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OP: Relationship reverting back to just friends...

I'm not sure what I just did last evening... I'm still trying to grasp the meaning of it I guess... I feel confused. Which is probably the reason why I'm posting this thread. Apologies for the length of it and how I can't seem to properly structure it. But I need some sort of input on this. Sorry I can't be more specific on what I ask of you. Just know that I will appreciate your responses!

What happened?
Basically we've temporarily turned our relationship back to our former "friend"-status. Done in mutual agreement and I was the one to make the suggestion.

Why?
Last evening -again: at my request- we've talked about both our emotions, wishes and (unfulfilled) desires concerning our relationship. It comes down to that all he craves for would be his energy; time and peace on his own. He can't be bothered by anything else until he feels back on his feet. His lack of energy makes him feel desperate. The energy everything (including this relationship) takes from him makes him angry and sad. Yet he also loves me, wants me to be ok and happy, understands I have needs and questions.

Over the past 2-3 years he has been losing his spirit, slowly draining him to an all time low over the past year. He's chronically ill and his health-issues have aggravated. And I know I'm not helping him. I've been through some rough times and he's tried to be supportive. When he supports me, he does harm to himself. Sometimes he uses that last bit of energy on me, which will cost him a week to rebuild. And I know it does, so I try to not bother him. Nowadays; the main reason we see eachother is when I've crashed. He performs proverbial CPR, pads a few proverbial wounds to stop me from bleeding out. And as much as he helps me heal, our relationship seems to wound me as well. Because half the time he makes me feel unwanted, even though he doesn't mean to. This is not what I want...

I want a relationship with joy, intimacy, sex and a future together. The lack of it is taking it's toll on my emotional and even physical health. The state of our relationship as "lovers" and "partners" creates expectations and those have created mostly disappointment for some time now. After I have waited for him for over a year to again have sex with me, I can't go on another holiday with this silent expectation that he might just lose his restlessness and makes love to me. Hence the suggestion...

I can not summarize it any different than that this relationship is currently harming both of us...

What's next?
So till the end of the holidays (in about 6 weeks); we're friends. And I wonder what this means and what will change.... As I come to think of it; this basically is our relationship as it is. I've been feeling it for a long time... The only thing that would be different, is there will be no expectation of sex. Which off course will be a desire I nonetheless will continue to feel, I will just not say it. And perhaps I will finally come to my senses that our chances of sex are now a steady 0%, instead of the 1% I've pretended it to be and have drawn my hopes from.

The thing I take solace in at the moment, is that we've decided by mutual agreement and understanding. Call me crazy, but I believe we've chosen to embark in this relationship together, so most preferably: changing it or ending it, we do together.

And after that?
We don't know how it will continue... On this part I can only speak for myself. (if he had known and had been able to tell me, it would have been easier to make proper decisions on the course of our relationship ;))

I can -after nearly 4 years- still honestly say I'm "in love" with him. He gives me butterflies; all I want is to be with him, do fun-things together, discover and experience the world, kisses, hugs and more :) I can also honestly say I "love" this guy for just as long and perhaps even longer than that. Love in the sense of a deep and profound feeling of bonding; trusting him with my life and wanting only to contribute to his happiness and shield him from pain. He's told me he's felt this bonding from such early stages as well. Which he at the time thought very special, but also rather scary. Since: how well did he really know me? How much did I really know about him? Still, the feeling was there, undeniably. It started as a friendship and soon blossomed into a relationship.

We match in so many personal aspects that by simple analysis of logic; there is a future for us. Not to mention emotionally I believe there is. I've seen my future and my children in his eyes from the early steps of our relationship and I can't seem to shake off that vision... We just need to overcome the few things that are not matched at the moment. Our sexual desire; this used to be quite matchable, so why not again? More difficult may be my longing to have "my place". I long to have a place where I just can simply be myself. Of which I can say: I am here, I belong here. Somewhere that feels steady and peaceful. Which probably translates best to what most of us call "home". I guess home is what I seek.

Interestingly enough, as much as he wishes for me to find that place, he says he has never allowed someone to have it in his life. I've asked him if he ever had such a place for himself, which he doubts. I've told him he's more than welcome to have that vacant place with me, all he needs is to want it and it's his. He's never envisioned the future for himself; what he'll do, where he'll be or with who. He finds it absurd that people can say they will wake up with the same person after 20 years, because the future is completely unpredictable. (Mind you; this guy has been married and few years after the divorce had almost started a family with another woman, had it been up to him). I do share his critique on that you can't predict your future. I don't share his cynicism that it makes the future unworthy of envisioning, dreaming, planning and working towards it. Though I can imagine that he can't dream of tomorrows, when he can't even do what he had planned to do an hour ago. It's not like I don't understand; I have those days myself more often than I'd like. Which probably is one of those things; we seem to understand eachother in ways other people don't... it just doesn't lead us to ways of effectively supporting eachother. Perhaps that despite the best intentions, we've only become effective at destroying eachother. It just doesn't die, because we're lovingly nursing eachother's wounds with the lasting comfort of understanding that we each know what the other is going through... I hope that depressing thought is not true.

Replies & questions?
I'm sorry to say I can only write this with a lot of "me, me, me". That's just because I can only speak from my point of view. Even what he tells me is left with my interpretation. And I'm also sorry that I can't summarize it all. I must have forgotten large chunks and smaller pieces along the way... People who have been following my posts for some time will probably have a better understanding of what I'm trying to talk about. Just feel free to ask the questions you need, so I can fill in the gaps for you :)

RedRoses

Posted: 05 Oct 23:35

Replies:

At this stage and given your current health, you are NOT over-reacting and his jokes are NOT helping.

