OP: Would you date someone who was bisexual?

Well, as many here know, I am an actively bi-sexual woman. My primary relationship is another bi-sexual woman whom I have know all my life. After school, we went our separate ways for education, she married, had a son and was divorced; I lived with a fellow male student in med school and had a serious relationship that ended with his untimely death.

Eva and I are very content but each have an occasional need for some "penis time." We have very strict rules about that and neither of us would cheat. There are two things a man can do that another woman cannot: furnish a real, live penis to take into me; and, 2. leave a little deposit. The first is mainly physical (it feels much better than any substitute device) and the second, psychological. Biologically, we women are supposed to receive the semen to keep the species going and there is something very satisfying about doing that. Otherwise, my female partners (and there have been fewer of them than male partners) can do anything a man can do for me. In many cases with greater satisfaction for me.

What happens if either of us becomes serious with a man? I do not know.

So there is half the answer. Whether I would become knowingly involved with a bisexual male is doubtful. The risks are too high for me. I am "with" a man six or seven times a year. I do not want to be worrying about that limited, but very enjoyable, contact. Eva and I have talked this out to extremes and strangers are simply not allowed.

Brandye

Posted: 03 Oct 09:16

Thanks, Brandye. You would think, as a gay man, I would somehow understand or be more understanding of a different sexuality. But I must admit, bisexuals are a complete mystery to me. That by no means should lead anyone to think that I believe bisexuality is wrong. I guess I'd just like to understand the concept a little better.

You say you are in a relationship with another bisexual woman, but still have a "yen" for a man now and then. Do you believe a bisexual person MUST be in an open relationship?

oberon

Posted: 03 Oct 09:16

I really do not know the answer to that question. If Eva had remained married or if my fiance had not died, we each may have led very ordinary heterosexual lives. But, there have been studies concluding that up to thirty percent of married women do have homosexual partners at some point. While that figure seems high to me, I know many women who have outside affairs with other women - without their partners knowledge or consent. These are not casual contacts but women who are long time friends.

Neither Eva nor I have outside sexual contact with women. We have lesbian friends and, in fact, the racing crew for my sailboat is two bisexual women (Eva and I), one openly lesbian woman and a married housewife with three children. Sometimes we stretch our all girl rule and take either Eva's son or one of the married woman's teen sons. A little youthful muscle can help even in social racing.

So, open relationship? I never think of us as having that but I guess it meets the requirements. Certainly the married women I know who have girl friends are not open relationships. In some cases the husband could never understand. But while men are very likely to cheat with other women, women can very safely cheat with other women. And do not even have to douche!

Brandye

Posted: 03 Oct 09:17

LOL... Okaaaay....

I would consider an open relationship one where there was outside sexual "playing" but two committed partners. Playing without your partner's knowledge or consent would, in my book at least, be cheating. Male or female, gay, straight, or bisexual. I've said before that I know people who are in open relationships and I think it takes a very high level of commitment and trust. Thanks, Brandye, for your answers. They have been great.
************************************

Well, surely there are more people with opinions on this subject. There are no "wrong" answers. You are comfortable with what you are comfortable. That might be, "Yes, I'd become involved if I liked or thought I could love the person..." or it might be "No, I just couldn't handle knowing there was a part of my partner that I couldn't sexually satisfy." Or anything else anyone might want to add....
So anyone..?

oberon

Posted: 03 Oct 09:17

I am bi. Trust me, nothing turns my husband on more than I bring a friend home for sharing.

leggyho

Posted: 03 Oct 09:18

Hi leggyho, and welcome to the show...

Yes, it's almost a stereotype that straight men love bisexual women- the whole "I get two" thing. But I would also like to know if bisexuals could be in a monogamous relationship. Do you think that one person could ever be all you need?

Also, while the bisexual woman is, I think, becoming more acceptable, would you be okay if your husband were bisexual?

Thanks.

oberon

Posted: 03 Oct 09:18

Time for me to chime in here! ahhahaha.

Because there are no "absolutes" in the human condition, i can't just say there's no such thing as being bi.

As a gay man, who was married to a woman for 12 years, discovered after many years that i had been repressing my homosexuality. Why? Because society tells us since we're born that it's all about adam and even..men belong with women, etc....all major religions reinforce it, we're always bombarded with heterosexual images and morays.

