OP: Afraid someone I'm seeing is going to out me for being gay

Come out, problem solved.

Mr. Saint

Posted: 30 Sep 06:31

Very thought through, sensible, suggestion. Deserves an equal answer, no.

That's not an option, not right now.

broseph

Posted: 30 Sep 06:32

Do you or do you not trust him?

If you do not, then what course of action would you want to have next?

I recommend that the two of you get together and have a discussion or two at a time when the two of you are not planning on becoming romantic and then discussing what you want from a relationship, what he wants, and what each of you foresees for yourselves while dating. Define the relationship.

A relationship and this includes the sexual aspect of one is a partnership in which we work together in order to have something greater than the sum of its two parts. In the short term, do not define your friendship sexually; instead, work on broadening and deepening the friendship. Do this and the sexual aspect if there is to be one will pretty much take care of itself.

This is the same course of action I would recommend for a heterosexual couple. If a couple cannot find common ground and interests, what good is the sex unless it is to be just lust and getting your collective rocks off?

dancingdoc2

Posted: 30 Sep 06:32

Its not so much a relationship, its mostly just about sex. But I feel he may want to come out and might think if he outs us both there won't be such a bad reaction for him to take alone.

broseph

Posted: 30 Sep 06:32

I am about your age and it was not that long ago that I was in high school and had a gay fling of my own, I’m bi not gay. When dealing with a secret like this that you think is going to come out you have two options in my mind. You either get enough leverage against the people that can blow your cover that if they chose to burn you, you can burn them worse. Mutual assured destruction, if you go down then they go down. Or you go with damage control and make it no longer a secret. Trust me it is a lot better if you have control over who finds out when. Now I do live in a farley liberal state so I don’t have experience with real bigotry but this is what I found to be true.

Mr. Saint

Posted: 30 Sep 06:32

Bigotry is what this city is based around, not historically, just stereotypically. Its not a good diea to be out here.

broseph

Posted: 30 Sep 06:32

OK, sex is good. Getting your rocks off with someone can be.

As for trust, it must be earned. If you are worried that he may out you, then there is no respect so to some degree, there is a relationship. You have to define the relationship and each of your contributions to it. For you, it means what happens between you stays between you. You never talk to others about what intimate things happen, nor do you gossip. If he does not respect your position then you have a decision to make.

Talk to each other about all this and what I stated earlier. Talk means in person, no text messaging or E-mail, or telephoning.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 30 Sep 06:32

Sounds good, but heres a twist.

We've never met, we know each other through mutual friends and we've only text each other/spoke on AIM. We may meet though, depends if we can get this issue resolved.

broseph

Posted: 30 Sep 06:33

You are placing the cart before the horse.

People are often not what they seem particularly when hidden behind a computer screen.

Make an appointment to meet each other in a cafe where the door swings both ways. If you like each other initially, then continue the conversation a bit longer and end with a decision to meet again then set a date and time. Do this a few times and gain some insight about each other. You cannot do this writing letters and notes back and forth.

If the meeting does not go as hoped, no harm no foul. If the initial meeting works out well then go for a few more and learn more about each other. If you want just a sexual relationship with each other then you will have a much better feel for his character and personality than if you only write back and forth. Besides, writing before meeting is what you have done, now get down to the personal stuff. If you continue to write you just delay the inevitable whatever it might be.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 30 Sep 06:33

I suggest, in the future, you use a different screen name if you are afraid of being outed. And having total trust in anyone that you have let know is probably the most important thing before letting them know.
And as with anything over the internet, once that picture is out there it is out there it never totally goes away. So if you don't want someone to know something, such as what you look like naked, then don't post it. You can do a search off a computer and see where it has been, and well if a search shows up a visit to a homosexual website then it is what it is.
If you are outed, then hold your head high. Big deal, and so attitude. In today's society I think being gay is much more accepted than it was say 20 or 30 years ago. If people are your true friends than straight, bi or gay should not make a difference. You need to decide is it better to come out or to be outed.
My question is if you find out someone is gay would you rather hear it from them or from someone outing them. And why?

smallestoftheclan

Posted: 30 Sep 06:33

What happened to the telephone? It is much better than letter writing or texting at gauging what people are like. Talk to each other on the phone and set up a meeting at a restaurant. You can meet for coffee or whatever and sit at a table and talk for as long as it seems productive. Both of you get an opportunity to see if you might be right for each other.

Even if all you and he want is sex, know that it will be much better if you have some "chemistry" between you. As good as masturbation is and as turned on as you become, it is going to be much more intense if you like and enjoy and have a connection with your partner. So, while you may not want a "relationship", you do have to have some sense of togetherness for the sex to be better than what you can do while home alone.

