OP: Exclusivity vs. Dating Around

Okay, so on this site I have noticed two different opinions regarding dating. I know DancinDoc and EEK are both for dating around, but on the other hand I know a lot of people consider exclusivity to be a better idea. So I wanted to create a thread for both sides of the table to toss around pros and cons of the other.

I honestly do understand both sides of the argument, but perhaps the rest of you can present some facet that the rest of us haven't thought of yet.

Why is dating around the way to go at a young age? Or why stay exclusive?

Tell me what you all think.

ExtraChrisB

Posted: 08 Oct 22:24

Replies:

dating around is better if you are not particularly sure about who you are yet (you're too young and inexperienced and need to see, feel, and do new things so that you know what you really want). biggest negative with this is that you will never feel loved and will likely become cynical as you feel that other people are all pretty much the same (just wanting sex from a woman's point of view, just wanting someone to pay for stuff from a man's).

exclusivity is better if you know who you are and want to feel the support and love of really knowing someone and them knowing you. biggest negative about this is you can get bored, or you can invest a lot in someone and misjudge whether they feel the same way about you.

CrackBaby

Posted: 08 Oct 22:24


Absolutely. It makes sense to me, but I was hoping Doc or EEK could give their 2 cents.

ExtraChrisB

Posted: 08 Oct 22:24


You set limits upon yourself unnecessarily when you go exclusive too quickly.
If during the course of dating many, you end up only dating the one - that's fine because then it is based upon experience and true compatibility and not just because ' you should'. Infatuated persons like to 'stick' right away which is not good. You cannot base a relationship upon infatuation. By waiting for that phase to pass before entering into an exclusive relationship, your chances of success are improved.

Relax and don't stick with the first person who asks.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 08 Oct 22:24


Boys and girls are not "all grown up" having just gone thru puberty. The process begins before this and lasts a good decade! Puberty prepares the body for procreation; however, there is much more that must happen to complete a person's maturity.

One aspect of maturing is socialization.

* Preteens generally do not have an interest in the other sex.
* During early adolescence members of the same gender tend to flock together--girls with girls, boys with boys.
* Later on the friendship circles merge as girls and boys begin to do things in coed groups.
* As a person matures further, s/he continues the friendship group yet begins to seek out members of the opposite sex to date and pair up.
* The purpose of dating is to learn what humanity has to offer us in the way of personalities, characters, morals, religious values, likes, dislikes, quirks, desires, goals, etc.

The more individuals we date the better able we will be to recognize when Mr./Ms. Right comes along. Also, as we grow older, our personal tastes and desires change, therefore, the criteria we establish for a proposed significant other changes several times. If we only date one person we limit our options.

When we or the person we date wants to move on the relationship breaks up, usually painfully because we guys have all our emotional "eggs in one basket". Although painful for girls, also, it is less so because girls have more baskets with fewer eggs in each--in other words, more ways of handling the stress and drama and trauma. As young teens, we have few coping skills to handle the stress of this. In addition, we have yet to acquire and develop interpersonal skills necessary to interact with the other sex and this is where fighting enters its nastiness. Learning to negotiate differences, using "give and take" so each person feels their wishes and desires are being considered and met are skills that come along with much practice (with several people) and over time. An important strategy and life lesson is to "give in order to receive". Think about this and tell me what you think this means. All too often, relationships are all about "me" and what I want with little consideration for the partner.

Kids begin maturing at different ages, yet at fourteen you are probably not yet at the coed group level. Whether you are or are not, my point being you have not yet acquired all the emotional and social skills required to handle an exclusive relationship. Teens should date lots of people and sometimes more than one at a time. Keep these relationships open. Exclusivity comes years later and when you are ready to settle down. When we date non-exclusively, we eliminate the sense of "ownership". When a relationship ends, there will be far less drama and trauma to handle for which young people are less able to handle.

