OP: Relationship reverting back to just friends...

That did get you a great story Firmus! :) I don't think they offer that to men over here. Though you may never know. Some policies are just estranged by double standards. Like when I had my tonsils cut, I was given a morphine-shot after surgery. I really wasn't in that much pain, but it was standard procedure and with my head still hazy of the full anesthetics, I just didn't complain. Boy, did that stuff get me to dreamy-dreamy-little-pony-care-bear-and-what-not-land :p:) But particularly when I compare that pain to the pain I went through yesterday, it seems pretty lopsided.

EDIT: ok, I looked it up and about the first dozen hits of websites of Dutch hospitals and physicians say that your doctor will prescribe you Diazepam 10 mg (or something comparable) to take 2 hours prior to a vasectomy, as part of standard procedure. It so makes me wonder why they'd make a big deal out of prescribing such a tablet prior to an endoscopy... :confused:

RedRoses

Posted: 06 Oct 00:08

Anesthetics Don't last long on me, I woke up during a double hernia surgery and asked for a drink of water. I still remember the doctor saying damn it nurse he's awake, and the mask being put over my face. I remember the dentist saying what the hell to they numb you with, I replied a rubber mallet ! I'm used to a lot of pain, during my shoulder rotor cuff repair, I had two extra doctors in the room. One watched the anesthetics being used, I guess the other was standing there just in case. That's the first time I stayed under, but the pain pills they gave afterwards, never did any good. I wonder why they would not allow someone who needs it, anything that would help .

Studmuffin

Posted: 06 Oct 00:08

Red, I have been reading along with this. Think of it as not required for another ten years if you had no polyps. Some of the procedure sounds a bit non-standard to me (why the enema after all the cleansing stuff day before) and the lack of anything to relax you. By the time you get to it again, the "virtual colonoscopy (actually a CT Scan) will be the standard. Same cleaning out procedure but absolutely non-invasive. As the resolution of these is improving, they are becoming more prevalent. For instance anyone on blood thinners should have the virtual rather than the standard. Price is coming down and the cleansing/sterilization of instrument is much simpler when nothing goes in there.

As a side effect, you also get a check for aneurysm and a look at whatever else may be in there but outside the intestines.

Brandye

Posted: 06 Oct 00:09

I guess you're in a difficult minority Studmuffin. Whether you're used to pain or not, that can't be easy on you!

Thank you Brandye. That's a comforting thought. No polyps. Perhaps very tiny ones hiding underneath the coating, which they could have missed now. I did get to take home pictures of my colon. Now who wouldn't want that on the wall next to the family portraits ? ;):D

That upcoming method sounds great! And that side-effect sounds very beneficial :) One of the things I've requested, is if they could check whether everything is just properly shaped/sized/positioned inside my abdomen. After all; I am having episodes of unexplainable abdominal pain. And there's my blood values that indicate an infection that's still not accounted for.

Somehow; my request so far was continuously ignored. Whereas I've read about how they can make external or internal ultrasounds to get a good look at the abdominal cavity and everything inside(?) Something doctors shouldn't be hesitating about, since it's supposedly really not as expensive as a CT. And it's apparently a very low impact exam on the patient. But I don't know, I just read ;) I'll get a consult with my physician to discuss what to do next. I guess I'd just like to prevent getting send home with nothing, waiting for the next bad episode to come along.

RedRoses

Posted: 06 Oct 00:09

The reason why it doesn't get alarming from the medical perspective, is because I don't get a fever. If I do, only for a day or two. Or a day or two of rather low bodyt emperature. Also; the blood values indicate an infection that's obviously present, yet not overly active. But the fact is; I've been going on for years now with bad episodes of pain, diarrhea, vomiting, fainting, dehydration, etc. Sometimes it lasts a few days, sometimes weeks. I've been on the brink of being administered at a hospital a few times. And have some (seemingly?) unrelated randomly appearing complaints buzzing around me like bees around a hive. It's extremely tiring. And I would finally like answers. Which is why I went through this. I guess I'm looking for some doctor House to write all my symptoms down on a white board and suddenly see how they are all magically connected :rolleyes: To contribute to a happy-ending: leading to a cure. Although I wouldn't want to end up in some critical state at a hospital first and this doctor may be a little less sadistic and grumpy, thank you very much ;):):D

RedRoses

Posted: 06 Oct 00:09

There are limits to ultrasound called bones. Pictures of the abdominal cavity are quite good, all soft tissue. Because of the placement of liver, pancreas, gall bladder, their pictures will be partially occluded by the rib cage.

