OP: Post Pregnancy Sex

There are many advantages to breastfeeding. The milk is rich in antibodies, protecting infants from disease, illness and infection; its ingredients are tailor made to provide babies the right form of protein and nutrients. The first part of the breast feed, known as foremilk, is watery and meant to quench a baby's thirst. The second part, the hindmilk, is thicker and higher in calories. It is very important for baby to complete the feed cycle from each breast; otherwise, he might become restless and potentially develop colic. Breast-feeding is also comforting and nurturing for both tired mum and nursing babe.

With that said, there's nothing wrong with you having a taste every once in a while, but seriously, leave some for the baby! They are the one that really ought to have priority on her, for both cognitive and physical development. A father's support during the months of breastfeeding a baby are critical, so as much as you want to have sex with your wife, hounding her with expectations for sex and milk will likely only turn her off more! It's pretty likely that your wife feels like a dairy queen right now. Having baby being entirely dependent on her for food and you trying to latch on every chance you get probably makes her feel like she's nursing two demanding babies. Stop to think that there might only be a limited about of milk supply to go around. What about how sore her nipples must feel from having a baby constantly suckling on them? Did you know that some women lose the ability altogether to become aroused when breastfeeding? While they're being used as a milk factory, the thought of you doing anything erotic with her breasts probably puts her off.

Nursing and being a new mom is tough work. Her body has just gone through a massive transition, so anything you can do to ease the process will relieve her stress, so that yes, eventually she'll have sex with you. Try being enthusiastic and supportive: when the baby cries at night, get up and change him before passing him to your wife to feed; when she's busy nursing, offer to bring her juice to drink, and a book to read; or, simply just keep her company.

Being considerate of her feelings and inclinations will likely make her more considerate of yours. Talk to her calmly and rationally about your own needs – in fairness, 9 months with little, or no, sex is not reasonable. Discuss and compromise on how both your needs might be met; if full intercourse is a problem, perhaps other forms of sex may not be! Also, if she does not want to participate in your sex & milk play, then drop it! In any case, direct that sexual angst towards behavior that will pay off for you both. Helping her through the process will put her at ease and create an emotional environment that is much more conducive to desire and intimacy.

Posted: 17 Aug 19:27

Can someone please help me. My wife and I have just had our first child. The child is now 5 months old and our sexlife has gone way down hill. Sex for her is painful now due to the fact that she tore pretty badly giving birth. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to make it better for her:confused: :confused:

Athletic Male

Posted: 30 Sep 18:34

Some women are anxious to resume at their six week check; others take a long time. Nine months of pregnancy takes its toll. Every woman experiences some anxiety the first time - no matter how many children she has had. If it hurts, that increases the anxiety next time and on and on.

The concern is the pain she is experiencing. The doctor who delivered and knows the details of the tear should examine her closely and should be able to do any repair that is necessary or make appropriate referral. Even without tearing, some few women have issues with the episiotomy. She should definitely check with her ob/gyn.

Brandye

Posted: 30 Sep 18:36

My wife had our second child two years ago and there was extensive tearing. Putting my wife back together as she puts it took longer than giving birth. She wanted sex sooner than she could have it. It still feels a little different for her and she has spoken to her dr. It doesn't hurt anymore. It just feels different. She was really comfortable having sex about 8 months after the birth.

Want_to_be _better

Posted: 30 Sep 18:36

I tore COMPLETELY during childbirth, and if I recall correctly it was a good 8 months or more before I would even consider it. A few more after that to actually get beck into the swing of things.

Gypsy

Posted: 30 Sep 18:36

when should you have sex again after having a baby?

Bodyofproof1984

Posted: 30 Sep 20:12

... just a "could" combined with a "want"! :)

6 weeks after a regular birth is the classic doctor's advice. But practically; it's when the bloodflow stops. Unlike sex during menstruation, sex during bloodflow after birth could risk serious infection. Which could stop as early as 3 weeks after birth. If there was a tear or epi; that off course also needs to have healed completely before attempting sex. Consult your doctor when in doubt aespecially when your situation somehow wasn't as "regular"- to get yourself the medical "go".

