OP: Found out my gf was raped by her older brother for two years...

Yea, well killing him isn't going to help the situation is it?
You love her yet, you want to go and kill him, which means you will most likely get life in prison. That would kind of put a damper on the love thing wouldn't it?

It's not all that uncommon for the situation as you described to happen. Sadly, it happens more often than you'd think.
Express your anger here all you want but killing him isn't the answer.

thetease13

Posted: 01 Oct 22:12

Where are better ways to deal with someone like that then murder. He isn't worth 25 to life. Keep your cool. I undertsand it's hard, but killing him is not the answer

LittleFury

Posted: 01 Oct 22:12

I never said I would kill him... Although he deserves no better

He is getting away with something he shouldn't. People like that deserve prison for life.

Like, try and see this through my eyes... How the hell would you take it?

Rorance

Posted: 01 Oct 22:13

i totally understand where u are coming from because i was in kind of the same situation. a couple years ago before i met my b/f i think i may have been raped but im not sure because i was passed out(drunk if you want to know) I just recently told my b/f and he wasnt really as much pissed as he was upset for me and confused all these emotions can lead to anger. he wanted me to tell him who i thought it was and i wouldnt tell him.
so i think it is ok to feel that way but im glad u said those words ONLY out of anger.
I dont think u should worry about how U should deal with this situation but u should worry more about how she is dealing with it.
she should talk to someone dont hold it inside it will hurt her in the long run....
good luck with everything,
just remember u cant change the past, learn how to deal with the past rather than try and change it.

Stephanie083099

Posted: 01 Oct 22:13

Well, I'm glad that the "killing" issue has subsided some. If venting here has helped, that's great. As difficult as it is, logic does have to be applied to these kinds of problems.

I'm sure that what I'm about to say is not going to be considered as "politically correct" and I want to preface it by saying that I'm not making a specific accusation, merely raising one additional possibility that needs to be considered.

It wouldn't be the first time a woman claimed she was raped as a way of explaining her lack of virginity. What raises the suspicion level a tad in this case is the fact that the context is about viriginity.

On that topic, I believe that couples get to define virginity and it doesn't have to be about penises going into vaginas.

One thing that's missing from this so far is what her position is and what she wants to do about this. Assuming the brother isn't currently molesting children... or showing any evidence of being a sexual predator, I'm not so sure there's a lot to be gained by opening this can of worms, even if it did really happen. If you decide to take ANY action, you want to be prepared for many possibilities!

And no, I do not condone rape in any fashion and I am not suggesting that every woman who claims rape is lying. I do believe it's an exception, but I also know that it does happen.

WallyLlama

Posted: 01 Oct 22:13

How I would look at it is not the question. It's how the law would look at it.
This is something that happened roughly 4 to 6 years ago. She told you in confidence. It's very doubtful that even if you went to the police they would actually do something. Not because they don't care because they care far more than you think. It's just you have to look at it from the law side. It's old. It's not happening currently. There's no evidence. And since she told you in confidence, it'd probably be her brother and her word against yours. It's doubtful she would rat out her own brother.

And you know what, if you tell someone about it, and they do it? That still leaves you in a shit load of trouble in more ways than one. You could be linked to the murder because you caused it.
You also could completely wreck your love with this girl. Again, she told you in confidence and if you go and blab it to others in that town, you broke her trust, which I'm sure doesn't help her.

The past is the past. Everyone has one and rarely does anyone have tha great of one. We all have our deep dark secrets. But instead of dwelling on it and saying you're gonna kill the SOB or have someone do it for you, works towards the future.
You say you lover her, well then work for that. By killing her brother or having him killed or thrown in jail or whatever, it's doubtful that would help your relationship and if you love her as much as you say you do, you don't want that.
Work with her, not against her.

thetease13

Posted: 01 Oct 22:13

Something else that I would like to add. I read somewhere that the statute of limitations (something like that) is 5 years for a rape charge. Meaning that you have 5 years to report a rape after the fact. If you wait any longer than that, it's tough luck. I will add to this that I am not positive that this is exactly what the law says, but I am pretty sure that it is something close to it.