When we date more than one person at a time--
* there are more chances to date, and, more choices for where to go and what to do.
* By dating more than one person at a time, our circle of friends increases.
* By dating others, we expose ourselves to a variety of personalities as noted above.
* By dating openly and not exclusively, we are freer to move on when our interests and priorities change with maturity.

What people do not realize is that a couple can have the "togetherness" and the bonding and the sense of belonging without the entanglements. Therein lies one of the important purposes for dating and not just stopping with the first person who expresses an interest.

Date lots of people, learn about each, continue to mature, and as you do your skills, objectivity, and, insight will be much keener than if you do not. You will also have more opportunities for fun and building your circle of friends. You can do all the things you would do in an exclusive relationship, and, because both people want to be together, it flourishes, also. You just do not have the "ownership" that should not be a factor at any age or stage; thus no big problems to try and overcome when a relationship does end.

Teens should not have to deal with emotional problems they are not well equipped to handle. Furthermore, the need to be needed can still be satisfied whether dating one person or several openly. Remember, each relationship exists because both people want it to, so why burden yourselves needlessly by wanting to have a girl- boy-friend in which commitment is understood, not expected or demanded?

dancingdoc2

Posted: 08 Oct 22:24


Both really good points. Thanks EEK and Doc. But what if we already know what we're sort of looking for? I'm a 21 year old guy, and I've had a few "serious" relationships. I never really dated around, but I always had a lot of female friends. Most of my friends were, as a matter of fact. I've always been pretty self aware, and generally pretty conscious of what it is I like and don't like. I'm pretty stubborn as far as my moral principles go, etc. I feel that if some people my age (maybe even slightly younger) already know what it is they want from a relationship and are prepared to handle the emotional stress that can come from it, they may find an exclusive relationship to be more fulfilling. At least I did. That's just my side of it though.

Also, another point, if I may. My parents say the same thing about dating around. They insist it's the best thing to do, but in my generation (or at least with the people I've always enjoying being with), there seems to be an unspoken consensus about dating around. All the people I've spoken to about this seem to feel that it's immoral to do so, even if the other party knows about it. I gotta say, I'm inclined to agree with them. For some reason, and I don't really know why, it just doesn't seem right to date more than one person at a time.

One reason for this, I think, is a difference in definitions. My parents refer to "dating" as just going out to dinner with other female friends. People my age refer to "dating", as my parents would say, "going steady". I think that may be part of where the confusion lies, perhaps.

But, if both of your definitions are closer to the "going steady" version of dating, then I'm pretty certain I disagree with doing that with several women at one time. It just seems to me that I get more out of exclusive, close relationships. On the other hand, I've never dated around, so I can't really knock it, but at the same time, I still have dinners etc. with my female friends.

ExtraChrisB

Posted: 08 Oct 22:24


How to say this nicely? Can't be done. Okay.

GROW UP.

Stop clinging to your high-school playbook and get on with being an independent adult male. Now is your time for wild oats, sport-dating, and playing the field. Do not mess it up. You do not want women to be your friends, you want them to be your lovers. You're not going to get that if you continue acting like a puppy. Believing in a 'soulmate' is to guarantee failure and will seal your status as a beta-male.

In this context, dating around is not only 'moral' it is mandatory.

Your parents may be telling you more than you're actually hearing. I suggest you start listening to their hidden message and get your butt out there before all of the best women are married to other men. Do you really think the other men are having this same problem? Nope! They're just telling you that they are to keep you out of their way.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 08 Oct 22:24


apparently kitten doesn't believe in true love... i'm not sure why (she doesn't or that i do) but i always will... i guess something about the idea that theres a crap ton of women who live in this area who are my are theres not a single one i couldn't fall in love with and stay that way for the rest of my life just doesn't sit right with me. granted i've had more bad luck dealing with this than good luck but i'd rather strive for whats greater and fail than settle for average.

odis85

Posted: 08 Oct 22:24


So what are you going to do, sit in your living room window and watch who walks by in hopes that Ms. Perfect will someday? How will you know unless you begin sitting on the front porch where you can call out to her and try and engage in a bit of conversation?

