual people in my life and they've all been VERY open with me and willing (if not eager) to answer all kinds of questions. To me, there's nothing needed to explain at this point. Heck... I DO live in Massachusetts where gay marriage is now legal.


Posted: 30 Sep 04:38

My question is: when did u notice u were gay? i mean, out of the blue you started to like boys instead of girls?, did u pass a stage where u were like what the hell is wrong with me? how did u get to the point where u say: the hell with it, yes, i'm gay, let's doit .

Now, correct me if i'm wrong, but i think u were married before, so how was the sex with your wife? did u hate it? which one is better? or what is the difference?

Well, c ya, and thanks for the opportunity


Posted: 30 Sep 04:39

Rawbob, I hope you don't mind if I jump on your train here. This is a great topic idea, and I'm a little jealous that I didn't think of it.

First of all, though it might seem obvious, I'd like to state that no one gay person can speak for all gay people, anymore than one straight person can speak for all straight people. That being said I'll answer any question as honestly as I know how. So to the questions:

1. I personally have no desire to have children. And think I would feel that way even if I were straight. However, I do like children and would do everything in my power to protect them. Gay people, like anyone else, have the instinct to nurture the young. I think if adoption laws were not so religiously motivated that fewer gay people would feel the need to create their own children. And there would be fewer unwanted children in the world. If you are looking for a good biological reason for homosexuality, this could be it. Humans, like most species, tend to produce more offspring than they can actually take care of, and then there are those who are orphaned. In other species, other members of the species sometimes take over these responsibilies. Who better than someone with no children of their own, but a strong nurturing instinct?

2. Me, no, not at all. I can recognize a beautiful woman just as you can probably tell if a guy is attractive, but I wouldn't want to have sex with her anymore than you would want to have sex with the guy. If you are sexually attracted to both I believe that would make you bisexual.

3. Yes, this question is unclear. So I'll try a couple of different approaches. If you mean does "the man" go off to work and the "little woman" stay home, well, not even many straight couples do it that way anymore. In all the couples that I know, both work and both share the domestic chores.

If you mean sex and sexual roles, then, I suppose, it depends on the couple. Some guys are total tops (only want to do the penetrating) and some guys total bottoms ( only want to be penetrated) and all those that fall in between. I, myself, am versatile. I like both equally, and would prefer to be in a relationship with someone who also is versatile. I might add that this in no way reflects masculinity or the appearance of masculinity. You would probably be shocked at the number of big, burly truck drivers who are very happy with their legs over someone's shoulders.

TJdude and Humble-
You both sort of asked similar questions. Are you born gay? How did you know? For me, it was, I suppose, the same as a straight guy with girls. I just noticed the guys instead of girls when I became interested in sex. I did, however, "try" girls. Or a girl to be exact. I was very close to her and you could even say I loved her. But there was something missing. It wasn't her fault at all. But I could never have been totally attracted to her. I could possibly even have married her and had children, but I would never have been totally committed to her. Which wouldn't have been fair to her. Which is why I broke it off. I'm sure some guys don't break it off, which may explain how the genes get passed on. I never went through that "OH MY GOD!" stage that a lot of gay people seem to go through. As conservative as my upbringing was, I had access to a lot of books and I like to read. So I went from, "Oh, this is a stage", "I'll grow out of this" to "I guess this isn't a stage, oh well". And "coming out" only made me stronger.

1. You choose your primary color and then go up the chart several shades lighter or darker. If you are more adventurous, you can try contrasting colors, but I wouldn't recommend it for beginners. (I do remodeling, but I know enough interior design to get by.lol)

2. No. And I suppose I could send you pictures to prove it if you like.

I hope these answers helped and I'm looking forward to more questions- if Rawbob doesn't mind- and to hearing his answers.


