OP: How long to wait before saying 'I Love You'

"How long can u wait...."? How long will it take for you to make this determination? Each person will have a different set of circumstances, and, with each person s/he regularly dates with the intention of having a deeper relationship. No two couples are the same. No two relationships are the same. With each person you date, and presuming all is going well and in the direction you hope for, how long it takes for you, him, or any other couple to recognize that "I love you", varies.

I believe your question is "how long should I wait....?" There are various stages of attraction, ranging from--

* Attraction, physically and emotionally
* Like
* Trusting a person
* Being in Like with the person
* Lust
* Infatuation
* Passion
* Love
* Being in love with the person
* Commitment

Informing a person that "I love you" is vastly different than informing him/her that "I am in love with you." Love conjures up a strong set of emotions than simply liking a person very very much. You can have one or more acquaintances that you like--or not, yet have little or no social interactions with. Friendships range the gamut from casual to Best Friend. I really really like my best friends {one a woman, one a man) and can share a range of emotions and secrets with both that other people (just friends) will never be privy to. I enjoy interacting and doing things together with each of them to a degree not shared with other more casual friends.

So, when do you tell your boyfriend "I love you"? The most likely answer is when you determine that he is more to you than just a casual friend--and! when you have a "mutual admiration" for each other, and, when there is trust, and, when he enjoys being with you as much as you enjoy being with him, and, when he places you at the top of his list of priorities, and, when you can still live life without him, yet choose not to. Tell him when he puts as much time and effort into the relationship as you and with the same importance. So, this has as much or more to do with him as it does with how you feel.

WORD TO THE WISE: If a boyfriend exhibits behaviors or attitudes that are unacceptable to you, but, you believe "I can fix him"--don't. You cannot. You are not the first to think this way and the results are generally always negative. Do not hang on to a guy and whisper "I love you" into his ear in the hope less desirable characteristics or traits will change in time. Wrong. Do not tell a person "I love you" just to keep him, have a guy in your life, or, not to be alone. Double wrong.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 08 Oct 21:04

I always thought someone woulde know it when it happens...it just comes out spontaniously and without checklists or parameters or even conscience thought.

And feels as natural saying and meaning it as breathing.

GreyShadow

Posted: 08 Oct 21:05

Someone beat me to this question, but is there a certain length of time that can determine whether or not love can emerge from a relationship?

I'm going through something kind of similar, except we've been dating for quite awhile. I told him "I love you" six months into our relationship. Personally, I think people rush into the whole "love" feeling too too often. But my bf told me that he wants to reserve that word for a later time, when he knows this because love to him means something more to him.

I will say this though, men are definitely not oblivious to love, for them i think love is the hardest thing that men can go through... (maybe, I'm not certain of this)

I'm a tad confused, because shouldn't love mean to love a person through all of their faults? I don't expect my bf to change, maybe over time on his own, but not because I say I love you...but in that respect, doesn't love create change in the dynamics of a relationship?

sensualGoddess

Posted: 08 Oct 21:05

> ...is there a certain length of time that can determine whether or not love can emerge from a relationship?

No, not really. The dynamics for each couple is different.

> I'm going through something kind of similar, except we've been dating for quite awhile. I told him "I love you" six months into our relationship.

How long have the two of you been dating? If your boyfriend cannot reciprocate within a few months of hearing this declaration from you--and certainly within the next six months, then why are either of you in the relationship?

> Personally, I think people rush into the whole "love" feeling too too often.

Too too soon, also, IMHO.

> But my bf told me that he wants to reserve that word for a later time, when he knows this because love to him means something more to him.

As noted above, when is the lad going to know? Keep in mind, as discussed in one of the articles, there is a difference in "I love you" and "I am in love with you". He may not understand the differences. On the other hand, he may be stringing you along under the notion of "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" scenario. He may be thinking why make any declarations if I don't have to.....

-----

> I'm a tad confused, because shouldn't love mean to love a person through all of their faults? I don't expect my bf to change, maybe over time on his own, but not because I say I love you...but in that respect, doesn't love create change in the dynamics of a relationship?