Also, I don't think you would want to have anything to do with anything happening to this girl's brother. Granted he may be and a**hole with a lot of enemies, but he is still her brother. I can't imagine it would improve your relationship any if she found out that you had anything to do with something happening to her brother. I would think that would make her look at you differently as in "what else is he capable of doing?". Not good. Talk to her. Does she seem like she has been able to get beyond what has happened to her? or is she still dealing with issues regarding what her brother did to her? Has she ever said anything to her parents about this?

Just try to be supportive to her.

experimenter

Posted: 01 Oct 22:13

yeah i agree.
just because YOU didn't pull the trigger, getting someone else to might as well be the same thing.
personally, no matter how furious i was and how much the other person deserved it, i couldn't live w/ myself if i knew my actions caused someone to lose their life.

why hasn't your g/f told her parents or police etc?
i think that death is really a easy way out. its more punishment for someone to sit in prison.
but thats just me.

demonbuttercup

Posted: 01 Oct 22:14

You, and preferably both you and your girlfriend, need to call a rape hotline. You both need to talk with someone who specializes in this situation. They should also be able to help with the legal aspects. Something does need to be done about this person. Rapists rarely stop with just one.

More importantly, your girlfriend needs the counselling that such a hotline can provide. It will help you both deal with this and put it in the past where it belongs.

oberon

Posted: 01 Oct 22:14

She told me in confidence? She was balling her eyes out, to me, that's not confidence. She hates her brother with every fiber of her body, he hasn't lived with her for 4 years, or more.

She couldn't tell anyone, death threats when you are 8 can be intimidating.

I'm not going to tell anyone, I love her, I told her I wouldn't, i'm a man of my word.

I'm pissed that somone put her through this, she is still dealing with it, I want to help her put it behind her, I just don't know how, although that rape hotline thing sounds good. It's just very difficult for her to talk about it, and I completely understand it. Just, I believe in treating all women with a great respect, they deserve it, nothing less, unless you have a reason not to. Nobody should ever be able to put someone through that and get away with it.

I'm trying to get her to tell her dad, get the police involved, and get this guy put away and not aloud near her again when he gets out. It's just, I think her dad would be even more pissed then me, and like me, want to take matters into his own hands, but there is a right way, and a wrong way to deal with this, he's a smart man.

Just, I can't get it off my mind, I can't think in school, I haven't smiled in the past 48 hours, knowing this happened and I couldn't do anything about it. I just feel useless, helpless, it's just hard.

Just one thing her and I can't get out of our head... She lost her virginity to her brother... When she was 8, not by choice... But her and I still both feel she lost it with me, because it was her choice... Just, if you are a women with an older brother, think about that...

Ummm... She wants to, she is to scared of what people would think, what her brother would do when he got out (The whole restraining order thing doesn't apply to some people)

She doesn't have any respect what so ever for her brother. We talked about this for almost 8 hours before she passed out crying, in my arms.

And waht do you mean she told me in confidence? Confidence that I wouldn't tell anyone? Well, I wouldn't, so there is no need to worry, i'm trying to get her to tlak to somone about it.

This is one of those guys, he stole about $5,000 worth of stuff from his 'friends' homes a year ago and skipped town. He isn't a likeable person, and i'm hoping, if he has done this to any other women, they will come forward with it to if she does.

It would be her word, my word against his.

Rorance

Posted: 01 Oct 22:14

I can't say that I've ever been in a situation like this so I can't even begin to understand how your feeling. The closest I can come to understanding is what happened to me last year when I got drunk and one of my friends took advantage of me, my boyfriend still hasn't gotten over it even though we weren't together at the time.
I know it can be rough, but I'm glad your taking the smart route and not going after him. (I know you never even mentioned it, and I don't understand how anyone got that impression here)
Definatly get some councelling for your grilfriend, and try to find a way to let the family know without them going off. I agree with you about this guy needing to be found and brought to justice, but you need to accept the fact that it might not happen. Just be there for your girlfriend, she needs someone to listen and tell her it will be alright, hug her and hold her and tell her how much you love her and that nothing like that will ever happen again.
I'm sorry this happened to her and I hope you guys can get through it.

fallen_angel1285

Posted: 01 Oct 22:15

One of the things I've learned is that whenever someone wants to tell me something in confidence, I respond with something like this: "Well, if you want me to keep this a secret there are two things you should know. First, that means you don't want me to do anything about the problem. Second, if you tell me something that involves illegal activity, I may consider myself morally obligated to take action, up to and including reporting it."

I guess it's too late to state that disclaimer in this case, but I think the logic still applies.