Posted: 30 Sep 04:39

Wow....i post a question on friday, come back on monday and i missed a bit of an exchange! hahahaha

Well, first off, thanks to those who decided to post some questions - dialogue is the seedcord of tolerance! Ok, on with the replies:

Humble, here are the replies to your questions
1) Children: I cannot speak for all gay folks, but i would say that in my experience, as gay men get older and more financial secure - and yes, are over their "party like it's 1999" days, DO also have a desire to have children in their lives. As you know, most gay people need to adopt to create a family, and each state has their own set of laws governing who can adopt. I am lucky, I have a 14 year old son from my prior marriage to a female. He's a great kid and we have a great relationship. He knows and loves my partner alot. My partner has 2 kids from his prior marriage and they also know, love and accept us as a loving couple.

2) Attraction to women: Hell yes! I do not find the female body repulsive at all. From movie stars to just every day women on the street, not a day goes by what I don't comment when i see an attractive women. BUT, do not misunderstand physical appreciation for physical attraction. Remember, being gay is not about where i put my penis, but rather, my need for emotional bonds can only be met with one of the same sex.

3) Husband/wife roles in Gay relationships: Well, while i can't speak for every gay relationship, I'd have to say NO, there are no "traditional roles" in gay relationships. I will say that in our gay circle of friends, there's always jokes about one 1/2 or the other when it comes to who does the dishes, shopping or who's the interior decorator. I think most SUCCESSFUL long term gay relationships are based on the couple recognizing their partner's strong points. I"m good with money and finances; my partner is a professionally trained chef - so, i take care of the bills and financial stuff, and my partner runs the kitchen. Does this mean i sit on the couch and expect my dinner at the end of the day and never help HELL NO! Does that mean he just gets to spend wildly when he feels like it - HELL NO. We share in all major life decisions.

Now, as far as sex goes, are you asking does one take on the "man/top" and the other "female/bottom" role? Not in the heterosexual sense. The benefit (work with me here folks, i'm making a point), of being gay as far as "role definition" goes is that since we both have the "same equipment" for sex, we can both enjoy both TOP and BOTTOM as a part of our sex life. Going much further would be fairly graphic but i can elaborate if you want.

4) Is gay genetic?: Well, as you can see in my situation, both myself and my partner were both able to conceive children. Being gay is a genetic predisposition to find "EMOTIONAL" love and affection from a person of the opposite sex. It does not limit our ablity to conceive children. History is replete with gay men (in the closet) getting married and having children because of the social stigma and fear associated with being gay. So, the genetics are about LOVE not about being able to procreate.

Well, I think that covers your questions! Feel free to ask more qualifying questions - i'm an open book!


Posted: 30 Sep 04:41

Hi TJ, thanks for your questions. Let me take them one at a time!

1) When did i know i was gay?: Well, like most men in my position, i guess i could write a BOOK about my life as a str8 man..but i'll give ya the Readers Digest version.

Looking back now, i know i was in deep denial about my homosexuality. As a kid and teenager when i saw str8 pornography, i was always looking at the man's dick and not so much the vagina. I mean, pornographic images of a man and a woman having sex are and were everywhere, so there was no lack of "visual" fodder for me. However, when you grow up in a very conservative, blue-collar, religious house like i did, the "ROLE" a man was to play in life was drilled into me from as far back as i can remember. A man is supposed to grow up, go to school, date girls, be rowdy and have fun, play sports, go to college, get a degree, find a girl, get a good job/career going, get married, buy a house, have a kid, and of course the dog and cat - AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I DID. I should also point out that i was a wicked homophobe in my late teen, early 20's. Even my wife (now exwife) would often chastise me for being so intolerant! Once married a few years, my wife and i, as most couples do, began discussing fantasies and watching porn as part of our sex life. That, along with the advent of the internet, i began to see more and more links and info about gay sex. The more i viewed and read the more an inner voice began to cut thru the decades of engrained thoughs and beliefs i had. My and I met a gay couple on vacation, and she encouraged me to spend a week's vacation with them while she was on a business trip. That was when i first saw how happy those 2 men were, and that their life was not much different from my life.

