OP: Coming out - how to tell girlfriends?

that's alright ducy, i'm new at this and still pretty sensitive about it i guess.
i've told about 5 people, and all of them have congratulated me on having courage, and all of them told me they love me just the same.
it makes me proud of who i am.
it makes me want others to know, although i am still wary about the shouting it from the rooftops effect.
but i figure, the more people know about the easier it will be to meet other people like me.
i've never met an openly bisexual woman or lesbian woman in my age rage besides my sister and her ex-girlfriends. where i live is a small conservative town, in fact my english prof once said "there are roughly 10 democrats in the county" as a joke.
it's tough to meet people here man!

chibacochoke

Posted: 30 Sep 06:43

Chib;

Given the fact you are in such a conservative town, I would only tell those who have a need to know. People who are that conservative may in fact not heed your new findings open minded. Additionally, with people who have the mentality of conservative upbringings may reject your feelings. As far as your sister being a lesbian, there is a question most may assume you are as well.

I fear people with "little minds" may alienate you to a degree whereas where I am in NY, it's thought nothing of. You have to ask your self what is the gain from telling others and what is the fallout which you may suffer from doing so. Give it time, people may draw their own assumptions if you are dating a woman without you having to say a word. If you wish for real advice, join a national or state organization such as NOW (National Organization of Women).

With all due respect, here in NY, very few would thing twice about your choice. As a straight woman, I could not care less if my friends are gay/bi but it does not mean in small towns other may share the same sentiment. A persons sexuality has no effect on my feelings on their friendship since I understand and accept theirs as they accept mine. I do not attempt or reject their lifestyle [or try to convert them] and they do the same for me. If anything they have shown me the other side of life which was not something I ever knew of. I despise people who are intolerant & close minded--yes, I have also been a Republican & Catholic for years. Yet I do believe people have individual choice of how to lead their own lives without politics or religion entering into defining their beliefs/feelings.

All in all, give it a chance & in time you will find who are your true friends through acceptance--it will become self apparent to those who surround you.

sera300

Posted: 30 Sep 06:43

i feel terrible. there is a guy who i was kind of with and another guy who i met at a party and they both have told me they like me.
i want to tell them that i'm not really looking for anything right now because i'm trying to find my way around the new openly bisexual me.
but there hasn't been a natural way to tell some of my other friends yet, it would be weird if these guys knew and my friends didn't.
but they think my explanation of "i have something i need to work out but i'm not ready to talk about it yet" is lame.
i know i shouldn't worry about it but i hate not being able to explain myself.
i like to be able to say exactly how, why, when, and how.

my question is should i tell my friends first, the guys first, or just ignore the situation altogether?(though that would make me feel guilty, like i do now)

chibacochoke

Posted: 30 Sep 06:43

The only thing you need to tell these guys is that you're not interested in a serious relationship at this time. It has more to do with wanting to be free than your sexuality...

If you really feel that you have to: Tell your close friends first. With the guys, drop it into a casual conversation. I don't know what it's like in "small coservative towns", but here in the big city no one would even bat an eye over something like this. And I'm pretty sure that people in your age range will mostly find this very normal and acceptable, regardless of where you live. Stop stressing about it.

oedipussy

Posted: 30 Sep 06:43

dont really have a problem with being bi...its self liberating for me...but my friends and family seem to have a problem with it...is there an easy way to soften the blow of coming out to them?
replies needed!!!! and greatly appreciated!!!

Cowgirl121

Posted: 30 Sep 07:33

> i dont really have a problem with being bi...its self liberating for me...but my friends and family seem to have a problem with it.

> is there an easy way to soften the blow of coming out to them?
replies needed!!!! and greatly appreciated!!!

I'm confused: your first statement suggests that they already know. If this is the case why the second question? Or, do you mean these people have a problem with anybody being bisexual and because you are, informing them that you are can be difficult?

This topic has been discussed a few times yet I continue to wonder why the overwhelming need to inform others of your sexuality. Why is it so necessary that I/we know you are bisexual or Lesbian? Your sexuality and preference for a lover is your business alone.

Do you hear from all your heterosexual friends and relatives that they are?

I have two longtime Gay friends and at the time I met each of them as part of the introduction I was informed that "I am Gay"--or words to that effect. I don't care! It happens to be quite obvious one is, the other I wouldn't have known, nor do I particularly care, that he is.

Unless or until having a live in girlfriend with whom you are seen socializing with, I do not see a need to tell anybody. People are smart and can also conclude whether or not you are smitten with someone or she/he is just a friend tagging along. Roommates? Is it important that others know which bed or bedroom they use? When I was single, I rented a room in my house on a couple of occasions. Did I explain that I'm heterosexual and that my spare room was being rented? Guess.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 30 Sep 07:34

Ok I am a bit confused...

You filled in the sex survey in the members poll thread, stating that your
sexual preference was "bi-Curious".....and you lost your virginity 2 months ago.

If you are just "Curious" why even tell anyone until you have actually decided which road you want to travel... By most of your answers in the poll you seem to have no experience in either bi or hetro sex...

nuttychick

Posted: 30 Sep 07:34

I assume what you're saying is that you know they have a problem with the concept of bi-sexuality but don't know you are.

Your personal situation aside for a moment, I agree with Doc on one thing . . . this has been discussed (gay or bi-sexual) in other threads and the same ground keeps getting covered. I don't feel like cutting and pasting or putting links. But specifically to several of his points -

"Do you hear from all your heterosexual friends and relatives that they are?"

Heterosexuality is the NORM, therefore people ASSUME you are, therefore no reason to STATE you are. And for that matter, there is a level of "announcement" that even goes with being hetero. Should I be annoyed in social situations when a man introduces a woman as a "girlfriend" or (even more obviously "fiancee" or "wife") they're sharing information about an implied level of intimacy? Are they forcing that information down my throat? I'm neither offended or feel it's inappropriate because if they're a friend I like to know if they've got a potential special person in their lives.

"Unless or until having a live in girlfriend with whom you are seen socializing with, I do not see a need to tell anybody. People are smart and can also conclude whether or not you are smitten with someone or she/he is just a friend tagging along."

If people don't know you're gay then they will assume you are not and may or may not know there's another dynamic going on with the girl / boy you keep showing up with. They may suspect, but why should the waters be muddied like that with people close to you? I was in the closet for thirty-nine years and can tell you from personal experience people don't automatically assume something else is going on with this person you keep showing up with. They didn't with me until I told people I was in fact gay and that I was involved with this guy. And unless they lied to me (and I don't think they did) they were very relieved to know this because now they knew how to react to our relationship. And they were glad, because, as I mentioned earlier, if friends are true friends and family members are supportive they want you to be happy.

I honestly don't understand why this gets under your skin so much. If someone continually states their sexuality at every opportunity and makes themselves obnoxious about it that's a different story. That happens in both gay AND straight situations, and it's irritating no matter what the orientation. But a simple clarification, once, telling someone you're gay and this is your partner or whatever isn't some over the top social assault.

Again, it would be silly in reverse because I already have that information . . . . I assume you're straight unless you tell me otherwise.

Back to the original poster, if what Nuttychick has mentioned is correct then yes, by all means wait. Despite my comments above this isn't anything that has to be done immediately. You might want to talk to some social service organizations, gay youth councillors, and, if you're absolutely sure this is something you need to do maybe talk to PFLAG about some pointers. It's a delicate situation. You know your family and friends, and it could bring about rejection from some. You need to know the risks involved and decide if they're worth taking. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. :)

DVDBear

Posted: 30 Sep 07:34