OP: Sexless marriage...

I agree that this is not what married life should be like. unfortunately, I'm in a similar situation. Her interest in sex has declined steadily with each child and each milestone in our relationship.

regarding her dislike of porn, jacking off and so on, if she isn't helping you deal with it her opinion on this doesn't really matter. You do what you need to do to keep from going insane.

I've found that my wife sometimes seem to be more interested than usual. And it really doesn't make much sense. Like the day after a night out with the people from the office, I even got a bit of doggie-style (sorry for those who don't like the term, no better term comes to mind right now) action, which is usually a big no-no with her. But if I act nice (and it's not just an act or something I do just to get some) the doors are closed, so to say. It's a bit unpredictable... It's almost, but not really, like she needs to fear that I'll go elsewhere to even care.

As you can tell, I haven't found an answer, but you aren't the only one in this kind of situation.

PerKr

Posted: 04 Oct 23:14

I hear you, but, to be honest... I have talked to her about that... and to be honeste, I got the feeling that she realy didnt care... I almost feel, and sorry if I said this, but, I was only hear to give her a kid, and to pay the bills and just leave her alone unless she needs something done...

on a side note, Im not even realy welcomed by her family, mostly her mother, because I will not listen and FOLLOW her every word and side with her about everything, mostly that my folks (as she says it) are a pair of uncaring SoBs that dont do anything and she does it all and I need to see it and that HER way! Sorry, venting there for a bit...

Sometimes I realy wonder if going out a having a girl, no, women on the side would not be worth it in the long run.......

rlgates

Posted: 04 Oct 23:14

hear what you're saying, I get the same kind of feeling sometimes. once in a while, we'll have sex, but most times she will reject me. And then she'll say things like "they're getting so big, why can't we have another child?". I tried talking to my wife as well, several times, and the only result is her telling me she really isn't interested in sex, it's not important to her and I'm just a strange, weird little man who thinks it's such a big deal.

Your mother-in-law is one of those know-it-all people who like to complain about everyone else as well? My mother-in-law will say dumb-ass stuff about my parents as well as about me and a lot of other people. I know she's just full of it and don't really care about her opinion on most things (I know, it's a bit disrespectful on my part). Like the time she told my wife she thought I was being grumpy and sour because I didn't want to take a look at her car and listen to some supposed transmission noise (she didn't ask me to have a look at it and even if I had looked/listened I would only have been able to give a semi-educated guess at best, I'm not a mechanic. And I was not acting grumpy or sour at all during that weekend). Sorry for getting side-tracked :-D

The question of whether one should be faithful... My wife said at one time that if I cheated on her (no, I have never cheated on her but I think we were watching some show on that topic and she just had to say something) she'd take the kids and leave me. The blame is always placed on the unfaithful one. But I think both are responsible in some way.
I need sex, and not just plain ordinary bible-style intercourse, I want more. She knows this but she's not interested in that. And she doesn't want me to masturbate (at least not when she's awake). And she wants us to go to bed at the same time, and will even say something to make me think there will be some action, only to reject me. And she will never take initiative. And she will abuse me verbally. And she will complain and demand that I get her something to eat, something to drink and so on while she sits in the sofa because she is SO tired (as if I'm not?). And then I'm supposed not to look elsewhere? My point is, since she knows how important this is for you and she still doesn't care, why should you care about being faithful in that regard? In the long run, staying in a relationship where you're growing more miserable with every day really isn't worth it. You'll end up very frustrated to the point of being hostile towards your wife and your kids will see this. I know because I'm in that situation right now.

PerKr

Posted: 04 Oct 23:14

Why did you guys marry these women then????

g-dubz

Posted: 04 Oct 23:15

im my case, she was not like this when we got married... it all started a year or so after that... at first.. I was thinking it was just stress from having a newborn in the house, but now... I dont know anymore

rlgates

Posted: 04 Oct 23:15

In my case, very similar to rigates, it wasn't like this before. In the beginning, we tried different things and after a while she wasn't as interested in testing things but we still had sex quite often. It gradually went from a lot of sex to virtually no sex over an 8-9 year period. I'm not sure if hormones can be blamed for some of this, we've had 3 kids after all and the contraceptives seem to have an effect on her temper (though I can understand why she prefers that over irregular and long periods she suffers from when she is off the pill).