Now, from a purely "sexual" standpoint.....it's pretty obvious that as an "act".....sex between 2 adults (m/m or f/f) is not uncommon. That's why I belive bisexuality is about sex......not identity.

Until i was 30 years old, i'd only had heterosexual sex. I lost my virginity to a woman at the age of 16 and had dozens of partners before i got married. I know i'm not alone either. That truely underscores the power of mind over matter.

Like i said, this is my own opinion, but i don't belive bisexuality is about inner happiness and true identity. I can have sex with a man or a woman (physically)..but in my heart and mind, i know that my only true happiness as it applies to a "life partner" will be with a man.

I could go on and on....trust me..hahahah..but i hope i've made my thoughts clear on this...again..i am NOT judging anyone..it's my view on the issue.

The only real "risk" is from a public perception standpoint. We have worked so hard over the past 20 years to help society understand that being GAY or str8 is not a CHOICE. Bisexuality flies in the face of that because - in my opinion - the overwhelming majority of those who identify as bisexual say it's about "choice."

I can "choose" who to have sex with..but i can't "choose" the genitalia of the one who i know in my heart will be my life partner. If you're a gay man its a man. If youre a gay woman, it's a woman. Just how i see it!

Rawbob

Posted: 03 Oct 09:18

A point, Rawbob. But could not bisexuality also be innate? A hormonal balance allowing you to be attracted to either sex?

oberon

Posted: 03 Oct 09:18

No I wouldn't at all. That is just my own personal preference. I would not like to know that my man would want another man. Now I don't care what you are. I am speaking about my man. That could be because I know for a fact that I am completely straight and would expect the same with my guy.

Tessie

Posted: 03 Oct 09:19

A very strong opinion, Tessie. And one I can somewhat agree with- I NEVER say never, that always gets me in trouble...lol. I think I would have a hard time with the idea that MY man fancied a woman, even if only occassionally.

oberon

Posted: 03 Oct 09:19

Okay, I'm going to respond with an intelligent sounding "Huh??" LOL

I can only assume you mean that the other woman would be only for your husband?

I am on another message board where a woman's husband just told her he's bisexual. She is being AMAZING about it! In fact, she is the one on this gay message board asking questions and trying to help him out!

Tessie, I would think that if your husband was a bisexual- he's not I know, but if he was- another man might be less of a threat to you than another woman. And if everyone is being open and honest, then you could confine new partners to other bisexual men and BOTH enjoy them. This woman on the other site was hoping they could find another guy who was better at DIY stuff than her husband! ...LOL

oberon

Posted: 03 Oct 09:19

No what I mean is that if we had another woman it would be for both of us. Hubby's fantasy is for me to be with another woman.

We have done it with another couple once and my expierence with the other woman wasn't good. For one thing I was extrememly nervous and to drunk to really enjoy anything.

I did enjoy her husband though.

I look at it this way that if we were to add another woman it would be for the soul purpose of enhancing our sex life. No different to me then watching porn, cyber sex, using the cam or any of the other things we engage in.

I do know that if we were to ever do something like that I would have to be turned on by the woman too. One should never do something for the sole reason of pleasing their partner if they really don't want to.

Tessie

Posted: 03 Oct 09:20

Not to be too picky, but if you are engaging in sex with another woman, that would make it bisexual and not straight sex. That's where the "Huh?" came in.

You can swing and still be totally straight, but if you have interest in the same sex, in my opinion, you are in bisexual territory. And that holds true- again, in my opinion- whether or not you actually have sex with someone.

But I absolutely agree that any experimenting should be done because YOU want to, not to please someone else.

oberon

Posted: 03 Oct 09:20

I suppose that I don't think of it as bisexual because to me that would imply that I would think of being with a woman for other reasons other then just for sexual pleasure.

Now I don't know squat about bisexuals and how or what they think. I just know that my husbands biggest fantasy is to have me with another woman. Typical hetro man thing I guess.LOL.

Tessie

Posted: 03 Oct 09:20

I find this string of posts interesting!

It's amazing how strong our psycho-sexual fantasies drive ourreality.

It's ok for a man to want to see his female partner with another female. Some females even embrace this and engage in F/F sex to satisfy their man.