Fragile & conflicted, describes you very well.

I'd suggest FOCUSing upon one set goal to the exclusion of all else. Your energy is limited at this time and when you tire, your emotional control is shot all to hell and the cycle of emotions affecting health affecting emotions begins again.

Find the limit/range of your energy and then stay within that limit - like a car w a set amount of gas in the tank - plan your day around your available energy always leaving enough to keep yourself calm.

If it can be done over the Internet, do it over the Internet. If it can be done nearby, do it nearby. Use public trans if possible and affordable.

(I have recently had pneumonia and know what it is to run out of energy and, in my case, breath. Lips turning blue is not my idea of a good time. It is also scary.)

It is unfortunate that your 'relationship' is with another fragile & conflicted person as I feel someone with a more sturdy personality would do you good - if only by quietly taking the situation in hand when you need him to without making a song and dance about it.

Please try my suggestion, RR - HUGS, hun!!

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 06 Oct 00:11


Thank you, eek:) Sorry to hear about your pneumonia. I hope you've recovered fully? Yes losing breath is scary. I have a type of asthma, so I can relate to what you went through. I also have experience maneuvering my ways through lack of energy. My life has evolved around creating storage buffers for many years now and I've been quite able to manage it. Even if it means skipping on things. People often don't realize how it comes down to choices. Only when they grow older and realize how they can't "just" do the things they used to, they come to understand a bit of what it's like to live with a chronic illness.

I don't draw attention to it, though. I don't like being defined as "ill" when that's my healthiest state of being:) It would actually take me effort to draw attention, because all people see is a high-spirited smiling woman. Even friends that know tend to forget and I have to point it out when I really can't do something. Nowadays, yes, they may call me ill and still many say I look good. They won't know how ill I really am, until they ask and I give honest answers. :rolleyes:

Comparing it to a gas tank is quite accurate. My problem seems to be that when I wake up in the morning, my dashboard is already on a red light. Which is pretty sad. And my energy levels are harder to estimate than they were. I don't know how I'll be the next hour. I am planning to have fun today, though :) Hope not too many issues will get in my way.

RedRoses

Posted: 06 Oct 00:11


Ah, HAH! Waking up tired are we? Then you should stop by the sleep center and find out exactly WHY that is. Perhaps you have a kind of apnea or some kind of stress that's preventing REM sleep? Just a thought.

Good luck, hun!

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 06 Oct 00:11


Thank you for thinking along with me! As long as I'm not diagnosed, I need people to do that :) So far they blame my undefined illness. Their logic; if the body is ill, you lose immense energy, esp if it takes months. If the digestive track suffers, it means too little energy will be absorbed. That can't be restored by sleep. The body may invoke sleep more often to safe energy (which appears to be the case with me). Not to mention I lose too much fluid on a daily basis. I constantly have to make sure I'm not dehydrating. Still; you're right focus should not be on one cause. There's quite a chance I'll be seeing other specialists soon as well.

I did have a fun day today :) Despite running to the toilet, a moment of near fainting with uncontrollable shaking, sudden attacks of cramping and developing a fever right now. Otherwise: much enjoyed my day and attended everything I wanted :) They'll pain my insides with follow-up exams in a few days of which I do not know how long I'll need to recover (not much good expectations, based on the former experience...) But I guess I've broken the depressive cycle for at least a day, so I'll be good to go for some time :)

RedRoses

Posted: 06 Oct 00:11


It is my opinion, that desperate feelings of hopelessness, that there's nothing one can do, that improvement is impossible - all of these do more harm to people than almo st any illness. The cycle of depression - I guess so. Which perhaps explains why, I recommend anger and the urge to conquor as remedies. What is the problem. Causes and cures, if not cures what will help, all the ways & means available, I investigate.

So although pneumonia has had her chance, she'll lose this contest.
The doctor says I'm out of the woods! So now it is cleaning up the mess inside and off I'll go again!
This time I'm getting the vaccine!

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 06 Oct 00:11


Good luck on your recovery. I hope it will be swift!

Usually I'm not that easy to get down. I tend to forget I had 5 bad days, if I just had 1 that's good. It's a good thing I keep a health-diary or I'd be making things far less worse than it is when consulting doctors :rolleyes: But I guess this long term causes exhaustion that does reflect itself in more than just physical. Adding emotional issues and yes; we're in for one negative spiral. I do believe in holistic principles. So I completely agree that emotional, mental and physical state of well-being all interact. Negative feelings sure can drag people down. It even reflects in our hormonal and immune-system.

Anger and fighting could be answers. Although I mostly feel that anger only wastes my energy when it comes to health. I usually do a different kind that involves fighting for good things, instead of fighting off bad. I've found that fighting against my own body is mostly opposite to what it needs. I anger and hate, my body cramps up. I love and laugh, my body relaxes. That sort of thing :) Sometimes surrender and accepting needs to be done. Particularly when you know a health-issue has become chronic, like with my airways. When you know there's no cure, only symptom-relievers and lifestyle-adjustments. When there's no need going after primary causes, since that knowledge about yesterday won't change how things are today. Been there, done that (or at least: I think I couldn't be more calm about it ;)).

But given my current health-issues, I'm surely not ready for acceptance. I do need more information on causes/cures/symptom-relievers/lifestyle-advice/etc than I've gotten so far. I've been reading a lot about all sorts of deceases and medication, but I'm getting lost. Some have advised me to completely leave it up to the medical specialists. But that's weird, since in the end I'm the one responsible for the health of my body. Plus; I'm the thinking kind of woman, so my brain hardly rests. In the meanwhile it seems vital that I do try to keep my spirit up :)

RedRoses

Posted: 06 Oct 00:11




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