But it's not like one enters this situation (referring both to the sex and to the in-laws) knowingly and getting out of it once children are involved is easier said than done.

It would be interesting to have cameras and microphones placed in every room to record it all and analyze it to see what triggers everything but sadly that's not really realistic seeing as how I would be biased, she wouldn't be interested (and yes, I know my wife well enough to say that) and I couldn't afford having an unbiased professional analyze that amount of material (and I wouldn't want anyone we know watching our arguments or occasional sex).

PerKr

Posted: 04 Oct 23:15

IDK, perhaps sex was just a means to an end for them and were never really interested in it in the first place and now don't feel the need to engage in it anymore now they're married to somebody (something that could've been spotted in the dating stage perhaps?) but then again I could be wrong being that I'm an unmarried single guy looking in.

g-dubz

Posted: 04 Oct 23:15

well, seeing sex as a means to an end certainly is one part of it. With my wife, I know she saw sex simply as what was needed to have kids. I, of course, hoped that would change (I mean, how on earth could anyone look at sex in that way?), but it's quite possible I was just fooling myself.

Again, it started out looking very good and I doubt it was a thought-out strategy ("I'll lure him in, we'll have a lot of sex, I'll get my kids and then I can just ignore his needs"). But certainly something changed over time, question is what happened and what can be done to counter it.
One theory would be that she no longer feels that she needs to make an effort because she has already won and doesn't need to worry about losing anything. I suppose that could be countered by demonstrating that she could in fact lose you to someone else, that others find you attractive or simply that you might prefer doing something other than sitting at home with her watching whatever show she thinks is worth watching.

My theory, on a good day, is that in most cases, something can be done to counter it. The question is what. What made her give me that very rare blowjob that evening when she normally really doesn't enjoy that? what made her go that little bit further that saturday morning? what made her reject you the saturday before? How do you identify the positive factors and the negative factors?

PerKr

Posted: 04 Oct 23:15

Perkr, I think you have have called it, I quote you

"Again, it started out looking very good and I doubt it was a thought-out strategy ("I'll lure him in, we'll have a lot of sex, I'll get my kids and then I can just ignore his needs")."

In all honest truth, thats just how I feel... all she does in my case is stay on her PC, will not talk or sleep all day... and bitch how I will not talk to her or spend time with her.... like IM the one who needs help with everything... Well, it is christmas... but like this last 4, its only a name to me realy, maybe a new year should find me making some hard choses... how much should you give someone if they cant give anything back in return....

rlgates

Posted: 04 Oct 23:16

seems to be more the norm
My wife and I have been together for almost 12 years, and we have had sex a total of three times in a year. Not too sure what changed, but I get excuses too. Even when we do "talk" about it I hear what I call excuses, I'm tired, don't feel good, or the classic headache, but she can sit on a computer all day. I completely agree that this isn't why I got married.

sc_rebel14

Posted: 04 Oct 23:16

Guys, I've been struggling with this for years. I asked pretty much the same question over 6 years ago here on this forum. Anyway, even though the sex has all but dried up, I feel that, as a man, your wife should want to please you. As a man, I go to work and provide for her and the kids and when it comes time for bed, she rolls over and shuts me out. I've come to the conclusion that we will not be having any type of sex, so now we just go to bed without saying a word. Just shut off the lights and wait a few minutes. She's out like the lights. Obviously this doesn't bother her. Me, on the other hand...I lay there wondering why I am not the same guy she couldn't wait to have sex with (years ago). Now, the nighttime silence is drifting into the daytime. I get home and nothing is said. There might be the obligatory peck but I see that going away too. She's always too tired. But if one of the kids had a project or needed help studying for a test, she'd be up until midnight. When did I become the low man on the totem pole? Always the last one to get any attention.

