OP: Sexless marriage...

Well, I have not come on here for a very long time, but.. I could use some help.. Little bit about me right now.. and if I miss type or spell soemthing please go ease on me... tired and spelling/typing are not my best skills...

I have been married for 3 years this month... my wife and I have one child, little girl who will be 4 this 12/23, yes I know, was not planed, but she is very far from not being loved.. light of my life realy..

But here is the thing... my wife and I have not had any type of sex sence, well, we found out we were going to have a child... yes.. I know.. no sex of ANY kind. Oral, hand, full contact... NOTHING, ZIP, NONE, BIG FAT ZERO! I have talked to her about it, asked her why, and the reason I have been given is, "sex is not imported to me and you need to just deal with that."

I have tryed to have us go to someone to help with this... and she just says she wants no part of it... but, jacking off, porn or anthing like that, she cant stand... But I still do it when she is not here... I feel like a 17 year old pumping one off when there folks are not home, and that is not what being married should feel like, right? Haveing to please your self when no one is looking or is home?

Tryed touching and rubbing, and she goes to sleep, cant stand to be kissed, or playfully touched when its just us at home... was this way on the first night we were married and on the whole honeymoon as well...

I dont know what I am asking for... friendly ear, help, ideas.. honestly I am at lost...


Posted: 04 Oct 23:13


I think you're all wrong about using the word "obligation". Thats what it has turned into. I think she is having sex because she seems obligated to do so. When sex goes from all the time, vocal, marathon sessions to "are you almost done?" ,quiet and movement less "obligations", then thats when you have a problem. I want what we used to have.

I asked her one time if she ever heard her parents going at it as her room was right next to thiers. She said yes. That our problem right there. I even went as far as replacing all of the bedroom doors with solid heavy wooden ones to help soundproof the room.


Posted: 05 Oct 08:00

Sarah is 110% correct you have to communicate and get things out in the open and
see if you can work through this.....


Posted: 05 Oct 08:00

I was like that for a long time, I had depression and would use any excuse I could NOT to have sex. I have an 11 yr old and do sometimes worry she wil lhear us, but NOW that won't stop me. My hubby and I have had rough times. I would sit down and really talk to her, communication is HUGE, we never had that till recently. I am sorry you are going through this. I have just realized what I did to my marriage and my hubby. Maybe she needs to see a dr...


Posted: 05 Oct 08:01

Pardon me, but yes, hearing her parents, and not wanting the kids to hear - both are very reasonable.

So what you should do is ACCEPT her reasons and think of ways to assuade her fears instead of dismissing them. Improving the soundproofing is a good start. Now think of ways of getting alone with your wife in your house. Can you find a room farther away from the kids? Perhaps some background music? Maybe signing the kids up for something on the weekends to get them out of the house?

Come on, work with us here.


Posted: 05 Oct 08:01

i realize that this post is late but...

There could be a physical reason she's this way. I went through this with my husband and it was bad for us both. it got to the point where i just dreaded him getting "that look" or even touching me and i would think 'please no' and i would give in just to shut him up... i still loved him and i didn't know why i lost interest in sex. he even thought maybe i was cheating on him because i had zero interest in sex- and we used to be very active. Went to the doc and turns out that I have pcos, my estrogen and insulin levels were off, doc says it gets worse with age. (yay...) i'm now on meds that correct the problem and my husband and i are back to having fun at least a couple of times a week. ;)

i can't speak for your wife, and i truly hope there's nothing seriously wrong. I just know that the problem i have had a serious impact on my marriage and i know that my lack of interest made my husband feel the way that you do. Thank God for modern medicine.

Best wishes.


Posted: 05 Oct 08:02

What she said to you was beyond WRONG! and dis-respectfull!
"Are you done?"

Funny because i really feel some women get so comfortable they lose sight of what could really be happening to them...in a sense that...if she wants to make your sex life so lame....and she has given up on it then,i wonder wha smart ass remark she will have to say when you are getting some Poosy elsewhere!