It's time to "sort through" your obligations - you have others besides "keeping secrets (confidences)." You have an obligation to protect and support the person you love. In some cases that includes some "tough love" that demands her to do something that will be hard.

The "something" she must do is currently open to negotiation, I hope. I wouldn't necessarily demand that she prosecute her brother, but I would demand that she deal with the pain, etc. it has/is causing her. It seems to me that it's not uncommon for men to want revenge; women more typically just want to get it behind them. (I know that's a generality!)

My emphasis would be working with her to discover what is going to be best for you both, because you obviously now have a stake and your own resulting problems. She's hurt and afraid. You're hurt and angry.

Since you sound like a mature and well-thought person, I believe you and her can sit down and discuss forward movement (not merely revisiting the past). I think you have a lot of options open to you... some probably not yet discovered.

As a team, you and her can accomplish a lot. You'll have to work together... it may be necessary for you to let go of some of your anger... it may be necessary for her to let go of some of her fear.

I think the key is that you find some common goal and start working towards it.

WallyLlama

Posted: 01 Oct 22:15

Well, she doesn't want to make a 'big deal' out of it, I consider the whole thing a huge deal, but that's just me. All I want her to do, atleast, is tell her father, that way she wont have to see him ever again.

I want me and her to call a rape hotline, and just get counselling, to help her put it behind her, and not in the back of her head.

Just, her and I have alot of thinking and talking to do yet.

Thank you for a helpfull post.

Rorance

Posted: 01 Oct 22:15

I can understand her reluctance to say anything. I mean really in this day the victim is almost worse off than the accused. I think telling her father would be a good idea, but I also think that if her father didn't believe the two of you, that could also be very bad for her emotional health as well.

experimenter

Posted: 01 Oct 22:16

he's the one that really misunderstood the word.
they both mean different things.
1) confidence as in high self esteem, very sure of yourself.
2) confidence as in you tell somone something in confidence hoping they don't repeat it or tell anyone else. you trust them to stay quiet.

now i would assume the #2 definition if someone said, a girl told be she'd been raped. she told me in confidence. meaning, don't tell anyone else.
who would REALLY be confident in telling someone they'd been raped?

also, not to continue w/ the "killing" drama, but his original post was much more clear that he was willing to kill someone or have it done. he's gone back and edited a lot out. which i can totally agree when you are mad you say things you don't mean, but they were said.

ok now that thats cleared up, we can get back to the original question.
i would just definetly support your g/f and encourage her to get help. definetly be gentle and not forceful. that could only deepen the scars from being raped.

demonbuttercup

Posted: 01 Oct 22:16

I did edit the things I said out, I didn't mean them. Now, enough about that.

I want to tell her father, he would believe her, most likely even me. But it's something she has to deal with, I just want to help her along with it. Like I said before, we still have alot to talk about.

One good thing is that her brother is in Toronto, and we live like right beside Calgary (Across the Canadian nation for those of you who don't know)

I just don't want her to ever have to see him again, I want to help her put it behind her, not in the back of her head. I'm trying to convince her to talk to a hotline with me first, then tell her dad, if she is more comfortable about it that way.

You have all been very helpfull, well mostly. Thanks, I just hope I can help her get through this.

I realize most things i'm saying is just repeating myself, but certain things have changed, we are talking about it alot, so yeah...

Rorance

Posted: 01 Oct 22:16

I'm glad Rorance feels the situation is at least progressing and it's nice to hear that posting here has been helpful.

I'm also glad the Moderator has stepped in and removed some posts and parts of posts. Unfortunately, that does not undo the hurt those posts have caused. While I usually make a point of NOT trying to speak on behalf of the board or forum, I think I can say with some confidence that there are a number of us here who do try to make our replies helpful and and positive. Sometimes it takes a special effort when we are repeatedly faced with anger and insults from those who apparently have different agendas.

So, Rorance, I'm sorry you were attacked. If it's any consolation, there are a few of us who can show you similar scars from similar attacks. Stick around and help us make this board a better place.

And keep us posted... you do have a difficut task before you. Just remember that you and her have to do it together, so keep talking.

WallyLlama

Posted: 01 Oct 22:17

Well, she is still very reluctant to tell her father, but I think i'm getting to her... Like... I just don't know anymore.

Rorance

Posted: 01 Oct 22:17