Do speak with your doctor about what can be done. Have the specific pathogens been identified? Has anyone tried empirical treatment with a broad spectrum anti-biotic? Not advocating, because only one with the test results and history should be doing this.

Brandye

Posted: 06 Oct 00:09

Agreed. Something is definitely wrong and has been missed for more than a few years now- something pathological is eroding her health. Just because it isn't overtly hostile doesn't mean it isn't there and doing damage.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 06 Oct 00:09

They've recently tried to identify a pathogen, but couldn't find any. Even though -not very tasty detail- the stool was rather black, slimy and strings of dark red blood mixed through it, which is sort of alarming. It made my physician believe that antibiotics are not an option, would probably make me feel more ill (sounds reasonable). He thought that perhaps I could have an infected polyp, something could be lingering and infecting in between the crypts of the colon tissue or the insides of my colon could be infecting itself somehow (like an auto-immune disease; this option has been brought to the table before). Hence why he ordered the colon exam. Apparently; it's neither of that. Which off course I'm happy about. It's just the question remaining; what is it?

For one thing; I don't want this hunt to be taken out of the woods again. Let's catch the damn fox! I know that only the medics with access to my medical file can eventually help me. It just wouldn't be the first time I bring an option to the attention of treating doctors that's happily received. And after all; I'm responsible for this body -not to mention rather depending on it :rolleyes:- and therefor should try to make it better. That's why I much appreciate that you fine people are thinking along with me! Thank you :) Btw; everything is still pretty much irritated, sore and cramping. No happy weekend for me here :(

RedRoses

Posted: 06 Oct 00:09

I have a question on how to deal with illness and a relationship/friendship. He has become my little savior for the past weeks. While I'm ill, he regularly comes to help me out with the groceries. I can't go where I need to be or can't get myself home, he drives me. I've fainted, he comes to pick me up. So basically; I call, he comes to the rescue. No matter what unholy hour. And I really very much appreciate everything he does. Particularly because he is a bit low on energy himself. So I try to limit these calls for help to the absolute necessary.

But; this also means that he only sees me while I'm at my worst... In fact; he hasn't seen me in good moments ever since our holiday. Which you may guess also reaffirms the lopsided balance in our relationship in which he is the one who cares for me and worries about me. I sure do have many moments I'm quite alright, happy and smiling. Other people have complimented me on how I'm still so cheerful. But they don't see me as he does; while I'm down sweating and breathing trying to overcome pain, sometimes crying because I feel so disheartened. I'm thankful for the way he comforts me in such moments. And perhaps I'm bitching when I say this; but I just want the image he has of me to change into a more complete picture. I just don't know how.

Btw; the cause still hasn't been indicated and we're still looking. I'll get new test results tomorrow. As much as I'm hoping to find a cause, I'm also hoping all is fine. It's a very contradictory mixture of feelings...

RedRoses

Posted: 06 Oct 00:09

IF you can, shop over your computer for a small gift for him. Something that's a 'token' between you as friends and as lovers. Nothing big, flasy or expensive - but something 'touching' and 'meaningful' - just to say "thank you, I appreciate you and I care about you because you're you."

Okay?

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 06 Oct 00:09

I've bought us tickets to the theater last week. It will be a while before the date, but he was enthusiastic that I invited him :) They're not expensive tickets, but it's by performers we both very much enjoy seeing. Something like that? Or were you pointing out to something a bit more just for him?

He isn't an easy person to buy gifts for. When I spot something I know he'll love, I usually find out he bought it himself yesterday ;) He does appreciate gifts. I've made him several paintings, which he's proudly displayed. Every card I've written him with short loving messages he keeps above his desk. A little teddybear I got him last year to thank him for his support through all the drama, is next to his bed. He seems really touched by such gifts.

