OP: Post Pregnancy Sex

I agree with Brandye but also consider this:

This is also your issue: Most women transition to being full figured after having gave birth, beautiful full-figured women can be very sexy(its why there is BBW porn), as long as she is full figured and not obese you could recognize her attractive qualities or offer to do workout together(enthusiastically) which would also help raise both your sex drives..

If you are watching porn, either switch to BBW porn or stop entirely since it can really mess with your perception of attractiveness. You can't really blame her for lack of enthusiasm if you are not enthusiastic either, its something that can't be faked, especially when two people know each-other.

Male Apprentice

Posted: 05 Oct 08:16

Thank you for the input, you all bring up good points.
Brandye, I agree that sex isn't the cause and that it is just a symptom of whatever this is.
Doc, I do my fair share around the house, I work longer hours so she ends up doing more than I but I definitely contribute. As far as the affection. It doesn't matter so much how she does it, I just don't want to have to seek it out every time.
Apprentice, her actual body shape did not change much. She has just not made the effort to lose the baby weight. I live an active and healthy lifestyle, if I wanted a big girl I would have sought one out in the first place. And I do show genuine enthusiasm and still find her very pretty, but I'm just not into the extra weight.

liftitfatties

Posted: 05 Oct 08:16

Start worrying about her.
What I'm about to write may sound crude, but to me it sounds like sex should be the last thing you should be worrying about. I'll try to explain.

Let's just start here: she's asleep at 8 every night and you're still up for hours... Doing what? Instead of complaining you're not getting enough sex or not enough enthusiasm, etc; you could be asking yourself; how come she's so much more exhausted than I am? What can I do to help her? What can I do to level and balance these energylevels? Instead of assuming you're doing your fair share around the house, it's very much worth asking that if it's fact you're really doing enough, then why are you not snoring beside her at 8 at night? Or: how could you make it so you're both still up till 9 or 10?

I'm a bit surprised your description of sex has only come from your own perspective... Sex must be downright painful or even agony to her, based on that description. How do you think she feels about sex that's suddenly become so uncomfortable and unsatisfying? It seems only logical to me that the more often sex is unsatisfying or simply painful, the less often someone will want it (or simply: no more at all).

Which could also bring us back to what has happened to her and her body during 9 months of pregnancy, delivery and post partum. It's a very intense and intimate experience. Even if everything went 100% without complications, it's so profound and transforming some say it could "make" or "break" a woman. So how did all that go? And how was she coping? How is she coping with motherhood right now? And by that I don't mean the straightforward perspective whether she and baby got out of it healthy (as important as it is). And certainly not the question whether she is a good mother (cause I believe your word she is). I mean: how is she handling all of it?

There are a lot of things happening here that could be contributing. Sure, there's the physical part- and you're right that should be checked out. Putting aside your gains; for her sake. It's worth wondering; why is she not going the the gyn? Is it perhaps because of her birthing experience and she'd rather not have a doctor ever near her vagina ever again?

You may question whether she's acared of becoming pregnant again. Because look at where it got her! You don't seem to be too happy at all! You're basically describing to us how you had the perfect life. And then there was a baby and suddenly all went wrong. How is she supposed to feel about that? Even if you're not telling her what you're telling us, be sure she senses it.

Pregnancy changed her body. And the first person that's going to affect is her. So put yourself in her shoes. You're complaining about how she's not working on losing her babyfat... I'm wondering: in what waking hour is she supposed to do that? And as for low sexdrive. Maybe she feels out of touch with her own changed body? Maybe she has such aversion of her own body she doesn't want to be touched? Maybe she's just saturated with touch by holding a baby so many hours a day? Which is not uncommon at all, really. There's a limit to all the touching and being touched you can still enjoy. It's logical at some point you can't cope with another person asking for touch. And certainly don't feel the need to start touching, since you've been doing that so much. Again: how is she supposed to feel about all this?

I've been focusing so far on how she's had a baby, but of course: you both have. Which also bring us to: how are you handling fatherhood? Though I don't mean to offend you, in your post your baby doesn't seem to play an important part. So what did having baby mean to you? What does fatherhood mean to you? How often are you there caring for your son/daughter? Are you doing all the uncomfortable jobs of nappies and calming down an inconsolable infant? And are you simply holding and snuggling your baby while (s)he's not in need of feeding or comfort from crying, too? Perhaps been holding him/her for hours on end? How are you coping? Again: you may find there may be opportunities there to even the balance between you and her.

