Boyfriend has let himself go...
I love my boyfriend more than anything in the world but lately I sometimes feel like I'm not attracted to him because he's really let himself go since we've been together (put on a lot of weight). I've tried to encourage him to exercise, play basketball (because he likes that), and eat healthy but he doesn't really listen to me or always finds a reason why he can't. I've also tried to set an example by exercising myself, partly for my own health and partially so I can look good for him. He practically hates almost every fruit and vegetable including strawberries, grapes, peaches, etc. He can't have a salad without putting 1/4 of the bottle of dressing on it which defeats the purpose of eating a salad. The other night we were having an arguement about this and it slipped out that sometimes I feel like I'm not attracted to him. I didn't mean to hurt his feelings but I know that I did. He even told me that I did. I don't know what to do anymore. Breaking up is out of the question because I'm so in love with him but at the same time that spark is not there. It's such a turn off to me that his attitude about exercise and eating healthy is so negative. He also has borderline high blood pressure and he's only 20 so it's becoming a health hazard already. I've told him this but he just says that he doesn't really care. I've tried explaining that I want him to be healthy so that we can be together for as long as possible but he doesn't even listen to that. This is the only real problem we have in our relationship. Other than this, he's the sweetest, best boyfriend I've ever had. What should I do to make things better between us??
mspersia82
Replies:
Hi...ok, you're probably not going to like hearing this, but here goes: He knows you love him, he knows you're not going to leave him, so he dosn't care anymore! He's become lazy, with himself and with his relationship with you.
There's no way he can belive that when he looks at himself in the mirror that he looks sexy for you - because he probably donsen't care if he's sexy for you anymore.
Anyone who's gained or lost weight knows the pain (or joy) that comes with looking at jeans that used to fit.
To be even more blunt, do you think if he was single he'd have let himself get fat? Of course not. If you left him tomorrow, after the initial feelings of anger and depression, he'd be in the gym tyring to look good to attract another woman - so why won't he do it with you now?
Also, know that this may also be an indication of other habits later down the road. From work to bills to other obligations, if he doesn't have the basic self respect needed to keep himself in shape - if not only for himself, but the ones he loves - what will he be like in a few years.
Now, you can either be direct, or indirect. Sounds like your direct method hasn't worked well...so, try this!
STOP BUYING FATTENING FOOD! If you live together and do the grocery shopping, only buy healthy foods. Now, don't go crazy and get only tofu, and dried fava beans (smile), but instead, buy more fish, chicken, low fat foods, Skim milk, etc. There are TONs of sites online that can give you direction on what to buy!
This way, when he goes in for ice cream, or snacks, he sees LOW FAT choices! Trust me, he'll eat them and you'll see how you can adjust behavour slowly.
GOOD LUCK!
Rawbob
I see what you're saying but he still gets lots of attention from other women. It's not that he would need to lose weight to attract someone else. Also, we don't live together. We have a long distance relationship. I have tried to encourage him to buy fruits and healthier stuff instead of the bad but he goes to school and works full time so his reason is that he is too busy to even go to the supermarket. He's been eating a lot of fast food lately. See, I believe a relationship is more than looks. There are so many other great things about him that dont' ever want to lose. At the same time, I'm unhappy sometimes because looks do matter to an extent. I don't want to threaten him with a breakup or something. If I was pregnant and gained some weight I wouldn't want him to do that to me.
mspersia82
Hi: I understand what you wrote, but you're also sending some mixed signals. First off, if you got pregnant, you wouln't be FAT from food, you'd be pregnant with his baby. (Please tell us you're not having unprotected sex with him)
Second, your long-distance relationship should be an indication that if he valued your feelings and input, he would at least listen and TRY to watch what he eats.
Some other questions: How much weight has he gained? How tall is he? How old? How long have u been dating? How far is the distance u are apart?
Finally, i do understand that love is NOT all about looks, however, your post tells me that your heart and your head see him differently!
Rawbob
mspersia82, it would help to know a little bit more about his lifestyle past and present. IF his lack of energy or worsening eating habits have come about quickly, it could be a sign of depression. Whether he's in college or not, 20 can be a very difficult time as he's moved out of the carefree teen years and is probably trying to figure out what he wants to be when he grows up and is beginning to feel some real adult responsibility.
Is he in college?
Has he recently had a life changing event? i.e. moved away from you, lost a close friend or relative, changed jobs or schools?
Any of these can cause some level of depression in a young adult. Don't push too hard, but continue to let him know how much you care for him and look for signs that there may be some underlying factor that has changed his behavior.
?wiseman?
Rawbob, I'm not talking about just having a big tummy from being pregnant. Most women gain a little bit of weight all over (not just in their uterus). Some gain a lot because of the incredible appetite, so I've heard. No we don't have unprotected sex. I'm talking about in the future, if we were ever married. He has made a few changes like he stopped using so much oil when he cooks and he threw out this seasoning he has with MSG in it. He's just so picky with food it's difficult for him to have a balance diet.
I don't know exactly how much weight he's gained but it's substantial. He's 5'10". 20 years old. We've been dating for a little over 2 years. I live in Los Angeles and he lives in Miami. We see each other about once a month or month and a half for about a week.
wiseman, he recently moved out on his own, started school, got a job, and from how he acts I think he has depression. He won't go see a specialist about it though because he doesn't believe it can be cured by medicines. His dad is a doctor and has given him some meds but he says they don't work. Before all these recent changes he was in the military which he hated so he claimed he was not motivated to do anything.
I just want to know from some men if my approach was wrong. Do you think I should just back off, not ask him anything, and see what happens? Thanks everyone for posting by the way.
mspersia82
Well, that information really DOES make a difference in his situation!
My opinion, yes, you should just back off and not push it. Sounds like he's basically rebelling from "authority" and also is dealing with being totally on his own.
I think if you just stay the course, and are honest with him about your concerns, that will suffice. My instinct is that the more others push, the more depressed and lacks-a-dasical he'll be.
Stay consistent.
A long distance relationship like yours is tough enough to begin with, and my gut tells me it's going to get tougher before it gets easier!
Don't forget about YOUR needs - remember, we can't change people, so try not to get wrapped up too much in his struggles. Be there for him as best you can.
TAKE CARE OF YOU TOO!
Rawbob
I don't think you were wrong for telling him how you feel--a relationship is ultimately based on communication. I wouldn't dwell on the matter though given his depressive state. You may want to tell him that you still care for him by doing special things; letting him know that you will support him even with the weight gain. He may recognize that you are a constant in his life, and therefore needs to take care of himself not only to make you happy, but more importantly himself.
Hope this helps-- I am new to this board. and I think this is a wonderful forum to vent frustration/problems and get advice.
Rosie-Poo
Yeah i would agree with some of the people that say that he might be depressed cuz he is growing up and i think you shouldn't be too hard on him. Just tell him he is not healthy. Does he have compassion anymore? You may love him but you need to be in there for yourself. If he is not being compassionate to you or worring about pleasing you and stuff then it is not worth it. I know you love him but he may not care anymore about life and other things. You need to be there for youself. Also does he eat a lot is that why he is overweight? If so then that is a sign he is escaping from something and you need to let him know that that is not healthy and he should talk to someone not you but someone. He doesn't seem to me like he is passionate about life anymore which is sad he needs to be... with you and his life and world.
nodoubt16pb