OP: Found out friend's spouse is cheating in confidence... torn.

On the surface or at first glance this may seem like a tough question; however, often the simple logic is the best answer--that being: you maintain the trust between you and your spouse.

On the other hand, if the confidence was about something life threatening or illegal then I would talk with your spouse in hopes s/he would take appropriate action.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 06 Oct 01:22

I don't think it's that simple logic. Because the primary feeling and "simple logic" to me would be;
(s)he is my friend and I will not let my friend be played like a fool.

Then comes "the other hand" since the spouse is trusting me not to tell on his/her friend. Yet; is trust more important than fair treatment? And there's the fact that I can't be responsible for any of them. But personally; I won't sleep with that as my thought of comfort. Since I also firmly believe in: do to others, as you would want them to do for you. That would be the wisdom I'll use.

What I'd do is ask my spouse to try and convince his/her friend that (s)he should come clean to his/her partner. That way I'm giving my spouse a fair shot at it. If my spouse won't or fails, I will go to this friend. To allow him/her a fair shot at telling. I'll probably put a deadline on it. If nothing happens, my friend will be informed by me.

Cause let's turn it around; I would immediately terminate my friendship, if my friend knows I'm being cheated on, yet has done nothing to get me informed about it. No excuses, but's or maybe's. Maybe I'll risk losing my spouse with such strategy as described... Well, he's probably not much worthy my spouse anyways, if he keeps such secrets from my friends. There's nothing good about "trust" if it's only used as a game to keep secrets and allow others to be treated unfair.

You could question how unfair is worth risking. What the doc says about "life-threatening" is true. Yet it is what your ethics make of it. Some will say that cheating is not life-threatening. But what about the wife that got HIV, because her husband cheated using no protection and she therefor unknowingly slept with an infected man?

RedRoses

Posted: 06 Oct 01:22

Your spouse made you complicit in the cheating by telling you and that's not really a fair situation to be put in with regards to your friend. I would probably tell my friend, but give the person cheating the opportunity to confess first.

Spring1978uk

Posted: 06 Oct 01:22

Thanx, Spring! I'm too elaborate on words, but probably could have done with those 2 sentences as well ;)

RedRoses

Posted: 06 Oct 01:22

We are in complete agreement, RR, just stated differently.

Big, if speaking about yourselves, I believe it is up to your wife to do as RR and I have suggested, not you, at least in the beginning.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 06 Oct 01:22

I would have a hard time looking either friend in the face with this knowledge on my conscience.

hot-texan

Posted: 06 Oct 01:22

Okay we can speculate all we want BUT what we DO NOT KNOW at all is what is going on inside that other marriage. They could be in the Lifestyle, he/she may have permission - for all you know .

And it is that point upon which everything hangs.

You keep your mouth shut.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 06 Oct 01:23

in this case EEK there is no "lifestyle" the person is having sex with hookers weekly without the SO knowing.

big916

Posted: 06 Oct 01:23

Are you SURE the other party has no clue? I once saw a TV sit com where there was adultery going on in one couple, and the friend couple found out about it and brought it out into the open. Both were cheating on each other, in fact. Hubby had no idea Wifey was cheating.

But here's the kicker: Wifey was fully aware of Hubby's play time. And didn't mind. And in fact was using it as permission to have her own play time. Wifey liked the situation exactly as it was, and the marriage worked well for them, but because Friend Couple brought it out into the open, the marriage had to end. So Hubby left devastated crying out "I didn't know, I didn't know!!!" and Wifey left devastated crying out "I knew, I knew!!!"

Yes it's a FUBARed situation, and that's why a sitcom dreamed it up. But unless you really are close enough to them that you absolutely KNOW exactly what's going on between those two, I wouldn't interfere.

lnt1103

Posted: 06 Oct 01:23

In your original statement, big, you did NOT say anything about prostitutes. Why didn't you?

Nevertheless - you do not know what's going on inside that marriage so my advice remains unchanged.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 06 Oct 01:24

Well, I would weight if crossing my spouse is wroth it. That depends on how good of a friend my friend is. But I would definitely tell my spouse in advance what I will do.

orangedan

Posted: 06 Oct 01:24

I disagree. If anyone should have kept their mouths shut to keep things among themselves, it's the one visiting hookers. It was put "outside" the moment the words came out. This should have been told to the one to who it matters within marriage.