A lot of maybe's, a lot of guesswork, a lot of questions I wouldn't know the answers to and I don't expect you to have all the answers either. And please; don't feel obligated to answer them, but stick to your own comfort-levels when sharing at this forum. I just hope I've given you a lot to think about. And a lot worth diving into together with a counselor- which may indeed be a good idea.

But one thing above all seems clear to me: you need to prioritize. You need to stop worrying about sex. And start worrying about her. Just starting there could make the world of difference.

Wishing you and your family all the best!

RedRoses

Posted: 05 Oct 08:17

Red roses, I left out those details because there were absolutely no complications during pregnancy or delivery, she practically slept through delivery after they gave the epidural. No tearing during delivery, and our son is the best behaved baby we could have imagined. He hardly ever cries, its amazing. I am there everyday once I get home from work. The reason the lack of energy amazes me so much is because her job is much less energy exerting than mine and that's the one I just have absolutely no idea why, all the other things I have a general understanding of why something could be going on. No chance of getting pregnant again she is on implanon. As far as my thoughts on being a parent, well I have no regrets, I love my son very much, I just wish it hadn't started her on this path for whatever reason, and that's what I can't get to the bottom of, I just wish we could figure out what it actually is that is causing this.

liftitfatties

Posted: 05 Oct 08:17

SHE HAD A BABY! For all of you who have NOT carried a growing fetus inside of yourself, imagine being in combat for 9 months straight. Yes, my lovelies, pregnancy can kill. Morning-sickness is nothing less that her body's immune system reacting against the immune-system of the fetus. Then there are those parasitic fetuses who strip every atom of nutrition from the mother's body to the point where she is barely alive - walking skeleton with a large watermelon on an abdomen. That is just the physical toll. I'll leave to your imagination to emotional toll. Then there comes the birth itself where the muscles slowly and agonizingly pull apart the two pieces that make up her pelvis to release the child. You don't exactly 'bounce' back from all of that in a few months. Then there's Post-partum Depression - the "Baby Blues". Sounds cute? It ISN'T cute. It can turn women into killers.

It is quite clear that "LIFT IT FATTIE" hasn't got a clue what his wife has been through. For the record, I have had two children without any problems or complications and YES, even I swore off sex for a long time after giving birth. EXPECT IT is my advice to new fathers. When she's recovered, and there is no set time table for this, she will let you know. This is her first child and the effects upon her will be profound.

Here are several things she MAY be grappling with: 1. betrayal - all that time spent watching her figure have been for naught because, once pregnant, her body went on autopilot and she became this big, fat, ugly slug. She's angry and disgusted - with herself and feels betrayed by her body, the sexual demands of her husband and the culture of beauty the demands as much 'perfection' from her as she can give. 2. her new role - she's not "sex kitten" but is now "MAMA" - that mental archetype of 24/7/365 maternal devotion and sacrifice. That's a huge responsibility and perhaps she's not quite sure she's up to the challenge just yet and is scared of failing. 3. isolation - no, a husband isn't enough because he's never going to have "been there" himself. This is why women want their own mothers there with them during the first few months to reassure that there is life after pregnancy and childbirth and child raising. Even the "terror-tales" some more experienced mothers are useful since they sit there and are obviously alive, well and sparkling as they tell their stories. 4. hormones - these substances are extremely powerful and control everything that goes on in the human body and you have no control over them - none, nada, zip, zilch. She's been through massive hormonal changes and the cocktail mixing can leave women constantly adjusting: Some sleep, some work like mad fiends, some turn into baby killers.

She's dealing with that - and then there's YOU. Here you come along seeking "sex", seeking reassurance that you still matter to her, seeking to come in as top dog and take priority over your son (do not lie to me, buddy) no matter how much you think 'competition' and jealousy doesn't enter into it - why do you think you want her pre-baby figure and her pre-baby sex drive back - duh!

Ah! But look at what you do have! You get the joys and torments of watching your son grow up and become his own man.
You have the joy of knowing that your wife has consented to permit you, YOU, to father and help raise her children. Talk about 'validation'! The role of PATER FAMILIAS stands before you. Your role is to SUPPORT, PROTECT & DEFEND and, yes, to sacrifice a bit as well. Right now, your wife needs your support, NOT your demands. She has a child who is already making demands upon her. She has a job that makes demands on her. Both while she's dealing with the effects I outlined briefly above - she does NOT need your demands on top of all that. That's your sacrifice. You simply must put the needs of your wife and your child above yours.

