OP: Exclusivity vs. Dating Around

EEK, I just read your response and became really confused but that statement (which means that I had to read the thread from the beginning to get a gist of what this thread is talking about)

Forgive me for sounding borderline ignorant...or stupid, :( but I always thought that dating and exclusivity were one and the same or that dating inadvertently leads to exclusivity.

Now, you can only imagine how shocked/surprised/upset I became over this weekend. Through my own naiveté, I always believed that love was this one shot K.O thing. My parents portrayed this as such...and then I found out, that my parents did date around (at least one of them) before they decided to becoming my loving married parents that gave life to me. (No more happily ever after fairy tales for me anymore. lol.)

I've never dated around. Never. In fact, call me a chicken, :D but I'm 20. Did not date around during middle or high school, I wasn't attractive then, but I'm quite a looker now. I think what I'm doing now with BF#1 isn't dating, it's an exclusive relationship.

(to me it is, to him, he says that going into our relationship that it is exclusive...although it's questionable because he's had other women before me, but in that defense from high school our eyes had been on each other, again I was a chicken, but other than that, no problem, whether this turns out that we are dating around or if it is exclusive, I'm satisfied now.)

I'm not even certain what dating around means by today's standards
Different culture equals different ideals on what dating should be.

That being said, dating around seems like a good idea, but I know what I want in a man already, always known from day damn one. So, is it an absolute must that people should date around, even if they have an idea of what they want?

sensualGoddess

Posted: 08 Oct 22:26

dating around means keeping your options open while spending time with different people. People date around to see attributes they'd like or dislike about a potential partner, and they don't stay exclusive until they've found a partner they can appreciate and whose attributes they like.

Exclusivity is staying with one person.

Rouge

Posted: 08 Oct 22:26

Wow. Thanks, this just cleared a lot of misconceptions I've had about dating in general. :)

sensualGoddess

Posted: 08 Oct 22:26

To share my view on the subject: dating and exclusive relationships are both good, no matter in what order you will do this in life ;)

I think there are just some simple rules to it:
1) Please, just do understand that people are different. Do not make people feel ashamed, because you think that your way is the ONLY way of dealing with life-love-sex-etc. What is best for you, isn't best for someone else... Let everyone make their own decision and mistakes (we all learn from it ;))
2) Stay true to whatever you do (and I mean really: truthfully :)) Please do level with the other person you are dating around with or being exclusive with, be clear to the other person that you are. I've seen people being hurt badly, because the person they were exclusive to, just considered them to be a date (or even lied about it!).
3) Exchange views and see if yours still fits your lifestyle. This forum is great for this! :) But do not judge others too quickly. Perhaps I am naive, stupid, someone who needs to grow-up... I think the day I stop learning, evaluating, changing my views, in short: the day I stop growing(-up), should be the day that I die or have gone to a vegetable-like-state

To share my personal view on dating/exclusive relationships @ this moment in my life:
I didn't date around. I have felt ashamed of not doing this and being a virgin in my teens and early twenties. Just because my friends, classmates, my very own sister, made me feel like it was something to be ashamed of. They've even advised me to lie about it if I'd ever find someone that loved me (cause he would leave me instantly if he'd find out I was a newbie, according to them). Actually, they made me not want to date: I saw them hurting people. They were overall not being respectful to each others emotions... I saw them turning sex into something I wouldn't want to experience.

Ever since I'm in an exclusive relationship it has proven me right about myself:
1) I don't need to lie about anything, even tell him my biggest secrets
2) I do feel very emotional attached to my bf. Would feel awful if it wouldn't be exclusive...
3) when it comes to having sex: I can not see sex, emotions, love, etc as separate things. (maybe sad, but true...) And at this very moment in my life: I would want my bf to be my one-and-only true love. Although he has had girlfriends before an I'm not his one-and-only. What matters is here and now. Also: rationally I do know there is a chance it won't be forever. You catch my drift?

I do, however, understand why THEY wanted to date around. I do understand that sex=physical play, doesn't need to involve love or emotions. I'm just saying I, simply just me, can not. I'm happy for every person who leads his/her life the way they really want to. And wish them all the best, pleasure, fun, etc!

RedRoses

Posted: 08 Oct 22:26

Then RedRoses, should you two break-up, the emotional trauma will be very painful.

But please realize that this "exclusivity" is a relatively recent social phenomena. Earlier it was considered a mark of hubris for a man to impose such restraints upon a woman who was not his wife or a woman to impose upon a man who was not her husband.

If you wanted "exclusivity" - you had to marry to get it.

This seems entirely reasonable to me. Think of it as "ante-ing up".

But as to why you felt ashamed at not dating around - that's another issue entirely.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 08 Oct 22:26

Wouldn't argue that; it's true. The emotional trauma will be very painful. Wouldn't it have been if I had just pretended not to feel for him? That would be a lie to myself. The truth would have been inside me and would have gotten back at me... Btw: I don't believe in marriage. I don't want to restrain him; he should only stay with me out of free will (and be honest about it!)