When a woman wants sex after birth depends on so many more things. Emotionally; just the experience of giving birth and the being a mother to a newborn can be enough reason to not feel ready for sex. Physically; the body needs some time to normalize hormonally, which does tend to influence the sexual desire. The vaginal area can still be very sensitive and hurt (particularly after a cut this can take months). Women sometimes do not lubricate as easily, particularly when breastfeeding. You could solve the latter by using lube. Or by having sex without penetration, of course. Some women soon after birth feel scared of becoming pregnant again, which also needs to be respected and usually passes over time as long as there's no pressure from their partner (or themselves!).

Point being; there's nothing wrong with you when you don't feel ready yet. Nothing weird about it when your sexual fire is burning!

I hope this reply helps. If you're asking for yourself then I hope you've had a beautiful birth and baby. Wishing you all the best!

RedRoses

Posted: 30 Sep 20:13

It is generally recommended that you wait until the first post-natal exam which is generally scheduled at six weeks after delivery. The determining factor, medically, is the healing of the episiotomy (perionotomy), if one was done. Otherwise, you may be cleared earlier, about four weeks, depending uponhow the interior organs had been affected.

It will take a while until the woman is really in the mood. Her sexual parts have been out of sorts for a long time and the excess weight and breast development may deter her.

Brandye

Posted: 30 Sep 20:13

Just for my own curiosity, all this talk is in regards to penetrative penis/vagina sex right? I mean, if say a few days after or whatever the mother wanted an orgasm you could do maybe oral or just a clean gentle finger on the outside right? My wife was out of sorts for weeks, but I've known female friends that could barely hold out a few days. I'm sure there's a whole heap of "use your own judgement", but I was just looking at it from a functional standpoint. if you're not stretching anything or poking anything or whatnot, does the excitement and orgasm itself cause issue?

Firmus

Posted: 30 Sep 20:13

Let me take side-track first in order to get to my opinion.

The main priority after birth for the mother's body is triggering the uterus to contract. On the inside of the uterus where the placenta was attached, there will be a wound after birth. The placenta needs to be expelled. And the uterus needs to become small and firm in order to prevent the woman from bleeding out and to start healing. Nature has designed an eloquent system for this, with all kinds of "little helpers" in place. A baby's natural instinct is to do a "breast-crawl" meaning it will move it's little legs as if it's crawling or walking up the stairs in order to get from the mother's abdomen to her breasts. This movement on her abdomen helps the uterus contract. Once the baby latches on and starts sucking to breastfeed, one of the benefits is that this triggers waves of the hormone oxytocine, triggering the uterus to contract. Women who breastfeed therefor tend to heal faster and have less trouble with long after-bleeding, anemia, etc. While the oxytocine also has the benefit of triggering more hormonal processes, including those that make you feel bliss, sooth pain and make you feel like bonding to whoever you're facing (guess who! :))

It's a combination of processes many (ex)breastfeeding moms will recognize; you breastfeed, you feel it in your pelvic area too. You orgasm and you start lactating too.

An orgasm also releases oxytocine, with all it's benefits. And an orgasm also makes the uterus contract. Therefor I'd say achieving an orgasm couldn't be wrong for the healing process, could even be beneficial.

So if the mom feels comfortable and wants to, I'd say go for it! :)

There's just the aspect of hygiene to take into account. There's an internal wound and sometimes external wound that need to be prevented from getting infected. For instance; women are generally advised to avoid baths the first weeks after birth for the same reason (shower is perfectly fine and if bathing is preferred or is considered beneficial to support healing of a cut or tear, then a special mild disinfectant like kamillosan should be used in the water instead of regular soap). So I wouldn't think of oral sex, given the excessive amount of bacteria that live inside the mouth. Given the bleeding -which is far more excessive than menstruation and includes rather large amounts of tissue- oral doesn't seem much practical either ;)

RedRoses

Posted: 30 Sep 20:13

The mouth harbours more bacteria and other nasty stuff than the vagina. Oral is out until healing is complete. Not many women are interested in someone poking around, clean finger or not, after what they have been through. Firmus, you sound like some of our youthful members who keep looking for the loophole that will allow them to do what they want to do.

Her body has been through a lot. If she wants to do herself, that is up to her and she may after a few weeks just to reassure herself. Couples tend to see the "six week check" as a milestone. Certainly each couple can come to grips with meeting some of his needs while not putting her at risk.

Brandye

Posted: 30 Sep 20:14

I totally agree on the mom being in charge of setting the agenda, Brandye. But I've reread Firmus' post and I don't see why you would respond like he's asked something wrong...