She needs hugs (gentle and big bear hugs), back rubs, someone to clean the house a bit, cook dinner now and again, time alone, talks with her mother, time with you away from the child even if the baby is just in the next room - in short - it is time to do those "little things" that reassure her emotionally of your affection and regard for her while being willing to shoulder a few additional burdens - laundry? - that come into your household with the baby.

And STOP worrying that your sex life is gone forever - it isn't.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 05 Oct 08:17

Without information is on point. All the information out there is written for women during and immediately following pregnancy, they don't exactly have a what to expect 8 months afterwards for men. And I don't expect or want more attention than my son gets, just show me love.
So the general consensus is time. Have to wait it out?

liftitfatties

Posted: 05 Oct 08:18

Yes, sorry to break it to you fellows, but tis a fact. Think about it. She's spending MOST of her time with the child, most of her attention is focused upon the child, most of what she does is for the child. Do you still matter to her? You know this in your head but you're NOT 'feeling it'. With a working mother, the situation is even worse. You end getting maybe 5% of her attention. AND YOU WANT IT. So, tell the truth, you're jealous. Just how it is. Even caring for the child, while it helps, doesn't cure this. It isn't just me saying this. The studies have been done. In time, as the child needs less immediate care, the situation rights itself. If you 'man up', acknowledge the jealousy and keep it within bounds, there's no problem. If you continue making demands, however, the situation will only get worse.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 05 Oct 08:18

Finally admitting to myself that i was jealous is what made the biggest difference for me. My wife works all day as a school councilor, so by the end of the day she's "done" with talking and interacting. Add 3 kids worth of homework and activities and whatnot, and we're both "done" from that as well. (We have a great sharing system down, with failsafes in where one can call "uncle" for a few days to recharge if they need.)

Surprisingly, it's funny how much pets can be added to this mix as well. To get turned down for people time only to watch in 10 minutes the dog get all the snuggle attention you thought wasn't there really can lead a person to think of themselves as lowest on the food chain.

This is where just as EEK says I needed to man up, and I did just that. I realize I'm not the least important. I'm the most, because I'm given responsibility, and control of my own life. Everything I compared myself to has 0 responsibility and 0 control of their own life. A mom can't just toss a baby to the hallway to dole out husband time, right?

So basically I had to learn to better myself, entertain myself (when I had my own free time, not shirking work), and be happy with myself. I also had to learn to do the "right thing". I'd been tempted a lot to step out, but that's obviously not the right thing to do, so I didn't and I do my best to stay out of those situations now. Instead, I personally took it as an opportunity to make myself interesting again. Work, eat, sleep, beg for sex is not a fun husband!

Doing this works! I have much more meaningful conversation with my wife, and she looks forward to spending more time with me. I'm training to become a boxing instructor at the gym we both go to (she teaches aerobics/weights there as well) and she is really looking forward to taking my class some. We even practice at home. It's nice because it wasn't just me glomming on to the exercise she does, thereby making me more up her ass all the time. It's my own thing. It's interesting.

Love is never perfect. It's all the wrong stuff that makes the relationship worthwhile. If everything was perfect all the time it would get boring. Embrace the chaos. :)

Firmus

Posted: 05 Oct 08:19

go through this. Every single last one especially with their first child. It used to be 'just the two of us'. The you got all of her attention and she all of yours.

Children is where an adult proves who they really are. It can be difficult adjusting to being a parent for both mothers and fathers. So it is time to 'grow a set' (ovaries or testicles as the case may be) for both of them.

Tuck the child into your lives and sallie forth for this being a parent thing is the greatest adventure you'll ever have.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 05 Oct 08:19

Your wife is on 24/7/365 baby mindset with your 1st child. Sex is now on the bottom of the list, on the second page if there is any energy left,after all she's in bed early due to the fact she's exhausted. Get her to the GYN, sit down and talk and listen to her, not about sex but everything else she has going on ! Years ago, the wife and I had the same issues as you and your wife. Saturday became guys day, mommy had to leave...go visit mom or her sister....shopping or lunch with a girl friend. While she was out and getting some downtime, I cleaned,swept ran laundry with my baby son in tow...rolling him from room to room, doing anything to take some of the load off of her. She delt with the issue with her GYN and I did everything I could do to support her and spend more quality time with our son. Things will return to normal, except you will be number 2 on her list...your child is 1#.

Studmuffin

Posted: 05 Oct 08:19