I apologize for the confusion. What I was bringing to every reader's attention is that very often guys will exhibit behaviors that are socially and personally unacceptable, yet it is not uncommon to learn of a woman who will continue the relationship in the hope that I can change his controlling behavior, aggressiveness, meanness, abusiveness, stinginess, etc.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 08 Oct 21:05

it will be about 9 months for us come the 16th, but he's been away for the 2 months during the summer for an internship but we talk. don't get me wrong, eventually i do want him to say the words, but it took me quite awhile...i guess my concern is what happens when the year is up...if he doesn't say the words then, then i'll leave, because i don't think it should take that long for that declaration to be met...even i'll have an idea of whether or not it'll work or not. we're both college students and we've seen each other about once or twice every month...this was a previous arrangement of mine b/c of my fear of becoming too physical too fast.

i've already had it set up in my mind that after a year and he can't declare the words, as in the heartfelt words (though technically he did 4 months in, but he was with his friends when he said this to me in a discussion) then, i'd make the decision to walk away. i do love him, but i don't want to keep him from something good or better...I mean after all, everyone deserves someone who they consider to be their best...

By the way, to halfBreed, I'm sorry that I took a hold of this thread, but i feel that ths is something quite relatable to what's on going in my relationship as well.

sensualGoddess

Posted: 08 Oct 21:06

Dating for 3 months ?!?! That's all?!?!

Jeez!

I don't listen to a man until I've known him for two years let alone told him something as personal as 'love you'.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 08 Oct 21:06

I think to say it when you feel comfortable and everything is going well.
with me i usually wait about 2 months before i say it, I have had females say it before after knowing me for 2 weeks. It all depends on the person i believe

CLVR-HNDS_GUY

Posted: 08 Oct 21:06

> i usually wait about 2 months before i say it, I have had females say it before after knowing me for 2 weeks. It all depends on the person i believe

No wonder the divorce rate is so high.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 08 Oct 21:06

Love is a peculiar thing based on a lot of chemicals flying around. But then; all emotions are in essence... and we don't worry about that all the time do we? In my opinion, people worry to much and speak too little with the voice of their heart. Try to tell the person just how you feel. If 'I love you' seems to fit your affections towards this person, than that's it. Not because you're obligated to wait/to hurry up speaking it out. Cause really: there is no preset timeline! AND remember: Don't say what you don't feel, cause that equals to a lie (bad foundation under your relationship). In the future, you may question the sincerity of the phrase as well... 'Love you honey, bye!' means nothing unless it's felt. Without feeling it means as much as 'I cheese sandwich you' (quote movie: 'love and sex').

RedRoses

Posted: 08 Oct 21:07

People: you have got to accept that what you're feeling may in fact be INFATUATION, not love.

Also, if you say "I love you" before the other person is ready to hear and accept it - they will feel OBLIGATED to say "love you too" when they DON'T just to 'not hurt your feelings' or the other person thinks you're a weakling/obessessive/possessive/seeking an emotional rescue - and he/she runs to escape from you.

Is that what you want?

I didn't think so. Stop being so emotionally 'easy' and SLOW DOWN.

If it really is love - it doesn't mind the wait.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 08 Oct 21:07

One of the main reasons why the divorce rate is so high because of an indiviual love language isnt being spoken and kept topped up. Its not just what is said to each other. It's how things have changed over the years with more stress on the female and male to do well on things to make a good living to be happier in life which is part of a high divorce rate. I know of a few couples which have been together for over 25 years using the right system.
Not sure if anyone else has read " The five love languages by Gary Chapman". I think have brought up that book before in another post.
Some close friends of mine have read it and understand each other alot better now

CLVR-HNDS_GUY

Posted: 08 Oct 21:07

What's the difference?

Infatuation is only supposed to last 3 months or so before reality sets in.

But what's the difference between love and infatuation? For me I don't think there was an infatuation phase, i was too busy guarding my heart from doing something stupid which happened 6 months in. Weird thing is he's willing to stay, but i'm the one wanting to leave or escape because I feel too confused over what I want and what we have.

I'd rather that he stays because he wants to be with me, not because I made "love" an anchor. Personally, if it ever comes down to me making someone love me because I said those words, it just makes me feel worse about the relationship.

Which by that logic means, that there's no point in trying anymore with mine

sensualGoddess

Posted: 08 Oct 21:08

What's the difference?

Those who are infatuated are insecure. They're always seeking reassurance that they are 'loved' or 'needed'. There's something 'frantic' about their relationship. They have 'misunderstandings'.

Those who love, KNOW and therefore are NOT insecure in any way. They have a deep and abiding trust and respect for each other. Their relationship is calm and relaxed. They understand each other.