The only reason I referred to this shame, is because it's the opposite of the shame others experience (dating around, while others expect them to stay exclusive, sometimes being called a names for it). I mentioned it because I feel that people are always trying to set (new) norms/standards of what should be done. And telling others what to do. Which causes those who don't to feel abnormal or ashamed. I think the key is acceptance, being honest to each other and simply sharing views. That's all I meant to say...

RedRoses

Posted: 08 Oct 22:26

No, the 'trauma' with dating around is different because then it becomes confronting your own jealousies and insecurities - and confronting those and learning how to deal with them makes you a better person while the other - the betrayal of exclusivity/being found inadequate - implict in breaking up just makes people bitter and builds 'baggage'.

I believe in open marriages - they're great! A measure of security - esp for the kids, tax breaks, guaranteed inheritance, increased income, steady companionship and emotional support and rampant sex whenever I pounce upon him or vice versa along with a wide social circle of friends with benefits as icing on the cake. What's not to like?

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 08 Oct 22:26

EEK, I'm trying to verify if I understand your post. You mention 'being found inadequate'. Do you mean: when you are exclusive to someone and (s)he rejects you, you have been found inadequate? And that causes trauma?

Anyways, I'm really happy for you that you've got an open marriage in which you all are happy! :) I think you're totally right: what's not to like? Seems like you've got your life together in the way you desire it.

Also: I'm not saying that I will never change my mind (never say never ;)). It's just how I feel right now. I know I'm still young, but believe me when I say I've been through some difficulties and am carrying baggage. People leave you; no matter how long you've known them, how close you were, how much you still love them, whether you're family or married to them or not. I know they do. And it hurts like hell. But it also makes me the woman that I am today. Not bitter, just a happy girl that is a bit of a mess at times.

RedRoses

Posted: 08 Oct 22:26

An open marriage...(thinking)

But then again, maybe open marriages can preserve most marriages, I suppose, even though I'm not sure how that would work out.
It's something that I do want to mention should there be the chance that I do end up with the one I love.

RedRoses, I'm on the same boat with you on marriage. I don't believe in it. There are more reasons why I honestly can't. It's a document or a license of recognition. Ok, but that can be broken too, marriage is somewhat run as a business (explains the tax breaks one gets.)

On that note, I'm all for every human marrying whomever they wish to marry, so when the issue of civil unions with gay marriages come up because it is "immoral", I weigh those who commit adultery or cheat on their spouses as "immoral" too.

By that logic, there's no point in judging or putting limitations on who can marry. I'd rather see marriage be a representation of a couple's affection for one another...and whatever else goes on in the bedroom is clearly their own business...unless they are exhibitionsists or they want to tell anyone what they do.

Just several ways that I see marriage. It has no limitation, it shouldn't, so why does it?

sensualGoddess

Posted: 08 Oct 22:27

Great post, goddess! :) This is funny when put together:
"It's a document or a license of recognition..... marriage be a representation of a couple's affection for one another."

That's exactly the thing! Marriage has different meanings that can exclude one another... Anyways, totally agree on that people should be able to marry whoever they like :) (Hmmmm, would have some problems with grown men marrying little kids, so let's make that: any adult they like? ;))

RedRoses

Posted: 08 Oct 22:27

Yep, for clarification's sake. Although in several cultures...it is deemed appropriate for a grown man to marry a young, and I mean young woman. I guess the theory with this occurrence is the more younger the more fertile...that and the life expectancy rates around those cultures are usually low. :(

sensualGoddess

Posted: 08 Oct 22:27

Young women equals adult :) But yes I know: there's a thin line. I think it's about being on an equal basis in a relationship, being 'developed' into an adult that can make his/her own decisions... Something like that. But it's hard to pinpoint it.

I certainly wouldn't be the one complaining about age-differences considering my relationship ;)

RedRoses

Posted: 08 Oct 22:27

Maybe this is an odd question, but I've been thinking about it for a while now... Hope someone knows the answer:
If a person starts 'dating around', having sex included, how does one remain detached from the other?

This is a serious question, not rhetorical in any way... It's not like I don't believe that it's possible. I simply want to understand 'how?'. Or is there no 'how' to it? Is it not something you can learn; just something that 'is' or 'feels' that way?

Reason why I'm asking: because especially having sex is being deeply 'attached' physically to each other (for a short period of time)... And since whatever the body experiences has deep and strong connections to the mind and emotions (from a holistic point of view), how would you not feel some kind of bonding? Or even: not have the need to feel it prior to a physical act as such?

Perhaps I should look at it differently: perhaps there is bonding to some extend... Like: you do feel bonding, but feel it for more than 1 person? Hence: dating around could almost be the same as being 'exclusive' to more than 1 person? Even result in having a multi-relation with different people? Really, this is just me hopping around in me brains with questions: I simply wouldn't know!