You seem to want perfection and we are here to tell you that it is rare. People fall in love, hook line and sinker based upon what they see and hear and then spend the rest of their lives together making things near perfect.

If you want to find Ms. Right, best take our recommendation to actively seek your ideal mate and do it by dating lots of women and exposing yourself to as many as possible; otherwise, I'm afraid you are doomed to grow old in that rocking chair watching the seasons change, yet not interacting with anyone on the street.

Are you a perfectionist? Whether yes or no, there is nothing wrong with setting high standards, although, they should be realistic.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 08 Oct 22:24


no im not and i am bedridden with mono lol so sitting here by the window will have to do for now... and no i can't actively go out looking for her because that kind of thing never works for me... i have to do what i like and ill meet her that way. hell i may never meet her or she may not exist like kitten says but one part of me is too smart to settle for less and the rest is too stubborn to change. then again i might just be stupid and stubborn but we will have to see what the future brings to truly find out!

odis85

Posted: 08 Oct 22:24


True love? OF course it exists but, once again, you have to go and find it - it does not - EVER - come to you. True love also does not hit you like lightning. It sneaks up on you from behind and when you finally see it - you realize it was always there, quietly waiting for you to catch up. True love is also found where you don't expect to find it, where you never dreamed you'd find it.
That's why it is from dating around that it comes.

'Settling for average' is what happens when you just do the one-at-a-time thing. You have spent so much time and invested so much effort in this one person that you are reluctant to let him/her go - so you end up marrying i.e. "settling". You find time and life passing you by, so you end up "settling" for what you think you can get from the person you happen to be dating at the time. This 'one-at-a-time" thing simply is not WISE.

odis - Please stop thinking that I do not know what I'm talking about. I am not just speaking from my own personal experience. I have seen it in others and have seen their relationships both good and bad. Inter-gender relationships is a fascinating study which I have been following, most comprehensively, for about 40 years now.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 08 Oct 22:25


Im far from exclusive.. but I also don't "date around". Im single.. i avoid relationships, and pretty much just have a couple of 'regulars' -- fuck buddies. But, we don't date. And, if something else comes up, ill go for it if I want to -- I owe the girl nothing. And they know this from the start (but.. i think they think im joking when it comes up..)

Anyway, the reason is because I get really bored, really quickly. So, this way.. if things are starting to go stale, its fine if we take a breather from each other for a few weeks at a time. We don't have to constantly live in each others pockets. Or even to just say "look love, time to move on" and their is no emotional investment from me.. so, it suits me.

AussieBloke

Posted: 08 Oct 22:25


I don't really care what my status is, really. I don't even really care if I have women friends instead of women lovers. Just because I have women friends (whom I do "date", as in going out to dinner, but that's it) doesn't mean that I automatically won't find someone to be exclusive with. I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm just saying that I disagree with that sentiment.

I do believe in a "soulmate", but not in a "high schoolish" sort of way. I believe there is somebody for everybody, but I certainly do not latch on to any random girl who walks by. If I'm in a relationship that doesn't seem to be working, I get out of it. Plain and simple. It's not like I have a goal for exclusivity, but that's what helps me find what I want/need in relationships. Random dating, etc. doesn't do anything for me, and I don't think that's childish.

ExtraChrisB

Posted: 08 Oct 22:25


We all want to be meaningful in someone else's life but that does not mean automatic exclusivity. If you're looking for one-in-a-million - your use a net, not a single hook on a fishing pole. I understand you think you have your whole life to find her. You don't - not really, because women's time frame for finding him is much shorter than a man's. She has a limited number of child-bearing years, you see. So she's hunting for him - now, during her 20's and maybe into her early 30's but not much longer than that. Generally speaking, of course. And for all you know - that 'random girl' you passed by may just have been the one for you. You will never know because you did not ask.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 08 Oct 22:25


What you say makes a lot of sense, EEK. I'm just more inclined to work on my current relationships than throw caution to the wind like that, you know? On one hand, isn't learning how to deal with problems in relationships a good practice for marriage? I'm certainly not saying that people, especially my age, should settle in relationships that just over-all suck, but does that rationale make sense too?

