OP: Relationship reverting back to just friends...

I'm not sure what I just did last evening... I'm still trying to grasp the meaning of it I guess... I feel confused. Which is probably the reason why I'm posting this thread. Apologies for the length of it and how I can't seem to properly structure it. But I need some sort of input on this. Sorry I can't be more specific on what I ask of you. Just know that I will appreciate your responses!

What happened?
Basically we've temporarily turned our relationship back to our former "friend"-status. Done in mutual agreement and I was the one to make the suggestion.

Why?
Last evening -again: at my request- we've talked about both our emotions, wishes and (unfulfilled) desires concerning our relationship. It comes down to that all he craves for would be his energy; time and peace on his own. He can't be bothered by anything else until he feels back on his feet. His lack of energy makes him feel desperate. The energy everything (including this relationship) takes from him makes him angry and sad. Yet he also loves me, wants me to be ok and happy, understands I have needs and questions.

Over the past 2-3 years he has been losing his spirit, slowly draining him to an all time low over the past year. He's chronically ill and his health-issues have aggravated. And I know I'm not helping him. I've been through some rough times and he's tried to be supportive. When he supports me, he does harm to himself. Sometimes he uses that last bit of energy on me, which will cost him a week to rebuild. And I know it does, so I try to not bother him. Nowadays; the main reason we see eachother is when I've crashed. He performs proverbial CPR, pads a few proverbial wounds to stop me from bleeding out. And as much as he helps me heal, our relationship seems to wound me as well. Because half the time he makes me feel unwanted, even though he doesn't mean to. This is not what I want...

I want a relationship with joy, intimacy, sex and a future together. The lack of it is taking it's toll on my emotional and even physical health. The state of our relationship as "lovers" and "partners" creates expectations and those have created mostly disappointment for some time now. After I have waited for him for over a year to again have sex with me, I can't go on another holiday with this silent expectation that he might just lose his restlessness and makes love to me. Hence the suggestion...

I can not summarize it any different than that this relationship is currently harming both of us...

What's next?
So till the end of the holidays (in about 6 weeks); we're friends. And I wonder what this means and what will change.... As I come to think of it; this basically is our relationship as it is. I've been feeling it for a long time... The only thing that would be different, is there will be no expectation of sex. Which off course will be a desire I nonetheless will continue to feel, I will just not say it. And perhaps I will finally come to my senses that our chances of sex are now a steady 0%, instead of the 1% I've pretended it to be and have drawn my hopes from.

The thing I take solace in at the moment, is that we've decided by mutual agreement and understanding. Call me crazy, but I believe we've chosen to embark in this relationship together, so most preferably: changing it or ending it, we do together.

And after that?
We don't know how it will continue... On this part I can only speak for myself. (if he had known and had been able to tell me, it would have been easier to make proper decisions on the course of our relationship ;))

I can -after nearly 4 years- still honestly say I'm "in love" with him. He gives me butterflies; all I want is to be with him, do fun-things together, discover and experience the world, kisses, hugs and more :) I can also honestly say I "love" this guy for just as long and perhaps even longer than that. Love in the sense of a deep and profound feeling of bonding; trusting him with my life and wanting only to contribute to his happiness and shield him from pain. He's told me he's felt this bonding from such early stages as well. Which he at the time thought very special, but also rather scary. Since: how well did he really know me? How much did I really know about him? Still, the feeling was there, undeniably. It started as a friendship and soon blossomed into a relationship.

We match in so many personal aspects that by simple analysis of logic; there is a future for us. Not to mention emotionally I believe there is. I've seen my future and my children in his eyes from the early steps of our relationship and I can't seem to shake off that vision... We just need to overcome the few things that are not matched at the moment. Our sexual desire; this used to be quite matchable, so why not again? More difficult may be my longing to have "my place". I long to have a place where I just can simply be myself. Of which I can say: I am here, I belong here. Somewhere that feels steady and peaceful. Which probably translates best to what most of us call "home". I guess home is what I seek.

Interestingly enough, as much as he wishes for me to find that place, he says he has never allowed someone to have it in his life. I've asked him if he ever had such a place for himself, which he doubts. I've told him he's more than welcome to have that vacant place with me, all he needs is to want it and it's his. He's never envisioned the future for himself; what he'll do, where he'll be or with who. He finds it absurd that people can say they will wake up with the same person after 20 years, because the future is completely unpredictable. (Mind you; this guy has been married and few years after the divorce had almost started a family with another woman, had it been up to him). I do share his critique on that you can't predict your future. I don't share his cynicism that it makes the future unworthy of envisioning, dreaming, planning and working towards it. Though I can imagine that he can't dream of tomorrows, when he can't even do what he had planned to do an hour ago. It's not like I don't understand; I have those days myself more often than I'd like. Which probably is one of those things; we seem to understand eachother in ways other people don't... it just doesn't lead us to ways of effectively supporting eachother. Perhaps that despite the best intentions, we've only become effective at destroying eachother. It just doesn't die, because we're lovingly nursing eachother's wounds with the lasting comfort of understanding that we each know what the other is going through... I hope that depressing thought is not true.

Replies & questions?
I'm sorry to say I can only write this with a lot of "me, me, me". That's just because I can only speak from my point of view. Even what he tells me is left with my interpretation. And I'm also sorry that I can't summarize it all. I must have forgotten large chunks and smaller pieces along the way... People who have been following my posts for some time will probably have a better understanding of what I'm trying to talk about. Just feel free to ask the questions you need, so I can fill in the gaps for you :)

RedRoses

Posted: 05 Oct 23:35