However, there are so few who embrace the contrary.

If you were to ever go on "gay boards" or even all the Yahoo groups out there that are chock-full of married guys who meet guys for sex, but still love their wives. They are absolutly sure that if their wife found out about their liking sex with a guy that they'll be divorced - or worse yet ...branded as being gay (that was tounge-in-cheek folks).

Not that anything we do or say here will make a difference, but trust me ladies.....almost EVERY man has has some sexual contact with anther man during their life.

My xwife and i were swingers too, and i got to the point where i used to say, "hey, if you want to swing with us, then it's all up for fun......you can't just say 'i want to watch our wives play'....i always said...if we're all naked in bed..then eveyrone's game for anything.....you can't handle that..then move on. It's amazing how almost EVERY COUPLE would balk at first, but once we got behind closed doors (where no one would see us)....how MUCH did indeed happen.

Ok...rant over!

I THINK TESSIE ROCKS!

Rawbob

Posted: 03 Oct 09:20

Yes, and I wonder at the balking at certain terminology. There is another poster on here- Greendale- who seems like a very intelligent and nice person, but he keeps making statements like "I would have sex with another man, BUT I'm NOT bisexual and DEFINITELY NOT gay!".

Are these labels so offensive that people can't just say, "Okay this is what I like." ? It's like people say, "I want to do this, but I don't want to be classified with THOSE people."

I just don't get it.

oberon

Posted: 03 Oct 09:21

Rawbob and Oberon you two are just so sweet. I think you both rock too. In fact I finally told my husband that I am on this board just so I could read some of the post I respond to here.

I don't know anyone personally that is gay. So reading your intelligent and caring responses on this board have been very nice.

Not that I didn't think gay's were nice or intelligent already. LOL

So anyhoo, I read this whole thread to hubby. He stands by his stance that he has never thought of another man in that way. He could be lying to me or himself. He did say that if he was gay then his dream man would be that Van Disel or that Matrix guy. LOL

In which I said "Honey if you could get them I wouldn't mind it if you were gay."

On a serious note I do think that people rely on labels in order to know where they fit in society. We are good at saying what we are or are not. When that gets clouded it confuses the person and others that know them.

I know that if my husband all of sudden started talking about having a desire to be with a man even if it was just for sexual reasons I would question then on who he really is.

I know for me I have lived along time with labels that I have attached to myself and I am trying not to do that and to be who I am and not what others expect me to be.

Did I make any sense at all there?

Tessie

Posted: 03 Oct 09:21

Vin Diesel, okay...EEWWWW! LOL But Keanu Reeves, now. MMMMM, as long as you aren't expecting scintillating conversation- but when he looks like that who wants to talk??- he would be great!

And I really don't want to make a big deal out of labels. I just think it's very telling how strongly people still react to certain names. Sort of, "I am fine with gay people, but DON"T label me that way!" Especially when gay people put up with the assumption everyday that they are straight. Because I am listed as male whenever they ask on computer sites, I constantly get emails saying "Meet single women in your area" and I want to write back and say "Boy, are you barking up the wrong tree!" lol

I don't care whether someone considers themselves gay, straight or bi. I just get annoyed at the strong reactions when someone makes a mistake. Tom Cruise and Tom Selleck spring to mind. Both have vehemently denied "accusations" (yes, "accusations" not just questions) that they were gay. Selleck stated that he had no problem with gay people, but he had children and didn't want them to think he was gay. How hard is it to say "Whatever!! I'm married; I have two children; I've NEVER had sex with a man, but if you want to label me as gay, fine." I think that would do more to dispel untrue rumors than angry denial.

Tessie, I understand what you are saying about a sudden revelation. But, unfortunately, if someone has these feelings, they tend to keep them to themselves for fear of being rejected for them. So a lot of the time- especially for men- they come out later in a long-term relationship. (Don't you or your husband freak out, I'm NOT talking about you specifically...lol) And there is the sad fact that many gay men refuse to deal with being gay, and get married to try to "fix" themselves. Which never works, and usually only hurts innocent by-standers- like the unsuspecting wife and children.

Hopefully as gays gain more acceptance, these things will be discussed more openly and we'll have fewer shocks.

oberon

Posted: 03 Oct 09:21