Lack of Arousal

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Okay, so...I'm 18 (19 in two weeks) and I lost my virginity last summer. I had sex a few times with that guy and it was pretty bad. I wasn't attracted to him and every time I had sex with him, it hurt, physically and emotionally. When the summer ended, so did my connection with him.

Fast-forward a year later. During those 12 months, I did NOTHING with a guy. I was basically celibate both by choice and not. After my first experiences with sex, I didn't want to do it for a while 'cause it was so horrible. And at the same time, I just didn't have any opportunities for sex anyways. Then, I met my current boyfriend and that's where my current problem comes in.

I don't particularly like porn, but when I read erotic literature, I get insanely turned on. I get this hot fluttery feeling in my stomach that kind of spreads all over. But when I'm with my boyfriend, I don't get that feeling. And it kind of frustrates me because I WANT to get that feeling when I'm with him, but it just doesn't happen. Although, he's done stuff that has given me that feeling, but nothing overtly sexual. Once, we were hanging out with our friends and he playfully licked and sucked on my finger. That definitely turned me on. And another time, we were sitting on the couch and he put his hand under my shirt and started rubbing my back. But when the clothes come off and it's time for sex, my body just stops feeling that way.

I also masturbate pretty regularly, but I don't even do that in a "normal" way. I lie on my back, cup my vulva with my hand and just kind of move it up and down and that stimulates my clit until I reach orgasm. And I have to be completely tense when I do it.

I don't know...I feel like I'm not normal. I even tried letting my boyfriend watch me touch myself once or twice, but nothing. Basically, I can get myself off when I'm alone, but with my boyfriend, nothing happens. Help?? :confused:

dare.devil

Replies:

This is to be expected when one or both individuals have little or no experience and/or no practical knowledge. This can change when both parties are interested and motivated to know and to do better. If your hymen was torn in that encounter you should expect some discomfort, although, when the membrane heals the pain should go away.

Additional discomfort can be encountered when a guy is rough or if the vaginal opening is not pliable.

It may be that you and your boyfriend like each other yet there is no "chemistry" and so the pheromones do not flow between you. On the other hand if there is sufficient chemistry it may just be that the information in the novels is working on your imagination in a way a real live human is not. Question: How do you react to your own fantasies?

If you and the guy have great chemistry and by that I do not mean an intense liking for each other, but more fundamental, then it seems to me that the feelings you want will probably happen with some enlightenment and experience on his part as well as your own.

Whatever works, although, I would recommend experimenting with fingering the clitoris and labia in various ways using the lightest of touch. It will take some time to retrain brain, although I think the time and effort will be rewarding in the long run.

Perhaps it is time for a different boyfriend. Dating does not begin and end with the first warm body that expresses an interest in us. Dating is ongoing and non exclusive. If you want to give this relationship some time to mature a bit and for the two of you to be comfortable with each other then go at this with more emphasis on making out than having sex. If after a couple of months the situation remains the same, then consider moving on. This does not imply that there is something wrong with him, only that the two of you are not compatible in a way you would like.

dancingdoc2

There is likely no abnormal way to masturbate. Among women loving women there is a tendency to treat your first time partner the way you do yourself. I have had this done to me - and many variations. Each one teaches me something I had never learned myself.

I share your dislike of visual porn and also your liking for spicy writing. Completely normal. Most vixual porn is made for men and their seeming liking for very explicit scenes. Women generally prefer subtlety and something left to the imagination.

Even your dislike of bad sex with your first partner is reported by many women. A few months after my first, I noted that he was having all the fun and I was left worrying about my period each month. I stopped. As did my best friend. And in the long break she and I discovered women can do as well for one another as using a man.

Try a good long talk with your present b/f and then a slow langorous session with lots of touching and rubbing and sucking. It will be a start.

Brandye

I also was unable to have an orgasm with my boyfriend (now my ex-boyfriend), but after a lot of talking and trying, I finally had one with my current boyfriend. I think that just sitting down and talking to him about your concerns and feelings, like Brandye suggested, is really important. If you put a lot of pressure on yourself to have an orgasm with him, the more stressed out and upset you'll probably be if you don't get there. Talk to him, relax, and enjoy. It will happen for you at some point, although not necessarily with him.

Godiva

Thanks for all the replies. I guess I'm going to have to have a talk with him about what I think he should do more of. And I wish it was as simple as "I can't orgasm with him". I just...don't feel turned on when he does stuff to me. I didn't feel turned on when I had sex for the first time with that other guy, but I just attributed it to the fact that I wasn't really attracted to him. I AM attracted to my boyfriend and he HAS done certain things that turned me on, but I guess personally, I need more of the sensual, not so much the sexual.

Thanks for all the help, though. You all made me feel better about this. I really thought that there was something irreparably wrong with me. Hugs to all

dare.devil