OP: Coming out - how to tell girlfriends?

I am heterosexual. Do you care?

What is it that is so compelling and important that a person must broadcast to the world at large or to the people in "their world" that you are Gay or Bi-? I just do not understand the driving need to share.

Even more obnoxious are the constant innuendos and sexually related references people interject into conversations. It is almost like they have a constant need to validate themselves. I wonder how it would go over if I began every post with the opening statement used here?

dancingdoc2

Posted: 30 Sep 06:39

i want to tell them because i love them and they deserve to know. if i don't tell them they will assume i am hetero and i would be lying to them

they are my best friends, they deserve to know who i really am. it is so liberating to admit your true self to someone you care about. that doesn't make it any less nerve-wracking.

i do not plan on telling every aquiantance i make, just my close friends and eventually family. i spoke to my sister about this who is an outspoken lesbian and i feel better.

it is strictly a need to know basis of course, but i want to be able to be myself around them without pretending that i'm not attracted to that woman over there,
do you understand?
it burns a hole inside your gut not to tell someone.

chibacochoke

Posted: 30 Sep 06:39

Chib...look, you should never feel like you must tell them your orientation.

They should not assume you are straight. If you dont tell and they dont ask, then you never lied to them in the first place.

I know it can be nerve wracking for someone to admit to (an uncle who is gay) but its something that must just come out naturally. It cant be forced

Ducy

Posted: 30 Sep 06:39

that's the thing, i don't feel forced or obligated, i just love them and want them to know.

here's a great quote from DVDbear on this forum:

"If you're in a relationship with another man (or a woman with a woman) that is your life partner and would appreciate others considering this person as such I think it becomes a bit of a necessity, doesn't it? Sorry, I'm not content with leaving people with the assumption he's my "friend"; that is demeaning to our relationship, which is not just about what we do in the bedroom. Heterosexuality is considered "the norm" and people are presumed (most of the time) to be straight; declaring yourself as such would be pointless. When people meet me on a casual basis they assume I'm straight, since there's nothing that would clue them in otherwise. And if that's the extent of our contact I have no "compulsion" to declare my sexual orientation. If it's someone with whom I'm going to have a longer or close involvement it's important they know this since they will be laboring under a misconception that directly affects how they would perceive me, my relationship with my partner and many scenarios that come up in social situations."

chibacochoke

Posted: 30 Sep 06:40

Many homosexual and bisexual people of both genders become so happy when they recognize this in themselves that they have a need to tell the world. This relief is likely more felt by pure homosexuals than by those of us who are bisexual.

There are consequences. Some bi-sexual women go through stages during which they lean one way or the other; many live their entire lives integrating the two. I have lived parts of my life as a lesbain and parts as a straight woman. Part of my life (after a traumatic death) I was asexual. Most of my life I have swung both ways, very discreetly. Think through why you have this need to tell your friends and determine what really would be different. You will likely determine that for most it is irrelevant. Forget it. For others, there is some need to know to understand you. Tell them. Broadcasting can do more harm than good.

I have never denied my bisexuality. I have never advertised it, either.

Brandye

Posted: 30 Sep 06:40

thank you brandye. i don't intend to broadcast it, but there are people in my life who i know would be hurt if i didn't tell them, and i also want to tell them.

chibacochoke

Posted: 30 Sep 06:40

I am in menopause. My sister is through menopause. I discovered a few months ago that she really was offended by my bisexuality. It has been thirty-five years since I first had sex - first, with a boy; a few months later, with a girl. She was aware all that time and it has taken this long to start healing our relationship.

Brandye

Posted: 30 Sep 06:40

I've experimented with both sides. Though I don't classify myself as anything, I can understand the need to tell others. It's almost like a release, most of society drills it into us that the ideal is man and woman. So it almost makes you feel wrong and like your trying to hide something. By telling those you're closest too, you can finally be free from having to hide. The fewer barriers we have between us, the closer and perhaps stronger our relationship.

Just my thoughts anyway, I don't exactly broadcast my sexual adventures to others, but the ones I do it's....interesting.