This is a short life buddy...i say go have some fun! And when you get home and she realizes after a year that you havent initated the sex or even touched her in that manner when she is ready for some...ask her in the midst of her 4play....

Are you done?

then roll over and commence the snoring!


Posted: 05 Oct 08:03

I assume you are talking about Ovarian failure? Well, don't concern yourself too much since the hormones work miracles. Yeap zero estrogen means no sex drive since Estrogen is a precursor to testosterone production. Get on the HRT or BCP's....wait the 6 months and bingo, libido is best!

Be certain to let him know what is going on...you took the first step & saw a doc and began tx...next is making it a go in your mind!

To the OP: Married for that long...why worry about parents? Gosh, scream who cares...come on they don't think you are virgins! And obligated or done? HUH? How about feeling wanted over and over?

That's what one does/acts for the man she loves...she wants him to never get out of their bed! Heck, I was known to call out ill for a day or two to spend time with the one I loved!


Posted: 05 Oct 08:03

He's dismissing her concerns so she's dismissing him.
Not so difficult to figure that one out.
What goes around, comes around.

The question is - is he really willing to do what is necessary to achieve his desires?


Posted: 05 Oct 08:04

Thats beyond bullshit EK.
"He's Dismissing Her so She's Dismissing him"?

So Tit for Tat?...Thats a wifes solution?

Dude seems like he has been concerned enough and further more patient beyond beleif!

to be honest if she keeps up the nonsense without communication with her husband on this very VERY serious issue...dude is gonna end up getting some elsewhere....just like you women....us men too need too feel wanted.


Posted: 05 Oct 08:04

Okay I'll say it - yes, his being a jerk doesn't give her a free pass BUT
until she gets his attention - THERE'S DAMN ALL "COMMUNICATION" THAT CAN BE DONE!

Tit for tat - would you prefer she slams him upside the head with a cast iron frying pan??

Or how about bellowning and screaming at him so he tunes out or leaves the house? How about a nice fight?

If a man is not listening (and he isn't)- then why should she waste her breath or her time? She DID tell him and he just brushed it off as nonsense.

It takes two to make a marriage and it takes two to break one.

and how long have you been married, SFSC??


Posted: 05 Oct 08:04

Long enough too know that if i ever heard the words "Are You Done Yet" she would be by herself and wouldnt have to worry about asking me such a disrespectfull question!

I dont know about what your claiming as far as He is not listning...where did you ever get that information because it must have passed me...

She is Ignoring her own husbands sexual and physical needs as a man...her level of comfort is so threw the roof its amazing.

So its a crime too let your own children hear there Married MOM and DAD make love?! im not sayin tear the house down but whats the f*ckin problem?

And again the reality of this is say a month goes past and they talk it out and try to get help...if this doesnt work and there is no physical health reason why she is actin this way i can guarentee she wont have too worry much about this because dude is gonna get some elsewhere and still be home for dinner like nothing ever happened


Posted: 05 Oct 08:04

YES it is! You think of how you would feel, as a child, hearing your parents fucking and then come back and tell me how much you'd love it. Picture it in your mind now and still it can make you go EEEEWWW!

He asked. She told him. He dismissed her concerns as being 'not important'. Now, he's wondering why she's not talking to him. DUH!!

Any woman who asks "are you done yet" is obviously NOT thrilled by her partner's lovemaking. Rather than him getting his ego all twisted up, THINK it through. What did her partner ignore? See above. He dismissed her concerns as not being important and yet still expects her to put out and pander to his desires at the expense of her own.

Yeah, like that's going to work out well.


Posted: 05 Oct 08:05

hey Evil Kitten,
I should have checked back here after my initial posts! You are WAY off. Yes, my wife told me that she heard her parents and NO, I didn't ignore what she said. She claims that she does like sex and that her sex drive is not low, but her "are you done yet" comment screwed with my brain. I can take her not even sqeeking out a whimper or making sure the door is locked and the tv is blairing...but the fact that there is not any interest or initiation on her part is what hurts. I do listen. I bring up the topic all the time. I do way more around the house than the average guy to alieve some of her work. I try to flirt with her daily and leave messages for her on her cell to let her know that I am thinking about her. I hear what she says and unfortunately when she gives me that look and that little smile and says "later", then I believe her. When later comes, then NOTHING. How in the world did you read between the lines and determine that I don't listen to my wife?