RedRoses

Posted: 06 Oct 00:10

Personally, I think the tickets are a great idea. EEK will have to clarify whether she meant something more "just him" or more tangible, but I think this means an opportunity for the two of you to spend time together in the good moments you crave. Sometimes experiences and memories are the most touching gifts.....

lnt1103

Posted: 06 Oct 00:10

Cool, thanx! Then I apparently was on the right track :) I guess I should be a little less rushing and a bit more patient; particularly with myself. I think it's just starting to eat on me that for some time now I haven't been able to be a healthy functioning adult, fully contributing member to society, happy and reciprocating (girl)friend, etc. I feel like I'm stuck on this leash that keeps me in place next to the drainpipe ;) Btw; my physician can't make heads nor tails of my complaints no more, but recognizes my situation is becoming more and more alert, so he'll put me in care of a specialist. I hope that will be accomplished soon.

RedRoses

Posted: 06 Oct 00:10

I really hope that this referral to the specialist will be of help.There is nothing worse than not knowing the cause of ones health problems,and not getting the answers you need from the medical professionals.Hoping things will start getting better for you in every way.

Aphrodite_66

Posted: 06 Oct 00:10

Can I be honest with you fine people? I'm really feeling down. And part of me feels that I shouldn't and should be able to focus on those things that are progressing. There's a medical team of specialists reviewing my "case", so that's definitely plus. And against all odds I did manage to work hard on my education and made progress; I'm receiving another modular certificate in a few weeks :) And he is being such a sweetheart to me. He takes me anywhere I need to be when I'm too ill to travel on my own, even if it means driving for hours. For the past few days he's been extra caring (since I'm extra ill), preparing my favorite meals and allowing me to sleep over at his place. Still; I can't help escaping this weight that's starting to pull me under. To tear it down in pieces;

I simply feel so exhausted physically. My days are on a scale of feeling bad, worse and awful. Which subsequently off course does mean at some points I feel "better" than moments before and I tend to cherish those :) But it's becoming a rarity for me to just feel able to be awake comfortably all day. Still I refuse to stay home like I'm crippled. Some days I'm just too ill and feverish to move a muscle. But any chance I get, I try take. With caution off course. Planning the accessibility of toilets on my route. My mobile phone always within an arm's reach, even inside my house. I'll never know when I'll hit the floor again. I sometimes don't dare to step under the shower, afraid I'll lose consciousness. Every time I conquer that fear again (and I have many times by now) is like my little victory of the day.

Yet; I feel how this illness is starting to eat on my mind and spirit. Despite that attitude of keep-on-going, I'm missing out on a lot. Though I'm sure I would have missed out on a lot more if I hadn't kept my head up ;) it does get frustrating. Even on those things that are supposed to help me feel better (therapy, breathing training, walks) despite all efforts, I sometimes just don't make it. I cried this morning canceling classes- again. Particularly since the secretary "advised" me to not sign up again, unless I'm close to 100% positive I'll be able to actually make it. And it hit me that such certainty just really isn't part of my life. For me that's not your every day "normal". It hasn't been for years now. I've never let it hold me back in life. I even finished university quicker than many. Advanced at my job at high velocity. But that's perhaps because I've never had an attitude of; let's do that tomorrow. For the practical reason; I don't know how I'll be tomorrow. At the moment I'm so sick of everyone asking me if I could "estimate" when I'll be there. Damn it, I can't even estimate how I'll feel an hour from now! And just there, right now, it hit me and I felt like crashing. Because from that point of view; any plan I have for me and my (near) future seems just blindly absurd...