I agree we do not know what's going on inside marriage. Perhaps it is shared knowledge. But neither can we assume keeping this secret is in best interest of the partner. Marriage remains two individuals.

Also: since this person is already talking to a friend about such activities, it shouldn't be a surprise to receive response on it as well. Those who play at bowls should look out for rubs.

RedRoses

Posted: 06 Oct 01:24

the cheatee thinks they are married to the best mate in the world and doesn't believe in an open relationship. they are not cheating also or doesn't know what is going on Int. the cheater has recently lost a significant amount of weight but their partner has not. this person now is getting more attention and thinks they deserve to have sex with people that look better than their spouse.

EEK at the time i just wrote cheating. to me it didn't matter whether they were with regular people they met or payed prostitutes. after typing that i realized that you would likely give the response that you did about the lifestyle possibility.

what if the cheater gets caught and says that their friend knew about the cheating and didn't say anything? their partner and the person being cheated on are both going to be mad, and say YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS!! now this person is in trouble for not saying anything, or puts their partner in an unfair situation. how can you act the same around this couple at social events, even more so if your partner is told this secret? do you cut off contact from this couple? it seems inevitable that the cheater will get caught so you risk losing one or possibly both friendships. so as a couple you have to come to a conclusion on what the proper action is to take.

EEK wouldn't you feel betrayed by your friend if they didn't tell you your husband was doing something behind your back that deserves a divorce. and like RR mentioned what about the risks of stds being passed to the person being cheated on?

big916

Posted: 06 Oct 01:24

Short answer - no. People do not know how to nor do they like delivering 'bad news' - why we have the police do it. I can accept "I didn't know how to tell you."

Now then if your spouse told you this IN CONFIDENCE and you went and blabbed - you have betrayed your spouse and made him/her betray his/her friend. Judas. Spouses are more important than friends.

So we have the choice between trying to be kind or being a Judas

so the answer remains the same - keep your mouth shut

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 06 Oct 01:24

well i think you EEK are apart of the minority. i can't imagine many women accepting i didn't know how to tell you. so if you are someone who can't be around this couple knowing what you know, do you just end all contact with them? this friend is like a bother or sister to you, not just some social acquaintance.

big916

Posted: 06 Oct 01:24

I'd feel worse about NOT telling them. If I have to have police to do what I should morally do myself, I have no right calling myself a friend.

By telling me, my spouse forces a choice of 'betraying' them or my friend.
If someone cares about you, they wont make you complicit.

Spring1978uk

Posted: 06 Oct 01:25

But Spring by talking to your friend "Did you know your spouse is .." YOU made YOUR spouse complicit-- so you trying to have it both ways; be lily-white and a 'good friend' while being a total #%%^@ to your spouse - you remember -SPOUSE- the one you said you loved?

So I guess you LIED because if you can do that to your spouse then you really do not love your spouse.

There really is no way out, Spring, except to mind your own business and keep your mouth shut.

Big-
Let us review a small point. Big runs over and tells his best buddy that buddy's wife is 'cheating' outcome = disbelief and destruction of friendship. Because buddy doesn't believe him, thinks big is insulting his wife and therefore insulting buddy, or buddy at least pretends thus because if buddy admitted to his wife cheating he will be publicly acknowledging that he (buddy) isn't a man - hasn't got 'enough dick ' to keep his wife.

Just think, if your spouse's friend had kept his/her big mouth shut - if your spouse had kept his/her big mouth shut - you would not be in this position.

brother or sister to you - yeah, but SPOUSE - you know SPOUSE - father/mother of your children - the one you put above all others - ALL others

People - we must all bear our guilty burdens with grace because otherwise innocents get hurt. Keep your big mouth shut. Making you feel less guilty is not an excuse for hurting innocents - just remember, the guilt is the price for whatever you did - pay up & shut up.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 06 Oct 01:25

"EEK wouldn't you feel betrayed by your friend if they didn't tell you your husband was doing something behind your back that deserves a divorce. and like RR mentioned what about the risks of stds being passed to the person being cheated on?"

Since you're making this 'personal'

Point One: in many jurisdictions, adultery is no longer grounds for divorce.

Point Two: condoms work quite well and everyone's routinely tested at least annually.

Point Three: with whom did you imagine he was 'cheating' - my friends - duh!

So, NO, I wouldn't feel 'betrayed'

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 06 Oct 01:25