OP: Feeling sad and lonely after masturbating in a LTR

Red, Sorry to hear of your troubles, hun - you know the reason for your sadness and anguish after masturbating is you're missing your lover and the intimacy.

Unfortunately, your lover's response to his increasingly poor health is a common masculine response. He wishes to hide himself away - retreat to the back of the cave and lick his wounds in private as it were. This thwarts your common feminine response of nurturing and caring for the ill.

Anything you do to help him will only drive him further away.
Sorry, Red, but all you can do is "stand and wait".
Let him come to you when he's ready.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 06 Oct 02:28

EEK, I totally agree on your response. And I guess it's a fascinatingly accurate comparison ;)

The kind of trouble seems to be that he's my only support at the moment... Her death hit me so hard... :( And since she was my best friend, there is no friend to turn to now... Other friends are shallow or are unable to handle this situation; they don't know what to say and therefor shut up and ignore it. I've asked for professional counseling, as I was feeling to be drowning. A major step to me. I still stand by that decision, yet 1 hour every 2 weeks isn't that much ;) and I'm not sure how "practical" it is. She tells me to:
"Take care of yourself. Do not fight yourself in favor of others. That fighting interferes with the coping process and even blocks it. So whenever you need to be with him to feel better, that just needs to be for now. Of course he shouldn't ignore himself, but he should understand that this just needs to be and allows you the comfort of being around him. You think about others more than you think about yourself and right now you should reverse that. You don't need to turn into a selfish bitch, but you must prioritize. This is too major to cope with all by yourself".
She knows about the situation in my relationship. As much as I'd like to take that advice, I'm quite sure that if he were to talk to her separately from my situation, she'd probably give him the same advice: he should think about himself first...

So; how can I "stand and wait", which I agree would be best for him, yet also take care of myself and this coping process I'm in? Any ideas?

And I understand how I'm missing that intimacy... yet is there something I could do to make me enjoy myself again? It would be such a shame if what I've gained in sexual pleasure over the past years, would disappear... I even fear a little that will happen...

RedRoses

Posted: 06 Oct 02:28

Change counselors. This one doesn't seem very practical. "Take care of you" - now what kind of advice is that? Get your nails done? Please.

Right now you're focused upon death and finding it overwhelming. But you know we are all mortal and it is our fate to die. Right now you're seeing this as a tragedy; a loss. People usually turn to religion at this time for solace and for the idea of an after-life. Angels, ghosts and heavenly hosts - all of that is to soothe the living. This is a legitimate response and I am not belittling it.

But to those of us who accept death as a resolution and culmination - as a great ending to a fascinating book - there is a satisfaction of a life well-lived, however short that life may have been. I am not saying it is easy to see death in this way. Understanding that this life is all there is (so why are you wasting time?) can liberate a person from fear of living this life to the fullest.

I'd say: walk through graveyards, meet new people, talk to everyone you see - ask them friendly questions "How are you today?", send your lover gag-gifts. strew flowers over the nearest river, dance in your living room to very loud music (headphones optional) until your blood burns, cry when you feel like it and laugh when you don't feel like it, burn a roast in your driveway and salute the flames with a glass of wine. Cast out the demons (your fears) and revel in this one fact - you're still breathing.

For while there is breath - there's a chance. Go for it!

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 06 Oct 02:28

EEK, beautifully written! And a true word.

The night before my friend died, I wrote a letter to my mother to tell her how much I love her. How beautiful life is and yet so vulnerable; it could be over any second. How I had forgotten to fully enjoy life and it seemed too precious to go through it slumbering. I'm sure I've sensed subconsciously something was wrong with my friend at the time... Sadness took me over the evening I received that terrible news. Yet: I found the world so insanely and overwhelmingly beautiful the night and day after. This feeling still captures me from time to time. I'm trying to hold on to it, every time I seem to succeed a little longer :)

Yes, I know it is our fate to die eventually. But to see a perfectly healthy, young and beautiful woman, who was loved by so many and could have been anything she wanted to be, take her own life... That's what makes her death feel so heavy. Her life seems like a perfect mirror that was smashed by her own bare hands. I'm not angry, I simply feel bad and sad for her that she couldn't see how special she was... I can also see that it was her choice, in a parody-like way I consider it soothing as well. There was no killer, crash or decease that ripped her apart from her precious life, only her decision and action.