And then there's this one person I feel so deeply for, even after months of evaluating I still feel that way. It's eroding me emotionally at the speed the relationship crumbles. He becomes the more and more unable to see me like more than anything than a sick girl. And I hate it. By God I do!!! I don't want to be defined by my state of health. So many times I would want to scream at him; see through my surface! And I don't understand why he's created this new image of me and seems so stubborn at holding on to it. He seems to really hold back. I feel it with every cell. And it's not just me who sees. Other people -even those I've just met and have only seen him the few minutes he stepped out of the car and kiss me goodbye- tell me how it's so beautiful to see how his love for me radiates. How there's this glow between us as couple. Now I know it's the kind of crowd I hang out with that are all focused on bodylanguage (as doula's, yoga-teachers, physical therapists, care-givers, etc) but isn't it obvious then? Why can't he see?

At the moment, I feel that he empowers that label on me, even though I'm sure he doesn't mean to. While I'm feeling a bit better, he still looks at me so concerned; "are you sure you're ok?" Followed by this begging look of; "please get away from me if you do, cause I could really use some time alone." And I understand he does; he's tired and restless himself. But that look just kills every bit of good vibe for me instantly... And if I stay strong and thus do leave, it means he yet again missed those moments that I was feeling better, even happy. That the next time he'll come around, will be when I'm very ill and sad again. Those good moments I had wanted him to see me. And just thrive in it, instead of wasting my energy on traveling. To let go of that image of me in his mind. Whereas now; he's basically reinforcing it himself. And more than anything at such "better" moments; I want hugs and kisses and make love, even in the mildest way. I want to physically reconnect to each other. And beside my emotions, there's even rational reason why this would be beneficial to both our health; so why not?;) It seems crazy that a person in this state of illness would think of sex. But I do. I miss it. I miss him. I miss us. I feel that I'm missing out on my life while it's stuck on breaks. And I'm starting to feel that I'm losing myself.

PS: something that is very cute; his female cat is keeping me company all day. While I'm sad, she immediately comes to comfort me. She lies next to me while I'm napping and wakes me while I'm having nightmares. She curls up against me on the couch purring (like she is right now). No matter how little space, she crams herself into this tiny spot next to me. He says it's something special; she doesn't do that with him or anyone else. Isn't it adorable? :)

RedRoses

Posted: 06 Oct 00:10

She can sense that you need comforting and love.It's her way of showing you that she cares.Animals are very good at sensing when we are sad.And it's not crazy to crave physical affection, even sex when you are ill.I have heard that sexual intercourse often is the tonic we need when ill.However I certainly would not want to be coughing and sneezing all over my man when he is trying to make love to me.

You really need to try and get well for yourself as well as your man, but mainly for your own sake.Of course until you know for sure what's wrong there will be days of uncertainty and worry.Just try to leave it in the hands of your medical team to figure out the cause of your illness and in the meantime try to get as much rest as possible.My thoughts and best wishes are with you my dear friend.

Aphrodite_66

Posted: 06 Oct 00:10

Thank you Aphrodite.

It's that I miss this heart-to-heart-connection. By that I mean how people are openly giving and receiving in an emotional bond. Where you could almost feel the other's feelings as if they are your own. I know we can be like that, since we once were. I know he can do it. But he's so closed up and distant. Yesterday I hugged him. I pored my deepest love into that hug and held him long enough so he could feel it with every beating of my heart. He allowed me, but he didn't let me in. All I felt in return was how he's created this stone-cold wall around him, gate closed with endless metal locks. A defense that seems to become less penetrable every day. He seems to be too scared and too careful to really express himself. I sometimes feel that the days of letting the man hide inside his cave should be over. Extensive trial seems to prove that using this strategy on him only results in error. By now he's closed himself off from everyone. Perhaps what he questioned some time ago is true; that he doesn't need my patience. Perhaps instead he needs me to poke and confront him, before he spirals down the drain.

I sometimes feel like Gerda in the story of the Snow Queen, trying to melt that splinter of ice stuck in Kai's heart. But I'm far past melting it with smiles or tears. I'd want to claw his chest open. To see that heart, no matter how broken, torn and bleeding it is. He may scream, cry and roar at me, letting it all out. I don't even care if he'd direct his anger at me. Go ahead! It's a start. Everything better than him drowning himself in misery or emotional internal bleeding.