The divorce rate is what it is because people think infatuation and romantic love - that heady period - is what marriage is supposed to be all of the time. WRONG! Marriage is really all about 'attachment'. Attachment is when love in all of its majesty comes forth - well, more like you become aware of the love that was always there just beneath the surface. There's nothing 'heady' about it but you know you are beloved beyond any question and beyond any doubt.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 08 Oct 21:08

You just basically read what phase I'm still in then...me and bf nearly broke up over our issue just yesterday with not enough time being spent with each other, and I did something kinda stupid, because I ended up giving him a bit of a deadline/ultimatum and then he finally told me how he felt when it came to me, that he felt like whenever he had to deal with my feelings, he felt like he was walking on shards of glass, so he's been afraid to strike up any stable communication with us, other when I'm in a panic mode :o .

Of course we expressed our blunt feelings via text before we talked to each other calmly on the phone.

Amazing...it's easier to talk and figure things out on the phone than via text or e-mail...(explanation for this one???)

But everything else? You hit it right on the head, no way around it or any loopholes, this has been the phase that I've entered 6 months+... and here I was thinking that I did believe that I loved him at this time. (smacks self for being so dense and stupid...)

Ugggggghh....love just got majorly confusing...:confused:

sensualGoddess

Posted: 08 Oct 21:08

No, love is not confusing, but infatuation - "he loves me, he loves me not" - is confusing. If you have to ask, then NO, it isn't love.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 08 Oct 21:08

Dear Goddess,
Forgive me if I'm being out of line here. But I notice that you have much fear... You have been guarding your heart, been afraid of doing anything stupid. Seems like to me that you haven't been ready to admit to a feeling, to allow yourself to feel it. This fear could turn every other feeling, whether it be love, affection, into a negative thing... Could that be it? The thing that is confusing?

Dear Kitten, Let me answer these situation from my point of view:

Someone who does not (yet) share the other's deep feelings... There's nothing wrong with growing towards eachother. Although there comes a time that the feeling comes this 'growing phase' should be over... The time comes when you want to see the other have these deep feelings too, truthfully. If not truthfully, than there comes a time when it's over, sad to say...

Someone who'd try to make a lie out of love, iow: saying it while not feeling it... Well, that's going to come out sooner or later! And than it is going to become ugly, cause honesty is your basic foundation. That basis is ruined and may very well be unable or unwilling to fix...

Someone who would interpret the expression of love and affection by thinking of you as a weakling/obessessive/possessive/seeking an emotional rescue? And as a result would run away? Than this person certainly isn't mature enough for you! Most likely: (s)he is hiding his own fear towards feelings in general, masking it with anger towards you... (S)he is apparently not worth your affection in anyway. And I'd advise anyone who'd encounter such a person to keep their head up high! And don't let their loss of strength become yours.

If it really is love - it doesn't mind the wait? Yes, a true word! But if you wait to avoid any of the above situations, it isn't really love and therefor a waste of time waiting for.

In my opinion: it is a misunderstanding that showing feelings makes you weak. If you're being truthful, it means that you are living in your own strength. There is great power in showing your feelings to another person and to do so without fear. How many have we had on this forum who were 'fearful'? How much courage does it take to truly express yourself? Come to think of it -as you've so many times pointed out on this forum, dear EEK, and I hope you do not mind me using it- "the moment to ... is the moment you overcome the fear". So I'm guessing the moment you should say 'I love you', would be when you've overcome your fear of it.

RedRoses

Posted: 08 Oct 21:09

I am merely saying what has been replied by others upon hearing the "L-Word" from their partner when said partner was not ready to hear it. It is my belief that part of men's proverbial 'fear of committment' is in part due to being told "I love you" before they are ready to hear it - come on too strong and he's looking for an exit. Saying "I Love You" too soon can be interpreted as being 'pushy' and certainly a few months is waay too soon for "love".

You may acknowledge to yourself that you love this other person but telling that other person calls for more consideration and forethought.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 08 Oct 21:09

I..can't use that word anymore...too many bad memories of things I don't want to share here...except to say, once spoken, the dynamic of a relationship is forever changed, if one is not ready or braced for the possibility of a result not anticipated for, alot of heatbreak, anguish and misery can result....

my personal bit of hard learned caution, prove me wrong :mad:

GreyShadow

Posted: 08 Oct 21:10