Thats when the deception began in my life and my marriage. I began searching out more information and actual experimentation with gay sex. From trips to adult bookstores to going to gay bars on business trips, i explored all aspects of gay life (thats a story in and of itself). Needless to say, it had a toll on my marriage - and it was my wife who, when she left, said "I'm leaving, so you can find out WHO u really are."

2) How was sex with my wife: Let me just say that i never had a problem performing sexually with my wife. IT was never about sex - it was about love. I "loved" my wife, but i came to understand that i was more in love with the importance of being seen as "normal." In fact, the last time i saw my wife before she left me, we had sex. Its amazing how you can trick your body and mind to adapt to almost any situation - and thats how it was for me. COULD i have sex with a woman now - probaby yes. Would I? No.

Thanks for the questions! Feel free to ask more if you want. HOpe this gave you some insight!


Posted: 30 Sep 04:41

I have no problem(s) re-posting it. Please keep in mind; similar to this very minute, it was composed first thing in the a.m. and my thought process was not as clear as I would have liked. After re-reading it... I also find it hard to follow, and I'm the one that wrote it.

But regardless, here it is:

--- Paste ---

Well... in addition to my previous (humorous?) post... let me share MY beliefs on the subject.

*NOTE: Please ignore the inaccuracy of my facts. I am generalizing and estimating because I'm too tired to go find the actual data and/or facts.

Did you realize that aside from our perception as we get older... there is not a lot of difference between men & women...? Hmmm... that sounds like a far stretch, so let me explain:

It is not until LATE in the pregnancy that gender is determined and it is mostly determined by which hormone gets produced by the fetus first - testosterone or estrogen. At that point the body kicks-in.

Similar...? Yep. If you scour the web you will see some INCREDIBLE instances of the 'in-between" phases of sexual development; such as women's clitoris' that are larger than normal - resembling a small penis. Why... because it is the same flesh mass, just underdeveloped. The labia...? is the scrotum without testicles... the ovaries are the testicles but up in the abdominal cavity or you could take the opposite perspective that it's the Clitoris that GROWS for a man, the ovaries "drop" to become testicles into the scrotum which would have been the labia... etc. We both have nipples, etc.

My point is... it's the body's CHEMISTRY that determines what direction you will take sexually... but it does NOT always happen cut & dry or Black & White. Those are NOT the only hormones and feremones we have. There is belief that you may be genetically closer to the chemical makeup of a WOMAN being more in-touch with feeling and being more emotional yet having the physical characteristics of a MAN.

What about Hermaphrodites that are born with BOTH working reproductive sets...? What does that make them...? Straight? Gay? How do you tell...? If they're with a woman... are they straight or lesbian? If they are with a man, are they straight or Gay...?

From what I understand... more than 90% of non-heterosexual tendancies are NOT "choices" but desires that are not chosen... heck, dare I say REPRESSED for years and burried with denial.

We are slaves to the hormone(s) and our own brains. We like what we like... we hate what we hate. The similarities between men & women physically are closer than you think. The switch that 'normally' gets flipped that triigers interest of the opposite sex can sometimes be flipped a different way... or at times, not even be defined.

I take issue with those that say "You're either straight or gay... there is no Bisexuality" ummm... that's an odd statement. They think Bisexuals are "Confused". Sorry, but I've known a few of them and they didn't seem confused to me. They we very comfortable and grounded in their lives.

Anyhow... enough of my semi-long rant. I think there's a LOT more in my head that makes my point(s) clearer, but I just don't have the energy to type it all out. All I can say is, imagine this:

You wake up one morning... let's say tomorrow. You FEEL the same way you do right now. EXACTLY the same. But, something's different. WHOA! You look down and your gender has changed...!!! You are the OPPOSITE of what you thought you were. No, wait... that's not true... You've ALWAYS been this, but what your THOUGHT you were was a dream...? So, in my scenario, you are now the opposite sex but have all the want's & desires you have right now.

So.. guys... tell me... you now look down and see breasts and a vagina. Are you going to become "gay" and start dating other women...? Why? What's wrong with you...? (stereotypical response)

Girls... now that you lost your breasts and vagina and have a penis... will that make you desire women now...? or will you still like men...? Heck, that's gonna make you GAY now...!