And for all those who might say that I am the problem, read the original thread that I posted 6 years ago. I help out a ton around the house and try to make her life easy. Now it is getting to the point where I have to ask myself, "Why the hell am I doing this"? If it were not for my kids, I'd have no one. My daughter will be off to college in a year and a half and my son is soon to follow. Then I will be all alone in a house with someone that refuses to seek help about her lack of sex drive. I love her too much to cheat or move out. Guess I'll just go on being miserable. Good luck guys...

notgettinany

Posted: 04 Oct 23:16

well, just a update on this for you all to talk over and maybe give me some ideas... Saturday afternoon, the 7th, me and the wife were relaxing in bed, some touchy feely did lead to some forplay and then well, she let me do something in the 6 years we have been togeather for never do... go down on her... not for long mind you, but still, in the 69 postion. but, it was more like 68 (I do you and you owe me, thanks Geroge Carlin for that one).

I still ended up not getting any more then that, and having to jack myself off, as she lay there and slowly feel asleep (herself not cumming or trying to fyi)

what I want to know... would this be a step in the right path to fixing all I am dealing with... or with her not trying to return the favor, would it be called a one time thing and I got played...

rlgates

Posted: 04 Oct 23:16

I'm not sure if it's a turning point or not. During the periods where we had virtually no sex, once in a while she would surprise me by willingly enter a 69, doggystyle or going down on me (once, didn't work out that well because the TV was on and her being distracted by that was kind of a turnoff). It's one of those things that makes you wonder what is going on, what did I do right this time and why aren't we doing it more often? I still haven't figured that out.

One thing I need to remember: when she says "I'm going to bed now" she doesn't always mean "I'm going to sleep, goodnight". sometimes what she is actually saying (without saying it) "I'm going to be waiting for you in bed...".
On the other hand, sometimes it's "I'm tired, I'm going to bed and I'll be asleep before you've turned out the lights and reached the stairs".

PerKr

Posted: 04 Oct 23:17

I dont know what to do, my husband is funny and smart, and we are really best friends at heart. We get each other, theres nothing we cant talk about and actually fight very little. We're both easy going to the point where if the other really wants something the other will give in and for the moment let them have it. We have a 2 year old with the same temperament so things in our small new little family are usually very relaxed and easy going daily.

Heres my problem: Ive talked to my husband before about feeling like he has almost no sex drive, hes 34, (not slim like he was before in the past) and works quite a bit although he is hes own boss. Hes does stress over things so before i have contributed his no to no sex drive to that, but i still have a higher drive then he does (im 7 years younger) and ive resorted to buying myself a dildo which i use when he isnt around because i can hard ever get anything beyond light kissing and hugging/groping with him. He claims that its my fault because we dont go to bed at the same time but i have tried that and still he flips over and falls fast asleep.

Am i missing something here? we've been together for 13 years and married for 4 now. Hes swears up and down that my going to bed is the only thing that stands in the way of this issue but he still does not demonstrate any kind of sexual longing for me or looks the way he used to. Ill buy new hot outfits and i get a little more then a glance and a small comment about liking it but thats it!

Im not expecting him to behave like a 20 year old anymore, and i know that as the years go on obviously relationships relax and change, and you wont get AS MUCH of the "i want you now" looks, but GEEZ! i have to initiate everything almost everytime now.

does he have a low sex drive? are we so old now that hes just not that interested in sex with me anymore? i know the love is still very much THERE, but nothing physically is happening much anymore now. any thoughts??

what can i do to change things alittle?

side note:
i cant give bj's because i can barely swallow pills and i choke easily
i dont want him to go on me and hes totally OK with that anyway during sex
he doesnt like me to really even touch his penis when hes hard for some reason
hes not too much into foreplay which is kinda sad to me

Hes also gained some weight and says he "doesnt feel good about himself because of how he looks and thats why we dont do it that much" as he claims. He has a bit of a gut now, where as before he used to work out and lift weights. = /

I'd like to add that im also in the process of building my own version of the Sybian sex toy. I know my husband would be against it because of the usual "man" reasons of feeling not good enough, and/or not being included/being replaced. This is another issue i want him to be ok with if hes not going to give me enough sex to meet my needs but i dont know how to talk to him about this.

Is it worse to have something like a sybian toy, and never tell you spouse because you know how they'll react? or to have one and tell them your going to use it whenever you want, and have them feeling replaced or inadequate??