Here's a perfect example for you. This past Saturday, the kids were away at their friends. I took my wife to the mall to buy her some new outfits. Everything was nice and she even took my hand as we walked through the mall. Here I am thinking that she is actually showing ME some attention. We get home and as I should have guessed it, she is worried that the kids might come home. Perfect opportunity and I'm shot down again.

To the others that have posted...thanks for the advice. I will however never go elsewhere and get what I am lacking at home. I took my vows very seriously and I will not cheat on my wife.

When you use quotation marks, that means someone actually said what you are putting the quotes around. What gave you the impression that I dismissed her concerns? And how can you put quotes around "not important"? I never said either of those things. I guess sound-proofing our bedroom (and the kids) with solid doors and rearranging our bedroom so that the bed is on the outside wall means that I am not listening, huh? Does that sound like I am dismissing her concerns? NO. I'm trying to make things right. I'm the one who is spending my time here on this board searching for answers and to help spice things up. Do you think I can get her to even look at this forum? The answer is NO. I have mentioned this forum and other sites and invited her to view them with me at home, but she won't. Now who isn't listening? I talk and make suggestions and she is the one who isn't responding. She ignores me. She is the one who is "dismissing" my concerns. You got it all backward

Now before you go ahead and respond to me that I have the problem, think again and really answer the question as if it were a woman with this problem. As I said in my very first thread, it seems that all the issues are with women not getting any sex from their men. Now that the issue is reversed by a guy that really and truely wants things to be the way they used to be, I don't listen to her...Men have needs to and those needs shouldn't be dismissed.

I have suggested that she go to her Dr. to see if she has any hormonal issues or any other problem Afterall, we are both 43 and there could be a problem. Again, my suggestion is dismissed and the subject goes away.


Posted: 05 Oct 08:05

I say the same thing to women that I say to men..and in some cases.. even worse; like when women complain about men watching pornography - then women really catch it! Your frustration was in your text and tone.

She has something going on in her head that she's not willing to tell you about or willing to even discuss with you. It could be that she thinks sex is only for procreation and that now she's a mommy, she needn't bother any more. It could be that she thinks you will think less of her if she admits that she likes sex but this kind of sex and fears losing your respect for her. It could be any number of erroneous ideas. But she has stopped talking to you.

Why is that?

Does she feel like you are holding a gun to her head? Frustration, badgering, and anger are not going to cure this. Go ahead and lose your temper with me just don't do it with her because if you do, you will only confirm whatever negative thoughts she is holding onto. And it will also keep her not talking to you. Women love to talk - so why has she stopped? We can only guess. You should know.

Men have needs. Yep! No doubt of it! Trouble is, she has sovereignty.

Let's recap: you have soundproofed the room and doors, and have repositioned the bed. You have asked (?) her to read this forum, and perhaps others. Thus far nothing has changed.

Your choices are:

1. accept never having sex with her again, STFU, and staying married to her
2. separating from her and leaving the house for a time letting her get a taste of the single life (potentially dangerous - she might prefer it)
3. divorce - the final solution
4. counseling - with or without holding the threat of separation/divorce over her head and with or without medical investigation - stress, hormonal inbalance etc.
5. Stamp aound the house bellowing and arguing about it indefinitely - war zone option - lots of tit for tat
6. extramarital affairs

BTW if you have been doing option 5 - the war zone, your chances of ultimate success are diminished. This is where her 'are you done yet?' comment belongs. Her question leads me to believe that you two may have been having heated arguments about this. It takes two not only make a marriage: it also takes two to break one.

So what's it going to be?


Posted: 05 Oct 08:06

Screw this!
Dude you seem too be extending the Consideration hand out way further than Normal or needs to be for your wife!