My point is... all of us "straight" people seem to feel confident where we are because we're in the "norm"... but if all of a sudden, you were in a situation where your DESIRES have not changed... but your GENDER has... you still feel like the same person... but now the world's VIEW of you would change if you still were attracted to the sex you always were attracted to. Men who 'became' women would be considered gay because they still like women. Women who became men would be 'gay' because they still like men.

We cannot fault others because of a predetermined desire in their head(s). It's not fair. Imagine a guy saying: "Man, that woman is HOT looking.." and other guys being REPULSED by that statement. "Dude, are you sick...?" No! We like what we like.

Okay, enough of my rant... I hope at least 50% of this came across the way I intended to. Have good weekend...!!!

--- end paste ---

Yeah... a little bit tough to follow, but I think (hope?) my intentions came across. Peace, all.


Posted: 30 Sep 04:42

HngLkAMouse- sounds like your intentions were pure even if something got lost in translation. I find the fact that you are willing to stand up for gay people very uplifting. And for that you have my thanks.

Humble- you're welcome, anytime. If you think of anything else feel free to come and ask. Or even PM me- that goes for everyone.


Posted: 30 Sep 04:43

Thanks Hung....it certainly should give some folks food for thought. But then, that would require those who NEED to see the world as black and white, right and wrong, just can't see gray......ah well...their loss!

Hopefully we'll get more folks posting questions. I mean, with "Querr Eye for the Straight Guy," "Will and Grace" and assorted otehr shows that do give a glimpse into the gay world, there have to be more questions out there! They don't have to be personally directed towards me, generic questions are fine too! C'mon folks...POST!


Posted: 30 Sep 04:43

Let's be clear about our terminology. To the best of MY understanding, a true Hermaphrodite NATURALLY has both a penis AND a vagina... in most cases, both are fully functional.

Transvestites or people who are transgender are not what I'm referring to. They may be Men whom have decided to live life as a woman in physical appearance and mannerisms, but they are genetically a man (having a penis & scrotum) or the opposite... women who dress & live the life of a man. Either of those types of individuals may or may not be taking hormones to help offset the "undesirable" traits of their intrinsic sex attributes.

The example I gave using a hermaphrodite was on the assumption of a 'true' Hermaphrodite... born that way. Oddly enough, the only pictures & footage I've seen are those that take-on the outward appearance of a Woman... quite possibly due to the primarilly female look of the body (Breasts, wide hips, no adams-apple, etc) They may very well be mostly "women" mentally, but having both sex organs. I don't know enough to speak with certainty.

If I think of any questions for either of you... I'll let you know. Thanks for sharing this part of your life for discussion.


Posted: 30 Sep 04:44

I really didn't mean for that post to be offensive. If I'm not mistaken they described him on the box as a hermaphrodite, and claimed he was born that way. It's been quite a while, but if I remember correctly, he did have an unusually large "clitoris" which as you pointed out would be the penis.

Anyway, I was more interested in the idea of attraction verses sexual organs. Sorry if the language was a little hazy.


Posted: 30 Sep 04:44

Okay I got three questions I really would like to ask a gay person.

1. Do you think that gay people can turn straight or straight people can turn gay? I'm not talking Bi, I'm talking a real conversion.

2. I admit I envy gay people in the way it seems easy for them to hook up as compared to straight people. Is what I think true? Why does it seem that while heterosexuality is 'thought' to be normal, men and women aren't always getting it on and its complicated to spark attraction. Why does gay relations seem easier then the straight ones?

3. I have been asked out by a gay man! Why did he assume I was gay? My friend says I looked gay once too. What the hell does that mean? :confused:

Lost one

Posted: 30 Sep 04:46

1. No. You can choose not to act on your orientation and therefore not "be" gay in the sense you won't be performing same-sex acts and suppressing any urges of finding other men (or women for women) attractive in a sexual way. You might even be able to perform in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex. But you'll still be gay, and that suppression will find another (and usually ugly) way out. Larry Craig or Ted Haggert anyone?