RedRoses

Posted: 06 Oct 00:10

First of all to give you an impression of my state currently; sometimes I could just feel like falling apart. Like how I broke down few evenings ago. I had slept and rested all day, still hoping to make it to attending therapy and dancing-class. Even while going there I felt like every cell in my body was screaming exhaustion. But my spirit yelled: go! I refuse to give up on things that are supposed to make me feel better and help me cope. Still agree that it was a good thing to do, since I did feel better. But biking back home through the cold was terrible. Little I knew getting inside my home would become the worst challenge. I had to unlock the entrance 4 times before I was able to get me and my bike inside. Admittedly; it is a bit heavy door, but even the old neighbors manage ;) While finally inside, I just stood there crying because at that point I still had to master the stairs up to my apartment. I could barely lift my own limbs.

And then there's him; who tries to be the best support he can and comes with me to the hospital. At his own request. Frankly I was doubtful whether he should, as he is part of why I feel unstable emotionally. But it seems a good idea so far.. We tell the doctors he's my partner to not let things get any more complicated than it is. While in fact we can only state our relationship as "it's complicated with..." Copied that from a relationship-status on facebook; finally a choice of words we both agree on:rolleyes: He doesn't know what he wants. Except that I mean a lot to him. He's scared of harm coming to me. Just a few nights ago he held me while he was shaking. Because I had quite suddenly left him the other day and after that written down why. Even more so; a plea to open himself up to me, as I go crazy over this wall surrounding him. He nearly cried telling me that he really cares for me. But that it's all very heavy on him as well and that he just is at the end of his wits. And then all I could do was hold him too, because: honey, I know...

It becomes this weird balance to me; what hurts me less? What is more sane? Go without support or not? Realistically; I don't think I would make it alone... Even though it pains me to even say that since I hate depending on anyone else but myself. As much as I need support, as much this lopsided dependency is hurting us and tearing us apart. As much as I can hardly stand the way we are now, as much I still love him and enjoy his company. The song "with or without you" comes to mind while I'm writing this :rolleyes:

His dark humor covering up his doubt bothers me many times. Because I can't figure out half the time whatever he's saying is joking or not. Like; he talked about spending New Years eve together, since how else will he be eating all the Dutch donuts?:p But when I said I'd love to help him out and asked "what about Christmas-dinner then, you're not going to eat that alone? In fact you're not likely to cook it (with a wink)" there's silence. He tries to throw me off track constantly by commenting on his surroundings. Which basically means he interrupts what I say or interrupts himself. It's cute when he does it because he's an unfocused happy puppy, but not so much when he uses it to cover up a mess.

It's his way of dealing with things and I don't want to interfere with that. But sometimes it takes forms that hurt me. In the evening he asked me if he's been a good "dad" supporting me at the hospital. And I know he doesn't mean bad. He means to lighten the mood by turning things into a joke. But I could just instantly cry when he says that. Still I tried to smile; "you misunderstood silly, you're supposed to father my baby, not make a baby out of me". He smiles; "O, so that's where it went wrong". After that I just cried myself to sleep alone.

I think that this is the point where jokes are no longer funny... And it's not like he doesn't know. One of our first fights we ever had was when I became so angry with him joking about buying a new car. "It's a family car, look, there we'll put a baby-seat. There's enough room for a stroller and the entire baby-survival-package in the back and all our holiday-luggage will still fit next to it" This was after he had recently told me chances of him wanting a baby with me had become nihil. I asked him flabbergasted why he would say such things to me.. had he changed his mind? "No, off course not, just to make it an interesting car for you. You know; sweeten the deal", he responded smiling. "You shouldn't take things I say seriously" I ran away, because I felt so upset I could have pushed him in front of that bus driving by. Only later I was able to tell him what had upset me so terribly. Perhaps he doesn't remember that...

While I'm trying very hard to keep myself on track, when I'm truly honest with myself, I feel very much like my life is spinning out of my control. Or better; that I'm spinning. And sometimes I doubt whether I'm just being too sensitive regarding what he says and does... Because frankly; I am sensitive and fragile at the moment, whether I like it or not. That I'm overreacting, even though I do not literally over-react to him, but it does hunt me... Am I???

RedRoses

Posted: 06 Oct 00:10