Thank you for your peptalk, EEK, I really needed that! :)

RedRoses

Posted: 06 Oct 02:28

That's heavy. Idk what to tell you other than that I wish he'd snuggle with you. To me there is nothing better than laying/lying(please help haha) in bed with my love talking and snuggling. I've just been through the roughest spot in my life and my love pulled me through. I lost a friend of lymphoma in February of 09 and was diagnosed with lymphoma in November of the same year and for a some time in December of 09 I had horrible depression followed by extreme anxiety but I just kept telling myself everyday that things would get better if I let them and although it was impossible to believe at the time that things would get better they have. Exactly one year after my friend died of Lymphoma I received a call from my doctor saying I no longer had lymphoma.. and I am now well and happy. So just keep trying to believe things will get better. My girlfriend is one of my greatest blessings and as tough as it was for me it must have been tougher for her with me being depressed and apathetic and being unsure i loved her anymore and me accusing her of things she didn't do.. somehow she did it and somehow I did it and we're in a better place than we've ever been. So just keep being the best girlfriend you can be while taking care of yourself.. maybe get a teddy bear and watch movies and read books and just try to find a comfort zone.. thats what i did in my deep and dark December. I wish you the best and I wish he would let you love on him and snuggle or whatever floats your boat.

PS even as a man sometimes after masturbating i wish my love was here to snuggle.

VanellaSchnella

Posted: 06 Oct 02:29

Thank you for sharing your story, dear Vanella. That must have been real hard times for you! I'm so glad to read you made it through all that. That's a thing I try to hold on to; if others were able to make it through so much more difficulties, than I'll make it through my tiny problems ;)

I just need to find a way. Whenever feeling sad, stressed, angry, etc cuddles and especially having sex really worked to clear my head for the past through years. Like everything else didn't matter for a short moment of time; feeling nothing but pleasure, love and energy swirling through our bodies; feeling deeply connected to each other. The world just went sunny side up :)

Other: my escape whenever feeling down used to be thinking about the things I do have, instead of what I don't. Therefor people usually refer to me as someone that remains positive. You know; thinking about the things that are ok. But stupid thing is that I lately can't think of one that is really just simply: fine. None of it just simply feels "good". All things could get worse; a bloody lot worse. I do realize I'm certainly not the saddest case in the book ;) This does put things in perspective, yet it doesn't give me a positive energy shot. For that I try to look at good things outside (like the ones EEk mentions) and good perspectives on the future. Some times I manage better than others. And as for the comfort zone: books, teddies, DVD's, a snug blanket and hot coco are all provided for :)

RedRoses

Posted: 06 Oct 02:29

And should that fail - try a booze-nest.

Gather all of your blankets and pillows. Add in a bottle of your favorite alcoholic beverage. Settle in for the evening.

Hold all calls.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 06 Oct 02:29

This is a long post but I hope some people will take time to read it, cause I'd really like feedback...

I continue to have "weird" or "bad" orgasms by masturbating, although I did manage to gain pleasure without tears 2 or 3 times. Apart from missing my lover, I think it's due to some "legacy" of being sexually attacked twice as a child. I do realize I pour my heart out in this thread, but that perhaps is a sort of "healing" thing to do... and it may contribute to clarifying how I feel...

Forming patterns; connecting to fear
First time I was sexually attacked I was in kindergarten; older children stripped me and held both my arms and legs pressed to the ground as they took turns "investigating", while I screamed like murder. Children? Innocent play? This sure as hell was not! As I came home I immediately asked my mom if she'd bath me and we found sand and twigs in between my legs. She was furious this had happened at school! Later I found out the kids were probably victims themselves; their families under strict control of youth care and child protection services...

Typical thing; after that "incident", I actually explored the area in between my legs in my bed at night, just wondering what they thought to be so interesting... I discovered my vagina and clitoris. (at the time: not knowing there were words to it ;))

In the years after that: while under stress I'd rock my pelvic against the seating of a chair and I'd feel a sort of energy release. This relieved me. I'm sure those feelings relate to orgasms, although not as powerful and mostly connected to a feeling of fear.

Reinforcing patterns
The second attack happened age 9, when I was sexually assaulted by a teenager. That was my first "kiss"; while he hit my head against the pavement, leaving me all dizzy, him choking me with his tongue, pulled and ripped my clothes, pushing my legs apart, squeezed me everywhere while his body weight held me to the ground, making me unable to scream, hardly able to move, nearly unable to breath. He ran of by a door opening. Frankly; I'm quite sure he'd raped me if that neighbor hadn't stepped out of the door. The feeling of relieve that I was saved... followed by feeling all alone cause this neighbor didn't notice me there on the ground (unable to move a muscle)... feeling overwhelmed with fear, went home as fast as I could. And I couldn't tell my mom what happened, except for that I fell down and was hurting very much...