I think he's actually making a good point that "sex" holds very different definitions, instead of the focus on penetration that everyone is always so set on. I've been to several workshops for pregnant and breastfeeding women (moms bringing along their babies along as young as 1 week old). And it's fascinating how many women are actually walking around with questions regarding sexuality that they don't dare to ask. Or when they do ask, get very short answers instead of proper information from their doctors and nurses. Getting signaled that they're "not supposed to be concerned about such matters now". When really; there's nothing wrong with a mom when she's not interested in sexuality at all. Nothing wrong with a mom when she is.

RedRoses

Posted: 30 Sep 20:14

I agree, Red, and if cuddling is on the menu, fine. It will undoubtedly result in an erection but any woman who has become a mother, at least willingly, certainly knows a few tricks to take care of that.

What I was responding to was the tendency of some to keep modifying criteria. Perhaps I was a bit harsh in my choice of words and for that I apologize. But, for godsake, no cunnilingus until all, internal and external, healing is complete!

Brandye

Posted: 30 Sep 20:14

No worries ladies! Those are the answers I was looking for. :)

I just remember my wife's doctor saying "no sex for 6 weeks", and I'm a very detail oriented type of man. I always seek clarification, but for some reason I had not back then. I was still fairly closed up a number of years ago, sexually, so I've harbored those thoughts a number of years. Hence my question above. With my oldest at 10 and my youngest being 6, that show how long I've been backwards. Haha!

And Brandye, I've always very much liked your straight forward "gruff" responses to me. That's my favorite quality of yours in this extremely limited relationship. If I'm being a dumbass please tell me with those swift words of yours. :)

Firmus

Posted: 30 Sep 20:14

Thank you, Firmus. Perhaps I can become a bit clinical and perhaps my occasional insensitivity to the male point of view both come into play. In any case, Thanks.

Brandye

Posted: 30 Sep 20:14

My wife and I have been together for a few years now and she has seemingly lost interest in almost everything, especially sex. Things were great in every aspect of our life until we had our first kid, 7.5 months ago. We were both very fit (6.0 ft 200 athletic build, me) (5.4 ft 115 slim build, her). Sex was great multiple times a day, everyday, multiple positions, long duration...pretty much the Shit you dream of. Money was good. Work was good. We had tons of fun, went out, friends, etc. In those years we were separated for quite some time (military) but the changes upon returning were minimal and things were still good. After having our first kid she just went south at such a drastic rate I just don't know what to do anymore.

I am still in decent shape although I lost a little muscle mass since then I still look quite fit, and a seemingly endless amount of energy. Since then she has made absolutely no attempt to lose any baby weight, staying at about 150 and goes to bed by 8 every night leaving me wondering Wtf do I do now. I have been patient and understanding when it comes to this realizing she had a baby...but it has been almost 8 months now and I'm ready for her to lose it. Sex now is non existant and rather pathetic when it does happen, she used to cum multiple times and not be able to get enough, now it is her asking are you done yet. I have noticed the angle of penetration has changed since giving birth and the only position that she finds comfortable is missionary with minimal enthusiasm, once again I have been supportive and encouraged seeing the ob/gyn about this because it doesn't seem to be going back to normal. She used to be the wettest girl I has ever been with, now...dry to the point that I blow through lube like the French quarter during mardi gras.

Some say...hormones, could be true and once again I have been patient, understanding and supportive but like I said...8 months. I am decently endowed, fairly thick...not comically or anything. The lack of arousal causes an uncomfortable tightness for me during sex, you know how when a female is aroused their vagina will relax and expand to acomodate, well it doesn't. Contrary to what most men would say, I prefer a more of a relaxed fit when it comes to that and beforehand she was borderline loose which was perfect, I had the fit I liked and was thick enough to fill her up and satisfy her. To my knowledge she had always been horny wet and loose, she had been able to fist herself since the age of 16, somehow having a baby made her get tighter to the point of it hurting... With generous amounts of lube, whatever go figure. I am still quite adventurous and enjoy foreplay, toys and such, you guessed it...no interest.