Replies are very much appreciated :)

RedRoses

Posted: 08 Oct 22:27

I think it depends on the individual. In some people the various levels of 'bonding'/'love'/'attraction'/'sex' (not sure of the correct term that would encompass them all) are more connected than in others - these people would probably not feel comfortable in relationships in which these were detached - in fact, they might suffer emotionally in such relationships. In other people, however, these are more separate from one another.

Humble

Posted: 08 Oct 22:27

Dear Red,

Think of it this way: if you had two kids, you'd love them both - very deeply.
Bone of your bone and flesh of your flesh but not sexual in any way although it is an intimate bond.

So there are different 'kinds' of love.

Combat units form deep and cohesive bonds - "band of brothers" - despite interpersonal tensions between individual soldiers. Nothing sexual or loving about it.

So there are different 'kinds' of bonds.

Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. If it lives/reproduces sexually - it has sex. There's sex for fun; sex for reproduction; sex for bonding.

So there are different 'kinds' of sex - to put the term loosely.

Which kind of what one puts together is up to that person.

But if you think of sex as fun and as sharing pleasure with someone you like then where's the harm? Yes, we could all sit around an knit sweaters but, frankly, I can't knit worth a darn and would much rather take him to bed instead.

Having sex with him is also the fastest way to find out what he'd rather you not know. Is he selfish? Is he timid? Is he kind? Is he a bastard? Does he wear clean undies? Does he have issues? Well, strip him down and take him for test ride and you will find out because no one can hide when he/she is naked.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 08 Oct 22:27

Thank you for your posts. EEK, I agree with your view on how having sex shows you a sort of 'naked truth'. I also reckon that there are different kinds of love, bonds and sex. I recall I have been writing a post about it myself somewhere on this forum :) Thing is: I certainly can from an analytical point of view, but I don't understand: HOW? As soon as I'm cuddling about, naked and ready for sex, all I feel is emotions. Energy building up until it's under high pressure, that bursts when he enters me and starts swirling around through both our bodies. And that's a good feeling, yes hell it is!!! :D Every time we have sex, I end up loving him more (as beautiful as it is confusing)...

I have tried to focus on physical pleasure, separate it somehow, but that doesn't work. The way I orgasm is very much connected to this feeling. Whenever I masturbate, my orgasms are like a very high but very short peek. Whenever we make love, it's this rush coming over me again and again over hills and mountains :D Whenever I try to separate emotions from having sex, the lovemaking and my orgasms simply die along with it... And like you said: that really shows to him cause I can not hide: 'what's wrong baby?'

So maybe I should just consider myself lucky with this gift (which I very-very much do!!!), instead of wanting to be able to separate things... I just don't like the conclusion that whenever I'd loose him, I'd loose a part of myself...

RedRoses

Posted: 08 Oct 22:27

" I just don't like the conclusion that whenever I'd loose him, I'd loose a part of myself... " [btw, that's lose]

Who told you that stuff??? They're WRONG.

You do NOT lose a little piece of your heart for every man you sleep with outside of matrimony. Quite the contrary. Your heart expands and grows both larger and stronger with each addition, whether a romantic encounter or not, to its compass. And once taken into your heart - you cannot lose him or her. They remain there, just as you remain within him or her.

For example: I illegally dated during my later teen years a very nice older teddybear who, upon parting gave me a small wind chime - dark green owl and pagoda made of metal, vaguely oriental in design. Now for the past 36 years that wind chime has hung outside by my front door of each of my houses, we moved a lot, and never failed to bring forth smiles. Even my husband likes it.

Now - have I lost this previous lover or a piece of my heart?
No, not at all.
Instead of being a loss, he enriches my life and will continue to do so.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 08 Oct 22:28

What a beautiful post EEK! Reconsidering; I guess that really is the way I want to look at it :) This relationship did bring me good things! And it would be a shame if it ended some day, that I wouldn't be able to cherish that past! After all; the past is connected to me and to the future and this makes me what I am. You know what: your post is going to be on my list of things I should not forget (it's not a list of daily groceries, just a list of life-motto's and wisdoms that I try to live up to...)

O, and I wouldn't know who told me this actually... It's just what it feels like... Very vague answer to your question; I know! I'll try to explain:
It's just that it feels like he is connected to a great part of my sexuality; he's not only my first, I was not sexual in any way before my relationship with him. All sexual feelings I have are focused on him and I don't seem to feel it for anyone else (yet?)... Part of what I've developed/learned (like the orgasms), is even strongly attached to my emotions and so: to my feelings for him. This causes me to not be able to see my own sexuality apart from him... I guess that's it... I guess that's the fear of loosing myself; loosing a part of that sexuality and connection to my own body (which I cherish since the day it came back to me)...

This is simply my brain dump; does it make any sense? Anyhow; maybe the 'why' does not matter at all... It's more about the 'how'; how do I separate things? Hmmmm, would totally like to have a switch somewhere to experience both the 'melted' version of love-sex-bonding and just simply: sex ;) Just to keep it to myself... But like I pointed out: maybe I'm just very spoiled, considering what my body permits me to experience to the max!

RedRoses

Posted: 08 Oct 22:28