I pushed the memory aside. In my teens I tried masturbating by fingering myself, without success. Highschool was full of hormones and boys and girls expressing sexual desire. According to girl's magazines everyone masturbated, so I tried, but couldn't... Cause my arousal would always go together with intense fear, making me feel awful at best. The feeling of fear had become so intense, that I only experienced these energy releases while being very frightened (again; rocking my pelvic did the trick). There was no sort of relief by this energy release, as I had experienced before. I knew about orgasms by then. I didn't relate such feeling to orgasm or much of anything sexual, thinking: isn't that supposed to feel good? This feeling is simply awful...

Breaking patterns: connecting to love
I never experienced sexual desire up to 22 years old. It was only because of my bf (my friend at the time) started caressing me in the most loving way, that I suddenly felt this. It was his way of declaring he was falling in love with me. It took me a while to even kiss him, without cringing. He was the second person I ever told about what happened to me age 9. I had told my mom after years and she didn't believe me... leaving me dangling with my feeling of shame... My bf however suddenly understood that my fear of touch wasn't "just" because I was a virgin. And he was very thankful I shared this story with him.

I recaptured the feeling of energy release, in a more powerful way, when my bf started the necking, petting, etc. This is what I call my first orgasm. And from that moment, the feeling of arousal was connected to "love" and very much related to him (or "us"). I could only experience orgasm whenever we were intimate. It took me months to learn how to do it by myself. First stimulating myself with him lying next to me, then being alone with the scent of his shirt and in the end: by the mere thought of him. And while we were together; my orgasms evolved to becoming multiple and being able to squirt. My bf loved to see me grow and glow. And I was feeling wonderful. I thought I had made it! That I was finally able to deeply and purely connect with my body, loved it, cherished it! :)

Relationship with my bf; update
Since the death of my best friend, my life is not back normal yet. Frustrating as it may be (which I am told to not do; cause my anger will only make it last longer ;)) I continue to be in a state of coping and mourning. My "ups" are more "up" :) but the deep downs still worry me... I've changed counselors to a person who specializes in coping with loss, which was a good thing to do. My bf especially cuddles to comfort me when I'm sad. He does seem a bit more cuddly, holding and caressing me every once in a while. But usually stops the moment I start to like it. I feel a need of "defrosting" from all the sadness and hurt I feel, before I can really appreciate his touch... Whenever I feel sexual arousal, he immediately backs down. It's his gift to be able to read body language perfectly, but at such times it is disappointing as I would rather hide it and be able to enjoy his touch a little longer. It's been 3 months now since the last time we made love... Apart from one time that he fingered me 5 weeks ago, there are no sexual acts. It was after that intimate session that I was able to experience "happy" orgasms by masturbating a few times.

Reconnecting with old patters?
I'm a bit afraid that due to the lack of intimacy between my bf and I, I'm unable to connect with that feeling of "love". And that I start reconnecting with old patterns in my nerve system and mind some how... which makes me feel fearful, awful and crying my eyes out...

Does my analysis make any sense?
Response is very much appreciated!

RedRoses

Posted: 06 Oct 02:29

I understand you perfectly RedRoses.Our situations are a little different but not dissimilar.I too was sexually abused as a child.From age 8-almost 16 by an uncle and also an elderly boarder of my grandmother.This abuse was mostly touching of my body and forcing me to perform fellatio on them.It took a long time for me to enjoy this when i started having relationships with men.My uncle used to tell me that when i came of age 18 he was going to penetrate me vaginally.I wanted to die i was so scared of him doing this to me.I became a teenage alcoholic and drank to numb the fear and pain, and also hoped i would drink to excess and kill myself in the process so i wouldn't be around at 18 for my uncle to defile further.I tried to put it all out of my mind and didn't dare touch myself, how on earth could i feel pleasure from such things.I played games of cat and mouse with him trying to avoid him as much as possible and couldn't tell anyone till i got drunk one night and confessed to my brother.He wanted to deal with our uncle but i didn't want it all dragged up again.I couldn't feel love for a long time, although my first sexual encounter at the age of 23 was enjoyable it still was only an act, bodily function only.It wasn't love as i succumbed the first night i met him, but it seemed right the chemistry between us was electric.Trust was a big issue for me and still is.I have never experienced a proper orgasm till recently and i faked orgasm because it was better than not doing or feeling anything.I've never truly felt loved and appreciated, not even by my husband who betrayed my trust in the cruelest of ways.I know this post is long but i just want to sum it all up by saying that fear and loathing of my body for many years has ruined my sex life.All of my relationships have gone sour and i wonder if i played a part in that happening.I have tried to enjoy sex as much as possible for my benefit as well as my partners.I guess i can't say i know what you are going through right now, but i do understand the feelings and hurt that lead to all of the confusion, and why me.I guess these things happen to make us stronger and better people but i would rather it never happened.My childhood and innocence was taken away as was yours.In different ways but much the same.Maybe that is why i feel a special kind of connection with you, a special kind of understanding between two women on opposite sides of the world.And i have only recently learned to masturbate without feeling guilty and feeling disgust at touching myself.I read the info on this forum and it has helped me very much.I am going through a drought at the moment as i have stopped relying on my husband for sex.I have realized that i deserve much better