I love him so much but i just know he wont like what im doing, but i have needs too and when ive tried to initiate sex with him, i get turned away 90 percent of the time. how do i talk him through this? or should i just keep it to myself and never tell him i have one??

ScarletLace86

Posted: 04 Oct 23:46

Hi Scarlet.

Has your husband always had a low sex drive, or is this a recent development? It could simply be that having put on some weight he doesn't feel confident with you seeing him naked. Is he happy with you seeing him naked in non sex related situations, such as after a shower or swimming?

You said that he claims that it's because you go to bed at different time, which sounds like an excuse to me. Does he usually go to bed before you? In which case, he is probably feeling tired at that point anyway. If he usually goes to bed later than you, then he should have enough energy at the time you usually go to bed. Picking a time during the day could be a good idea, rather than trying to have sex when you want to go to sleep. It can be hart to find the time to have sex sometimes, so arranging a regular time/day when you can be alone together to have sex could help.

Personally, my sex drive is naturally low. Sex doesn't really do much for me, so I don't really think about it. This almost always means that it is my wife that initiates sex, but I won't refuse her unless I'm totally knackered. I understand my wife's needs, and enjoy giving her pleasure even though id doesn't do that much for me personally. I would be perfectly happy with my wife using toys to pleasure herself when I'm not up to it.

In any case, you need to talk to your husband about your concerns, your plans and your reasons for doing so. He needs to know that you are not satisfied with the way things are. He needs to know that still find him attractive and want to have sex with him. You should tell him your plans to build a machine; he'll find out eventually, and the fact you kept it a secret could make the situation worse.

fog99uk

Posted: 04 Oct 23:46

See a marriage counselor.

Brandye

Posted: 04 Oct 23:57

I can't believe that all these "not interested in sex" posts are all wives talking about how their husbands aren't interested in sex anymore! My situation is exactly the opposite. I am always ready to go and she just smiles and says, "later" which rarely ever happens. And when it does, (usually bedtime)she is so concerned that the kids will hear us, she makes me wait for an hour or so after the kids have gone to bed to make sure they are asleep. She also has become totally non-verbal or basically expressionless when we do make love. I mean I can't even get a squeek out of her!

Some background...we've been together for 18 years and married for 14. We are both 43 and in relatively good shape. I love her to death and I know she loves me too. Sex used to be a marathon event with multiple orgasms. Sex used to be a daily activity. Weekends were usually twice a day. It didn't matter what time of the day...she was always eager. Now whenever we do have sex (maybe once a week), its the same old things (she isn't receptive to new things). As soon as she has an orgasm, she is ready to stop. Now I ask, How many of you women have actually ever asked "Are you almost done?" Done? I never want to be "done". I want it to be like it used to be. I want to know that I am making her feel good. I want to hear it. I want her to tell me that it felt great like she used to tell me. I can't even remember the last time I actually heard her say that she enjoyed what had just happened or what was happening. The other day, I actually felt like I was just using her to masterbate. I was getting no feedback as usual and then she asked me, "Are you almost done?" I just stopped, rolled over and grabbed the remote. She rolled over and went to sleep. Wouldn't any of you women think that something might be wrong there?

I have gone to many different websites & forums and have forwarded things to her to try to spark things up a bit. When I get home, I'll check the email account and sure enough, she has read my emails. At bedtime, nothing changes.

Wow. As I re-read this, I think we've got some problems.

I can go on ond on and feel like I am just starting to ramble, so I'll just sign off now.

notgettinany

Posted: 05 Oct 07:59

When did she start getting worried that the kids would hear? if you've been married for 14 years is it a recent thing.

Anyway as far as I'm concerned if you're in a relationship with someone then you have obligations and one of them is sex. It's like some people expect their partner to remain monogamous while they turn sex on or off like a tap. It's one thing if there's some problem but even still you need to let your partner know.

So your wife needs to let you know why she doesn't want to have sex, she needs to realise its a problem and then you can work it out from there. Rather than just let the whole thing simmer like some passive aggressive nightmare, just get it out in the open.

sarah_rsl

Posted: 05 Oct 07:59