Thresher_V

Posted: 30 Sep 06:40

Well, consider it militant or whatever . . . . I really don't give a fig if someone is "offended" by my orientation . . . . their problem, not mine. That goes for family and friends. Luckily, I have not lost (to my knowledge) anyone because they couldn't deal with it, and that's been a very positive and affirming experience. I lived on both sides of the closet . . . . being out is better than being in, no comparison. If someone has a problem with you based only on your sexual personality it's time to seriously re-evaluate the relationship with that person. Nobody has a right to make a value judgment of you on that basis.

As for doc's comments, we had this exchange in the other thread that chibacochoke quoted me from . . . . . obnoxiousness about one's orientation happens in all areas, gay or straight. I don't know if it's more common with gays or not . . . . possibly, because of being in the minority and suppressed in so many avenues of society it is, especially when they think (perhaps incorrectly) that they're with sympathetic and accepting companions. But there's plenty of boisterous hetero bravado as well . . . . . I've been subjected to enough straight innuendos of who did what to what woman (or would like to) to last me a lifetime. It's annoying sometimes, but frankly I take it as a bit of a compliment that they feel comfortable enough around me to pump up the testosterone like that. :D

DVDBear

Posted: 30 Sep 06:41

I understand what you mean, Chiba. I would just tell those who you know would "need" to know. Most of my gfs know that I am bi, but not all of them. In fact, I can think of a very, very dear friend of mine who has no idea that I like women. We've been great friends for over 13 yrs. There is always that fear of them feeling uncomfortable around you, but I have learned to look at it as, well, that's their business. It hasn't stopped any of them from spending the night or coming over. Some of them change in other rooms now, but it's okay. Yeah, it made me a little sad, knowing a certain sort of intimacy was lost, but I'd much rather have them as my friends than not at all.

Suki2007

Posted: 30 Sep 06:41

I'm with doc. You're making this out to be a much bigger deal than it actually is... A bisexual teenage girl? Not even the least bit uncommon. It's not exactly the sort of thing that warrants a "coming out" party. Sorry, but I wouldn't even say that you were ever in the closet to begin with...

I have known plenty of people who at least claimed to be bisexual. It was of absolutely no interest to me. What the **** do I care about what someone's attracted to?

Making a big announcement out of being bisexual is about the same as holding a press conference to tell the world that you like french fries and chocolate milkshakes. Expect this revelation to be greeted to a tidal wave of complete indifference...

oedipussy

Posted: 30 Sep 06:41

Where in her original post is she talking about making a proclamation to the world? She's talking about telling a few of her girl friends. If someone is a close friend don't you think they might want to know this fact? What if she gets involved with someone, forms a relationship? As a close friend wouldn't you feel a little weird if she all of a sudden started referring to this person as her partner and you didn't know? "Oh, didn't I mention it? Must have slipped my mind."

As I've said before unless there is some obvious tip off in your actions or mannerisms the presumption is that you are straight, because the majority of people are. Therefore letting people close to you know that you are not isn't trumpeting your difference, it's sharing an intimate aspect of who you are with people you care about.

DVDBear

Posted: 30 Sep 06:41

No, I wouldn't feel weird about it at all. What effect does it have on me? None. Being bisexual doesn't change anything. I have the same chance to have a sexual relationship with a bisexual woman as I do with a straight one...

I don't make it a point to tell my close friends, or anyone for that matter, that I'm attracted to tall, skinny girls with B-C cups and long legs. Why? Because it's not important to anyone other than me. No one would care. How is this any different?