raunchy gal

Posted: 06 Oct 02:29

RedRoses I am really sorry to read of your experiences from your past. I cannot imagine how you feel so I wont pretend to. In your post you asked about peoples feelings after they have masturbated. My experiences are feelings of guilt. I feel guilty after I masturbate alone. I have always felt this way even when I was single and younger. I dont have a single reason to make me feel this way so I cant explain it. I do believe that unpleasant feelings after masturbation are quite common so to this end you are not alone. Maybe Raunchy Gal is right - there maybe some confusion in your head regarding your past experiences. This post probably wont help you in any way but at least you know that guilty or sad feelings after masturbation are common.

ludaje

Posted: 06 Oct 02:29

The idea central to this issue seems to be a conflict between physical and spiritual demands.

Indulging does not bring lasting satisfaction, brings up past trauma(s), seems beastial and therefore a failure of the higher human spirit. You resolve to not do this again...but... you indulge again and the failure to resist only adds to the guilt and feelings of spiritual self-betrayal. Further remorse and resolutions which will only again be self-betrayed and on the cycle of indulgence and remorse goes.

But the underlying dichotomy of physical versus spiritual is FALSE.

Sex for pleasure, regardless of partnered or not, is a HUMAN evolved characteristic.

All other animals, except bonobos, have a heat cycle and seek sex only during their fertile period and they do not indulge in anything sexual outside of this period. Sex for pleasure cannot be said to be beastial because no other beast, except bonobos, does it. Bonobos are more accurately described as being 'human-like' in their sexual behavior.

So, sex for pleasure's sake is HUMAN and not beastial.

The idea of 'rising above nature' that some see in being 'spiritual' is self-defeating because you simply can't do it and would be like stepping off the roof of a third-story building expecting to fly under your own power. Not going to happen. You can not believe in gravity all you want but gravity doesn't care. The idea that nature is inherently bad or dirty while being spiritual is clean and good isn't correct either. Think of how many atrocities have been committed for 'the greater good' or because of "religious/spiritual" demands.

So what if the pleasure from sex is fleeting. Pleasure doesn't have to be eternal to be worthy. Remember the value of "the small things" and that "a bit of what you fancy does you good". Less frustration = less aggression, less stress and less biting the head off of the next person who looks at you cross-eyed thus leading to greater social harmony and thus less war.

And that's a good thing, yes?

As far as past traumas go, what happened was not your fault and was probably caused by that traumatizer's own frustration which he/she then took out on you rather than faced up to - which is the truest definition of being self-indulgent - pursuing one's own ends without regard for the welfare of others. In point of fact the Protect From Harm/Care ethos is hard-wired into the human mind and therefore those humans who traumatize others are more properly said to be acting against human nature - and thus, are being beasts.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 06 Oct 02:29

Dear all,
I figured that since I have shared my "downs" with you in this thread, it would be nice to share an "up":

Since a few weeks, I have managed to masturbate without pain or sadness, but with great amounts of pleasure. I waited for a while to share this, cause I wanted to make sure I could repeat it and I can; again and again!!! The best thing is: I did it all by myself! :) I am learning to get more at peace with myself and my body again, standing firmly on the ground with both feet. I am not yet on top of my game again, but this is a major breakthrough! And I guess that the past few months I simply didn't love myself enough to please myself. And that I simply hurt myself too much by denying myself. I am learning now how I drain myself by always trying to make everyone happy, forgetting about my own happiness and needs.

My bf has continued to deny me his touch; it's been nearly 6 months since we last made love and there's not much sexual activity in other ways; last time he pleasured me being about 4/5 months ago. So it's really all me doing this. It seems like I now stand for my own sexuality, instead of that it's so attached to him.