After talking on the phone and getting a feel for each other, set up a meeting. If either of you wants to leave after awhile, it is easy to do. If you are enjoying each others company, great. Once at the meeting if you are not around other patrons, and you feel comfortable talking with him, then discuss the matter of privacy. If you believe you can trust him, then give him some tidbit of nonessential information and see if he gossips to your mutual friends. If he does, case closed. If he does not, give him more trust. If he agrees that privacy (his and yours) is critical then make the decision to do something together and see how he is in a social situation. If you are comfortable with each other in these activities, then decide whether or not to up the ante' and fool around and make out, first, before working up to a hand job and/or oral or more.

You will be happier and much more pleased if you follow a somewhat traditional approach even if it is abbreviated than if you just get naked and grab each others seat of pleasure instead of your own.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 30 Sep 06:33

I would use ALL caution...you are young & never met this guy? How do you know he is not some freak or sex offender????

Have him call you on a cell number which you can change & be careful at what you are doing. Picking up guys on the net who appear to be gay??? That is damned dangerous, sorry but true. You think you know who he is; what if he is not? This is how people get physically hurt.

sera300

Posted: 30 Sep 06:33

Sera, I presume from this that these mutual friends have told the two a bit about each. If not, then, YES, absolutely be cautious and careful using your recommendations.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 30 Sep 06:34

I don't know since why have they not run into the other if having a good friend in common? And how well do both know this friend & for how long?

I worry over someone setting the other up to get into, sorry to say, "gay bashing". I would really make certain you both know the mutual friend well and for sometime. And that you both are trusting of the friend in common. If this is a new friend; someone who you recently met; I would use caution.

However, I would not be concerned with being "found out"...why? You eventually will be out of the closet. Better off to tell the truth then to be found by friends or family. I am assuming you are very certain of your sexuality & not attracted to women?

Look through your family & your friends; anyone who does not accept you if you are honest; is not your friend. If you lie though; this may annoy many more since they will feel you were deceitful from the beginning.

If a good friend of mine came to me and said she was gay or attracted to other women, or if it was a man attracted to a man, I would be happy they figured it out. However, lie to me? I get upset. I can accept much but lies are tough and they compound. Often, people are not taken back by your discovery, it's if you covered it up, and later told the truth.

What I don't get is you state coming out is "not an option" and yet you engaged in this sex chat...which is printable. And yet you want to go forward as a closet gay & have a chat or fling? I thought on another thread you said you were bi? [I may be wrong] but you have entered the point of assumable risks. All you need to do is be honest; and you & any partner safe in various ways. You are already engaging is risky behavior...

Unfortunately, you have put yourself in both worlds--1/2 in and 1/2 out through what you have IM'd. Now, have to choose which side you want. Until you face this; this matter will resurface until YOU come to resolve with it. Why is it not possible to come out? What are you so afraid of? Perhaps some here can help you if you explain...since they have been through the same.

sera300

Posted: 30 Sep 06:34

As long as you're in the closet you're vulnerable and open to be outed. Most likely won't happen but as Sera mentioned there's a lot of hurtful people out there that get off on screwing with others. I can understand if you're in a geographic region that's homophobic, but if you want to engage in secretive meetings you're at risk and decide if it's worth it to you. Frankly, what you're describing sounds dangerous to me, especially if all your mutual friends are not aware of your orientation.

DVDBear

Posted: 30 Sep 06:34

The dancingdoc2 is very sage - though compliments come easy from behind a comp screen :-). Being erotically intimate is a component of emotional relationships. Call me old fashioned, but emotional relationships can't be created, unless you see, hear, study, touch and judge each other. The finger on the keyboard is not the brush across someones cheek. You cannot reasonably trust someone without meeting (and, be honest, negotiating) with them - quite a lot.

So the slow sequence of meets, in public places, where the audience doesn't really care what you say to each other, with plenty of room for polite exits, and no hostages to fortune. Classic advice, and correct. Hope it goes well. And whatever your sexual preferences, the world rarely collapses just because you and someone don't make it together. Maybe tears at bedtime, but not the end of the world.

Hey, take a walk in the park, and just ask, "may I put my arms around u and kiss u, even if we never go further?"

PS. You initially said, with a breezy air: "I don't want anyone advising me to break it off if I don't trust him". That's what I call trying to avoid the truth of what u already know is the correct advice. Ha, if I could tell u an infalible technique for detemining how much someone could be trusted....

I suppose you could just cut to the chase when in person. Ask him if he's ever spilt the beans on someone he's passionately kissed or lain down naked with, even when the other person had asked him to be discrete, explicitly and beforehand. As u ask, watch for those tell tale eye glances and hand fidgets. If he doesn't answer straight away and objects to the directness of the question, then this is not a person to share yourself with. I like that as a gambit, 'cause its a real test of character and agility.

Oh, and he must have some friends u know, and can gently play to check out his reliability. They can't all be utterly loyal to him, and know that you and he might become an item. Personally, if u have a lot to loose, but no way of getting a second opinion on someone, then perhaps the gracious exit...

aamilne

Posted: 30 Sep 06:34