The way I understand it, "coming out" is when someone has pretended to be something they're not and decides to come clean. And since bisexuals are at least partially straight, that doesn't apply to them. Sure, if it comes up in casual conversation, go ahead and tell them. Why not? But it's not a big deal and doesn't need to be "revealed" to anyone.

oedipussy

Posted: 30 Sep 06:41

Oed you make a good point, but when it comes to "coming out" your not defining the specific "look" you like, your more defining what...well gender you like. Yes males and females do look different so I guess you could still be defining the look but still. Saying I am gay and saying I like a woman who is 5'5" 110 pounds, C-cup with slim legs and a nice firm but :p is a lot different...mostly because the "socially accepted" norm is a woman not a man (in a males case)

But DVD I believe that it really shouldnt matter about coming out. I mean for a straight person at least. Saying your bi is like expanding your dating range so to speak. I mean you throw people for a loop but its not major since you still are half what they assumed. Coming out to being gay throws everyone totally off since everything is now reversed (in a sense).

To be honest. I really dont care. I mean if someone admitted to me they were gay, so what? Doesnt change you as a person. You were gay when we became friends, so what changes it now that you admit it?

It would bother me if the person pretended to be straight, would let me change in front of them and was secretly getting their rocks off to it. I mean I would feel violated. Like a man claiming to be gay so a female friend is comfortable changing and stuff around them and then masturbating to it later. Just totally screwed up.

Ducy

Posted: 30 Sep 06:41

Which is exactly why she is nervous about telling her friends. Because it is generally assumed a person is straight, it could feel - to her friends - like she lied about it and they may think to themselves, "Was she perving on me when I'd get naked?"

Suki2007

Posted: 30 Sep 06:42

my bisexuality is a very intimate part of who i am. it's a big deal to me.

this is an important part of my life. i feel like i can finally feel the things i've always wanted to. it's a completely invigorating thing to finally allow myself to feel desire for a woman.
i want to share this revelation with my friends because it means a lot to me.

whether you consider it coming out or not doesn't matter.
you may not think bisexuality is a big thing, and it may not be to many, but in my life it's big.

it's not as if i don't know anything about coming out or homosexuality. my older sister is a lesbian who was outed when she wasn't ready. it was terrible for her because she wasn't yet prepared for the harsh reality of judgement in a small conservative town.
i just wanted mine to be a positive experience, and so far it has been.

my best friend anna already knew, and another girlfriend doesn't seem to mind although she seems uncomfortable when i mention how i find certain women attractive.

chibacochoke

Posted: 30 Sep 06:42

Guys, I admire your progressive thinking, but if you believe it "doesn't matter" to a significant portion of the population you're not living in the real world. Maybe within your generation this is more the prevailing attitude, and that's great. But you don't have to look far to find a ton of evidence to the contrary. Of course I agree it shouldn't matter . . . . if someone doesn't feel comfortable around me because of my orientation I'm not going to lose sleep over it. But it's still a HUGELY stressful situation for most people to tell close friends and family they're gay or bi. And "coming out" is just that, not just correcting lies you may have told. You may never have said you're straight, but if people have assumed you are and you never clarified it you're in the closet to those people. I didn't come out until I was 39, but I never told anyone I was straight . . . . still it came as a big surprise to most to learn I wasn't. When you "come out" you're picking the time to reveal this to the close people in your life, hopefully in a way that's comfortable for you both and the best setting . . . . in my case I couldn't really really see it working very well to leave everyone with the wrong assumption and then show up with another man at some point and say "This is my boyfriend". Yeah, that's not gonna be awkward. :rolleyes: As far as the whole bi thing being "half straight", true . . . . but many bi people end up in a gay relationship for an extended period of time (like Brandye). Just because they would have, have had or will have sexual relations with the opposite sex doesn't change the fact their primary relationship is gay in those situations.

DVDBear

Posted: 30 Sep 06:42

Yea your right DVD. I had a huge discussion with a close friend of mine and it made me realize that even though coming out isnt a big deal to me. (I mean finding out a friend is gay) It is a big deal to other people. It just comes down to the way they grew up, or just the attitude they developed from outside stimulation (i.e. hardcore religious background, or very laid back background)

Oh and chib, dont think I was saying it isnt a big dea, as in you should just get over it. I was trying to tell you that you should calm down a bit because to some people it isnt a big deal. So you shouldnt fear that everyone will respond badly.

Ducy

Posted: 30 Sep 06:42