ExtraChrisB

Posted: 08 Oct 22:25


Not really - you learn how to deal with that specific person and problems. That person is unique and the problems may also be unique to that relationship. With diversity comes an increased level of knowledge and more opportunities to learn. By being exclusive you also cannot directly compare and contrast - seeing similarities and differences - in real time. You can also ask "why" more effectively - as in "why would a girl do this" to another girl and not seem threatening since it is not something she herself did.

Let us turn our attention now to issues known as "entitlement/ownership". If you are exclusive from the start - it is much more likely that you will come up against 'dates' who feel that you have to account for every minute of your time to her, be at her beck and call 24/7/365, and so on. You are also much more likely to confuse her jealousy with devotion when jealousy is only a need to control and to own - a cover for poor self-esteem. But in the heady days of infatuation - you, by being exclusive - are more likely to feed into this sort of situation than if you had NOT been exclusive from the outset.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 08 Oct 22:25


I see the idea behind dating around and how it could work for some people but I myself could never do that being as I'm an extremely protective person when it comes to my girl.

Those who date around are basically seeing what they want out of a woman while simultaneously fulfilling their sexual desire. One of my most guilty moments is when I truly wanted someone else other than one of my x's. Mainly, at younger ages our urges are just too fluctuate to settle down with a single person. Under sexual desire dating around is a better idea. But psychologically it is better to be exclusive to at least lower feelings of jealousy or selfishness, I sure as hell couldn't stand the idea of another man touching my girl, at any age for that matter.

Like everything else this should be analyzed on a case by case basis, there is not one absolute for everyone.

Brennen

Posted: 08 Oct 22:25


I see the idea behind dating around and how it could work for some people but I myself could never do that being as I'm an extremely protective person when it comes to my girl.

Those who date around are basically seeing what they want out of a woman while simultaneously fulfilling their sexual desire.

One of my most guilty moments is when I truly wanted someone else other than one of my x's. Mainly, at younger ages our urges are just too fluctuate to settle down with a single person. Under sexual desire dating around is a better idea. But psychologically it is better to be exclusive to at least lower feelings of jealousy or selfishness, I sure as hell couldn't stand the idea of another man touching my girl, at any age for that matter.

Like everything else this should be analyzed on a case by case basis, there is not one absolute for everyone.[/QUOTE]

This is precisely the point: There should not be any "ownership" of a relationship that is comprised of a partnership. A man does not own or control a woman, and vice versa. You do things together. So, while you may guide the direction your daily lives take, it is done with her cooperation.

You should not get to this level of belonging until you are ready to settle down and marry. Dating openly as used to be the case a couple can do all the things and have all of the things yet be free to date others if desired all in the hope of finding the ideal partner. When you restrict yourself to an exclusive relationship you limit your opportunities and your horizons and your experiences. Exclusivity should come later, not sooner.

As an example, let's say you date three women at the same time. You may be intimate with one, two, or all three. It just depends. Dating is not about getting laid and your rocks off. Dating is a venue for learning and this is what people nowadays fail to comprehend.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 08 Oct 22:25


"But psychologically it is better to be exclusive to at least lower feelings of jealousy or selfishness, I sure as hell couldn't stand the idea of another man touching my girl, at any age for that matter."

Remember that song?

"You don't own me; I'm not one of your little toys.
You don't own me; don't say I can't go with other boys.
And don't tell me what do; don't tell me what to say.
And if I go out with you, don't put me on display."

She is NOT your psychological crutch. She is NOT responsible for you or your moods, emotions any more than she is responsible for your actions.

And this, all of the above, is precisely why dating around is BEST - for everyone.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 08 Oct 22:25