Human sexual desire is sometimes a weird and uncontrollable thing.
An initial question is whether your husband is uninterested in sex in general, or just has lost interest in sex with you. I guess -- if you've got him well beat in the computer-savvy department -- you can pretty easily tell whether he's looking at porn on the computer. That isn't real definitive (maybe he's so un-savvy he can't find porn? ... nah, that's not even possible), but it's indicative. If he's not having sex with you, and he doesn't have some sort of condition, he's certainly masturbating, and some porn comes in handy for that. It would be normal to find he's looking at something. If there are no tracks at all, and he doesn't have some magazines stashed somewhere, there's a good chance either that there's something odd going on with him, or that he's more savvy with the computer than you think. If the former, maybe medical science can save the day.
Putting that to the side, I guess I'd probably assume that he's functional and has some interest in general (that is, there's no weird hormone disorders or bizarre repressed memories of devil-worshipping rapists involved).
You say he loves you, and I believe you're right (after all, you should know). Maybe it sounds weird, but it is possible for a guy to love a woman and not be interested in having sex with her, even if she is generally attractive. After all, with a few disturbing exceptions, most of us guys love our sisters and have no interest in them at all. For that matter -- perhaps getting a little close to home, and with exceptions that are even more disturbing -- most men love their mothers. One thing that, in my highly inexpert opinion, can happen to married couples over time, is that the wife increasingly becomes like a mother or a sister to her husband. Anyway, you see where that's going ....
Throw in another element: men (women too, I guess, but that's not what we're talking about) are trained and socialized to repress their sexual desires in certain circumstances. For example, those of us who work in large business offices are surrounded by dozens or scores of female secretaries, assistants, junior executives, interns and the like, many of whom are attractive, well-dressed and friendly, and who are absolutely, positively off limits if you don't want your name, and your employer's, attached to a sexual harassment suit, not to mention divorce proceedings and applications for a new job. Bill Clinton to the contrary, it is possible to deal with this by keeping your attention limited to the shoulders on up. The danger (kind of a weird danger) is that can spill over to how you deal with all women, including your wife.
Also, almost any activity -- including ones people quite enjoy when they're hobbies or recreations -- becomes unappealing once it's a responsibility or a job. One thing I think you want to avoid is trying to shame him into sex. That just makes it like mowing the lawn or something. Plus, if you convince him that there's something wrong with him for not desiring sex with you, you won't make him interested, you'll just make him hate the whole topic.
So far, I've just given you meandering and possibly ill-founded amateur arm-chair psychology, but not a lot of suggestions. A few random ideas:
- If the TV is your enemy, enlist it as an ally. See if you can get something racy on there (pay-per-view, or rent something), and give him a blowjob or a handjob while he watches it. Just take the initiative with this, and don't give him too much of a chance to stop you. You may be able to figure out what sort of porn appeals to him. If not, I guess I'd probably go for something not too kinky. Maybe something amateur or gonzo could get him going.
- If you do have sex at all, don't be too demanding. See if you can interest him in a quickie, even if that means he gets off and you don't. I know that sounds unfair, but that's the hand you've been dealt. If he wants to watch TV afterwards, let him. The notion is that you'll at least awaken his interest and ultimately lure him back into something more mutually satisfactory. To address the last issue I noted before these specific ideas: make sure you compliment him, both with words and actions. If he doesn't really deserve it, do your best to find something you can believably praise. Size of his organ is a safe one: I think we're all suckers for that one, at least so long as it's not patently a lie.
- Sometimes the whole pattern of how you initiate things gets muddied. He may be turned off by the way you initiate things, or that you're initiating things at all; but he may not have a clear idea of how to get things going himself if he ever is in the mood. I don't have a tremendous idea here, but maybe you could give him a simple signal to use to tell you he's ready. Like a codeword, or some interesting item of clothing or underclothing. You can probably think up something better. Maybe it could relate back to, and remind him of, a happier and more functional time in your relationship.
- Or try being matter-of-fact and make it simple and easy for him. For example, some time when you're due to go somewhere (to work, or wherever), you could just say, "I've got ten minutes until I have to leave, how about quick ****?" See the point two back. Maybe it works, maybe it's stupid.
- If you determine that he has any kinks, fetishes or fantasies (I don't know: public sex? leather? armpits?), indulge them. This could be counter-productive, though. And make sure he really has an interest in what you try. The fact that some guys like leather bustiers doesn't mean that any of the rest of us do.
- A highly controversial and maybe crazy thought: As a last resort, you might try to reawaken his sex drive by getting him to have sex with someone else. An escort could work, since you don't want someone who might actually get emotionally attached to him. This has great potential to be very counter-productive (as well as some legal and disease risk), so only do it if you're going to leave him otherwise, and probably not even then.
Two other thoughts:
- This is implicit in my post above, but maybe not obvious. If you know (or assume) that he's not just asexual altogether, what you're really trying to do is not so much to replace his sleeping or TV watching with sex with you, but to replace his masturbation with sex with you.
- Think about what's different about you now, so far as he's concerned, vs. when you first met. The problem is, perhaps, buried somewhere in those differences. You're in a better position to analyze this than anyone else, but a few possibilities: availability, mystery and novelty (as in: currently there's more of the first, and less, if any, of the last two). Is there anything you can do to restore one or more of these, or something else, more to how it once was? Also: note that some of the common suggestions -- like prancing around naked in front of him -- are actually contraindicated by this analysis.
NizeGie
Posted: 06 Oct 21:34