2. I don't know if that's necessarily true. You have to be careful of generalities. However, I think those that look for casual sex don't have much trouble finding it. Why? Gay or not, men think like men. :D We tend to be more primal when it comes to sex and can get into the "scratch the itch" mode with another guy just for release. But when it comes to actual relationships I don't know that it's any easier. Relationships of any kind take work.

3. "Gaydar" aside, he probably picked up on something you said or did that made him think there was at least a chance you might be interested. What that was I have no idea. Ask your friend what he thought looked gay about you. In the meantime, want a date? :D


Posted: 30 Sep 04:46

Thanks DVDBear. In reply to 3, I think I do try to look pretty even though its not 'macho' to think that way. Straight men want to look like pigs, but I don't. I would love to be a good looking man and i will admit it. I lost a lot weight and built muscle. I got work with an odd looking, blemish scared body and face though :(

Even though its to look better and hopefully attract women, most men do not care to look good and be clean. This must be the trait that makes me look gay. Ill even admit to using skin medicines, moisturizers and other things to heal or cover up things. Not something most heterosexual men would do or certainly admit to! I feel better about myself if I look better then compared to the days I don't.

No, I don't want a gay date :p, but if a gay man hits on me I don't run away like other men might. It's kind of a complement to get hit on no matter what the gender. :)

Lost one

Posted: 30 Sep 04:47

Fantasy thoughts - should I - or keep them a fantasy?
I have always been hetro. I also have a fantasy that involves another man. I don't know if I should just keep it to myself or try and make it a reality. I've never been with another man before but this fantasy always makes me want to try..... What should I do?


Posted: 30 Sep 04:48

Hi Echo,
If you are single and not involved with anyone then that's the time to try out your fantasies. If you have a partner, then it's more difficult to engage in fantasies that involve someone else. My personal opinion is that in such a case you'd need the approval of your partner.

That being said, there isn't a "sex police"- at least, not yet- who require that you choose a sexuality and stick to it. If you want to explore this, then go looking for someone who would be interested. Make yourself very plain- as in, "I'm only looking for an experience. NOT a relationship." I'm sure you'll find people interested. Get to know the person and make sure it's someone you feel safe with. Above all, play safe.

Good luck and take care.


Posted: 30 Sep 04:49

First things first; what is the other man's orientation and interest? Until you have an answer for this then you would be advised "to just keep it to myself".

There is nothing wrong with any fantasy, even bizarre ones, so long as you do not act out on them.

Before anybody has sex, don't you think it a good idea to get to the person, first. Once you know what his orientation and interests are you will be better able to determine whether your fantasy should remain private, or, whether you should discuss it with him and then decide what to do.


Posted: 30 Sep 04:49

Ok i have a question

My gfs cousin is gay and is her best friend. so i have really gotten to have my first experience of getting to know a gay guy.

and im so utterly disappointed

I think he falls under the category of the newly outed gay guy.

cause i hate to sound like a jack ass but he is to gay for his own good.

you know when someone is just so obsessed with something that its the only thing they talk about or think about. Im watching a stand up comedy special and all this cat did was find reasons why a performer was probably gay. He talked about fashion, he talked about gay clubs, he talked about what men are hot and what men are not, and then were at a bar and two of my female friends walk up to say hi to me and i introduce them to us. when my female friends walked away he gave an ugly face and with the most flamboyant voice physically POSSIBLE he announced "FASHION POLICE"

Im not judging the rest of the gay community by this one example. I find its unfortunate that he has to act this way cause i really was genuinely interested in getting to know him and well it turns out all i had to do is watch "will and grace"

my question is: "how do some of you feel towards this kind of overly cliche gay persona"

I guess im just wondering what some thoughts are about the whole "cliche gay guy image" do you feel your community is stronger by these examples of men who want to exemplify their sexuality to the most obvious extreme. or do you think a much less cliche more everyday average guy attitude who just finds men attractive instead of women is a better example.


Posted: 30 Sep 04:53