Ok, so I've given the Program a little over a month, and I'm wanting to report back.
Let me start of saying the Program in and of itself is a great thing. My wife is very receptive to it (I mean really who wouldn't take a 15-20 massage?) and I make sure she's well aroused by it, as well as very satisfied after, at least several orgasms time permitting. We go through all the steps, and I feel I've improved dramatically as a lover. As far as me being the initiator and showering her with this attention, it works well and has increased our frequency and quality of sex during those times.
However (you saw that coming, eh?), I've not noticed any marked change in how she "thinks" of sex, or rather doesn't. Granted, I may be over thinking this, but I was mildly hoping that by doing all this and showing her how much I care for her in new and exciting ways that she would start wanting to reciprocate. My wife has never been an initiator, she is not a fantasizer, and while she knows that sex is very important she has no "drive" for it. She's not a person that gets horny or aroused at all on her own thought, or by my "normal" touch. By that I mean say if I catch her in our room and take her in my arms and kiss her, there's nothing. Basically she's stated that sex won't be turned down on an every other-ish day basis, but I've noticed if it's not me starting it nothing will happen. If I don't initiate, I don't have sex.
Also, while yes I'm able to initiate sex more frequently, that same lack of participation initiating shows up during. She doesn't take a very active role in sex, at most maybe a leg wrap during her orgasm. She's told me she has to blank out her mind during sex, otherwise it's hard for her to enjoy it. I feel (and mentioned) she blank too much, because she's become a puppet essentially. If I wrap her arms and legs around myself, or pull her hand onto my penis, she gets the idea but if I don't do these things she stays still. Obviously I don't want to drive our entire sex encounter on my own, I want participation.
Oral sex is also off the table. Her mindset is that full on penetrative sex feels better than oral, so why "waste time" with oral? I've noticed she's very reciprocal in nature, like it really flusters her on days I want to make her come, but only for her benefit. I've explained many times I do this because I feel it's good to know you have someone that gets pleasure from GIVING pleasure. I do this as well because I too would like to just randomly receive pleasure without an unwritten rule of always give and take. So to her, if we're not having actual penetration sex, then there's reason to do anything. Again, I'm not insensitive to her feelings, yet this is something I greatly GREATLY miss, both giving and receiving oral. I don't think that every orgasm should best the last. To just have a sneaky fingering of her under a blanket watching TV, or some other such non-bed non-agenda type sex is important as well.
When we were young in college, we'd do things like that, pull off on the side of the road for a blowjob, etc. And granted now we have kids so us being alone isn't all that often. I'm not expecting her to be my sex slave, and be on me all the time. But she says she's not that person anymore, and the oral we did back then or other things were superseded by the full on sex we can have now.
How would things be if it were "my way"? By no means crazy. Just the freedom that comes with having someone on the same page as you. On a day I can tell she's tense from worry or "just because" I'd love to put her on the table at lunch (we're home alone) and go down on her before we go back to work. Same for me. If I'm in the shower in the morning and she slips in and gives me a handjob because she's taking a shower right after. If we're on the couch late at night, just for the fun of it she takes me out and climbs on top. I just want to know it's "on her mind". A dirty text. A secret look across the dinner table. Not being afraid to lock the bedroom door on a Sunday afternoon while the kids are downstairs playing.
These are all things we have discussed many times over the last few months. While I'm feeling that she's come a decent way along (sex was very sparse before June) this last hurdle is the most important, and I want to be sure I've exhausted all avenues. I need that feeling of physicality, and it's just tiring doing "all the work". I know I can't make her. But it's just frustrating and I needed to vent. Being in a long term monogamous relationship with kids and an otherwise perfect life, it just stinks that I feel I'm at her mercy. I can see this is where the people with open relationships can easily fix this, but that isn't an option for me. I would be tossing my entire life out the window, just for a bit of freedom? I can't risk that.
I hate that I get envious or friends or coworkers that have those freedoms. Like today at lunch a girl was talking about her husband throwing darts in the basement, and after missing like 15 times she joked that if he got a bullseye she's give him a blowjob, and damn if the next one didn't hit the mark! So he got one. I don't have that but why can't I? Like I'm somehow being cheated out of it. I also hate that I find myself thinking of coworkers and friends as outlets. I don't want to cheat, and I know I would feel horrible if I did, yet at the same time I don't now how I would act if I was genuinely approached. I hate the whole mentality of "wifely duties" or that she "better keep her man happy" like it's totally to be expected that I would step out because I'm a guy and have no self control, yet I can see the validity in it. I wouldn't be in this frame of mind if she had my satisfaction on her mind.
Oh well. I feel better broadcasting all that for some reason. I'm sure we'll have another talk tonight, so here's hoping for some progress.
Take care all....
Posted: 05 Oct 23:12