OP: Blowjobs stopped after getting married...

> my reply to her wanting oral was. What is that ?

I suppose a snippy response seems appropriate, yet what is that comment going to contribute to the greater good in the long run? Relationships are partnerships and making love is not what we do to each other; rather, what we do with and for each other.

Better me thinks to give in to your hurt and take care of her desire, then, at a neutral time when you are not going to be romantic, have a discussion about why she welcomes what you do for her, yet seems no longer interested in reciprocating. Work together.

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you will enjoy participating. Please begin by familiarizing yourself with the Index found at the top of the main screen. It contains links to helpful informative insightful, as well as how-to articles that discuss the most common questions and concerns people ask about. In addition, if you click on the site's Home Page you will find even more information. I recommend that the two of you read all of the articles, together, or separately, discuss what you have learned and add the information to what each of you already knows. Knowledge is empowering.

So, please work together in partnership. I understand your disappointment, yet you can express it positively within a fact finding discussion instead of giving a curt callous retort.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 05 Oct 22:34

We have discussed it. She claims that it makes her TMJ hurt a little. First it was the hair, so I got rid of it, and then the TMJ. I told her that it makes me hurt when I'm doing her, but that I do it anyway because of the peasure she gets from it. You see, we are both in our 50's. I have my disabilities and she has hers.

Teitan

Posted: 05 Oct 22:35

I've concluded that this is a fact of life, period. I'll be 60 in a few months, and was married for 34 years. Her gag reflex was very strong, so oral with us was her paying, literally "lip" service maybe two or three times a year for 3 or 4 minutes, while I would munch her muff nearly every time we had sex, until she climaxed several times. I liked doing it so I did it, she didn't like to do it back, so she seldom did. After she died, I remarried and my new wife actually bragged to me when we were first dating that she had gotten really good at oral with her previous boyfriend because she knew she had to keep him interested. I figured I had it made! Now it's four years later and although I will perform cunnilingus on her nearly every time (okay, I really do just enjoy it), she seems to have forgotten her boast and her skill. Unless I am very very insistent on it, she now never does it to me, ever. I guess she figures she no longer has to keep me interested... Well, since I didn't get it with my late wife much, it's not that big of a deal for me, but really, you are right--the marriage ceremony does seem to tighten the jaw muscles of a previously talented and enthusiastic fellatrix.
Michael

mikkiji

Posted: 05 Oct 22:35

Yes, ex-wife never did the deed, so when I started dating my current wife she commented that my ex didn't know what she was missing. Now she's my wife and now I only know what I'm missing. If she enjoyed it so much, why did she quit ?

Teitan

Posted: 05 Oct 22:35

Well, perhaps she was taught such poor behavior - using sex as a tool - by previous encounters with rather dubious men. You know the kind - the 'f them and forget them' kind of guys.

But really there's no excuse for poor manners.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 05 Oct 22:35

"Rather dubious men...", well, yeah, she had an out-of-town BF for 5 years after her husband of 25 years died. He was a full-blown personality disorder, so far as I can figure, but it took her that long to recover her self-esteem and believe that she deserved better--I get that, of course, having been widowed myself and gone through that fog of grief a widow(er) must go through. And, DUH, g-d, of course it was a means to and end--but that's the stupid part--I never made any sort of deal about it ever, at all. It would not have mattered much to me. Damn thing is, she's really pretty good at it, second-best I've ever gotten. I wish I could talk to her late husband and find out what HE got! Of course, they were young then, too...
Michael

mikkiji

Posted: 05 Oct 22:36

I get that. But still, its the principle of the situation that bothers me. What's the point of her bragging about her skills she refuses to continue once you were married? It doesn't make much sense to me :/

g-dubz

Posted: 05 Oct 22:36

No, it doesn't really make sense and it certainly is not playing fair etc. But women can be just as bad as men.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 05 Oct 22:36

Yes, women can be just as bad as men. But, in a sense I pity men with the boring, always the same nature of their orgasms whilst we women have different ones every time. Keep it interesting for the boys. Oral skills need to be in every woman's bag of tricks - if only to keep him coming back for more.

It is not by accident that prostitutes are most commonly asked for oral. BTW, they like that it shortens time for dressing and increases their turnover.