My guess is that he is unable to share his love with me, not only because of health reasons, but also because he just simply isn't happy with himself. He has literally said to me that he isn't happy with himself, which makes it hard for him to be happy with anyone else. He has also admitted to me a while ago that he rarely masturbates anymore, so it isn't just sexuality between him and me that's lacking. I now realize more than ever that no matter how hard I try and how much love I give him, I simply can't fill that void for him. He needs to come to terms with himself. I'll be there for him whenever he needs me for support. And that will be worth a hell lot more when I am strong! Even stronger than I was when this relationship started.

My struggle surely hasn't ended; my life is still all about ups & downs. I fell apart, but got back up again. And I now know I have the strength to push myself up, each time I stumble and fall. I guess that since there really is no-one to catch me, I finally learn to truly love and take care of myself.

Peace and love to you all!

RedRoses

Posted: 06 Oct 02:29

I'm very happy at the progress you have made RedRoses.Keep up the good work, and don't be too disappointed if you have a setback.As i am finding in my own journey the downs tend to be more frequent than the ups, so never give up hope.The more ups you have the better things will be.I'll keep you in my thoughts :)

raunchy gal

Posted: 06 Oct 02:29

I'm sorry you're struggling, but I know what you mean. I feel sad after masturbating too, in fact I usually cry. It's most definetely because I miss the intimacy that comes with being with my husband. I'm sure you feel the same. Try talking to him about it. You don't have to have sex, just cuddle or do something you both love to do.

SavvyMV

Posted: 06 Oct 02:29

Thank you for your kind reply, dear Savvy. Yes, we do talk. Though it sometimes is hard to make myself heard to someone in the distance. Confusing too to have that same person at one moment run into my arms and be caring, concerned and wants to hold me tight. The other he's so far I could jump up and down and scream murder, but he will not hear nor see me. Perhaps your experience is somewhat comparable?

Though he is very cuddly in nature, he didn't want anything physical for a long time. He seems to be getting a bit more at peace with himself now. So I hope that this positive development will continue. In the meanwhile I've learned quite a bit about myself. One of the most intriguing is that I have realized how I've fallen back into old behavior; ever since early childhood I've put the needs of my loved-ones before my own. And I thought I had broken with that pattern a few years ago. But it creeped up on me and I unconsciously did it all over again, especially in my times of depression and weakness. I'm aware of it (again) and am trying to change it (again) :) I guess life is all about trying, failing and growing. While at it you gain and you lose things. But most importantly; you gain "yourself".

RedRoses

Posted: 06 Oct 02:29

Dear RR,

Yes, he needs to reconcile to himself and accept who he is through his own efforts. You can catch him should he stumble along the way but this is one path he must tread on his own. Forgive the metaphors, please, but without the sense of accomplishment he won't reach his goal. I cannot encourage you strongly enough to remain positive in your life. There will be bad moments but what of it? The sun still shines and you still breathe.

In our house, we use 'black humor' such as "That's it! Under the bus with you! Then I can call the insurance company. I have them on speed dial." (No. I don't.)

"I like you best out of all my wives."
"What? Out of all your hundreds of wives?"
"Yes."
"And here I didn't think you even remembered me."
"Of course I remember you! Natalie, isn't it?" (Natalie is not my name.)

The more absurd, the better.
Do you see?

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 06 Oct 02:30

O, there's enough dark humor, sarcasm and word games; he's full of it. That actually makes things a bit lighter :)

A sense of accomplishment... I think that it's in great part about how someone perceives things and compares them; oneself, others, the past, the world, the illness or loss one struggles with, etc. Like how I went through the past months; at a certain point I knew what I wanted to feel, but it was not really there until I felt it. I guess that's true for him as well. I could tell him or he could tell himself a thousand times how he's an amazing person that should be loving himself, but it will not be real until he feels it. It's certainly not useless to say so, though. Being open to receiving such compliments is step 1 I'd say.

I am usually considered to be a positive person; I tend to see the good in a bad situation and motivate colleagues and friends with my enthusiasm. What struck me the past months was a little sentence from a book; people that are positively minded, are bound to be disappointed by reality eventually, because they will always see the world a bit too bright. Few weeks later I saw a tv show with a psychologist claiming that people who are depressed (not severely) are actually realistic. The state of mind we call "realistic" is a bit more positive than realty is, which is necessary for survival; else we wouldn't take any risks nor learn new things. So; what's reality anyways but how you interpret it? :)

RedRoses

Posted: 06 Oct 02:30

Reality is what's there when you're not. Gravity. Evolution. Light. These things, and others, exist independent of you. That's reality.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 06 Oct 02:30