Since leaving her hometown she has been very reluctant to get out and make new friends, which I encourage I have always told her that we can't be 100% of her life even though we may be the biggest part of it. What really gets me is the lack of energy and complete abandonment of affection, she will go the entire day without touching me if I don't practically sit on her lap. Which is not ok with me. I am a very affectionate person and still make my love and attraction to her quite obvious, not to the point of being smothering tho. This I have discussed with her multiple times and I have made it quite clear that it is not ok. I give her the attention she deserves and I feel I should receive something...I'm not asking for a blowjob everyday type of affection...simple, kiss me when I get home from work, snuggle up next to me on the couch instead of sitting on the other side playing with your phone. Rub my back for a few minutes before we go to sleep while were in bed, simple. Bit oh wait...you've already been asleep for hours.

I have never been shy about telling her how I feel and communicating thoughts appropriately depending on the situation. She has always been extremely hesitant to share her feelings with me and that does not help the situation, not her fault just the way she is. I know it may seem like it but this is not a wife bashing spree I'm on here. She is a wonderful mother and a great person and I can say without a sliver of doubt that we have both been completely faithful to each other throughout the years. The money and work are still ok so we don't have any financial or unstable family type issues, so life isn't all bad. I'm looking for any type of advice or ideas because I'm running out of patience on some of these topics. Divorce has not been brought up and is something neither of us believe in. Also we very rarely fight or even disagree about anything I did not mention already and even then those instances are few and far between, I feel like I'm just beating a dead horse sometimes and don't bother bringing it up.

And by the way we are both mid 20's so age should not be a factor when it comes to the lack of energy or sex drive. Any help is appreciated.

Posted: 05 Oct 08:15

We often tend to mix up "sex" issues with "marital" issues. Sex is more often the symptom rather than the underlying cause. There is likely something deeper. Your return from deployment, having a child, moving from her home of origin, leaving family and friends. All these can be underlying problems. Even her self image as she is more aware than you of retaining the baby fat.

The changing tightness of her vagina is something that should be checked out. Some women do end up tighter, uncomfortably so, and infrequently pregnancy can result in secondary vaginismus. A gyn check with all the symptoms laid out for examination is in order. That, followed by marital counselling. Sex therapy may be a part of this but more likely there are other issues to be dealt with than what happens between the sheets.

Brandye

Posted: 05 Oct 08:15

Does your wife also work or is she a stay-at-home mom? Either way, how much of a partnership do the two of you share? Relationships are partnerships and this includes the romantic and sexual aspects as well. Communication and feedback are also an important part of the equation. None of us are mind readers.

When I was growing up and around your age, I was taught by example--meaning, I observed my mother caring for the inside of the home and my father taking care of the lawn and other exterior aspects. When first married we lived in an apartment and there was nothing for me to do because the outside of the property was taken care of by gardeners and maintenance crews! Thought I: "this is great!" There is more time for TV, or doing other things I would like.

One day my wife sat me down and asked if I could vacuum, do laundry, dust, or cook? I said I could to which she asked why I did not help her out with these tasks. I said that the inside chores where hers and the responsibilities outside were mine. She then informed me (loudly) that I had no chores outside! so why not do some things inside to help her out. (We had no children and both worked. Because I grew up seeing the division of labor with my parents it never dawned on me to help my wife out.) I'm wondering if this is the situation the two of you are in? When you're home, do you step in and cook, clean, do laundry, babysit, draw a bath for her to relax in, etc., et cetera, etc.?

> kiss me when I get home from work, snuggle up next to me on the couch instead of sitting on the other side playing with your phone. Rub my back for a few minutes before we go to sleep while were in bed

Do you want her to "plant the initial kiss" or just respond to yours? Do you hug and kiss her upon walking into the house or do you expect her to run up to you first?
Do you rub her back?

If the division of labor is split, I suggest taking the initiative and doing some chores yourself and/or doing a share along with her so you are working together on different aspects of a project. If you do not know how to cook and prepare meals and/or set the table, or perhaps do some grocery shopping--learn.

Make a to-do list both for chores that need to be tended to during the week as well as activities the two of you can participate in. (Do you have a babysitter you can call upon?)

Work on her receptivity for being rubbed, fondled, kissed, instead of expecting her to take the lead.
Try and find out how tired she is, regardless of why. Encourage her to visit her doctor and learn if she does in fact have a hormonal imbalance, and if so, what can be done to correct it.

I hope this is of help. Let's see what other people have to contribute.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 05 Oct 08:16