Ask me and I say ya wife has really neglected too even show your needs or your feelings any consideration!

For your info i have heard my parents gettin it on when i was a kid! But this is now over 20yrs later since then so WTF gives!?

This women is looking for a million excuses!
These 2 are maried and have children..that doesnt mean life ends.

Dude i hear you LOUD & CLEAR! More power too you bro but i still say you can put up with this for so long and then your either gonna fullfill ya needs elsewhere or get a divorce and live ya life!


Posted: 05 Oct 08:06

Notgettinany are you my husband?:eek: Just kidding.

I feel so bad for you because of two reasons I hear you and I know exactly how my husband feels. I am your wife at times. So if she wont tell you I will for me the issue of my poor husband not getting any. Lots of things could be happeneing with her that you might know because either she cant control it or is too embarrassed to say anything so she finds excuses like the kids to get out of having sex.

1. You say you two are 43. Could it be possible she is having other problems like hormonal. Night sweats, fatigue or being depressed? This could be the onset of "the change" or menopause. Do some reading on it. How regularly does she see her gynecologist. We as mother especially with teens and pre teens often put off our needs to see the doctor.

2. How much has she changed physically since you have been married? Yes I am specifically talking about her weight. I was a size 11/12 5'10 when I met my husband and was a little self concience about my weight and how I looked but not to the point it affected our sex life. We used to have sex all the time. I have had some medical issues being diagnosed with RA back in Sept. I have gained some serious weight and now wear an 18 pant size. I am not comfortable with looking at myself in the mirror let alone being naked in front of my husband. The thought of sex makes me cringe and een though I want to have sex I feel so ashamed of my own body. My husband has NEVER said anything to me about my weight because he would not do that. He never makes me feel like what I weigh. The problem is with me. I have teenagers at home then the big age gap between them and my son who is a toddler. I try eating better and excersise for me is hard on some days with the RA. I also have a husband who has an extremely high metabolism so he can eat what he wishes and never gains any weight. He is also on the hyper side. So whatever junk he eats he burns it right off. Point is if she cant see herself as being sexy then sex is not going to happen. You can try til all you want to help her but the problem lies in her own self image. If weight is an issue.

I think the kids is an excuse because this wasn't happening before. While I would understand if she felt this way when they were a little younger. I felt so bad about talking dirty or doing things other than missionary style to procreate after I became a mother. I felt dirty like what turned me on was completely taboo.

Also from experience do not tell her things ( if she comes out and says this is a self image problem) like you are so sexy "sexy" just makes things worse. If she does not feel sexy you telling her is just going to turn her off and maybe make her mad, at least that is what was happeneing to me. If she feels more comfortable wearing some lingerie that covers areas she is not so comfortable about let her. Or if she just wants to wear a tee shirt or night shirt let her and do not attempt to see her all the way naked, trust me this helps.

I do hope she will tell you what is going on and when you find out it will all make sense to you. She might be going through none of this or one of these things I mentioned or perhaps all of them. I hope my information helped. Good luck with your date. You sound like a good man who loves his wife and are well aware something is going with her. Just some things that women go through no matter how much you communicate they freeze and wont talk about.


Posted: 05 Oct 08:07

Notgetany: My wife is the same way (married 20 years) never in the mood, nothing to do with kids hearing us, won't discuss this with me, won't go to a Dr. thinks everything is ok...I feel your pain.....not getting any here either. MAybe ask her if you could have an open marriage and find sex outside of your marriage with her permission. If she's not interested in going to a Dr or trying to be good to her husband then maybe you find sex outside discreetly for the sake of friends, family and children. You just can't stop having sex or be treated that way....are you done yet? Yuk Yuk how puny...what a way to treat her love.


Posted: 05 Oct 08:07

AGREED GIBSON52!!!!!!!!!!

Thats what i said! You are right! You can't Just STOP having sex! your a man...a human! you have needs too and if your WIFE isnt willing too handle the needs of her HUSBAND well there is someone else in the world who will


Posted: 05 Oct 08:07