Brandye

Posted: 05 Oct 22:36

Brandye--thanks for the vote of pity for our "boring, always the same" orgasms...! However, an older man such as myself, who has studied and practiced Tantra for a number of years and has also learned much from the women I've been with, actually can achieve an amazingly wide variety of sexual climaxes. I have actually concluded, as I am approaching 60, that we men have EXACTLY the same POTENTIAL abilities as women do--and like women, there is a wide range to what we can experience. Just as perhaps 10-15% of woman will never achieve orgasm, or 75% of women cannot achieve orgasm through intercourse alone, so with men, probably 90-95% never will experience multiple orgasms, or non-ejaculatory orgasms, or whole-body orgasms, etc. It's not that all men CAN'T, on the contrary, I fervently believe that all men CAN, it's just that most men WON'T, for whatever reasons, ever get there. So, although a man's sexual pleasure may normally have a somewhat limited repertoire, often accepted to be much more limited than that of a woman, their potentials are equal. Just the same, thanks for your sympathy!
Michael

mikkiji

Posted: 05 Oct 22:37

As a "victim" for this, the thing that surprises me the most for this (from the men AND women I've talked to about it) is the amount of men that will take whatever crappy BJ they can get from their lover, and how women will just do whatever to "get it over with quick" if they do it at all. And we just accept that, because hey crappy is better than none! For me, a BJ comes maybe once or twice a year. And it's always a "hassle". Like when a parent breaks down is like "fine if I get the damn toy will you SHUT UP!?!" Even though I'm totally not pressuring for one. I honestly may only ask for one maybe once every other month.

I am weird I guess that I want to be better and better and better, and I would feel I let myself down if I ever thought "ugh, just get it over with". Even though I know it's not true, it's a HUGE struggle not think "well, maybe I'm just not worth that effort?" It's surprising how that digs in a man's mind.

And I could totally see why the prostitution = head comment above holds true. If there was a convenient way to get one that was acceptable you can bet anything there'd be a line around the corner.

We've had a lot of talks about it. See, we were the "high school sweethearts". Started dating when I was 18 and were married at 23. In that time frame, there was a LOT of oral, both ways. That was our safety. No pregnancy because no penetration. Once full on sex came in to play, all that 1st 5 years just fell out. I've told her I felt "led on" because if I were a nice guy and ended up being controlling after marriage I would see that as being led on as well. Her point (which I see as valid, I'm not an ass) was oral was our option then. Once sex came along she could stop doing what she never really liked at any point. I guess she just put on a positive face and took it like a woman all that time?

But regardless. I miss it. Almost to the point I'd give up regular sex for a time period if I knew it could be happy and fun again with oral.

Oh well, gotta run from a fucking tornado. LOL

Firmus

Posted: 05 Oct 22:37

There's a reason why it is called Tornado Alley, Firmus. And good luck to you and yours! Hope you all stay safe.

I agree with you, mik - Men can, even if most do not, experience a wide range of orgasms. It usually is a question of continuing to explore and grow - as I have found.

Most problems are those we carry in our heads.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 05 Oct 22:37

Okay let's take a quick scan here:

1. do you move while she's doing oral on you?
2. do you like to control the action or does she get control?
3. are you standing, lying down, sitting?

I ask because it may not be ORAL per se but HOW you're doing oral that makes a difference. Work WITH the lady not against her. Ask how she is accustomed to giving oral and then say 'show me'. Might work.

Personally - if you move, I'll bite - this is my show and you just have to lie there and take it like a man - got it?

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 05 Oct 22:37

This is all very typical. I don't doubt that there are women who enthusiastically reciprocate, but they are definitely in the minority because your story is the same thing I have heard again and again.

My wife gave me one amazing, unprovoked oral session right before we were married. I now realize that was just to close the deal. She was really into it and it blew my mind. I think she was excited because she knew it was the last BJ she would ever need to give.

I have never insisted on it, but if I were her I would feel horrible about receiving all of the time and never reciprocating. But she is immune from such feelings.

ua322

Posted: 05 Oct 22:38

It always bothers me when I see stories about women giving their guys head up until they're married. If they really didn't like giving head so much then maybe they should marry a guy who doesn't like receiving oral sex. I just hope that someday when I finally meet that special lady, that she doesn't feel that way.

g-dubz

Posted: 05 Oct 22:38

I asked those questions for a reason. Often, perhaps unknowingly, we contribute to the cessation of what we enjoy because NO ONE TALKS. People are so afraid of emotional turmoil that they will lie, evade and just remain silent when they should be raising the roof - or at least having a rational discussion.

Try having the courage to be honest.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 05 Oct 22:38

^ +1 EEK. This is also probably why dating several people at once is important too so that one can most likely avoid this kind of thing lol.

g-dubz

Posted: 05 Oct 22:38

My wife too she gave me bj until we got married after that it went on for a year or so and then stopped. One day I asked her way she said I like the way it feels but I do not like the way my pussy looks in the mirror "its an ugly spider" she added. Over the years I tried to give her orals for a minute or so every time she moved away and closed her legs. Other than that she really enjoyed riding me her erotc are was her boobs she really enjoy me sucking up her boobs whilst riding me I often fingered her anus although often refused one day she felt it good and that led to full anal.

kievan

Posted: 05 Oct 22:39